My Journey Through Trans

a head space for my own awakenings as we navigate the F2M waters together

[lesbelesbenot]

The Elusive Vitamin T

Today was the day... Britt saw his therapist and received his list of endocrinologist, lawyers, and WPATH info. The professionals of his choosing will receive a letter from his therapist saying...he's a he. The next step is HRT. I'm as equally excited and sad about this. This is real. My wife will be no more and on will be birthed a husband. I spent some time alone tonight hiking my favorite trail. I lost my self in the concentration of not tripping and dying and when the green gave way to the water I sat in silence. I counted my blessings for all things this life has given me. Instead of sadness, I rejoiced. Who can say they are given an opportunity like mine? To love someone as I do and to see them give birth to their truest self? I no longer try to control the future or wait in fearful anticipation. I'm rooted in the present and grateful for its gifts.

[lesbelesbenot]

My God, they are always warm.

[lesbelesbenot]

Clint Black & Vanessa Rosage

This weekend we stepped out onto the diving board and went head first into the deep trans waters with only the words of Vanessa, Dr. Owen, and Clint Black leading the way. Vanessa and Dr. Owen are Himsy's therapists. My mister made his Facebook debut on Saturday and was met with so much support and love. This has been such a long time coming. I, for one, breathed a huge sigh of relief. It has been so hard harboring all these feelings just the two of us and waiting and assuming the worst of all things to come. As he Michael W. Smith's his way through the months and years to come, I feel better knowing we have some allies to help our journey. It takes a village, y'all. Himsy starts his HRT therapy this month. He is also teaching summer school the month of June. In July, his plans are to stop shaving his face and see where these hairs grow. He currently has some facial hair do to PCOS. Also, we are a uterus free home so that's one surgery off the list. I have a lot of feelings about the top surgery that will occur this year. I love boobs. What do I do when I have a boob moment? This brings a whole new meaning to, feeling yourself. Le sigh. I mentioned David Levithan's, "Everyday" novel before and I will take the moment to quote him now: "There will always be more questions. Every answer leads to more questions. The only way to survive is to let some of them go." I try my best to keep the unknown and the fear of the unknown at bay. I try to reframe my thoughts and acknowledge that we are all always changing. We have to evolve. This is how we grow. This is how the love we found stays alive. On June 9th, Britt and I will celebrate our 8 year anniversary. On June 13th, we celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary. I think of the people we were then, that summer 8 years ago. I think of all the adventures we have shared. I think of being parents together. I think of the depths of grief that have consumed us and the prominence of love that carried us through. We are here. We are together. This is us. And I hear Clint Black playing in my heart, "These times are troubled and these times are good And they're always gonna be, they rise and they fall We take 'em all the way that we should Together you and me forsaking them all Deep in the night and by the light of day It always looks the same, true love always does And here by your side, or a million miles away Nothin's ever gonna change the way that I feel, The way it is, is the way that it was When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time Be faithful and true, devoted to you That's what I had in mind when I said I do Well this old world keeps changin', and the world stays the same For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand Only you and I can undo all that we became That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man And after everything that comes and goes around Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams I know there's a lonely heart in every lost and found But forever you and I will be the ones Who found out what forever means When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time Be faithful and true, devoted to you That's what I had in mind when I said I do Truer than true, you know that I'll always be there for you That's what I had in mind, that's what I had in mind, When I said I do"

[lesbelesbenot]

I May Not Have It All Figured Out

This weekend my Himsy (new term of endearment) and I had a wedding to attend. We had many a conversation about our attire leading up to the event.

I sense that Himsy is most comfortable when his dress is comfortable. I can only imagine what it has been like dressing as a woman all these years. I equate it to working in West Texas and not being out at work. Living a closeted life is challenging, hurtful, and often scary.

When we made the move to Austin, I decided I would be honest about my life. If asked, I would answer honestly about my home life. It was as simple and trivial as that.

So, I am constantly asking myself what I can do to assist him in reaching a maximum level of comfort in this stage of transition. This weekend, I wanted him to have a pair of men’s chinos or slacks to wear to the wedding. Saturday we had breakfast and set out on our journey.

It pained me to watch him feel awkward using a female dressing room and then watch women stare at his legs and clothes when in the women’s dressing room. It bothered me more than it did him, but it didn’t seem fair.

I do not claim to have this all figured out, but I do know how fiercely protective I am over him.

In the end, it took going to an all male clothing store to receive the greatest level of service with not one second of judgement. Our shopper was so sweet, so helpful, and set up a dressing room for him with no second of doubt. He found a snazzy pair of navy slacks that he paired with cognac brogues, navy striped dress socks, and a navy striped button down. I felt very lucky to have such a handsome date.

Since his social networking debut I have had a myriad of questions. Some have taken me by surprise and others have been very thoughtful. I welcome questions because I never want someone to forget about the human element here. If you feel comfortable enough to ask me about our life then I want to be as honest with you as I can with my answers.

I do not know how many trans people you know. If we are the first trans couple you know well enough to ask questions then please do so. You know us. You know the kind of people we are. When those tough or thought provoking questions come to your attention regarding trans rights or trans culture…

I want you to think of us and our ordinary life.

I also want you to think of the amount of bravery and fear that comes with being public about such a declaration.

Most importantly, I want you to know we don’t have it all figured out. It is not always sunshine and laughter and joy. There are real concerns, fears, and questions. Even greater than all those messy emotions there is love.

[lesbelesbenot]

Speechless

The summer between my second and third grade year of school a group of nuns arrived in our tiny town to host vacation bible school. Our nun was explaining to us about death and heaven. (Yes, I'm aware at what a heavy topic this is for that age group, you know Catholic stuff.) So, our nun was explaining to us about not fearing death. She went on to explain through our faith we are promised this wonderful afterlife in this place called heaven. So, this genius woman, gives us the best analogy I have ever heard. She explains to us that we were all once in our mothers stomachs. We felt comfortable there. We could hear our mothers voice and we were fed and warm and safe. We had no idea that a whole new life awaited us. So, while we feel like this life is wonderful and comfortable and safe...we have no idea what lies ahead. Well, this story rings true in many scenarios. Britt and I have been living in a cave of darkness, fear, sadness, and uncertainty for a year. As unbelievable as it may seem, even darkness can become comfortable. Fear is that powerful and paralyzing. I have spent much of this year paralyzed by my emotions. With this came countless hours on a couch in a therapist office, countless articles read, and even more books devoured. One of the most powerful things I have learned is sitting with the uncomfortable and accepting it. And once you have accepted the uncomfortable, how can you reframe your thinking. At some point, I stopped thinking about myself and how lost and confused I was by what my spouse was sharing. Instead, I started to give love and acceptance because I remembered how it felt to yearn for love and acceptance. Britt is brave. How many of us can honestly say we are living our truth? And how many of us would be willing to live that truth if it meant we could possibly lose so much? That being said, I don't have it all figured out. My emotions get the best of me. I'm still navigating these waters and preparing for storms and waves ahead. I'm not alone. I have Britt. Aren't we all changing all the time anyway? Some time ago, I bought and read David Levithan's book, "Everyday". Britt and I reread this book together last year. I highly recommend it if you are asking yourself what you would do in my shoes.

[lesbelesbenot]

The bandage

Well, we’ve been talking about this for weeks. Britt’s gender therapist had him make a timeline for steps in his transition. One of the first was coming out to close family and friends. Then to come out on social media.

Well, the bandage has been ripped off. I introduced my husband to the Instagram world after he posted his first selfie in his first suit. Tonight is the Greater Austin High School Musical Theatre Awards and his school is a nominee. He ordered his first suit for the occasion. I tied his tie.

I’ve been sitting here for about an hour now thinking back on all of this. I’ve been all over the place emotionally about this. Tonight was really surreal.

One of the very first things I did after Britt told me about his wishes was buy him man pants. Or men’s underwear. I don’t really know what possessed me to do such a thing. You see, we’ve been on this journey since October. Almost no one has known until recently. I wanted to be supportive. I wanted him to feel comfortable in his baby steps in manhood. His underwear would be something no one could see but he could feel…

Much like how he felt for so long.

So, I took my happy ass to four stores and bought five types of underwear. My favorite being some poop emoji boxer briefs. They are still our favorite.

I have shed many tears. I know I will continue to do so as I mourn the loss of my wife Brittany. However, I’m learning that love is love is love. Whatever Britt’s soul is made of mine is too.

Here’s to our next big adventure.

[lesbelesbenot]

Current Struggle

I’m a thinker, I cannot help myself.

I’ve been up most of the night with this current struggle.

What makes someone male vs female other than chromosomes. How can you know if you were born in the right body?

The only comparison I have to the internal struggle my person is feeling is being a lesbian. I cannot describe how I know I’m a lesbian other than to say I feel it deeply within me. No, I’ve never been straight. No I have never been with a man but I know deep down it is not for me.

So, I this is what I have to compare how it must feel being born in the wrong body. You may not be able to pinpoint what inherently makes you feel male inside but you just know it.

Now, my struggle is I want to believe I am intelligent enough and love enough that the body is merely the vessel for the soul I have fallen in love with all these years. However, I still find myself having a difficult time imagining myself walking down a street holding the hand of a man, going to bed at night with a man, kissing a hairy face good night.

If the argument is, internally I am already doing these things because inside my person is already a male…

Then I have to say that doesn’t hold water for me. The same need to have my persons outside match their insides, is the driving force behind my indescribable need to be with a female.

I do not know if any of this makes sense.

I do know I have been having so many internal questions about myself. And that has been really difficult.

[boy-so-pale]

[lesbelesbenot]

Truth

[lesbelesbenot]

All Aspects of Life

I had a crazy dream I was dating this random male stranger.

So, I woke up and cried for a long time.

Okay, I’m still crying.

In saying yes to my person, does that also mean I would say yes to men in general? You have to humor me, I have not looked at a man in a way other than a bro since high school. Now I find myself staring at them all the time. I am staring and wondering what parts of them may look like on my person. A lot of beards, and I do not really know about that either. I have never been a fan of hair. In fact when I boast to guys about one of the pluses of being a lesbian, I often say well when you go to bed at night do you want to cuddle with these soft legs, soft skin, and soft lips or hairy feet, hairy legs, hairy arms, and sand paper face?

Everything in my life feels unstable and unfamiliar and I feel unloved.

[lesbelesbenot]

I cannot tell you the exact date that my person told me their insides did not match their outsides.

I can tell you that either the day after or the night of I wrote this haiku.

I can also tell you that we were laying in bed and that I knew they had some very heavy conversation with their therapist that week. I knew because I love my person and I can sense these kinds of things about them.

They told me that among all the other things going on with therapy this feeling they had pushed away for a very long time had surfaced. And that in speaking with their therapist they finally felt comfortable enough to say, they were trans.

I can tell you I cried and laughed.

My first thought was Jesus Christ I really cannot handle anything else in my life changing right now.

(Earlier this year we had a very ugly court battle to intervene on our Foster children’s behalf and lost, due to blatant homophobia.)

Also, my person has been in therapy for the better part of the year to sort out their own feelings about abandonment and apparently this.

My second thought was, fuck you therapist! And then the laugh. I could not help myself. I could not help the emotions of this hippie woman (therapist) coming along and ruining my life.

My person and I have had pretty close to zero intimacy in 2016. I have done my best to respect boundaries and healing. I have not pushed this topic one iota. I have been a really, amazing (yes I’m going to brag on myself) support system for all the items being processed in therapy.

My immediate feelings were I love you for who you are on the inside.

Of course I am going to love and support you as you go through this process of finding your truth.

And then we went to sleep.

The next day I could see this physical weight lifted off my person’s shoulders. They seemed lighter. Also, a dialogue had been opened. Questions were going back and forth and honesty shared. It felt nice to have any kind of connection with my person. I had been starved for human interaction.

Then, that evening they told me about bottom surgery and wanted to show me pictures.

I became physically ill.

You see, I’m a lesbian.

A bonafide, card carrying, GOLD fucking STAR, lesbian. My whole life I have been attracted to feminine women. I have never done anything other than kiss a man aside from a “touched the penis” moment in Mexico in 2001 (literally touched and walked away).

The thought of laying next to a man in an intimate way really was a mind maze to me.

Being with a man, loving a man, being married to a man…

Never part of my plan.

So now what?

A lot of questions, a lot of tears, a lot of feelings.