blue

[lil-glitch]

it feels awful.

i can feel it coming back yet i have no control, no power to sway.

the work piles up, the texts from friends, calls from family. it seems never-ending

how can i tell them that I'm falling right back to where i was?

what was the point of my effort before? how hard i tried, pushed, to feel free again.

yet i feel the darkness pulling on my sleeve, consuming my hand in the guise of a friend. tugging me in a direction i know all to well.

i've forgotten how to speak, my throat is dry and i can't push out a sound, a protest.

my legs feel warm, too warm, and i can't control them as they walk further.

i turn back and see the freedom i had fought so hard for. how can i not fight now? my body feels so heavy and weak, the darkness that holds my hand seeps up my arm slowly.

i remember this feeling. it's almost comforting. should just give in to it? let the familiar dread back inside as i recluse into my mind, letting my body follow numbly

[lil-glitch]

even now I still see your face

[lil-glitch]

it’s such a whirlwind looking back at pictures from my childhood

she’s so young and innocent

i can’t remember what it feels like to smile that big, i try to do it in the mirror and my cheeks ache from the effort

i want to protect her from the harshness of the world, yet i look at myself now and i see i failed

[lil-glitch]

i feel like i don’t have a home

the house i grew up in is a trap that grips my throat and chokes me till i can’t breath and my skin goes blue

a constant memory of a fractured childhood, the fear, the fights, the tears

and even after i’d left, there was no one place i was in

no home i could call mine

constantly shifting and moving, traveling

“you’re so well traveled, you’re so cultured”

simply because i was forced to

sleeping in beds that weren’t mine, eating dinner with families that pitied me

never feeling secure or safe in any place i was in

a constant change

it’s bittersweet in a way, i love who i am today, and my experiences built me

but is it too much to ask?

to have a place to call home

[lil-glitch]

and all i am is honest, i tell the truth because i’ve been hurt with lies too many times

yet not matter how honest i am no one ever believes me

they will never trust what i say

how can i bare my heart constantly but still be told to not be fake

i cannot tell you anything more because I have already said everything there is

[lil-glitch]

am I a bad person?

when things get too hard I shut myself out, I push away the people that are around me and care about me

it feels like too much

how could I possibly burden you with the heaviness in my head? in my heart?

my own body hurts from being held down from all of it, I couldn't ask anyone to carry it as well, to be burdened as well

yet it hurts

to view life from the inside of my eyes, disconnected from reality

I can tell that my body smiles, that I ask people about their day, if they're doing well

but if they ask me I can't respond

I'm stuck in a room in my head and my body lives without me

speaking and doing what it was taught as a child, what was appropriate

I have no control

am I a bad person?

too not fight for it? its easy to just stay in my room in my head and let my body live as it aught

[lil-glitch]

is it too much to ask?

to be accepted as i am, with flaws and imperfections like everyone else

i feel i never have a moment to rest

never a moment of peace

[lil-glitch]

i love you

i want to tell you but i can’t

we haven’t spoken for two weeks now

why must we be ripped apart? was i not worth it?

you said it’s better this way, but better for who? i saw you today, at least i thought i did

it wasn’t you but for a split second, for a moment of time my heart lifted in my chest and then it fell and shattered on the ground as i realized

i couldn’t think about anything else after that, i could only see your face and hear your name

it’s been two weeks

yet i feel like i’ve been left here for a lifetime

i know i can’t tell you so i’ll write it here instead and hope you see it

i still love you

[lil-glitch]

and it kills me inside that you do not try

you don’t reach for my hand or for my heart

it feels like a battle just to hear your voice

and then i realize that is how you are, made to never try and always put it off until it is too late

and i break down wishing and wanting, waiting for days and nights

when finally, a whisper is heard ‘how are you? i miss you’

but as is in your nature

you’re too late

[lil-glitch]

is this all life is?

a constant changing blur, nothing to define and nothing to keep?

i don’t understand

i was at home and now i am not, where will i be in time? why do you ask me?

‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’

i cannot see myself now, i cannot fathom where i am or what i think. i see the world and my surroundings, yet they are never the same. will they ever be the same?

what am i to do with myself when i don’t even know if i am a self. am i a person? a being? to what extent?

if i live life goes one, yet if i die it still moves.

the cycle of nature.

it’s almost cruel to consider, is there a point to anything? you could create connections with those you love and hold near to your heart. but they never stay the same.

your surroundings will always change, the people will always change.

you will always change.

it must be a joke made by the universe. to build this pressure that you must hold a certain plan or goal. but what goal can you have when nothing is certain?

when your body aches at such a young age does that mean you’re already old? have you already lived?

what is there to do? the simple thought of existing is too overwhelming to understand.

so i simply will not.

it’s not death, no. i will still live, i will breath.

but i will cease to exist.

[remanence-of-love]

[lil-glitch]

it’s such a simple sentence yet it holds such a power over you. it’s too strong, it’s not enough

it wrings your heart and your mind, an endless turmoil to understand

why must we fight inside ourselves to feel? to open our hearts to those who are around us?

i feared it for so long, my mouth too dry to even utter.

yet you showed me how to speak,

i love you

[lil-glitch]

i hope you know.

i hope you know what i would do for you, what i already do for you

‘don’t carry that you’ll hurt yourself’ i can feel my muscles burning

‘here take my jacket’ i can’t feel my fingers from the cold

‘you can finish it i’m not that hungry’ i haven’t eaten today

‘you sit in the shade, i like the sun’ my shirt is sticking to my skin from sweat

i would give my life if it meant you could live yours

i hope you know

- for T

[missinyouiskillingme]

I’m having one of those moments right now..

[lil-glitch]

and yet with every touch and every kiss i can feel my heart aching,

how can i feel nothing when you have confessed the world to me?

how can i recoil from the sweetest of whispers against my ear? or a gentle caress of my cheek?

a cruel joke on me

[lil-glitch]

it leaves me speechless,

how quick you are to fall in love, to trust and bare your heart.

i feel a pain in my chest as i realize i’ll never experience that, i will never love so much so quickly that i would give anything for you.

i blush and stutter but not because i feel butterflies but because i’m scared.

i’m scared of what you think you will gain because i know i will not be able to give it, and you will say i used you and leave me to the dust when you see how loveless i truly am.

i say nothing when you tell me you love me because how can i?

how can i say i love you when i don’t even know what love is. i have never felt it nor been shown it,

and yet here you are handing me your heart when i have small weak hands

i do not know how to tell you that i will drop it.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait In Letters/ Anne Sexton, from a letter to Anne Clarke dated 23 March 1964