Letters From Someone Like You

An aromantic and asexual advice column

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

Hello friend. 👋

Welcome to Letters From Someone Like You.

We are a aromantic and asexual centric advice column and I’m CJ. This is a safe space for all of your aroace questions whether you’re aro or ace (or both), questioning, or if you just want to learn.

Here you can ask anything. You can submit on here anonymously or via Letters From Someone Like You. There is no space for judgement here and your concerns are safe in my hands.

my self intro

Submit a question here: ANON

— someone like you

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

how do I deal with the isolation I feel from my community?

i'm aroace and I find a lot of aro/ace posts so... unrelatable. I don't relate to aroallo/alloace posts (and these communities have my appreciation in spades, i imagine that it takes a lot of strength to assert what you do and do not want, and that it takes a lot of introspection to discover what those are in the first place!).

i have a hard time relating to aroace posts too, though. The majority of people (that i have seen, anyway) seem to unite themselves under a banner of 'i always felt wrong and weird and excluded and i would lie about it to fit in' (these people have my appreciation also- i imagine that it's very difficult to endure such a feeling) whereas I was just... wondering what the fuck was wrong with people.

of course, I am no longer eleven and my views have matured as I have. Still, it just... frustrates me. I feel like nobody sees the power and beauty of a life that never has to give way to someone else's. How do I find people who see the sheer beauty of aroaceness? I just... is there nobody else who never thought of themself as wrong?

Sorry for the rambles :( i hope that this makes sense

hi friend !!

i completely get what you are talking about, it’s so hard to find genuine community now, especially online.

I think the thing that makes it so hard is that 1) it’s rare to see people being their authentic unfiltered self unless they’ve done work and 2) no one has the same experience and there is a culture of monolithic expectation. everyone thinks they should all be the same and 3) the attempts to equate asexuality to disability.

i’m aroace, and i have experienced this from both ends. i didn’t think there was anything wrong with me for not experiencing attraction until i was told there was. growing up in an evangelical household made that very prevalent for and showed me how obsessed everyone was with sex. after moving out on my own, i started to drift back to my natural state.

there is a really interesting article on substack about the exclusion of aroaceness in queer spaces and how we have the authority to build our own spaces.

i do believe that there are aroace people who do outwardly love themselves and who never felt broken, they are just outspoken because attention is often attracted to pain.

that being said, i hope you continue to live loudly and to never believe you are anything less than amazing. take care of yourself until next time.

— someone like you

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

how do I deal with the isolation I feel from my community?

i'm aroace and I find a lot of aro/ace posts so... unrelatable. I don't relate to aroallo/alloace posts (and these communities have my appreciation in spades, i imagine that it takes a lot of strength to assert what you do and do not want, and that it takes a lot of introspection to discover what those are in the first place!).

i have a hard time relating to aroace posts too, though. The majority of people (that i have seen, anyway) seem to unite themselves under a banner of 'i always felt wrong and weird and excluded and i would lie about it to fit in' (these people have my appreciation also- i imagine that it's very difficult to endure such a feeling) whereas I was just... wondering what the fuck was wrong with people.

of course, I am no longer eleven and my views have matured as I have. Still, it just... frustrates me. I feel like nobody sees the power and beauty of a life that never has to give way to someone else's. How do I find people who see the sheer beauty of aroaceness? I just... is there nobody else who never thought of themself as wrong?

Sorry for the rambles :( i hope that this makes sense

hi friend !!

i completely get what you are talking about, it’s so hard to find genuine community now, especially online.

I think the thing that makes it so hard is that 1) it’s rare to see people being their authentic unfiltered self unless they’ve done work and 2) no one has the same experience and there is a culture of monolithic expectation. everyone thinks they should all be the same and 3) the attempts to equate asexuality to disability.

i’m aroace, and i have experienced this from both ends. i didn’t think there was anything wrong with me for not experiencing attraction until i was told there was. growing up in an evangelical household made that very prevalent for and showed me how obsessed everyone was with sex. after moving out on my own, i started to drift back to my natural state.

there is a really interesting article on substack about the exclusion of aroaceness in queer spaces and how we have the authority to build our own spaces.

i do believe that there are aroace people who do outwardly love themselves and who never felt broken, they are just outspoken because attention is often attracted to pain.

that being said, i hope you continue to live loudly and to never believe you are anything less than amazing. take care of yourself until next time.

— someone like you

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

What does ‘AroAce’ mean?

key terms: asexual, ace, aromantic, aro, aroace

hey there it’s cj, your local aroace pal. i’ve gotten some questions about what it means to be aromantic or asexual (or both!) and i want to take the time to answer that.

Asexuality / Asexual / Ace

a sexual orientation characterized by experiencing little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexuality is a spectrum; asexual people may experience no, little, or conditional sexual attraction, and they may still have romantic relationships, high emotional intimacy, or a sex drive, even if they lack the drive to be sexual with others.

Aromanticism / Aromantic / Aro

a person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others, representing a distinct romantic orientation rather than a personal choice. While aromantics may not feel "in love," they can still form deep, loving, non-romantic, or queerplatonic relationships.

Aromantic - Asexual / AroAce

… shorthand for "aromantic asexual," describing individuals who experience little to no romantic or sexual attraction to others. As a blend of two identities, it sits on both the aromantic and asexual spectrums, though individuals may still value close, non-romantic, or non-sexual relationships (such as queerplatonic partnerships).

Remember, both asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums so your experience may be different that someone else's. :)

[aroaceenjolras]

Asexuality and aromanticism being defined as "little to no sexual/romantic attraction" is crazy to me. Imagine if they redefined being a gay man as "little to no attraction to women" and you had to, like, figure out for yourself that liking men was a part of it.

Personally, I define my aroaceness not as a lack of romantic or sexual attraction, but as an orientation towards relationships that are neither romantic nor sexual. Redefining my orientation this way has helped me find a lot of peace I didn't have before.

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

and how it is a lack if i never felt it in the first place?

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

currently having a very aroace day (my friend announced a pregnancy while i was reading a book on the history of map making)

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

book in question: The Library of Lost Maps

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

currently having a very aroace day (my friend announced a pregnancy while i was reading a book on the history of map making)

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

Friendship v Romance

Anon asked: I have a crush on my friend, but I think it’s just platonic because I don’t feel attraction. How do I navigate strong feelings for someone without confusing them or myself?

hi friend !!

thank you for your message. this is such an important topic that a lot of us deal with (even if we don't know it). it's so easy to confuse the different kinds of attraction (romantic, sexual, platonic, aesthetic, sensual) especially when we live in a world where everything is sort of just rolled into one.

one of things that I found extremely helpful when i was figuring out my own attraction was to make a list. nothing intense, just writing down what I liked about that person. once I had that written out, I could see that it was queer platonic and not romantic.

once you have how you feel more figured out, navigating it should be easier but when in doubt communicate and give yourself grace. it's also important to remember that it's normal for feelings to feel intense, even if its platonic.

— someone like you

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

hi, im wondering if there are any arospec alternatives to "i love you"? my guess is that someone has coined a few options, im just not sure where to find them 😅 "i care about you" is awesome but if there are any cute niche phrases, it would be cool to ask my gf to weigh in and see if there are any we both like.

hi friend !!

thanks for the ask !! I'm not sure if there are any arospec specific alternatives to "I love you" since romantic love is not the be all end all of expressions of love. my partner and I use "I love you" and I often use "I feel at ease with you" which is a big deal to me. however, after asking around here are a few ideas for you!

I love you / I love being around you

I appreciate you / you're important to me

I feel safe with you / you make me feel safe / I trust you

you're my person / you're my favorite person

if you're feeling eloquent "platonically yours"

the best thing to do is to talk to your partner or friends to figure out what works for you. until next time, take care of yourself.

— someone like you

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

after gettjng in a wpr, i finally realized im rose averse (romantically + sexually averse)

which is kinda wild cuz i thought i “wasnt aroace enough” a lot of the time

hi friend !!

thanks for the submission but also congrats on figuring out who you are, that’s amazing !! that can be difficult to do especially right now. i know you didn’t actually ask a question so i hope you don’t mind me answering anyway.

it’s extremely common to not realize who you are right away or to not realize that you are different from everyone else around you. when you grow up with an aroace point of view, you can see that as the norm unless who have people telling you otherwise. plus being ace/aro/aroace is already so stigmatized, so we're open to more criticisms than our allo counterparts, especially if you aren't 100% sexless and romanceless. so it's easy to feel that you aren't "aroace" enough.

remember (and everyone reading this) there is no such thing as not being aroace enough or not being queer enough. wherever you fall on the identity spectrum is just who you are and you all deserve love and grace, however that looks for you.

— someone like you

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

Do you have a favorite Ace/Aro/AroAce character or story?

No, I don’t have one.

Yes, a tv show or movie.

Yes, a book or comic.

N/A, results

Voting ended onApr 1

Leave your favorite ace/aro/aroace characters and media in the tags! 💜🖤💚🩶🤍

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

i forgot to add my own 😅

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

Do you have a favorite Ace/Aro/AroAce character or story?

No, I don’t have one.

Yes, a tv show or movie.

Yes, a book or comic.

N/A, results

Voting ended onApr 1

Leave your favorite ace/aro/aroace characters and media in the tags! 💜🖤💚🩶🤍

[silvermoon424]

As an ace this is the only time "you just haven't met the right person yet" has made me laugh lmaoooo

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

Romantic & Sexual Pressure

Anon asked: People keep assuming I’m just “shy” or “haven’t met the right person yet.” I’m aroace and happy that way, but I don’t know how to make people stop questioning me without being rude.

hi friend !!

it's so annoying when people are always bugging you about why you aren't dating and mingling. I got so irritated every time I heard the words "you just haven't met the right person yet", I imagine you feel similar about that fun little phrase.

the best thing to do (at least in my experience) is to be straightforward with them. it may seem rude in theory, but I think it all depends on how safe a person they are. if they are safe, you can explain that you're aroace. but if they aren't a safe person (I hope this isn't the case) try to explain it away by claiming romance just isn't something you want right now and to kindly ask them to leave you alone about it.

personally, I lied and told them I was dating people so they'd leave me alone but I don't recommend that at all. however, whatever you decide to do make sure being gentle with yourself is at the top of your list. until next time, friend.

— someone like you

[makingqueerhistory]

The gay child is not lacking, she is difference, outside of the norm, inside a normality of her own; not until later will she come to understand that her normality marks her out from others, condemns her to secrecy and shame.” ― Nina Bouraoui, All Men Want to Know

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

Um, hiii, I don't really know how to start this but but I want to know how to go about what I am going to say... recently, I had a conversation with my dad about marriage and kids. I am aroace. He believes getting married and having kids is what we were made for...and that really got to me, for years ever since I was a kid I've been terrified of that reality since i never wanted that, ever. As I've said before: I am aroace. I'm proud and happy being that, and I prefer platonic and familial connections, I've been worrying about what he said and now I've stumbled across your blog, and I want to know what I should do. Thank youuu.

hi friend !!

thanks for the ask! but oh that sucks so bad that your dad said that, i’m sorry. it’s always hard when the people around us are so deep into heteronormativity and have an obsession with marriage and children.

i think what you should do depends on if your dad (or parents as a whole) are safe people. if they are safe people, it might be worth sitting down and talking with them about your aromantism. If you know they aren't the type to be accepting, maybe don't name it but say something like "hey marriage isn't something I'm thinking about right now because of [xyz]".

I never came out to my family members as aroace because of this, although I hope things go significantly better for you. In the meantime, whether you tell your dad or not, take care of yourself and remember you are not broken, you are not a burden. just because you may not fit into his teeny tiny box of expecations, doesn't mean you failed.

until next time friend.

– someone like you

[letters-from-someone-like-you]

Navigating Trauma and Orientation

Mentions of sex, abuse, trauma, rape, and sexual identity below the cut

this time i’m focusing on my own struggles and get log vulnerable: how do you navigate your sexuality while navigating sexual trauma without contradicting yourself?

hi friends

i hope you all are doing well today. as i stated above, i’m going to be talking about something i’m going through and will be extremely vulnerable in this letter.

when i was younger i was a victim of sexual abuse by another child and then years later by an adult. all of this occurred before realizing that i was asexual and aromantic. i developed a hypersexual response to my trauma and would often over-sexualize myself, including post my body online and chatting with strangers who would degrade me.

after much time in therapy i came to realize that i was subconsciously trying to relive my trauma. this made figuring out that i was asexual extremely difficult, which ive been navigating for a few years now. being sex repulsed and hypersexual is terrifying, because ive only reached out for sexual-anything when i was feeling overwhelmed and controlled by my trauma.

this leads to me to question, how do i exist in both? how can i be ace (especially sex repulsed) if i seeking this out? it’s been a process but ive begun to unpack that they are separate and sometimes it’s hard to be kind to myself

so, i know i tell you guys to be gentle with yourself but i need to remember that too :)

— someone like you