My mind is constantly fast-playing thoughts, dreams, and memories.
For some reason, sometimes my BRAIN is like:
"Hey, if you died right now, this is what you would see: "life flashing before your eyes."
The same memories pop up every time. And it's the only time I even think about that memory.
I honestly can't think of what the other are right now. But there is one I remember.
I think I was about 3 or 4 years old. My maternal grandmother took me shopping with her at KMART. I remember the smell of the cafe there. Soft pretzels and blue raspberry slushies. YUMM.
I'm sitting in the front of the cart. I know I said something bratty (don't know what) because I remember my grandmother having this tone in her voice. Like she had enough of my shit. She then started to tell me that I had an older sister but my parents gave her away, and that they would do the same to me if I didn't behave.
I remember doubting what she said but didn't want to take the chance. I did realize later in life that it wasn't true obviously.
But again, when I was super young, like maybe 5, I also remember sitting in the back of the car with my parents in the front. We're driving home from somewhere and I randomly sit up and lean over in between the front seats. (because I don't remember ever using a booster seat back then lol that wasn't a thing. I rode in the back end of a pickup if the weather was nice.)
And I just had this compulsion to blurt out:
"You know, I wish I had different parents."
And I said it with a smile on my face, like matter of factly. Not realizing or thinking of how they would feel. I just had to get that out.
Of course, my parents were stunned. They scolded me of course, telling me how mean I was.
Looking back, I feel bad. Especially with being a parent myself now. I would be heartbroken if my son said that to me.
But those two are some of the first memories for me that I was scolded for saying something I shouldn't have but I couldn't help saying it. It wasn't always "bad" things I would want to say. It was my ideas and opinions on things I heard family members talking about.
And I know it seems that kids say ridiculous stuff all the time. Usually brutely honest.
But eventually, in my early years, I learned the hard way to just keep my mouth shut when adults were around. I didn't want to get screamed at or hit. And not just by family members. It sounds bad, but I really wasn't physically abused much. It was more emotional and neglect than anything, to be honest.
When I hit my teenage years, my family wondered why I was so shy and quiet and stayed in my room as much as possible or not even be home.
Granted one wish, I would talk to my younger self and give advice on how to be happy and safe.
Did not hear either parent say "I love you" or hug me until my first Grippy Sock Vacation at age 19. It felt forced. Like they just wanted to make themselves feel better about their parenting skills.
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