Chronically Lilan

They/them/their. other gender-neutral pronouns my name Disabled. Chronically Ill. - Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome - GERD & IBS - PCOS - Depression & Anxiety Ambulatory mobility-aid user. Medicated for depression & pain. Altered diet for health reasons. Queer. Trans. - Pan/Bi-romantic. - Demisexual. - Nonbinary/Genderqueer. On T since 7/28/17💉💉 Intersectional feminist. White. Hearing. College educated. Straight- & Cis-passing. Invisibly disabled. Anti-ableism. Anti-agism. Anti-audism. Anti-capitalism. Anti-cissexism. Anti-homophobia. Anti-imperialism. Anti-linguistic prescriptivism. Anti-racism. Anti-sexism. Anti-transmisogyny. Anti-transphobia. Body positive. Intactivist. Mental health positive. Pro-choice. Sex positive. Socialist. 24. Academic. Activist. Animal lover. Anxious. ASL user. Aspiring. Attached. Babysitter. Cat lover. Cat owned. Dog lover. Dog owner. Educator. Family-oriented. Food lover. Homebody. Honest. Learner. Loud. Lover. Optimist. Organized. Outspoken. Pierced (11 & 3 retired). Poet. Sensitive. Student. Tattooed (2). Writer. This is a safe space.

[lilanlm-blog]

9 Months on T

Saturday (the 28th) was 9 months on #testosterone!!

..

Wild how fast it went by! When I started, the idea of being on T this long seemed pretty fake. But now I dread the day I decide I need to stop (but I do still figure it’ll come). I LOVE being on testosterone.

I love how it makes my body feel. I love the energy it gives me. I love that it’s made me stronger again. I love that it’s increased my endurance. I’m so grateful for what it’s done for my health overall. But. That isn’t even the best or most important part.

..

I absolutely love how it’s made my body look. For what I think are pretty obvious reasons, I don’t generally prioritize appearance over bodily feeling or physical health. But fuck, guys. The change in appearance is a really big deal!

Plus, in this disabled and chronically ill body, bad days - and weeks and months - as well as the eventual decline of my overall health, is an inevitability. I had a nasty flare a couple weeks ago that I’ve been recovering from since, and now I’ve had a cold since Tuesday. This is the worst my health had been since I started T. Because of that, I’ve been stressing about whether or not going on T was even worth it (since so much of my reasoning was health-related). But it just took actually pausing to consider that question to know the answer.

No part of me regrets starting T, and it would be fine if it didn’t help my health.

The way T has physically changed my body effects every aspect of my life. It’s changed everything, in ways I never even considered for myself.

When I look in the mirror, more often than not, I actually see myself. I didn’t for a long time, and I didn’t even realize it was happening. I didn’t realize that so much of my discomfort with my body and my style and basically all aspects of my expression was actually my dysphoria. I didn’t realize that my inevitable panic attacks before all fancy-dress events were caused by dysphoria. I’m still discovering all the ways dysphoria has been present in my life.

..

I’m still discovering how nonbinary I’ve always been.

It feels like I am constantly seeing memories in a new light, constantly finding moments and experiences in which my transness was alive and apparent, and went un-identified.

I’m noting memories that are what they are because I had those experiences as a nonbinary person, even tho I didn’t realize it at the time, even tho it’s taken me until now to realize it.

I didn’t think this would happen to me. I didn’t think I had trans epiphanies in my future. I didn’t think I would discover new parts of my transgender identity. I knew my current experiences would start to shift and be different, but I was solid and confident in my understanding of my own transness. It didn’t even occur to me that being on testosterone would change that.

But it has.

And it continues to do so.

I’m learning to embrace the new and see how the new is very much the old.

Being on T has felt scary at times because I’m not great with change, and it’s felt like everything is changing. Discovering the parts of my past that actually directly pointed to now has been so immensely helpful. Seeing how who I was at 2 and 5 and 9 and 12 and 16 all point to who I am now has made me feel so much better about the changes I’m choosing by taking T. I was terrified that going on hormones meant I was no longer the steady, consistent person I’ve always known myself to be. But being on testosterone, in actuality, has helped and is helping me to remember who I am and who I’ve always been.

..

I didn’t realize how not at home I was in my body until I started feeling more at home in it.

And I am home in it. I am this body and this body is me, and it’s finally starting to show the world who me really is.

..

It’s an unreal feeling.

..

I am so grateful to get to make all these realizations.

I am so grateful to get to make them now.

I am so SO freakin grateful to get to share them with the world, with the people in my life and my community, with my friends and family and coworkers, with my queer and trans fam.

I am so grateful to be loved all the same and better in my honesty and my truth.

I am so grateful to live the life that I do.

[lilanlm-blog]

New Year, Full Heart

My heart is so so full these days.

Yesterday was 23 weeks on T! Freaking wild. I feel amazing. Like. So amazing. My body is so much happier on testosterone than it ever was on estrogen & progesterone, or even just in its natural state. I am stronger, have a lot more stamina, and have a much shorter recovery time. I’m going to post a lot more for my 6 month anniversary in 2 weeks. Today, I mostly just want to talk about how my voice is finally dropping! This is both exciting - because I like the way it’s starting to sound - and terrifying. People who I’m not out to have started commenting, asking if I’m sick, etc., and I don’t know that I’m ready to explain my identity and medical choices to everyone. I’m stuck in the same space I’ve been in for a while, feeling like because I don’t have a more-easily comprehendible, binary explanation, that explaining at all will likely be more trouble/upset/trauma/discrimination than it’s worth. But now I’m feeling like it’s probably becoming less avoidable, and that’s scary. I guess I’m not totally sure what I’m going to do. Does anyone have any suggestions/input/feedback to offer? I feel like I could use it.

I’m also finally dating again, and it’s kind of the most wonderful, magical thing. I’ll post more about this and them soon, but suffice it to say that I feel more seen, heard, understood, and accepted by this person than I have by any past people that I was romantic with. They are kind, smart, considerate, observant, funny, loving, passionate, and so so cute. It’s finally sinking in that this thing we have happening is real, and /that/ is pretty unreal. They’re incredible, simply incredible, and I feel so unbelievably privileged to have them in my life, let alone know them in the intimate and vulnerable capacity which I am getting to. I’m pretty enamored.

Being back at work is so good! It was a kind of rough week overall, but it still felt really good to get back in the swing of things, see my coworkers, see the kids, etc. I’m excited to be there and doing hard work without school (yay, I finished my undergrad! holy shit, i finished my undergrad!) and homework also looming. I’m also excited to start moving forward towards getting my teaching license! That’s another kind of scary thing, but I really do feel like it’s the most logical and likely next step, so forward I must go!

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, really, but I am feeling incredibly excited for this new year and for all the new things that have begun for me recently. I feel like this year is going to be one of growth, challenge, and joy. I’m feeling incredibly positive and optimistic, and am so grateful for those feelings and for all the amazing people, communities, and opportunities I have in my life!

[lilanlm-blog]

This Is What ‘Self-Care’ REALLY Means, Because It’s Not All Salt Baths And Chocolate Cake

Did you use the right filter for that ‘gram of your impeccably prepared acai bowl?

“True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.”

[lilanlm-blog]

Two Years Later

As of today, I’ve been single for two whole years. I’ve come such a long way in that time, in terms of mental health and also just as a person. I’ve grown and learned a ton and have become so much more happy and contented.

It isn’t just about having my depression managed, thought that is incredibly important in the grand scheme of things. But it’s also about so many other aspects of my mental health that are harder to pinpoint succintly. It’s self-esteem, -worth, and -confidence that I’ve never felt before. Explaining what this looks like is kind of hard.

It’s living alone. It’s not feeling lonely. It’s feeling 100% okay spending time by myself and actually appreciating and seeking out that time because I value it.

It’s accepting my chronic illness/disability as a part of me and my life, accepting what change it necessitates, and not feeling destroyed. It’s experiencing the high pain days without losing my motivation for life/living. It’s working to care for this body and get all the accommodations I need to be successful and well.

It’s making the decision to start T.

It’s taking road trips by myself.

It’s accepting good things when they come my way.

It’s not feeling crushed when something doesn’t go right. It’s not beating myself up when the reason it didn’t go right was a decision I made or an action I took. It’s forgiving myself for mistakes.

It’s losing friends, but genuinely feeling okay with that because I know it’s for the best. It’s not feeling guilty about something another person didn’t like just because they didn’t like it. It’s protecting and standing up for myself even when that means losing relationships I’ve worked really hard to maintain.

It’s accepting change and hardship in stride, adapting to whatever I have to without sinking beneath the weight of it.

It’s pushing myself to grow and be better, even -nah especially - when it’s hard. It’s challenging myself.

It’s knowing that I am totally capable (and remembering that sometimes what this looks like is asking for help or support) and will be okay whatever happens.

It’s all these things and so much more.

It feels good to look at who and where I was two years ago, and know who I am now. I am resilient and strong and brave. I’m able to live through the worst of it and have my core remain unshaken. I’m able to grow without changing who I am. I’m proud of myself and so happy to be where I am now.

There’s a lot more I want to say about this, but that will require some dedicated time and energy that I can’t give right now. Suffice it to say: I’m happy with who I’ve become and excited to continue growing.

[lilanlm-blog]

This month marks 10 whole years that I've lived in Albuquerque! .. When I took the plunge at 14 to move 800 miles across the country to a place I'd only ever spent two weeks visiting, there's no way I could've known that this magical land would become my home. About two years in, I was flying back from California and as Albuquerque came into view below the plane, I immediately felt calm and at ease. That was the moment I realized that this amazing (big small) town was my home. I adore it here. I'm so lucky to have found communities where I feel loved and supported. This is where I feel grounded. When I see the Sandias, I know that I'm home. .. It was really important to me to commemorate this anniversary with a tattoo. I've been planning on it for a long time. Biggest thank you to @simaijaditattoo for this tattoo. It's more beautiful than I could've imagined, absolutely perfect and lovely. . .. . .. . Description: a black and grey stipple/dot work tattoo of the Sandia Mountains on Lilan's inner bicep; only the tattoo and arm are visible, Lilan's skin is pink and somewhat swollen. . .. . .. . #tattoo #sandiamountains #ink #blackandgreytattoo #mountaintattoo #stippling #dotwork #dotworktattoo #albuquerquetattoo #newmexicotattoo #newmexicotrue #nonbinary #transgender #trans #transandinked #transandtatted #transandtattoed #queer #queerandinked #queerandtattooed #disabled #disabledandcute #disabledandinked #disabledandtattooed #cripplepunk

[lilanlm-blog]

Having feelings about my own nonbinary face. 💙💉 Its nice to look at picture of myself that has me looking how I feel myself to be... if that makes sense. I've had a hard time, especially lately, connecting the person I see in pictures of myself to how I feel within myself. So it's just nice to look at these and see me. . .. . .. . Description: four selfies of Lilan arranged asymmetrically so that there is a full-length photo of Lilan on the left with a small section of a photo above it and the opposite (full-length with a section below) on the right, the small sections are of the same photo, the full-length photos are different; Lilan is looking at the camera in all three photos and smiling in one; they are wearing a black shirt with buttons below the collar and a dark and light grey hoodie. . .. . .. . #selfie #bluehair #dyedhair #pierced #piercing #labret #nosering #doublenoserings #queer #queerAF #lgbt #lgbtq #genderqueer #nonbinary #nonbinaryselfie #trans #transisbeautiful #ftx #disabled #chronicallyill #disabledandcute #queerlife #translife #disabledlife #edslife

[lilanlm-blog]

New blue makes me feel so good. 💙 [image: Lilan, with newly-dyed-still-wet hair, looking at the camera smiling with their head tilted; they are topless and their bare shoulders are visible, their mantle is slightly visible behind them] #me #myface #bluehair #dyedhair #clean #fresh #new #newdye #freshdye #queer #nonbinary #trans #genderqueer #pierced #nofilter

[lilanlm-blog]

As of today, this kid brother of mine is SEVENTEEN years old! I honestly can't believe it, but here he is. And what an amazing young man he's becoming. I am so grateful to know this guy and to have gotten to give him these and other hugs to close to his birthday. 🎂 Happy birthday, bubba! I hope We see each other again sooner rather than later. 💜

[lilanlm-blog]

PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN! 🌿 My poor Kimberly Queen fern is just dying. It's been getting worse and worse since I bought it 3 months ago. The fronds, en mass, are shriveling up dry and brown and dead. On what look like healthy fronds, the bottom-most 3-4 inches and/or top-most ~2 inches of leaves are just falling off while still totally green. I keep the soil moist (generally around a 4 on the moisture guage) but not soaked, watering every 3-4 days, and never let it dry out completely. The one thing I have noticed with this is that the top couple of inches as well as the bottom few will dry out completely while the middle where most of the roots are stays around a 4 or 5. My apartment is never below 50% humidity and is generally above 60%. It's in a plastic pot that drains into a plastic dish. It's in healthy, quality soil from the nursery and I use super thrive when watering. I repotted the plant from a 6" to an 8" right after buying it, as was suggested by the nursery. My apartment is layed out so that there is a large north-facing window that is slightly shaded outside and has lattice in front of it so that the light from it is quite filtered. And then two west-facing windows, the southern of which is pretty shaded and the northern of which is quite sunny, with a fireplace and mantel in between. I had it on both mantle corners and now stop the green shelf. I could try it near the chair... Should I water less? More? Should I move it? I know direct sun is generally not good, but I'm also concerned the mantle doesn't provide enough sun. I moved other plants from the mantel to the same shelf that the fern is currently atop and those plants are doing significantly better. Should I repot it into terra cotta because terra cotta dries faster? I'm terrified repotting will kill it completely. Could the constant rotation of my ceiling fan be contributing? Should I just be more patient? HELP. Any and all suggestions appreciated. [image descriptions: for four spare images, the first three of Lilan's apartment at various angles to show possible locations for the fern, the last of a very sad fern] #plant #fern #indoorplants #help #sad

[lilanlm-blog]

PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN! 🌿 My poor Kimberly Queen fern is just dying. It's been getting worse and worse since I bought it 3 months ago. The fronds, en mass, are shriveling up dry and brown and dead. On what look like healthy fronds, the bottom-most 3-4 inches and/or top-most ~2 inches of leaves are just falling off while still totally green. I keep the soil moist (generally around a 4 on the moisture guage) but not soaked, watering every 3-4 days, and never let it dry out completely. The one thing I have noticed with this is that the top couple of inches as well as the bottom few will dry out completely while the middle where most of the roots are stays around a 4 or 5. My apartment is never below 50% humidity and is generally above 60%. It's in a plastic pot that drains into a plastic dish. It's in healthy, quality soil from the nursery and I use super thrive when watering. I repotted the plant from a 6" to an 8" right after buying it, as was suggested by the nursery. My apartment is layed out so that there is a large north-facing window that is slightly shaded outside and has lattice in front of it so that the light from it is quite filtered. And then two west-facing windows, the southern of which is pretty shaded and the northern of which is quite sunny, with a fireplace and mantel in between. Until last weekend, I had it on the mantel. I was concerned that it wasn't getting enough sun so I moved it to a shelf next to the north-facing window where it gets direct, unfiltered afternoon sun from the northern west-facing window. Should I water less? More? Should I move it back to the mantel? I know afternoon sun is generally not good. But I'm also concerned the mantle doesn't provide enough sun. I moved other plants from the mantel to the same shelf that the fern is currently atop and those plants are doing significantly better. Should I repot it into terra cotta because terra cotta dries faster? I'm terrified reporting it will kill it completely. Could the constant rotation of my ceiling-fan be contributing? Should I just be more patient? HELP. Any and all suggestions appreciated. [image description: a very sad fern] #plant #fern #indoorplants #help #sad

[lilanlm-blog]

Fresh face, warm heart. Feelin good today. Just finished acupuncture and now if to pay rent. Then some schoolwork, housework, honor society work, and more housework. [image description: Lilan is looking at the camera and smiling slightly, they aren't wearing any makeup and the picture filter makes them look pretty pale] #gpoy #me #myface #atthedoctors #doctorsofficesforlife #chronicillness #chronicallyill #complementarymedicine #acupuncture #ehlersdanlossyndrome #eds #gingham

[lilanlm-blog]

This lighting doesn't do me justice and the filter only kinda helps, but I'm feeling p good today and so so thankful for this break, the warm spring air, and clothes that just feel totally right . [image description: Lilan is looking at the camera relatively expressionless; the right edge of their face and top of their head above the forehead are not in frame, there is a light green wall behind them and the tiniest edge of a water fountain a little more back; they are wearing a red shirt with a blue knit v-neck vest over, the vest has a vertical stripe of four braided colors (tan, red, light blue, and white)] #me #gpoy #myface #atthedoctors #doctorsofficesforlife #evenmoredoctorsofficescauseofbreak #myhealth #mylife #chronicillness #chronicallyill #disability #disabled #ehlersdanlossyndrome #eds #dogpatchat45percent

[lilanlm-blog]

💊💊😅 Right about now is when I'm wishing I had a wheelchair. Don't feel good, and it isn't just my legs. Hopefully it's side effects from my medication change and will dissipate soon. [image description: photo of Lilan's legs from their point of view; they are wearing jeans and their blue sneakers, their legs are crossed; behind is Lilan's bed, covered by their bedspread which is white with various green and yellow illustrations of plants, Flops is curled up and looking at Lilan/towards the camera; even further back, part of Lilan's wooden dresser is visible in the left of the frame and Lilan's white media center with CDs, records, DVDs, and books is visible behind their shoes] #me #exhaustion #fatigue #mylegs #mobility #disability #disabled #chronicillness #chronicallyill #mybody #medication #meds #medchange #ugh

[lilanlm-blog]

I guess standing for a couple hours straight yesterday in order to clean was a bad call. My legs aren't really working properly atm. [image description: the right 3/4ths of Lilan's face, they are looking at the camera without an expression; behind them is a purple blanket with multicolored fringe, a bit of the black chair underneath can be seen; behind the chair are white blinds, open and covered by plastic film, it's dark outside] #me #gpoy #disabilty #disabled #chronicallyill #chronicillness #ehlersdanlossyndrome #eds #myface #mylegs #mobility #fatigue #exhaustion

[lilanlm-blog]

Feeling really grateful tonight. Also feeling pretty pretty. [image description: Lilan is looking at the camera with a very slight smile; they are wearing gold eyeshadow, turquoise-blue eyeliner, thick mascara, and natural-colored matte lipstick; behind them is a multi-colored tapestry and a small framed print] #me #gpoy #myface #makeup #femme #dyedhair #bluehair #queer #genderqueer #nonbinary #chronicallyill #chronicillness #disabilty #disabled #ehlersdanlossyndrome #eds #asluser

[lilanlm-blog]

My hair is doing something weird today. In the waiting room for my new neuro intake! Here's to hoping she's got her shit together and can help me. [image description: Lilan's face, they are looking at the camera with a slight smile and their eyebrows raised, the frame ends at their hairline so that the top of their head is not visible; they're wearing a teal sweater that is nearly the same color as their teal-blue hair; the wall behind them is plain and cream-colored] #doctorsofficesforlife #atthedoctors #me #gpoy #myface #mylife #myhealth #neuro #neurology #headaches #migraines #ulnarnervepain #chronicallyill #chronicillness #disabled #disabilty #eds #ehlersdanlossyndrome #valencia

[lilanlm-blog]

Yesterday, walking felt pretty good and even easy, and I questioned my feelings of wanting a wheelchair. Today, my legs are so unhappy. I didn't walk extra yesterday. It's just that the walking I did felt fine. I stood for like the last 4 hours today and good god. 💊 [image description: Lilan is looking at the camera without much expression, they have their head resting on their hand and are leaning to the side; they are wearing simple makeup, a light blue shirt w yellow lettering and a burgundy cardigan; behind them is the white ceiling of a school room, there are paper circles in various colors hanging by string from the ceiling tiles] #gpoy #me #myhealth #mybody #eds #ehlersdanlossyndrome #disabilty #disabled #chronicallyill #chronicillness #personal #clarendon