Toca da Halfling

having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness

[wuntrum]

pioneering something called "gritted teeth optimism" where everything is gonna turn out okay even if i have to bite and claw and gnash my way through it

[thecraftybear]

Everything's gonna be fine and it's not negotiable.

[montanajade98]

But what about vampire history teachers. Vampires who read something from a text book then proceed to light the book on fire and throw it out the window because “No. that’s not even close to what really happened. Listen up nerds I’m about to teach you what really happened in France during the revolution”

[sapphosigns]

I need this as a series

[gefdreamsofthesea]

Vampires sharing the recipe for Greek fire.

Vampires speaking in dead languages.

Vampires being able to translate untranslatable scripts.

Vampires who react to straightwashing historical figures like “Are you kidding me everyone knew that man was queer!”

Vampires from cultures who were once antagonistic towards each other stubbornly maintaining a friendship that’s lasted longer than their civilizations.

Vampires who honour forgotten deities you won’t find in mythology books.

[radio-freedunmovin-deactivated2]

Also, vampires who secretly saved stuff from the Library of Alexandra.

[freyadragonlord]

A vampire show that does not revolve all around sex and eternal cursed love.

[northcentralpositronics-blog]

nerd vampire whose knowledge of current events is terrible but they can always remember everything that’s considered “history” so they have a super-detailed knowledge of everything up to about thirty years ago and then ?????

vampire who couldn’t tell you what caravaggio was known for but duelled with him at least three times and slept with him at least ten. “cara-who OH YOU MEAN MICHAEL yeah he was cool”

vampire who spent 100 years in a convent and is still so bitter that in all that time they never made her mother superior “GODDAMMIT I HAD SENIORITY! I HAD SENIORITY!” “okay so first off janet, that was six hundred years ago, but more importantly, maybe if you didn’t always start those complaints off with blasphemy…”

vampire professor who just sort of showed up at oxford when it was founded and is still there (and nobody’s noticed because he still never actually shows up to his lectures)

vampire politician who lifts all their campaign speeches wholesale from speeches given 200 years ago and just waits for someone to catch them out (nobody ever does they’re prime minister and their approval ratings are through the roof)

[northcentralpositronics-blog]

WAIT I HAVE MORE

queer vampire who constantly talks about the fashion for straightness and you need to be really careful because if you tell them straight is default they WILL scream at you for five days straight about what a modern concept heterosexuality is

vampire hoarder who has an entire town where they just kept having to buy new houses to keep their stuff in and some of it’s probably worth tens of millions by now but you’ll never find it in among the 1950s kitschy kitten sculptures and boxes of newspaper (the newspaper is a wonderful mix of yesterday’s guardian and daily courants from 1725)

vampire sailor from manderville’s time who just has so many stories and some of them might even be true

vampire bluestocking girl who took to the internet like a fish to water and spends her whole unlife engaging reddit antifeminists about women’s rights because that’s one fight she’s determined to see through. also with the advent of cheap dyes she literally wears blue socks every day and hopes one day someone gets the joke

vampire doctor who just gets SO CONFUSED about the literature because do you know how hard it is to keep up with medicine kevin? when i got my doctorate we thought leeches were good and then they were bad and now they’re good again? i was published in issue one of the lancet kevin that is 387 lancets kevin how the hell am i meant to remember which one’s current kevin why are they saying cannabis is good for pain like this is news??? (but also lives in a state of wonderment every day in hospital because wow look at all this stuff we can do now look at it kevin!)

entire coven of vampires constantly quibbling over manners because they’re all from different periods: “HATS OFF AT TABLE” “SCREW YOU LEONARD ONLY PEASANTS EAT BAREHEADED” “TABITHA THAT HASN’T BEEN GOOD MANNERS SINCE THE 1500S NOBODY HAS LICE ANY MORE” “IT ISN’T ABOUT LICE LEONARD IT’S ABOUT GOOD MANNERS YOU NEED TO HAVE GOOD MANNERS WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE OVER FOR DINNER” “I SWEAR TO GOD TABITHA IF YOU MAKE THAT PUN ONE MORE TIME I WILL SHOVE YOUR STUPID HAT DOWN YOUR THROAT”

[bumbleandbumble]

vampire musicians who might not have been child prodigies but goddammit 500 years of practicing an instrument is bound to get you somewhere (also knowing the composer and being the first person to start playing a song doesn’t hurt either)

[moonsofavalon]

my favorite will always be vampires who know fuck-all about the standard major historical events because they were always somewhere else whenever big shit was going down:

“yeah i heard about the hundred years war but i was in northern african at the time so…”

“the roman empire fell??? how did the fucking roman empire fall??? i spend a fucking handful of decades in india and i come back to this???”

“russia needs to stop having revolutions, i can’t keep them all straight…”

“when did france become a democracy?? and america’s now it’s own country??? i’ve spent the last century in a forest in wallachia scaring small children so––wHat dO yOU meAn we’re calling it romania now??? when the fuck did it become romania???”

“WE HAD A WORLD WAR??? WE HAD TWO WORLD WARS???? well obviously ‘world’ is an exaggeration because i heard nothing about it while i was lost in the amazon rainforest for the last fifty years…”

“listen i spent most of the fourteenth century as a pirate in the south china sea so someone’s gonna had to clue me in on all this ‘black plague’ nonsense.”

[augustarambles]

Drunk history but the guests are vampires

[radioproxy]

!

[quotemadness]

Artists use lies to tell the truth. Yes, I created a lie. But because you believed it, you found something true about yourself.

Alan Moore (via quotemadness)

[catchymemes]

Harder Better Faster Stronger by Korean elementary kids

[obvioususername]

I’m drunk and this fucked me up

[arrghigiveup]

https://twitter.com/paintedrecs/status/1639610323580899328

[outofcontextbonappetit]

[lestateur]

[tastefullyoffensive]

[bye9000-deactivated20170123]

& it’s technically not a holiday but everyone’s on vacation and you can’t get anything done

[freekicks]

happy liminal spacemas

[anniethecat]

I wanna be the weird lady who lives in a small house and grows lavender and wears sundresses with straw hats and always has a book to recommend

[cl-hilbert]

A Tasting Menu of Female Representation:

The Bechdel:

two or more women talking to each other about something other than a man

The Mako Mori:

at least one female character with her own narrative arc that is not about supporting a man’s story

The Sexy Lamp:

a female character that cannot be removed from the plot and replaced with a sexy lamp without destroying the story.

Chef’s Specials:

The Anti-Freeze:

no woman assaulted, injured or killed to further the story of another character.

The “Strength is Relative”:

complex women defined by solid characterization rather than a handful of underdeveloped masculine-coded stereotypes.

[priscellie]

[thisisrabbit]

Furiosa test.

[fuckyeahfeminist]

^^

[madlori]

“Ghostbusters” blows all of these tests completely out of the water.

And generates at least one that I think ought to be added:

The Pizza Night Test

Women are shown eating non-salad food and no comment is made about anyone getting fat or breaking their diet.

[rehfan]

I love everyone in this bar.

[crypticavengers]

3 beauties

[pemberlaey]

sir that’s my emotional support unmarried gentleman with 10,000 a year

[triassictriserratops]

Bingley whenever he brings Darcy to a party.

[theglowpt2-deactivated20200101]

but honestly the scene in love actually where emma thompson goes to open the christmas gift that she thinks is going to be the necklace she found and she’s totally expecting it to be the necklace but then she opens it and it’s a joni mitchell cd and in that moment she realizes that her husband is having an affair but she’s sitting around the tree with her family on christmas eve so she has to quickly hide her disappointment and shock and sadness and her husband is still sitting there grinning like an idiot thinking he got her a good gift even though her world is falling apart in that second and then she excuses herself for a moment and goes to their bedroom and cries to herself for just a few minutes as the gravity of it all hits her and she knows her marriage is over and that her life will never be the same and then she quickly forces herself to regain her composure and takes a deep breath and goes back downstairs and puts on a happy face for her kids like nothing happened. UGH. 

[dirtylittledamsel]

cops on Queer Eye:

are openly tr*mp supporters with a MAGA hat that they let the fab 5 find

their idea of a prank is pulling over a gay black man for no reason and scaring him into thinking he’s about to be brutalized by the police or even killed with his friends clearly expressing their concern for him to even get out of the car when the cop asked

when Karamo tries to tell them that it wasn’t funny to try that kind of joke in the current political climate the cop tries to switch it to a “but not all cops are bad cops and we get discriminated against too” conversation 

firefighters on Queer Eye:

try to raise money with a community fundraiser to properly train other firefighters 

let the fab 5 hose them down in wet t-shirt contest

let Jonathan give them a little spa day with foot soaking and face masks

take dance classes for said fundraiser and even willingly learn a couple Magic Mike dance moves

their idea of a prank is to startle Tan with an exploding pen

the hot white one let’s Karamo crush all over him and call him Superman the whole time without any hesitation

[gaysemiotics]

Remember there’s a reason no one ever says “Fuck the firefighters!”

[nitramaraho]

I mean they do it’s just usually prefaced with “Can I please”

[docorwho]

M E R R Y  C H R I S T M A S 

[azriona]

It’s not Christmas unless this giftset has appeared on your dash at least five times.

[syrenpan]

It’s back 💕

[lizawithazed]

it’s not christmas without wilf on your dash 

[fishmalazahn]

[likeawildthing]

i know a lot of people interpret the pram in the hallway of james and lily’s cottage as tragic, but i also think it says a lot about them as people. likely, the logistics mean that it was never (or rarely) used. yes, they could have used it in the house when harry was upset, but magic (swaying a bassinet, for example) would’ve more been effective in calming him. it was already a cramped hallway. instead of shoving it in a spare room, hidden away, they kept it front and center as a visceral, daily reminder that however unlikely, it could happen someday. they kept it right by the door, just in case someday was tomorrow. the idea that the pram could be used was hope for them, rather than a bitter reminder.

i’m sure they had moments of frustration, but even in the thick of being in hiding, lily’s letter was optimistic. even when james was frustrated, he tried not to show it. he gave dumbledore his cloak to borrow, even though he knew it meant no more excursions. when the war was at its worst, when their friends were dying, when they were shut up in a house without escape, they held a little birthday tea for their son. lily wrote an optimistic, laced with humor thank-you letter to her best friend. they invited their neighbor over for biscuits and tea. lily’s letter dripped with gratitude for the things they do have.

they cling to hope. they keep a pram by the front door.