Panda Eyes

Hello my name is John Leerskov. Welcome to my blog c: it is a pleasure to meet all of you..I am a very nice person who will talk to anyone..I suffer from severe depression..but I am trying to survive with it. I am very spiritual and love all types of music. If you suffer from depression too or just wanna talk to me (I'd be shocked if you did) I'm always here -L

[lawleitleerskov]

I Give thanks and praise to the Orishas

With them as my protectors and guides

How can I ever be lost

Ashe

[lawleitleerskov]

To me there is nothing better then smoking a little weed

Performing my rituals

And getting connected to the spirits, orishas, and ancestors

Ashe

[lawleitleerskov]

Remember even in the darkest times you are never alone

The spirits, your ancestors, and the Orishas themselves walk beside you

With them by your side nothing can block your path for long

Ashe

[lawleitleerskov]

I enjoy talking too and meeting new people

If anyone ever wants to talk

Or is feeling down and needs someone to vent or talk too

I'm always free

[lawleitleerskov]

I've seen alot of sights

And traveled many miles

I've shaken a thousand hands and I've had my share of smiles

I've explored and experienced alot in this lifetime

And I take joy knowing there is still so much to learn and do

[lawleitleerskov]

With the Orishas help

Im trying to regain balance in my life

Doing away with all that holds me down

Not letting anything block my paths

And trying to be and do better

Ashe

[lawleitleerskov]

I gotta be firm with you..

You want to be firm with me?

Motherfucker you need to understand

We are not the same

The shit that you're scared to do with your life...I did TWICE

That shit you dream of doing...I've done it

Those thoughts you have of being free..

With the Orishas I turned mine into reality!!

Even when I failed the first time did I give up..?

No

I gambled all I knew..everything..

I gave up my state..my home itself..

To get out of the toxicity that was holding me down

That was slowly killing my spirit...

Bitch you wont even attempt that

And YOU have a better chance then I ever did

Fuck you have degrees and can save money better then I ever could..

You scream how you want to be free..how you want too change..

And yet you still wont do it...You choose too stay and let that toxicity kill your spirit

What type of fuckery is that?

You can tell me your excuses

Like your obligations to your toxic family, toxic parents,or toxic relationship

You can continue to stay out of balance..

But then you have the nerve to insult and look down on ME?!?

To treat me as a person less then yourself?!?

Only treat me as somebody when you need something?!?

Nah I got to much Shango in me that shit wont fly anymore

At the end of the day my willingness to gamble.. to give up everything to the Orishas to better myself

To actually make those thoughts you only dream of into reality

Makes us not the same

Sorry but I gotta be firm with YOU

Ashe

[lawleitleerskov]

You know for years I was always there for you

Even If I was falling apart I was always there to help in anyway I could

I always did my best to be there and listen..to even in my dark days try to keep you happy and smiling

I was there for the anxities, the fears, the sadness the happytimes..I was there for them all..

I never asked for anything in return..

I was happy to just know I helped you..to just see you smile..With just the "Thanks john!" "Im so glad youre here john" "you see youre the only one that gets me in this whole world john" I was content with just that

The fucked up part even now youre still one of only 3 other people I care, love, and give a fuck about in this whole entire world

And what did that get me?

A blast of hatred from you and a we cant talk anymore speech followed by a whole lot of silence What type of fuckery is that?

Never IN THE LITERAL FUCKING YEARS THAT IVE KNOWN YOU WOULD I EVER HAVE TREATED YOU LIKE THAT

Even in our most heated of arguments would I have ever said something so hurtful and down right mean to you EVER

I Thought we were best friends

I thought when we made those promises years ago that we would always be by eachothers side that we both meant it

I thought that even when the rest of the world turned its back on us or if the rest of the world saw us as crazy...

We would be there for eachother to cheer up and keep on going ..even in despite of ourselves or anyfucking thing else

When I lost my Mom to suicide and had no family left

When you said dont worry rolly you will never lose me and you do have family my family is your family....we love you...I really believed that..

I really thought that Ari

But I guess I was fucking wrong..I'm so fucking stupid

[lawleitleerskov]

I feel more broken then I have ever felt before

Idk if I can pick up my pieces again...

[lawleitleerskov]

I feel as though I'm reaching a limit..

To what I can't explain or really say..but I feel I'm reaching it and its very terrifying to me....

[lawleitleerskov]

I wish I had more friends to talk too when I'm sad..

[lawleitleerskov]

For someone who was once oh so "concerned and worried about me constantly"

You sure dont give a fuck about me now

[lawleitleerskov]

I miss you so much..

I just miss you being around

I miss our long nights talking for hours

I miss our car rides towards our next adventures

When I'm awake I'm sad

When I close my eyes I'm with you

I miss you so much

[lawleitleerskov]

Dealing with all this pain,death, and thoughts of giving up...has left me dreaming..

Part of me wants to not fight or argue but just..run away with you

To go as far away together as possible and give you all the love that you have ever wanted and more

To hold you...spoil you..to be the person by your side that you have always deserved

To give us..two people whos lives have always been chaos some light..some reason to exist and continue

But it appears that life will never be that simple..

[lawleitleerskov]

I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID!!

But even then I still cry like a child and miss you in every second of everyday...

[lawleitleerskov]

I feel like ive changed so much in the past 2 months..

Everyday now I consist of two fighting sides

One side is the one trying to find my footing

The one who sees me fighting and struggling and continues to push me further

The one who wants me to clawWho begs me to fight to use the dark humor the charisma or whatever the hell else I can use to keep me going until I reach the finish line

Till i find the peace and enlightenment my soul craves

The other side looks at all that and just feels exhausted...

This side is like the remnants of a once glowing fire about to be put out by the wind and cold

The embers being nothing but left over bits of anger and fear

This side lacks the will to want to do anything anymore..

A heart that is weak

This side just wants to go away

To no longer exist to be left alone by everyone To abandon this world itself before it can do the same to them

It is a side broken and spiraling in the void of nothing..

To finally be at peace

Both sides want the same thing to find balance again to finally after so long be at peace..

They both just have different ways of achieveing said peace.

I don't know which side will win

Honestly if either..

May this stalemate continue until I find enlightenment or become history one

[lawleitleerskov]

So many people who "cared" gave up on me and left

So why were they surprised when I wanted to give up on myself?