Hello , everyone. I am going to put a large portion of what is practically an essay because I have nothing else to do right now, and the question is bothering us again. And, discussion is more than welcome. I would rather not ask my head mates again, and I am aware it is a lot, but I do not know where else to ask. So if you have any thoughts on the matter, it is very welcome.
Just in general, does anyone have a really strange relationship with how the body's appearance looks? I would call it low self-esteem, but I truly don't know if it can be considered that. Since none of us truly, really feel connected to how the body looks, it is very possible for us to look at the face from an objective point of view. So I think objectively we can all agree that the body looks fairly average.
But that's where it's weird. No one has ever commented on our face/appearance, whether calling us ugly (and meaning it, bullies will always call you ugly, they don't count), but no one's ever commented or told us we were beautiful either.
We know logically that if we asked for anyone for comments on how our appearance looks, it would likely be seen as fishing for compliments. And when you're fishing for on opinion for how your body looks, you will often either receive genuine critiques, or compliments that people don't necessarily mean. At least that's the only way we could possibly perceive or understand someone commenting on that, for us personally.
Is it low self esteem to not believe someone when they tell you that your appearance is good? Or is it simply being objective, knowing that the type of information you will receive from specifically asking for it is likely just placations in order to appease the question you're asking without actually offending you. Or is it both?
So... from a truly honest standpoint, the only way that you can understand someone's unadulterated opinion on your parents is if your paying attention to their subconscious cues.
And when we look at how they behave, we've had people single us out to mock us, As in someone walking up with their friends giggling a few feet away, "Hey _____ has a crush on you.", a scenario in which its either motivated by your appearance, or more likely, by your proximity to the edge of what is considered socially acceptable. Like if you are strange, and introverted, and quiet. )
And we've had people comment on our outfit, family members. Which, very tellingly, most have commented on how handsome and beautiful our mother and brothers are, and leaving us out of the statement, but have rarely commented on us or our appearance. Throughout most of our life, the most comments by family would always be a occasional pointed out to us on our non-existing dating life, which we backed up, because a lot of us are aroace, and never had any intentions on that.
We've never heard or had anyone flirt with us, out of interest or genuine like. Yes, the occasional incel. Men who were to the point of harassing other women, and strange in conversation. Men who would bring sex into the conversation more as an attempt to turn the friendly relationship into that vein. Men who, to our face, have told us that "if I decided to rape you, you wouldn't be able to escape." But, that's not a reliable place of objectivity- because nearly every woman has a story of a similar person in their lives, regardless of the appearance, because those men prey on vulnerability. The more vulnerable you are, the more likely they will try to use that to take advantage of you. And although we were perceived as a woman, we are now since a man, but the knowledge has not changed, nor its meaning or intention.
But anyone else? Most of our lives, we were standoffish, and no one wanted to try to pierce that bubble. Is that a point, in of itself, that we were just uncomfortable to approach, but not cool or beautiful looking that people would try anyways? Perhaps we made people just uncomfortable. But its impossible to tell someone's objective reasoning behind never trying at all.
Or do we just non remember anything? We have broad ranges of amnesia, but most of the memories we're missing are of our extended isolation. Not the memories we have of playing with other children, or growing up with a friend, off hand conversations we had with other people that we still look at and try to understand, why, just why were like that.
Maybe its objectively impossible to look at the memories of your past and understand the exact relevance to your problem, because you will always have a biased point of view. The body may not match how we look, but it is our body, nonetheless, and such, we do care for its appearance, and maintaining it, and how it (and thus, we) will be perceived.
In short, is it more that I am ugly, or that I am unable to believe otherwise, even if I try? And if want to find out otherwise, we will simply have to ask. But would we ever believe that someone would love us enough, and be kind enough, to tell us the whole truth.
If only we were brave enough to ask.
