logsofephemera

record of transience and fleeting moments

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‘Your mind is a garden and your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers, or you can grow weeds.’

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made my first doilies 🌸🎀

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binged enola holmes 1, 2, and 3. while i was busy fangirling over henry cavill, lance randomly pointed out that louis partridge is olivia rodrigo’s gemini to her pisces (cue the “drop dead” reference)

sobrang random. hahaha.

now we may be neck-deep into the rabbit hole of connecting the lyrics from you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love to the two of them 😭

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main chika here.

set as private ko na lang siguro later. pero sa ngayon, share ko muna dito. ang cute kasi ng family pictures namin 🥰

future back story: anak, ito naman nung 19 days old ka pa lang. nagbook kami ng daddy mo ng newborn shoot para may adorable pics ka habang maliit ka pa. 4.1kg ka na dito. sabi ng lola mo sana nag-AI na lang kami ng tatay mo. pero hindi anak. dedma tayo dyan. papakuha tayo ng ganitong pics lagi sa mga photographers. walang bilang yung mga ayaw magbayad ng studio session. at least walang sinumang mangungutya sayo na ‘mama mo, AI’ hahahaha.

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bubog ko talaga noon kada hinihingi bilang school project yung family pictures.

nung medyo bata-bata pa, nagagaslight ko pa sarili ko eh. pero habang tumatanda kaming magkakapatid at palayo nang palayo yung agwat ng present selves namin mula sa mga lumang larawan, ang sakit din talaga tignan eh no. may diin kung kailan kayo huling nakumpleto. may hapdi bunga nung kung sino yung laging wala sa litrato. minsang sumagi sa isip ko na hindi ba nahahabag yung mga guro makitang hindi pare-pareho ang bawat pamilya? unang tingin pa lang, kita agad yung broken family sa hindi eh. like, ano bang point ng proyekto na ganun?

at present time, may mga panahon na tinatamad ako magpicture. pwede naman kumuha sa ibang pagkakataon lalo kung paulit ulit lang naman yung tema ng buhay araw-araw. katagalan, nanghinayang din ako sa mga pagkakataong wala pala ako halos nakeep na pictures, salamat sa google memories sa pagremind. pero dahil dun, pinangako ko sa sarili ko na regardless kung anong estado ng emosyon ko sa maghapon, i should at least take a photo of something. it doesn’t have to be aesthetically pleasing. just anything to prove that i existed, alongside that day. in a way, yun na rin yung naging prompt ng gratitude journal ko. kaya siguro motivated din akong magsulat sa digital diary ko nang walang palya mula 2025.

pero nung dumating si lucas, kahit iisa lang halos yung anggulo ng mga kuha, okay na okay lang. kahit walang espesyal na okasyon, nilalabas na ulit namin yung digicam. soon, puno na naman ulit phone storage ko, pero kahit ganun, parang hindi pa rin ako makuntento. gusto ko ng proper photos ng pamilya namin. kaya ayun, nagpapicture kami.

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I’m not saying it’s wrong to take care of yourself but when I see posts praising old women for having good skin and no wrinkles because they never sunbathed or smiled or ate sugar it makes me sad. what’s the point? I think if you get to 80 and you have lots of wrinkles and you’re a bit fat it’s a sign of a life well lived

[ziekseks]

kaya ang daming behavior na hindi dapat na-no-normalize dahil sa mga enabler. pare-pareho kayo ng mindset. kaya umaabot sa, “hayaan na lang kasi ganyan na talaga yan” when it should’ve always been, “hindi dapat hinahayaan kasi hindi dapat ganyan.”

kaya pag may victims, “ano bang suot niya?” “bat kasi nag-post siya ng ganyang picture?” “bat pa kasi siya nagpa-picture?” instead of asking, “bat may mga taong gumagawa non?” the focus is always on the victim instead of the person who actually crossed the line.

when will people realize that we don't dress up or make ourselves look sexy for u to sexualize or disrespect us? the way we dress, the photos we post or the confidence we have in ourselves is not an invitation for harassment, objectification or exploitation. it is never consent!!

& y is the blame still always placed on women instead of holding the people who committed the wrongdoing accountable? bakit laging advice “mag-ingat ka” “wag kang mag-post” instead of teaching people not to harass, not to steal someone’s photos & not to sexualize people without their consent.

and fyi, u will never make me understand ur point. bcs there is nothing to understand when the argument itself is rooted in blaming the victim instead of addressing the person who did the harm. we can have different opinions, but i will never agree with a mindset that excuses disrespect, harassment or the sexualization of someone who never gave consent!

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sa dami ng prenatal tests na nirequest sakin ng OB ko, i find it comforting na overall, i am actually healthy. may ilang high normal or low values, but everything is pregnancy-induced. and malaki ang chance for them to go back to normal after giving birth. i had OGTT twice during 2nd and 3rd trimester, and normal pareho.

yung hypothyroidism lang talaga yung pinakatinutukan but thank god, 2x lang kami nag-adjust ng dosage during 1st trimester and after nun, regulated naman TSH ko until our latest consultation. sa postpartum na ulit next consultation namin ng endo ko.

i must say, nakaka-anxious palagi while waiting for the results to come out. dagdag pa yung every ultrasound appointment... dun ako pinakakinakabahan lagi. napapaisip ako kasi si mama noon, hindi naman ganun kasuki ng OB visits para sa aming apat na magkakapatid, pero ang swerte niya na healthy kami lumabas at lumaki.

personally, this isn’t something my husband and i can risk at this age. so ayorn. now that we’re both witnessing gaano kahirap sa akin tong 3rd trimester, we’re considering one and done. tbh, may ilang instances na rin kasi akong nag-breakdown sa mga dinaramdam kong symptoms.

pero secret na lang sa mga parentals kasi sila tong nag-iinsist na dapat sundan. ang samin lang, basta kuntento na kami ngayon 😁

EDIT: naopen na namin once sa parents ko. they suggested na sundan kahit isa pa para daw may kasama pagtanda or kakampi or something. but with my parents kasi, madali kong nasasabi what’s on my mind. i told them na ang hirap magbuntis. and in terms of gastusin in this economy, we’d rather go with what we’re sure we can handle. isa pa, we really wish to give undivided attention and resources to our child. tsaka hindi rin biro yung mom guilt, kay lilly pa lang eh 🥺💔 i think umaasa pa sila magbabago pa isip namin. i am just glad kasi hindi naman sila nagpupush ng gusto nila samin.

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anyway, nag-marathon kami ng SOLO LEVELING sa Netflix. nakakabitin... so ayun, nagsimula na ako magbasa ng webtoon. matatapos ko ba to hanggang bago ako manganak? abangannn.

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vivid dreams are back and they come more intense and a lot morbid and look more real this time around. i hate them so much because some were my greatest fears realized. it makes me detest sleeping alone so even if it’s uncomfortable, i am settling with the sofabed inside my husband’s workspace and can only sleep in our master’s bedroom when i’m with lance 🥺

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A PLACE TO GRIEVE

i think i am already experiencing braxton hicks contractions.

funnily, i only began packing our hospital bags yesterday. given my history of preterm labor and learning that most moms start labor at early term (37 weeks)... what a joke talaga. sometimes i wonder why, but i chose not to dig deeper into it, and continue taking my sweet little time (not recommended!!)

as soon as i hit the third trimester, i already felt the surge of nesting energy, but the problem is, even though i already ticked off the shopping list for baby stuff for some time now, i was still feeling some kind of aversion sorting through them and staging our birth bags.

“becoming a mom after loss doesn’t suddenly make you feel healed. sometimes it actually brings the grief closer because you finally understand everything you missed with the baby you lost”

yesterday, following my instincts, i finally picked up my labor prep checklist and started ironing baby clothes before storing them.

and that’s how it sunk in... i am not merely procrastinating. unang baru-baruan pa lang, napahagulgol na agad ako.

i should have gotten used to it by now. but surprise! now more than ever, i feel ultimately lost. while feeling ecstatic about our second baby’s arrival, i still yearn for the moments that were snatched away along with our first baby. nakakapanghinayang.

at 20 weeks, after i have been cleared of the myometrial contractions i had at 18 weeks (which put me to a week of complete bed rest), i thought i already learned to let go and just go with the flow. after getting past that mark—that painful reminder of how long i was able to hold on to my first—i am finally navigating the uncharted territory together with my second. and i thought i was being confident about simply letting it be.

little did i know, a small part of me somehow rebelled about the progress of this pregnancy, because... maybe my body recognized long before that i would definitely burst into tears. something i’ve been trying to avoid because i was afraid that would stress my baby out (with all these pregnancy hormones!? lol).

with just one baby item, i turned to my husband and told him, “ganito pala sana tayo kay gabriel.”

lights off. curtain down.

i finally said it.

LIVING THE LIFE WITH OUR RAINBOW

true enough, as the realization slowly sinks in that i am nearing the end of the beginning, i’ve wiped away hot tears again and again—a mixture of sadness and a generous amount of overwhelming joy.

overall, i have been sailing through the heights of serotonin brought about by the milestones of this second pregnancy.

being pregnant with our second baby sparks different layers of inspiration within us. we keep finding ourselves imagining summers, birthdays, and holidays. we are stoked by the idea of incorporating play into our homeschool and crafting journey, of experiencing a second chance at childhood as we walk side by side with our child through this stage of his life, of listening to refreshing ideas, entertaining thought-provoking questions, and learning new fun facts from a little boy three decades younger than us.

i will probably spend the rest of my life thinking about everything i missed with the baby i lost, but i also have a lifetime of savoring the moments and opportunities i get to be present, nurturing, and growing old with this little life we are blessed with.

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our comfort series these days is THE MIDDLE. feel good, big laughs, plus we’re taking notes given na in a few weeks or days, we’re meeting our baby. somehow relatable din for us because we were once nonchalant children and angsty teenagers too.

i recently stumbled upon the term INTERNALIZED LABELING. and there were several episodes in The Middle which demonstrate this process. something clicked and we found our brains altered kasi may tawag pala dun.

during our dating season, we’ve been reminding each other that words are powerful. that what we call each other becomes a manifestation of our identities. but while we are aware, there were several arguments that made that awareness fly out of the window. now that we’re getting more mature and more open about our tendency to become manipulative as far as calling out is concerned, we’re trying to be more sensitive again to each other’s feelings.

this year, we’re facing a major shift in our lives and lahat ng aspects, apektado. before we decided to try again, it took us 5-6 years... in those years, we were confident that we were doing the work of tending to our childhood & teenage wounds, facing our shadows, opening up about the differences between our upbringing, and forgiving and reparenting ourselves and the people who caused us pain and planted seeds of distrust. still, as it becomes more and more apparent that we’re gonna have to be more responsible to care for a new life real soon, injections of doubts come and go. each wave, nakakalula upuan kasi halos lahat, first time namin pinaprocess.

back to internalized labeling, may argument kami nitong linggo lang and nakakatawa kasi yung series na pinapanood namin yung nagsalba samin para hindi tuluyang mag-escalate.

given na i am almost on my last stretch for this pregnancy kaya hindi ko na naman maintindihan yung emotional outbursts ko, while yung asawa ko naman, stressed out kasi naiipit sa work politics tapos late na naman kami nainform na may hindi naasikaso yung HR niya about benefits (ito yung nilakad namin personally sa philhealth)... olats talaga. we’re both all over the place.

we called each other names... often excusable or something to be easily shrugged off, but we recognized that it’s not something we naturally say to each other because we know, we. are. not. that. caught in a heated argument, mas lalong nagkainisan kasi napunta dun sa part na we were defending ourselves kasi bakit nauwi sa personal attack yung misunderstanding? the essence of what we were arguing about was lost.

for a day, we decided to take a pause kasi imimeet namin yung family ko and ihahatid yung sister ko sa airport. and we both hate time outs during these instances. it was so fcking hard to just go with the flow and act normal in front of other people knowing that we hurt each other that morning. but we powered through... sure.

when we got home, we were talking, but somehow still distant. we slept that night not mentioning what happened earlier... but the following day, over one IG reel and an episode from the series, we’re finally both ready to talk, and we really did talk 🥹 we calmly backtracked saan galing yung remarks and why we acted out the way we did the day before at ang simple lang pala ng pinag-ugatan 😭 we cried and apologized and these days, we’re back to being conscious again sa pakikipag-usap sa isa’t isa when things go sideways.

and lord... please ito rin sana yung maituro namin sa anak namin. we are not that confident pala that we can do everything accordingly. for sure, mahuhurt and madidisappoint din namin siya in many points of his life... but may we never lose sight of what truly matters. may we continue to be humbled and be reminded that we still have a lot to learn and apply ourselves.

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pregnancy update: 37 weeks and ang lala ng pelvic pressure/pain from every move i make. simpleng pagbangon, pagtayo, paghakbang, paglipat ng puwesto... masakit o kaya uncomfortable.

i also noticed na pababa na rin talaga yung position ni baby sa tiyan ko. good thing naman na after galaw, wala na rin naman yung sakit.

kaso, paano at saan ko ididirect itong nesting energy ko??? ang dami ko pa gustong gawin 😅

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tonight, my father said sorry.

i thought we were just casually saying our goodbyes kasi magkikita pa naman kami on the day of his flight. i was caught off guard as i accepted his invitation for a hug, then he hugged me so tight—almost not wanting to let go—habang humihikbi siya. in my head, i think this is the first time i experienced this with him. or maybe at least as an adult.

he said sorry, thanked me, and told me he is proud of me.

pause muna lahat ng pinuproseso ko about his entire stay here in the ph. the night is long and i might spend it crying over this one interaction for a while.

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i was practicing african flower then gagawin ko sanang small table mat. kaso itong si lilly trip maging velcro baby today. edi next time na lang pala ako magcocrochet.

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a win from an impulsive buyer who’s learning to be a more intentional spender

galing na akong ikea two weeks ago. na-achieve ko yung goal ko na kung ano lang yung nasa listahan ko, yun lang din yung naiuwi ko. yay! ✨

PERO, ilang araw na nakalipas, may bagong listahan na ako ulit. hahahaha.

buti na lang pala hindi siya ganun ka-accessible sa amin. next ikea run na lang ulit. mga next year???? lols.

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nakakahiya yung mga lider ng taguig. disgusting.