morosis

whiskey in a teacup

[maxblackandshits]

sometimes i just sit and wonder-

how much of me is me and how much of me is damage?

[maxblackandshits]

You know, I have read this somewhere that, you know, about the whole, we accept the love we think we deserve. Basically, what I've read is, we accept the people who, you know, make us feel a certain way about ourselves that we already feel. So since I already felt very unworthy, undeserving, unlovable, so I accept the people who make me feel that way, who reinforce that feeling. If I loved myself truly, completely, I would not accept that. I would not accept someone who literally calls me when he is with all of his friends and asks me if he has a bigger dick than his friend. I would not accept that. I would, maybe I would not accept them telling me that their friends want to fuck me and their friends goon to me. Maybe I would not accept someone who, I don't know, pushes and pulls me around, who gives me a warning that he's going to block me or he's gonna remove me from everywhere or he's gonna stop talking to me the moment the smallest of things happen. Maybe I wouldn't accept someone who is always inconsistent towards me. Maybe I wouldn't accept someone who just treats me like crap. But I accept it all because I think I deserve it all. I think I deserve to be treated like that. I think I deserve to be degraded like that in front of people. You know? Maybe I wouldn't accept someone who lets their friends slut shame me in front of him. Maybe I wouldn't accept him if I had any respect for myself.

[maxblackandshits]

i might’ve ruined us, but oh god how bad you ruined me.

[maxblackandshits]

I miss him again today. I miss him every day. But today is just one of those days when I miss him a little too much. Talking to him, going on walks with him. I remember one time he was mad at me about something I did and... And I went to his hostel to tell him that I'm sorry. And, you know, I went to his hostel and I called him. I told him that, come out, I'm waiting for you. And then when he came outside, I hugged him. And I told him that I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could do that again, but... I obviously cannot. I just want to hear his voice. I want to hug him. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to tell him that I had to let go of him, that is... I had to save him from me. I am a storm. He is calm. I couldn't have ruined him. I don't want the blood of someone on my hands. Because I used to be calm, I used to be happy and... I was ruined by my parents. I don't want to do that to someone else. So I had to let him go. And I had to hurt him very deeply so that he would finally realize his worth and let me go. But, you know, a part of me wishes that sometimes when I try to push people away... they would actually stay. He is my ex-best friend. But he loved me in a way I couldn't. I know the pain of being ruined by someone. And I couldn't do that to someone else. But sometimes I wish he stayed. But then again I left him no choice but to leave me. But to just walk away. So he did what he had to do. And I did what I had to do. I became the villain in his story. I became the villain in mine too. But at least he will be okay. Staying away from me.

[maxblackandshits]

It hurts a lot that he does not notice this, that he does not see me, he does not observe me the way I do, but that's selfish, you know? That is selfish of me to expect anything from him, because love comes with no conditions. You love because you just do. It will always hurt, it will always sting, for he couldn't see our almost. He couldn't see that we were not just friends. We were never just friends. That's alright. I can't be selfish. I have to let it be, let him be. It just hurts.

[maxblackandshits]

i see your flaws- your mess, your brokenness, your chaos, your hurt, your eyes- and that's why i stay.

Because in your chaos, i see something i understand.

Something i might hold.

Something that deserves to be held, even if i never get to hold it.

[maxblackandshits]

excerpts from stuff i did write (part 2)-

the final act of love wasn't letting you go. it is letting you be.

[maxblackandshits]

excerpts from stuff i did write (part 1)-

I've always been the one pushing you toward other girls, because it was easier than admitting i wanted you to stay still. Just this once, stay with me.

[maxblackandshits]

my three time theory?

we met once, when i chose football over fitting in. You were just another face in the background of a girl who only talked to guys, not knowing that you'll be staying longer than any of them ever did.

the second time, we meet again. In the same ground we met years ago. Only this time, you're the photographer and i'm pretending to report news while flirting through fragments and texting between heartbreaks. Boundaries were crossed when they shouldn't have.

now- the second time is stretched too long. I like it that way though. 3.5 years of 'maybe he sees it too' and crashing at midnight because i can't tell if it's love or if i just understand your sadness like it's a language i was born speaking.

i've always been the one pushing you toward other girls, because it was easier than admitting i wanted you to stay still. Just this once, stay with me.

you talked about her- the ghost of your situationship and i get why you couldn't just let it go. I am the same way about my pain. I wanna heal but it's just too damn comfortable and familiar the way it already is. I don't hate her. I don't envy her. But God- you deserve someone who sees you. Not as a fixer upper. Not as a half healed version. But as the mess, the chaos, the sketchbook, the smoke, the soft, the pain. Someone who looks beyond those distractions you use. Someone who sees you for you. Someone who doesn't love you despite your flaws but maybe even more because of those flaws. Because they make you real. They make you human. Someone who looks at those eyes and sees the sadness you swear isn't there.

you said once you're just happy she's happy. I didn't get it then, because why would you let it be the way it is. Why would you let yourself see her with someone else happier than she ever was with you and just be happy about that? But i get it now, i feel the same way for you. For the first time in my life, i don't feel a rush, i don't feel the adrenaline. I just feel peace knowing you're at peace. I'm just happy you're happy.

I don't want to fix you, i don't want to customise you into someone just so you could love me. Because that would not be love- just ego in a costume.

So if i love you- and i think i do- it's not because of the way you act like everything is good. It's because i see a little bit of me in you. I see the pain, the sadness, the 3 am, the way you joke about it even if it's killing you.

If i love you- and i think i do- it's not the kind you confess. It's the kind that just lets it be. The kind that wants to watch you grow. The kind that loves you even if you never love me back.

The final act of love wasn't letting you go, it is letting you be.

But you can't really kill all hope.. maybe one day, we'll meet for the third time, maybe you'll see it too, maybe fate will finally let us be.. maybe it'll end with us. And god i hope, with all i have in myself, i hope it's us.

[maxblackandshits]

There is a light that never goes out.

-The Smiths

when are you gonna realise that YOU are the light? it has been YOU AND ONLY YOU all along. YOU are the end of your tunnel. YOU ARE THE LIGHT.

[maxblackandshits]

i just want to feel loved without feeling like i have to have a breakdown in order to deserve love

[maxblackandshits]

yesterday i was talking to my best friend and i came to a realization that finding comfort in your sadness is not a good sign apparently. i thought that is how everyone functions because that's how i have always functioned. i find peace in my sadness. i find comfort in my sadness. i don't know how to explain it. i know it's comforting but it's comforting in a negative way and i know that but i thought everyone felt that way. i thought everyone finds sadness comforting. maybe there's something wrong with me because i like sadness and when i'm all alone i'm sad. i'm always sad. i don't know why and maybe that's why i like to be around people all the time because i know i'll get sad once i'm alone. i do feel happy but only when i'm with someone else. i don't know anymore if that is genuine happiness or if it's just distraction from the void that i feel in my whole self all the time. i mean i'm not sad when i watch something or when i'm busy but when I'm truly alone with nothing to do, i feel sad. and i'm scared that this is how i'll be my entire life.

[maxblackandshits]

you know what's really funny, i am a selfish person but at the same time i have never done anything good for myself. i'm selfish but at the same time i think about others way too much and i haven't done anything that's truly good for me. it's like i know i am selfish because i sometimes do not think about the consequences of my actions and how my actions are going to affect others. but i still want to please everyone and maybe that is because i don't know how to please myself. so i'm selfish but it's funny cause what have i ever done that's truly for myself alone?

[maxblackandshits]

there is a difference between loving someone because of the efforts they make and loving someone simply because they exist.

[maxblackandshits]

i am more than my trauma. i am more than everything bad that has ever happened to me. i am more than my bad decisions. i am more than my mistakes. i am more than my parents' mistakes. i am not my father. i am not my mother. i am more than i let myself believe.

but am i still worthy of being loved?

[maxblackandshits]

you never really know how damaged you are until you get treated right by someone and it becomes the hardest thing to accept.

[maxblackandshits]

I am terrified of happiness. It scares the s*** out of me because what if one day it gets taken away from me and all that I am left with is empty memories of you and me being happy together.