Here comes the good partâŚ
[in a put on, grandiose voice] My son Jake, whoâs 25, eats mayo. Heâs a Prrrrrractical Young Man who works in computers and *adores* macaroni salad! Heâs a Good Son.
[voice drops conspiratorially, but slowly devolves to stifled laughter] I ALSO have a *daughter*. She was a womenâs and gender studies major in college.
[at this point, absolutely looses it, speaking in between laughing] Naturally, she LOATHES mayonnaise?!?!
[laughs, struggles to speak] Yes, that most well known side-effect of feminism! If you take gender studies, *I warn you, children,* YOU WILL STOP ENJOYING MAYONNAISE!
[laughing so hard he canât talk] Itâs just so fUCKING FUNNY! [gasp] I canât - I canât DEAL with this!
[reading faster with a sense of awe] She was a womenâs and gender studies major in college NATURALLY [shrieking in laughter] SHE LOATHES MAYONNAISE!!! *NATURALLY!*
[painfully laughing, struggling to breathe, choking] Oh my god, help! [choking, laughter turns into coughing] I need to wipe my face.. oh god - this shouldnât be so funny! [coughs] I donât know why this is so funny!
[wheezes, resumes reading dramatically] And sheâs *not alone!* Ask the young people you know their opinion of may and youâll be SHOCKED by the DEPTHS -Hah! - DEPTHS OF THEIR EMOTION!
[laughs, continues reading, Â growing more and more strained] Oh, thereâs the occasional outlier, like Jake - My wonderful son whom I love unlike my TERRIBLE daughter who took *gender studies and hates mayonnaise!!!*But for the most part, todayâs youth would sooner get their news from an *actual newspaper* than ingest - hah! ha ha! - ingest mayonnaise!
[bursts out laughing] What thE FUCK DOES IT MEAN?! [wheezing, crying with laughter]