[thegirlwhocriedsass]

‪when the kaijus come just stick all the olympic figure skating pairs in jaegers ‬

[devildykewashere]

So I had a dream today I told the world’s worst joke. I woke up, wrote it down, and it is

1.) Coherent 2.) A complete joke 3.) Pretty bad

So I present to you, Atma’s Dream Joke

A woman is lost in a desert. She is growing bored and horny and screams out “As God as my witness, I will fuck the next object I see, regardless.” God drops down a printer cartridge. The woman asks “What the fuck, God?” and God replies “It really sets the tone for your situation, doesn’t it?”

[gallusrostromegalus]

This is  beautiful, thank you, I’m texting it to my mother.

[devildykewashere]

oh so this is the post i’m gonna be known for. could be a lot worse.

tell me what your mom thinks, please

[gallusrostromegalus]

Mom thinks your subconcious is a comedic genius and that you should listen to it more. 

[starked]

Black Panther + Onion headlines

[asofteravenger]

look at you.

[brainstatic]

An aspect of gun control that other countries practice that doesn’t come up in America a lot is ammunition control. In Japan, if you’re one of the privileged few allowed to own a gun (and only shotguns and rifles are legal), you have to return all your spent cartridges if you want to buy any more. In Israel, after you’ve purchased the one gun you’re allowed to own, you’re given a box of 50 bullets, and that’s it. You can’t buy any ammunition anywhere, that’s your lifetime supply, although a shooting range will provide you with more, but only for use at that range. Even in countries with more relaxed gun control laws, like Switzerland and Serbia, buying ammunition requires all the same paperwork as buying a gun (mental health records, criminal records, etc) and you can only buy ammo for the gun you own. Gun control advocates in the US should consider placing an emphasis on ammunition control in addition to everything else.

[mousathe14]

God that actually makes a lot of sense

[shipburner]

new favorite brand of humor:

mixing different kinds of scales, such as:

The Scoville-Schmidt scale, for measuring how many wasps you can eat

The Schmidt-Fujita scale, for measuring wasp storms

The Kinsey-Kardashev scale, for measuring how gay a civilization is

The Mohs-Scoville scale, for how measuring hard a pepper is

The Mohs-Kinsey scale, for measuring how glam you are

The Kardashev-Scoville scale, for measuring how civilized a pepper is

[teasugarsalt]

@lukeskywalkerschanelboots

[lukeskywalkerschanelboots]

...i love it

[gdfalksen]

Get them, Children. 

[pochowek]

[rooflizards]

buddy

[pipistrellus]

#you can check out any time you like but you can never leave

[mopeypome]

they forgot travis.

[donnamissal]

[kungphooey]

my headcanon here is that legolas is just BARELY visibly holding it together

since canon tells us that mirkwood elves like to party and are fully capable of passing out from drunk

so legolas is using EVERYTHING HE HAS to fuck with gimli and pretend he hasn’t a clue what it’s like to be affected by alcohol

while inside he’s all ‘sdkla;hgsj you can do this leggles you can do this’

‘don’t think about that time you blacked out from dorwinion wine while naked in the middle of an impromptu archery contest’

‘and all your friends drew orc penises on your face’

‘and when you woke up you were halfway to dale without a clue as to how you got there’

[genaleah]

‘And especially don’t think about that time you drank so much that the dwarves you were supposed to be watching escaped in the empty barrels of wine.’

‘Dad never let me hear the end of that one’

[omnicat]

Leggles

[sabenzero]

While all of the above is great, I’d like to offer that dwaven ‘ale’ probably isn’t made from barley.  they live underground.  what grows underground? Mushrooms.  I’m saying Dwarven Ale is halucinogenic.  I’m saying Legolas was tripping balls.

[ladydragon76]

all of this is perfect

[adhesivesandscrap]

HEADCANON. FUCKING. ACCEPTED.

[systlin]

Hello yes this is a good post. 

[ectotheology]

tumblypoos… have you guys heard of this comic called Homestuck??? it’s literal shitposting omg,, it’s basically thebootydiaries except it started in like 2009????? and its MS PAINT….. it’s total minimalist solid color porn to look at??? how do you guys,,,, not know about this it’s fucking precious?? there’s an evil gay baby Caliborn he’s a sinnamon roll????? WHY ARENT WE TALKING ABOUT THIS?????

[reducedlunch]

this video is so funny it transcends laughter i dont even feel like im alive after watching this

[peterpansflights-deactivated202]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vuroro]

If you’d like to read the best children’s series of all time, here’s the beginning.

[beachdeath]

the most #UselessLesbian thing i have ever done was when i was trying to figure out if this girl liked me or not, just constantly arguing with myself about it, and after a couple, uh, months, of this, i was like, “god i wish i could just like… go to court and lay out all this evidence and have a couple lawyers argue over the TRUE MEANING of her text messages, and then a judge tells me if she likes me or not.” and then the proverbial lightbulb went off over my proverbial head, and i dug into my mock trial folder from high school and found the trial guidelines and i wrote out an entire trial transcript featuring a plaintiff (me), my attorney (my wildest hopes and dreams), a defense attorney (my worst fears and insecurities), and a judge (my desperate attempt at rationality). the final product was several thousand words long. it clarified nothing. at any point in this process did it occur to me to ask her how she felt about me? absolutely not. did i ever stop and think, “hey, maybe i should tell her that i like her?” absolutely not. that’s for people who take risks and i don’t take risks i take myself to court in my own head.

[bolto-deactivated20211002]

why did the cake is a lie become the like most quoted portal thing when literally everything glados said was funnier 

[kurasumi]

“Look, we both said a lot of things that *you’re* going to regret.”

“Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it. WELL I WONT LET YOU. how does that feel?”

“Nice job breaking it, hero”

“Look at you. sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle…piloting a blimp”

Like this bitch had a goldmine of good lines

[starry-nightengale]

“Maybe after you finish this test, I’ll let you take the elevator all the way up to the break room… and I’ll tell you about the time I saw the deer again.”

“It’s a mystery I’ll have to solve later. By myself. Because you’ll be dead.”

[kurasumi]

“Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noise– * really loud ass train horn* “I’m sorry, I don’t know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact.“ 

“Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I’m serious, that’s what it says: A horrible person. We weren’t even testing for that.”

“Don’t let that ‘horrible person’ thing discourage you. It’s just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother’s decision to abandon you on a doorstep.”

[clareironbrook]

”Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I’m sorry. You didn’t react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That’s why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.“

“Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version- [unintelligible] There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I’ll be right back.”

“This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They’re the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That’s you in five seconds. Good luck.”

“That jumpsuit you’re wearing looks stupid. That’s not me talking, it’s right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks stupid. Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It’s a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!”

“Oh, hi. How are you holding up? Because I’m a POTATO.”

”Remember, these exhibits ARE interactive. Like a children’s museum. So that means the pits of acid are filled with REAL acid. Like at a WELL FUNDED children’s museum.“

[thelovelyblark-barg]

“Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber…. is looking pretty good.”

[luchagcaileag]

I’ve heard they actually had to rewrite a lot of her dialogue for the early part of Portal 2 to be more ridiculous and petty, as it was actually so on-point and vicious it was making playtesters not want to play the game.

[papasmoke]

In her essay Tik Tok the great philosopher Ke$ha declared that ‘the party don’t start till I walk in.’ which is clearly meant to convey that any recreational gathering is not truly a party until Ke$ha herself arrives.

But what if Ke$ha were to leave the party for some period of time only to then walk in again? This paradoxical scenario in which a party must simultaneously already exist and not exist yet is known as Ke$ha’s Quantum Party and has stumped theoretical physicists for decades.

[terpsikeraunos]

Ke$ha clearly states that “when I leave for the night I ain’t comin’ back” (Animal 2.4), and furthermore, that “Tonight, Imma fight/‘Til we see the sunlight” (2.13-14), implying that she will neither depart nor desist from celebration until the following solar recurrence; moreover, she asserts in the refrain that “…the party don’t stop, no” (2.16), sagely reassuring us that no spacetime-rending event will occur.

[meangirlnurse]

if you’re a Youth and you’re reading this i just wanna discourage you from like….imitating the culture on this site too completely and building your whole worldview through the lens you’re finding here. just. be cautious be careful be critical

[meangirlnurse]

almost every comment on this post is annoying and self-important and i regret making it