Anthony almost ground his teeth to stubs listening to Lisa talk. To listen to her talk like that was already painful enough, yet the continued death and devoid in his stomach hurt even more, as if it was yearning for Lisa’s return as much as his mind and heart. Frankly, his entire body hurt, letting his feelings shred it to bits. Was this what is was supposed to feel like when somebody’s best friend comes back? This couldn’t be normal, all of the pain and agony he had gone through in a short few seconds. He didn’t know how long he could last.
“I don’t think I’ll hate you, Lisa.” He couldn’t guarantee it, but he was as close as ever to doing so. Feelings clashed against his ribcage in the form of violent waves. A little bit of anger here, some remorse there, and an overwhelming amount of anxiety, concern, and a dash of excitement. It wasn’t like one of them was backing off and letting the other rise- no, they were all rising together, and it worried him. “I would think there’s a sense of freedom that comes with confessing.” Anthony mentally rolled his eyes at himself. “I sounded like an creepy, elderly Catholic priest trying to get you to confess your sins.” He said offhandedly. He seriously hoped he knew he was trying to take the conversation as seriously as he could.
When Lisa allowed him to come, he let out a breath he wasn’t aware of holding. Willing his legs to move, he followed her out. Her question killed him inside. It confirmed his thoughts- something was off. “The park.” He suddenly said out loud, pointing to the park across the street. It was huge, full of secluded areas to talk. Lisa always seemed to feel better outdoors, and he felt the same way. Out of desperation, to make sure she wouldn’t run away or do something unexpected, he lightly took her wrist, looking left and right, then crossing the street in what looked like a steady walking speed, but his heart was pounding. Finally, he found what he thought was a quiet place, a park bench that sat on top of a ginormous rock, overlooking some kids playing on a simple playground. Letting go, he crossed his legs underneath him, nodding at the empty spot next to him. Looking sincerely at her, he propped his head up on his hands. “Talk to me.” He simply said. Make up for the time we lost.
It was amazing how she laughed at first, hearing the joke she did know that Anthony meant well -- but with him having to clarify it made her ... sad. Did he think she didn’t know he was joking? Or was he just taking the whole conversation so seriously - as it should be - more than she wanted it to be? No, more than she ADMITTED that it was because she had caused damage. Lisa had accepted a long time ago that she had hurt Anthony, but she’d never seen the hurt on his face. Even now, he was composed but she knew him ( hopefully, she still did ), she knew underneath all that composure there was a boy l o n g i n g for the truth, longing for answer he very much deserved.
“Is it bad that your creepy, elderly Catholic priestly words made me feel a little better?”
Lisa took a deep breath then, forcing herself to speak when she exhaled.
To give him answers. To talk.
“After the war, I know we all had ... some sort of issue, you know? Battle scars, I suppose they say. But, there had been other things before then. I’d always eat a lot and then try to exercise to make up for it, you know I’m always running around, Rowena, I hike in dresses,” she hated how she sounded then but tried to push away the thought. It was enough that she was doing something she had only DREAMED of doing for years, truthfully it was something she had to practice for years as well. “I’m always doing something -- but a n y w a y s, after then, I just had no energy. I was, er, depressed, technically and everything just spiraled out of control. Everything was just so out of control, Anthony. I started making myself ... purge? I’m not sure if you know what that is but, I felt really ashamed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I pushed Terry away. I pushed Padma away, I tried pushing everyone away. I was horrible to all of you.”
“I didn’t spend the winter holidays at home, I was at Hogsmeade, drinking, Just doing things I never thought I’d be doing.” In fact everything that had happened had been a blur of casual encounters, drugs, and not so delicately chipping off parts of herself for no apparent reason. “I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I didn’t want to hurt you. When I got word I was accepted into the Unspeakable training, I had only realized it’d been FOUR months. Rowena, I’n just mumbling, but, then we were all off in our different lives and I had this thing gnawing at me that I was trying to ignore.” Throughout those years, she’d just tried to live in tandem with her disorder -- she’d accepted it as part of her, and in exchange for letting the monster sink a little deeper into her, she got some control. “Then, I almost got suspended from training. They told me I needed to get help. Treatment. Something.”
“I’m sorry. Those all just sound like excuses, but I’m sorry for doing what I did.” It weighed on her bones, the feeling of SORRY, it weighed her down with guilt. “I’m trying to show you how sorry I am, by talking to you about it. I pushed you away too in all of this, and you don’t have to forgive me, but just know that I’m sorry.”