Lost Again

I'm kinda just a teen trying to make it though life while being trans and dealing with chronic fatigue/pain and depression. Life is hard, yk? I'm also low key just a normal guy. I LOVE music and writing. Hit me up if you wanna talk. I can be kinda helpful to vent to (or so I hear) :)

[lost-again]

I'm Lost

People ask me my name and I don't have an answer. What do I tell them? Do I say, Hi! I'm E.G. I'm fourteen. I'm a regular kid.

Do I say Hey! I'm Einar. I'm trans. I'm suffering from mental illness.

Or do I say nothing at all? Do I leave and pretend that I don't exist? Do I go silent, and float through life like a balloon someone accidentally let go of?

I don't even know. You tell me.

All I know, is that when I think about what it means to live, like really LIVE, i get this empty feeling in my chest, and a fogginess in my head. Like… I'm lost.

So, if you were to ask me my name, I guess I might just tell you the truth.

Hi, I'm Lost.

[lost-again]

I'm terrified.

I'm depressed.

I'm tired.

I'm so fucking tired.

Really, I'm just lost.

[lost-again]

Thank God We're Dying!

Humans are slowly dying Every breath, every heartbeat Ticking on a broken clock Limited time left But my time may be cut short By the broken heart inside me By the scars that cover me By the pills that drown me Humans are slowly dying Thank God! If I were immortal… I don't know what I would do My only hope is death Humans are slowly dying And if we find a cure I'll become an anti vaxer Waiting for the clock to run out of ticks Waiting for the cure to pain, not the cure to death Because the cure for life is pain And the cure for pain is death Thank God we're dying

[lost-again]

Liqueur, liqueur, why not?

A first's a first and this don't seem like the worst.

Liqueur, liqueur, why not?

Worse than weed? I bet not.

Love this bottle, now it's mine

Liqueur, liqueur, will you kill me this time?

[lost-again]

Honey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Smoking weed behind seven-eleven.

Honey, did it hurt when you climbed out of hell?

Honey, you're broken, why won't you let me help?

[lost-again]

someday, there will be a girl.

and that girl won't cause me hurt.

and she will love me the way i love her.

and we will give each other the world.

But she is not that girl.

and today is not that day.

I am still alone without her world.

And i wonder if it really will change someday

[lost-again]

How does it feel

To fly?

I wonder.

How does it feel

To 

F

  A

        L

  L

?

How does it feel

To live?

I wonder.

How does it feel

To die?

Tick tick tick tick

Echoes in my head

I breathe in and out, trying to think,

But i end up panicking instead

Watching the pages of my story

Slowly tear and burn

Smiling, a glint my eyes

Covering up the hurt

Beep beep beep beep

Echoes in my head

My brian is stuck

On every thought,

Every noise

But my body goes on

As if

All is fine.

Tap tap tap tap

Echoes in my head.

Check it again,

Did you check it again?

Fine, I’ll check it for you

Maybe, I’ll check it twice, too

Ha ha ha ha

Echoes in my head

Whose voice is that?

It sounds like mine

But i am not happy

My soul wears no smile

So who could it be laughing?

I try to listen close

But i dont know how to.

Thump thump thump thump

Echoes in my head

Heartbeat loud

Heartbeat fast

Heartbeat slow

Will it last?

Why does it continue

When i just want to

Stop.

How does it feel

To laugh?

I wonder.

How does it feel

To cry?

How does it feel

To sing?

I wonder.

How does it feel

To whisper?

How does it feel?

I wonder.

How does it feel?

[lost-again]

I just want someone to agree with me.

Not say "it'll get better" not say "I'm sorry."

Just say "it sucks and I'll be here with you while it sucks."

[lost-again]

every scream, every curse,

I say I'm fine but I'm getting worse.

Every shout, every yell

Wish I had someone to tell.

Because home

is not home

when your family

is a foe

[lost-again]

This man is a saint,

god made me a sinner,

so I'll burn myself again

and skip another dinner

[paper-wounds]

[therapypie]

An imaginary world in your head. An escape.

[lost-again]

I feel broken and hurt.

Like no one gets it.

And I feel alone.

Do you get it?

[lost-again]

I feel like shit again.

I might just pop a bunch of pills and call it a day

[paper-wounds]

[lost-again]

I want to strip away and burn the parts of me that brought you joy

Kill the girl you say you loved and turn myself to into a boy

I hate the parts of me you touched, I hate the skin that covers me

Because you poisoned me, my skin, my heart

And I just wish that I was free

[lost-again]

I want to strip away and burn the parts of me that brought you joy

Kill the girl you say you loved and turn myself to into a boy

I hate the parts of me you touched, I hate the skin that covers me

Because you poisoned me, my skin, my heart

And I just wish that I was free