[behold, my updated fic! please forgive the shitty plot, I wrote this very quickly, but I hope it doesn't deter too much from the story. enjoy!!]
Remus stared passively at the countryside whooshing by through the thick glass. Sixth year already. He glanced to his right, a bar of half-eaten chocolate resting on the seat beside him. The others were in another compartment, talking to girls they had done potions with the year before. He fidgeted with the edges of his robes. Girls were the last thing on his mind. Remus felt uneasy, like he often did the first few days at Hogwarts. That's what it is, he assured himself, it's the nerves. It's nothing, don't stress yourself out about it. In a flurry of commotion, Peter and James ran in, bringing their chaos with them into the compartment.
"Moony, you would have howled," exclaimed James "We were all doing Bertie Botts beans and Peter got a vomit-flavoured one! He nearly threw up on this girl he was flirting with. It was hysterical."
Peter mimed throwing up into his briefcase and grinned at James. The briefcase was shiny and new, a gift from his parents for outstanding marks. They clearly didn't know he had forged the report card. Remus smiled slightly at James's joke. Howled. It was funny, and he knew James was trying to be lighthearted, but he couldn't shake the sinking uneasiness in the pit of his stomach.
Snap out of it. Remus looked over at the opposite seats, at James and Peter playing chess on a small travel board with magnetic pieces. He looked beside him, and saw an empty seat. Remus felt a twinge in his chest. That seat was never empty. He thought back to his first year at Hogwarts. The first time he had met the other marauders. It had been a day like this one: clear skies, slight breeze. He was a terrified, scrawny first year, and when he stumbled through the carriage looking for a place to sit, Sirius burst out of the compartment he was sharing with James and Peter. "We've got room for one more!" he had exclaimed, pushing the long dark hair from his eyes and grinning.
Focus, he told himself. He was a fifth year now, and hardly the gangly, mousy kid he had been four years prior. Sometimes he still felt like it, though. Like when he would have to duck his head to stuff himself through doorways, his shoulders always getting stuck, his head always hitting the doorframe. Girls would swoon at the sight of him. Remus felt awkward and useless around girls, like the kid he used to be. He much preferred his friends to the superficial cliques of girls he, for some reason, attracted.
Remus started to get impatient. Where is Sirius? They always sat together. They were the marauders. Get a grip. it's your first day back, thought Remus, Please. Try to be normal. But the burning uneasiness in his chest got the best of him. He gestured at the door.
"Have you guys seen Sirius?" he asked, trying desperately to stop the acrobatics his stomach appeared to be doing. His friends' laughter came to an uncomfortable pause. James and Peter shared a look, one Remus tried, and failed, to decipher. He wondered, absently, if he could fit through the window and jump onto the fucking train tracks. He might just die of embarassment. It was clear that James and Peter were cringing internally. You're such a fucking idiot. Sirius doesn't like you.
"Er, yeah. I think he was in one of the compartments a few back, with... some friends from last year." said James tentatively, hiking a thumb behind him. Remus couldn't figure out why he looked so uncomfortable.
"Yeah," cackled Peter "He was hanging out with that girl Louise, the Welsh one." Remus's stomach sank. That's where he is. That's where he chose to go instead of to the compartment the marauders have shared every year on the way to Hogwarts. He could feel tears burning in his eyes, but forced them away. It's fine. It's not like Sirius would ever like him, anyway. You're deluding yourself if you think Sirius could ever take interest in you. He forced a laugh, pretending to listen to what James was saying. But no matter how hard he tried not to, no matter how much he tried to concentrate on James, all he could think about was Sirius.
He, now, remembered the time in fourth year when he fell off his broom during a quidditch match. He had had to get pins put in his arm to reset the bone. Remus remembered the way Sirius had brought him chocolate, the way he nudged Remus over and sat with him in the infirmary bed, barely big enough for one person, let alone two. He remembered how Sirius had laid back on the pillows, talking about how he had exploded a potion in Snape's face. And how Remus had fallen asleep to the faint sound of Sirius's breath against his cheek. He had known, then.
Remus's heart ached. He loathed that he loved Sirius the way he did.
The return to the common rooms after dinner was always a chaotic thing the first day back. James, the Gryffindor prefect, was assigned the ever-chaotic task of guiding the first years to their dormitories. As customary for prefects, James paid just enough attention the first years as he bounded up the stairs with his friends. James had a tendency of walking rather briskly, so Moony and Wormtail had to jog to keep up. The first years were practically running.
At this point, having not yet seen or heard from Sirius, Remus was going mad. He had no more patience, and he raged to his friends as they headed toward the dormitories, first years in tow.
"I just don't get it. Why would he ditch us? Doesn't he have anything better to do than snog some stupid Welsh girl?" yelled Remus, his arms knocking books out of first years' arms as he flailed them around, jogging alongside Prongs. James glared at him, picking a potions book off the ground and putting it back on a dangerously teetering pile that obscured a first years' face from view. He kept walking.
"You need to calm down. He ditched us, and that was— careful on the stairs— his decision. A shit, inconsiderate one, I may add, but I just don't understand why you're— keep up guys, the common room is right around the corner— so upset, Re." James struggled to corrall the children to the common room. "He's his own person. Besides, why do you care who he snogs?" Peter shot James a look, as if to say, you idiot, can't you see?
James had always been infuriatingly oblivious.
Gryffindor tower was always quiet at night, and Remus often took advantage of this. It was the first night of the year at Hogwarts. All the students were exhausted, gone to bed hours ago. Remus found solace in the common room in the early hours of the morning, before everyone awoke. James had used his prefect badge to get them a room just the four of them, one bed removed because of an unfortunate hex. James and Peter had finally found Sirius at one, chatting up a pretty blonde, Louise, in the Hufflepuff common room. They had dragged him back to Gryffindor a few hours ago, flushed pink and smelling of liquor. Remus had pointedly ignored his arrival, choosing instead to watch the fire.
He was embarrassed and angry at himself. How could I have let myself think he would ever like me? It's clear he doesn't, Remus ruminated. Usually he would only stay in the common room until one or two in the morning before returning to bed, but he couldn't bring himself to return to his room. Couldn't bring himself to face his friends. Especially not Sirius. With the exhaustion and the lingering emotion from the day's events, he didn't trust himself to be around Sirius tonight. Remus pulled his thick wool sweater tighter around him, trying to remedy the feelings of betrayal and emptiness. He couldn't believe he had been so foolish.
Remus awoke with a start, curled on a large red sofa by the fire. He looked groggily at his watch, displayed the time in bright blue font. 3:18. It was nowhere near time to start his day. What could possibly have woken him this early? The soft padding of socked feet on the stairs alerted him to another presence in the room. Who could possibly be awake? He looked up, and his heart damn near stopped beating. Sirius.
Sirius walked sleepily over to the armchair where Remus sat and squeezed himself in the empty space, nestling into Remus's arms. Moony's heart beat so fast he thought it might burst out of his chest. Sirius was half-asleep and still slightly buzzed, which made him much more amicable than he normally was. He wriggled under the blanket someone had thrown over Remus until his head was curled into the space below Remus's chin. He sighed contentedly.
"What you doing up, Re?" Sirius mumbled.
"Couldn't sleep." replied Remus. It wasn't completely a lie. What was Sirius doing? He never hung out with Remus one-on-one. And why do you think that would be, wise-ass? Remus thought. Maybe it's the not-so-secret crush you've had on him since second year. Could that perhaps be what deterred him? Sirius moved closer, nuzzling into Remus's chest.
"What are you doing up, Pads? It's pretty early." Remus murmured the question. He felt Sirius take a sharp breath, then sigh quietly.
"I... couldn't sleep. Thinking too much." Sirius's voice was heavy with sleep still unattained. Remus ached at Sirius's body pressed against his. He couldn't bear it.
"What are you thinking about that's kept you up this late?" Remus laughed softly, trying to break the slight heaviness that had settled over them. But Sirius tensed.
"I was— god, you wouldn't understand." Sirius muttered, his voice taking on an edge Remus was unfamiliar with. This was not the Sirius he knew.
"Yeah? Try me." Remus prodded at Sirius, trying to scrape away at the ice he used to protect himself. Sirius rolled over and sat up across from Remus on the couch. Remus, sleepy and not with all his wits about him, let himself stare. Sirius's eyes glinted in the warm light of the fire, his hair mussed and tangled. He still looked as beautiful as ever. Remus's eyes slowly surveyed him, catching at his collarbones peeking out from the too-big worn sweater he wore to sleep. A voice, more familiar to Remus without the icy edge, whipped him out of his musings.
"I just— I really like that girl. Louise. I do," Sirius seemed unnaturally vulnerable. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself. "She's perfect, and I really do like her. But I can't help but think about someone else. Someone I don't want to think about. Someone I shouldn't be thinking about." Remus didn't understand Padfoot's cryptic messaging.
"Who can't you stop thinking about? Wormtail?" Remus laughed, but regretted his joke when he saw Sirius's lips purse.
"Nah. Not Wormtail." Sirius laughed drily.
"Well then who, Pads? I don't understand why you're being so cagey about some random girl." Remus said. He was done putting up with Sirius's cryptic coded messages.
"It's not a girl, okay? It's not a fucking girl, Moony!" Sirius snapped. "It's— fuck— you are unbelievably thick, you know, Remus."
"What are you even talking ab—" Remus began, before being interrupted by Sirius's lips against his. He felt all of it at once. Sirius moving to straddle his lap, hands around his waist. Remus's hand on his nape and his lips everywhere else. He kissed Sirius hungrily, years of yearning fueling him. Remus pushed Sirius against the sofa and kissed him, kissed him like it was the only thing keeping him alive, felt Sirius's hips against his, his lips form a smile against his own, Sirius's hands in his hair. Remus kissed his neck, his collarbone, every inch of his face.
When they separated, Remus looked at him, no longer keeping himself from staring. Sirius's face was flushed, the tips of his ears an unsightly crimson. Remus kissed him once more and laughed softly as Sirius slid under the blanket with him. He wrapped an arm around Sirius and squeezed him tight against his chest, breathing in his sweet aroma. Remus closed his eyes and rubbed small circles into Sirius's back until they both drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning. They slept there, tucked into each other, keeping each other safe from the world. And although both all elbows and knees and sharp edges, they found softness in each other's love.
The next morning, Remus woke to the sun shining into the common room. He rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the light. The fire in the hearth was reduced to white embers. Blearily, he sat up, remembering the night's events. He looked down at Sirius, still asleep, curled around where he had been sleeping. Sirius snored softly, asleep and oblivious to the world around him. Remus smiled gently, curling back around Sirius and tugging the blanket around them. What a way to start the year.
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