...my name is...

...and this is my secret...

[ladybonez-blog]

I hate my life.

[ladybonez-blog]

Homes

Wife and her mom went to look at places for us today while I was working. They found 3 of them through a realtor. 2 of which A likes and 1 which she doesnt. Her mom thinks the 3rd one is good but I'm not giving up Roxy. I can't... :(

A. took me to go look at the houses. I like the first one a lot! I also really like the second one. Not the third though.

I hope we find something soon.

My classes start in 3 days and A. bought my books for me on these cheap book sites with my book loan. I should be getting my money from the refund within the next couple of weeks which will help out soooooo much!

A. and I are getting through our problems. She's back on her medicine and we're pending for medicaid through DES. I hope I get it. I need meds bad for everything.

Work is going good too. I enjoy working with the people at the Brew House. I'm learning a lot of new things and keeping busy. I hope A. and I can find a good common ground with our jobs and a place and get our finances in order, etc.

Oh my god, I have to meet all her dads side of the family on Tuesday. I think I might shit myself. Blahhh, I have to answer all these questions from these scary people. Who would have thought that meeting your Wife's family could be so terrifying.

I need to go to bed. I'm absolutely exhausted.

[ladybonez-blog]

Josh

When I was with josh he treated me like I was a money bag. A piece of meat with a piggy bang full of all your wants through cash. Finding out that josh sleep with my step mom was absolutely devastating and I felt like it caused me to lose myself quite a bit. I felt like I was losing my mind. Listening to him lie about having money coming in or him not having a job or stealing my money caused my grip on sanity to fade out. For having caused the loss of everything I worked so hard for. I promised myself before him in high school that I would never be that girl who stuck around through all that shit. That I would leave in the drop of a hat. I wish I could’ve been that girl. Maybe things would have been different in my life thereafter. I remember thinking about how I had the cops called on me after I hit him in the face. Mom talking him out of it by making him realize the “piggyback” that I am would be the only to support him out there. So he canceled the call. Finding out about the missing money and him “losing” all my money at the casino u called the cops on him… But I chickened out if the whole situations because I was “too afraid to lose him.” So many people begged me to leave him. Told me going back to Phoenix would help me get away from him bla bla bla. I didn’t listen. I feared being left because everybody else who was ever important to me, left me. Or forgot about me. Abandoned me to the point that I have a hard time letting other in or letting them help to heal me. I ruined my friendships. He ruined my friend ships. Ruined the relationship between me an my dad. Regardless of how my dad was to me as a kid. I blocked a lot of it out and just never spoke to him about what he did because I wanted to be good enough for at least one of my parents. We were getting close again and josh fucked that all up. I had nothing and nobody. And I finally just sank into myself and gave up. I was a zombie. I went to work came home and slept. I hardly ate. I cried every day at work. I Stopped socializing with my friends. I cut myself. I recognized at this point I had an ED. I cut myself all over my thighs. I was a mess and I just wanted to die. I got a call from Alexis who saved me. Giving me hope. Showing me she cared. Gave me a home. That was my exit. And so I left and it was sooo hard. Sooo hard. I left my friends. The only place I lived the longest since I was five. I wanted to take it all back. But everything really has happened for a reason. Look who I have now! This beautiful and amazing woman. Who loves me is one of a kind.

[ladybonez-blog]

Bitch

That’s all you do is tell me I’m being a bitch and that I have no respect for anybody and that I’m being rude. I’m not even doing anything wrong and I’m the bitch. You tell me I’m the one taking everything to seriously and yet here you are being so fucking mean to me for nothing and that’s perfectly fine and you don’t even realize that you are taking everything seriously all day. I’ve been cute at cuddly and sympathetic and all that shit today. While joking around and cooking for you. Yet I’m the one being a bitch who has to have my way. Why don’t you shut the fuck up for once and stop telling me I’m all these negative names. I’m not a bitch. Nor am I acting like one.

[ladybonez-blog]

So many things to say.

All I dream about, think about, fantasize about is binging and purging. Using my fingers and sticking them firmly to the back of my throat and puking. I love going to buffets because I can eat whatever I want and I know I can make it all come up before I leave. I miss using laxatives because I can shit out just about everything in my intestines, be dehydrated for a few days use and just drink a bunch of water and piss out my fat. God do I miss that. I am literally fantasizing about it.

I am 304 again... I have gained 23 lbs since I moved to NY. Thinking about that has made me cry. Yet I continue to eat. Because if I dont I constant get badgered about if I threw up after we ate or when I go to the bathroom I get this look like I know what you're going to do. I dont always go and puke after I eat but I want to and with those looks I get or the questioning, it makes me want to. 

I keep asking myself what excuse can I make to go to the store and get laxatives... I want them so bad. I'd do anything to have them right now. I cant even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I literally cant. I hate it. I can't look at myself and I dont even like touching myself. Its to the point that when I let her touch me I'm embarrassed by it. Not because of her but because of myself. I am grossed out by myself. She tells me I'm pretty and the other day she told me I was skinny and I laughed. Whole heartedly laugh because that was the funniest thing I've ever heard. Its not true. I'm not skinny. People who are 304 lbs are not skinny and I know that I'm not. But I wish I was...

God do I wish that I were as skinny as the girls in the pictures and those around me. I can't explain this to her. She understands but she doesnt. I dont WANT to be in recovery for bulimia. I want to use the knowledge I have to lose this weight. Unhealthy or not I just dont care. I want the weight off...

I just want it all off. How do I do it without you figuring it out or freaking out or going off on me for it. Its not your ED, its mine...

----------

I got married on Feb 28th. Happiest day of my life! <3 <3 <3

Her sister absolutely hates me now though. It was a courthouse wedding. Nobody was invited. I'm this horrible person who's being treated as though I have the bubonic plague now. I cant be at her house or in the kitchen or anything... Because 'Melissa said so.' It makes me so mad. Her parents dont treat me like shit but Melissa does. I fucking hate it... Its not her damn marriage its mine. Mind your fucking business. You're 25 and still live at home... and you have room to judge and hate on me? Grow up. >;'(

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We're having trouble finding a place... its so depressing. I wish we could just find something. Something that took two people, a small dog, with kinda crappy credit who are students. We're having no luck and we're really just running out of time. I am trying to find something and she's trying to find something and even trying to find something with Shan and there are all these stupid ass stipulations. I pretty much dont give a fuck what kind of place we live in... as long as we have a place and can keep that place with a roof over our heads.

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I have a job interview tomorrow at 12:30 at this restaurant and I'm really hoping that I get the job. I'm so worried that I wont. Or that I'll get it but not have a way to get there. I wish there were something that I could do... and it sucks because I want this job. I want something that makes good money and that is close to wherever we're living... I want to make enough to be able to take care of her... And to please her mother at the same time. I want to make everybody happy and please everybody around me. I just want everything to be okay.

And its not. And I'm stressed. And I.'m tired. And I keep breaking down and crying but its not fixing my problems. I wish I could fix me and make her proud of me for it. I wish I didnt have this stupid addiction and that it was easy for my to lose weight. I wish I didnt crave the feel of this addiction and the ED itself. I do and I dont want to get rid of my ED... make sense? Not to me...

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I could talk about these things till I'm blue in the face and I could write about these things until my heart aches... nothing seems to help... ever.

[ladybonez-blog]

So I have gotten the chance to spend an entire month straight with my wifey. We've done so much and gotten so much closer and learned more about each other. For valentines day I made her a box to put the stuff I've given her inside. I made her dinner and sweet tea and got her a stuffed bear and cleaned her room. She got me a build a bear stuffed dog with a little button inside that says I love you Brittany. She also came back to ct with me and took me to an awesome couple of hotels. I bought her her very first bouquet of flowers and she got me tulips with our picture and cute saying on the vase. I'm the happiest girl in the world and its not because of the activities we've done or money that was spent but because I love her and I got to spend time with her and be with her. To feel her touch is incredibly amazing. And to kiss her lips and hold her soft hands. To hear her voice I wouldn't change any moment with her for the world. I love this girl and I've never been happier. The little things and the hard times are what make a difference in life and what grow our relationship.

[ladybonez-blog]

Brick Walls

You tell me you love me and I respond back with my sincere I love you to only be shot down with hurtful words of you really don’t though. You really don’t. I tell you that I do and insist on this to only hear the same thing and stating I obviously don’t know how to show it lately. You tell me I’m being a dick head and I’m poking fun at you yesterday and that I’m unloving and my dog got more kisses and loving today than you. You insist that I’m being purposefully mean and you’re assuming I’m always mad when I really just don’t wanna fucking open my mouth to say anything. I just wanna walk around quietly and breathe for a minute. You tell me I’m acting weird when I ask for a cigarette and then when you don’t wanna go out I tell you never mind. I don’t want to go outside in the cold and I don’t wanna go out there alone. So than what’s the point? Ill just do without a cigarette and use a lauzenge. But then you tell me I’m being weird and I’m not talking to you and I’m being rude. I don’t get it. You’re off your meds and I left mine at home and were both sick locked in a house because of this Nemo snow storm on a damn island. Please tell me how I do not love you… If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t have spent so much time in a stupid craft store trying to figure out what to make you. I wouldn’t have spent all morning yesterday painting your box and making it look pretty. I wouldn’t have taken care of you and tried to make you feel better or pampered you even though I feel like absolute shit and hurt all over to the point I’m fighting back tears to only be stricken by your unkind words convinced of my lack of love for you to make me want to cry more. It just leads me to wonder what the fuck the point is of trying if you’re so convinced I don’t love you. I’m sorry I am not showing my love for you. Don’t forget how stressed I am. I am the one to finish these classes ASAP. I’m the one who is in between homes and no where to go if I don’t get this money in time. I’m the burden on your family. I have to worry about roxy and how I’m going to deal and be treated by my roommates next and what I’m going to expect from them. I’m so lost. You even said yourself that I’m drowning in my unhappiness and how you make me feel only makes my happiness temporary. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means that I’m stricken by all this hurt and pain I’ve felt in my life and then you show me you love me but later pull it back as though it were a “just kidding” moment. I don’t know how to be okay because I’ve spent my whole life around crazy and dysfunctional people while trying to keep my shit together and not off myself like I wanted to so many other times. I knew I shouldn’t have asked you about the tarot card readings you had… As soon as I asked the question I knew in my gut that I would regret it. So 22 you will find your true love. That means that I can’t possibly be your true love found because you’re 21. That means I’m not the last person you will love but your stepping stone to healing for someone else greater than me. And where does that leave me? Alone. Forever alone. Always someone else’s artifact used to find greater ground and emotional healing for “something better.” It makes me cry and it breaks my heart because I do fully believe in that stuff. Let me tell you that the first and last time I had my cards read I was a freshman in high school and even though I told you I don’t remember what was said I really do. My cards talked about how I would find and lose love time and time again for years and that the abusive from my dad wouldn’t come to an end later in my life. And that I would have to lose everything to find happiness. I was than told around my 18th birthday by a wise old man that no matter my pain and sorrow or how much I was drowning in my loneliness, that I was exactly where I needed to be and I needed to be careful. That was a week before dad broke my jaw. And now I have you and I’ve never felt a love like I’ve felt with you and you lay beside me and insist that my love for you is fake. That I don’t love you and that I can’t even show it. I lay here and I listen to you breathing while you sleep so sound. You dog snuggling at my shoulder and cradling my arm with his paws and roxy down at my side. And all I feel is lost. Like I’m a terrible heartless person who doesn’t know how to show love to someone and can’t cook. Who is fat and too reliant on a scale and calorie counting and trying to look the best and to believe you when you say I’m pretty. I’m reluctant enough that you even want me here when I am obviously not doing you any good. I just give up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even feel like you want me or love me or you’re realizing how much of a mistake I am. And all I do is lay next to you and discretely cry while you sleep. And youll never know unless I want you to.

[ladybonez-blog]

Fat fat fat fat fat

[ladybonez-blog]

Fuck today for all its worth.

So it’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything. I moved to Connecticut and I hate it here. It’s not pretty and everything around here is old and looks severely way past ghetto. I’m extremely disappointed I’m just saying. It’s cold and wet and rainy and I’m just not impressed. I met Alexa finally and she asked me out Christmas Eve. Then New Year’s Eve she proposed to me. And while ya everyone keeps saying shit like its too soon you barely know each other bla bla bla I don’t really care what the have to say. It’s not their god damned relationship and they don’t know how well I know her because this is about her and I… Not us and the world. My roommates have turned out to be worse than I ever thought were possible. They are fuckingg crazy assholes who pissed away all the money and now were going to be late on rent… But I wouldn’t put it past the landlord at this point to kick us out. Told dion tonight that I don’t want to get a degree in accounting. He didn’t say much accept for shaking his head and sighing all irritated like as usual. He just doesn’t get it… It doesn’t fucking interest me in the slightest and I don’t want a degree in something I don’t want to work towards. He also tends to act like my father and employer and he is neither. He has yet to get a job and amber quit hers and they told me to stay home to take care of the girls and they’d pay me… Haven’t received shit so far. They get pissed because I’m never here but why would I want to be here with how they treat me and the little amount of respect I get from either of them. I’m like a doormat that their muddy shoes trample all over. I go to New York to see Alexa as much as possible and get out of being miserable here and it seems like they want me here too to be miserable with them. They were pissed this last weekend because Alexa and I chose to leave and stay at a hotel versus he cold with no heat or electric cutting in and out. They didn’t like the fact that I had an alternative where as they didn’t. It’s so fucking annoying. Then with Alexa I feel like I can never say the right thing to her. When she’s angry she takes it out on me and the tone of her voice makes it seem like if I don’t do something or if I am answering my roommates while on the phone with her shell flip out. And she kinda does and it really fucking frustrates me because I can’t always have my alone time and lately she’s almost always telling me to hold on for this or hold on for that so she can respond to her family. Well guess what I have to do the same thing with my stupid fucking roommates. I can’t always please everybody and lately it feels like if I don’t I’m going to fuck everything up and make everybody mad and I’m going to lose her or my place to live or my own fucking sanity. My roommates call me out on my bulimia too because I finally told them and Alexa doesn’t do it often which is nice. But when I admitted to puking she ran and told amber which turned into what felt like a fucking intervention between the three of them about my eating habits. That’s so embarrassing I don’t like talking to my roommates about it and I don’t need their support. I can take care of my own problem all by my damn self. I always have so why should that change now? Another thing that gets on my nerves her family gives her privacy but still expect us to say hello and socialize every now and then when I’m there. My roommates are the same way and they make us dinner and she gets so butt hurt that we have to hang out with them and pulls the whole I came here to see you and not them shit. I’m sick of that. I can’t just move out right now and that’s something you’re going to have to deal with until I find my own place. I have absolutely no friends of my own out here not a single fucking friend. I have my shitty roommates. My fiancé and her friends and family. But none of my own. I want my own god damn friends and its so rough on me as is that I don’t have a job and I’m not going to a real school and I have no social life outside of Alexa and her life of my roommates. I love Alexa so much don’t get me wrong but she’s known these people forever and all the people I’ve known forever are 3000 miles away. She drinks a lot and I don’t really drink at all unless I’m with her. I understand that it’s her thing but I would love for her to visit or me visit there and the whole time we can be just completely sober and have a good time. Because when were both drunk shit usually hits the fans or when one of us are drunk it’s either hilarious or annoying for the sober one. I just wish there were some way I could talk to her about cutting back without it turning into a fight. I feel like sometimes I can’t even talk to her because its as tho anything that I say gets taken the wrong way or blown out of proportion Or she thinks im trying to be mean or I’m yelling when I’m really not. And then I take some things she says the wrong way and so the vicious cycle goes. Then tonight dion wanted to talk about the classes as I mentioned before and then I came up stairs and amber came in about 10 minutes later asking if I was going to bed I said yes and that I was tired and we discussed my getting up with her tomorrow. Then she calls me seconds later from down stairs stating dion still wanted to talk and I was like I told you I wanted to be left alone and that I am tired and going to bed. Now dions pissed because I didn’t go down stairs to talk about whatever the fuck he wants to talk about and now he’s all pissed off and yelling and freaking out in the front yard. All because I want to be left the fuck alone for one night I’m adamant about going to bed early and just being by myself and having alone time. Whenever they go to lay down nobody is to bother them ever and nobody does but as soon as I want to be left alone that seems like the only time they ever need me and they bug the fuck out of me till I give in. Well today is a shitty day and I just need my space Alexa woke up and was mad at me. I got drug out in the cold damp morning to go get a food box. I had to do homework all day and be interrupted through out the day by my roommates. I found out my grandmother is really sick and I don’t fucking feel good. I’m exhausted my thyroid meds have to be spaced out till I can be seen by a dr. I just want today to be over and I need everybody to understand that and get the fuck over themselves and give me some space to breathe. God… I’m so fed up with everything I could just break things. But what would that accomplish? Oh ya nothing. What the fuck ever. Goodnight.

[ladybonez-blog]

Made for You

That's what you told me at least. Several times in fact! We talked for so many hours nearly every single day. We got really close but things were moving fast, I think. You wanted to just be friends. After the flowers, the affection, the words. Everything. Because you caught feelings for another girl. I don't even know what to say or what to think. You called me immature but you don't understand that I'm upset. How else am I supposed to react? I'm supposed to be okay with that and brush it off? Everything was fine when we talked this morning and out of no where... literally. You just cut me down. You wanted to stay friends. How can I stay friends? Knowing that I was a second choice and that I wasn't good enough and you told me you liked me and all the reasons why you liked me and all these good things. 

Your note read "If actions speak louder than words. Then this is my way of shouting." I thought your actions spoke pretty loud... But your words cut like a hot knife through butter and all I could do was sit there. Dumbfounded with nothing to say and no idea what I was supposed to even think. I still dont understand what happened.. at all. I feel absolutely crushed and I'm rendered speechless.

I seriously have no luck at all. I did so good at staying single. I took a chance and I opened up to somebody who I thought actually cared who claims it was 100% a real emotion and meant everything you said... But I really just dont understand. It can't be something that I am doing wrong. I am sick of feeling like its something that I specifically am doing wrong. I am probably just better off single. Its safer, happier, cheaper and definitely easier to deal with. I dont get the good ones, so why should I put myself through this kind of torture of opening up to someone?

[ladybonez-blog]

Alexa

She's a sweet girl. she's almost 3000 miles away from me right now and we started talking from POF. She asked me today why I liked her, well there are many things that I like about her. The fact that she has a job that she's been apart of for years. She is in school. She has experienced some hard parts of life. She understands a lot of things that I cant seem to get people to figure out. She's really funny. The way she laughs just makes me all bubbly inside. Every time that I talk to her I have a huge smile on my face. Her NY accent is adorable and very 'real.' if that makes any sense. She got me flowers 'just because.' I didn't ask for them, I didn't know what she was sending me and then they showed up and they're the prettiest things in the world! 

I feel really bad that every time she tries to talk to me that everybody on my end keeps piping in. They interrupt me and ask me questions or they try to add into whatever I am saying. It makes me so mad because its so incredibly rude. When they're on the phone I don't talk around them. I am polite and courteous to the fact that they are on the phone and that its probably important. I really wish they would give me that same respect, but they don't. She got upset with me because of it and I understand why because I really hate when I'm on the phone with someone who does that.

I just dont want her to stay mad at me for it but I'm really hurt. I know she said she was going to call me back but I just turned my phone off. Maybe its for the best for the rest of the evening. She told me she feels like she knows more about my roommates than she does me and she is tired of that because she doesnt care about them as much as she cares about me. I know her and I havent talked for tooooo long but she really is a great person. She had a really bad evening and found out some bullshit that shouldn't have taken place without her. I really want to be with her but I just dont understand sometimes.

I'm used to everything always being my fault in relationships because of my past relationships. I know that I've grown up a LOT since being with Josh. I know what I want and who I want and I know what kind of person that I want to be. I hope things between us are less strained once I get to CT. This long distance shit trying to learn about each other is rough. Especially on a different time zone.

[ladybonez-blog]

CitiBank

Really? Seriously? My book loan was returned for whatever reason that they can't get me a damn answer to. Citibank told me my money should be ready in my personal checking account. Shit still wasn't there. Called my bank, no transactions or return history or anything pending at all. Called CitiBank, "Oh it looks like it was returned." What the fuck do you MEAN returned?! The 3 other people I spoke to yesterday told me it was there and nothing was wrong with the transfer.

[ladybonez-blog]

Unimpressed.

I gained 5 lbs but I think it has to do with the fact that I am supposed to start my period soon. I dont know. Either way I'm not happy. So I ate last night because I was literally hungry, like horrible cramping pains hungry. But then I purged so thats okay.

On a side note, this girl that I like bought me flowers. With chocolates and a note that says "If Actions Speak Louder than Words, then This is My Way of Shouting. - Alexa" It was so sweet. Everybody told me I was glowing. It was a weird feeling, I've never received flowers from somebody 'just because.' So why am I acting weird? Thats probably why. Either way I love them and I'm grateful.

I kinda talked to her yesterday but she was hanging out with her best friend all day and she didnt feel good. So then she texted me at 4 am because she was still up, we talked for a little while and then I went to sleep. I dont know. I feel kinda weird about it. But I think that has to do with the fact that everyday before yesterday we literally talked all day. Like a total of 6 hours a day or something. I guess we shall see!

[ladybonez-blog]

Fell Off

So this past week all I did was eat and work and sleep. :( I gained 2 lbs. I got back on the wagon last night though. I felt a binge coming on so I got stoned first. When I get stoned and binge I immediately go to throw up. Its a lot easier because I look at thinspo while I'm eating so it makes me realize what I'm putting into my body. I think I hate 700 calories worth of food last night? :( I think I got about 500 calories out of my body though. Markers work so well by the way. Just remember, bread-y type foods are harder to throw up. Throwing up chips scratch your throat which doesn't help either.

I also couldn't work out because I would get winded really easily from having an Upper Respiratory infection. I hate those... I continuously cough for weeks after i'm not sick anymore. Finally today was the first day that I could withstand about 40 minutes of a work out. Thats definitely better than not at all!!

Now I'm about to down 2L of water here shortly!

Have you guys heard of that 10 Day Challenge? This group I'm in on Facebook had it posted and it looks like such fun! I'll post the pic! <3

Enjoy!

[cleanhealthynew]

1. Rows

Rows use dumbbells and work the two large muscles on both sides of the back. Stand with your torso tipped straight forward at about a 45-degree angle, holding the dumbbells down. Bring your arms up so that your elbows are parallel with your back and your forearms are hanging straight...

[ladybonez-blog]

Sickness

I have so many apparently. All the time. I am just getting over pneumonia  I slept since monday night, woke up last night. Roommates force fed me homemade soup full of starchy mixtures. ugh. And then they fondled chocolate in my face all day. But starting tomorrow I'm back to restriction, diet pills, exercising and laxatives. I will drop this weight. I need to drop 15 more pounds by christmas. I have a month and a half to go. I can drop this! I got this!!!

[ladybonez-blog]

just too weak.

Between the stress from my PTSD triggered by my emotionally abusive roommate and my horrible Thyroid Dr Appointment today I have had one of the shittiest days thus far. 4 hours of sleep didnt help either... Fucker woke me up and i couldn't go back to sleep.

I couldn't eat at all today. I just couldn't do it. I was so nauseated everytime I ate something that it just wasn't going to happen. But I did lose more weight so thats fine with me I guess.

I am so overly exhausted. I dont even know what to do. I just want to cry... I'm so depressed from all this shit and not even able to sleep at all because these fucking PEOPLE are so inconsiderate and wake me up. Every god damned morning. But because I dont make anything at my job I cant just up and leave and get my own place again.

I'm miserable. I feel like I'm stuck and I can't stand my roommates husband. I had a plain salad for dinner. And I had a horrible head ache. So I made another with light dressing on it this time and some chicken slices with cheese. I feel a little better. I dont feel like purging tonight. The salads were really small and thats really all that i've eaten today besides 2 slices of lunch meat at 30 cal each and 5 pickles 20 cal all together. A vitamin water and 42 oz of tap water. I will do better tomorrow, I promise. Just sick today. Feeling weak, chest hurts. Stressed. Tired. resulting to the laxatives tonight.

Someone give me a hug please...