[midnight-swim]

I think next year all the money and effort i spent on other people im just going to spend on myself instead.

[midnight-swim]

Its never been about gifts. Or extravagant measures.

Its always about wanting to be seen. Heard. Understood.

The lack of a favourite chocolate in a stocking says "i didn't remember".

Gifting money for an appliance I bought myself this past summer robs the thoughtfulness that goes with picking out something that says "this reminded me of you".

There's something about being forgotten on Christmas that stings a little extra compared to the other years. Especially when the last few months have been spent saving, spending, ordering, and wrapping something straight from the heart.

I spent last Christmas by myself. And this Christmas with my parents. And both have felt equally alone.

I don't know which is best. Or worse.

[midnight-swim]

Is it really Christmas if you haven't cried yet lmao

[mentallyunstablebaddie]

Friends this, friends that, other people this, other people that, power of friendship this, friends are important that, humans are social this, you need friends that.

I do not "make friends", I do not let people "get close", I do not "socialize". I isolate myself, and if someone manages to get close to me, I RUIN IT by malevolence because I know the person was planning to abandon me anyway!

[gabapentinblues]

i think the only life that's possible for me likely ends in suicide

[midnight-swim]

Being remembered hurts but so does being forgotten

[midnight-swim]

So I finally have a surgery date for the new year.

A friend of mine a couple years ago had the same surgery, and what some people met with judgement, I was so happy for her. Because I could only imagine how ecstatic she felt with the good news.

So I planned a party and a gift. I bought her favourite champagne. I made sure she had her favourite healing snacks. I told her in front of our friends how happy we (most of us) were for her. I snapped at a friend's boyfriend who tried to over shadow her about an old sports injury he once needed surgery for. She always said she'd repay me in kindness when it was my turn. My friends nodded. I brushed it off.

Two years later, its my turn, and no one is here. And its at the point that feels pathetic if I ask for it. Ask for my own party, ask for people to care or be happy for me? Ask for my favourite snacks? Ask to be a priority...

Because people are uncomfortable around those with chronic illness and the depression that tags along with it. They have to admit that someone, other than them, has it worse. And let's be honest - people don't like others with mental illness. If you can't fix it with a bubble bath or some chocolate, its too hard to support.

And they don't have to. No one in this life owes me support. No one has to cheer for me. This has been the biggest life lesson for me when I've celebrated so many around me while burning inside. No one will repay me for keeping them warm while I set myself on fire.

[midnight-swim]

I don't think I'll ever know how it feels to be truly loved by anyone. Romantic or not.

I can count on fingers and toes the hoops I've jumped through to make those close to me feel loved throughout the good and bad times in their lives. And I'll never know what it feels like to be on the receiving end.

Invites are asked with the hope I can't make it. Hugs are given that last milliseconds. Compliments paid that lack any sense of truth.

I wasn't meant for this life. It was a wrong choice that I was picked to join this world. I took someone else's spot and I feel guilty for it.

I am the burden.

[maybeshehasbpd]

it gets worse before it gets way worse

[winter-0]

A life spent thinking about death.

[nightmregrl]

I will never not be suicidal. The thought of it has always & will always be in the background even if I’m doing well

[midnight-swim]

Feeling pre exhausted for the plans I made months ago for this upcoming weekend. I just say yes and cancel later. It's better that way.

[borderlyx]

If I spend too much time alone with myself without distractions, I start overthinking and get suicidal

[midnight-swim]

Me pondering kms on nye to wonder if people would really care then.

[midnight-swim]

I grew up knowing that I had to swallow my tongue in order to fit into my family.

If I disagreed, I was ignored

If i was sad, i was punished

If I had any contradicting thought or feeling, I was reprimanded

[nettles-bpd]

when did i become a problem instead a person

[echoesofsaturn]

"slut era" i say as i rot and decay in my bedroom and watch the years pass me by as i miss out on core experiences other people my age are having while i think about the past

[echoesofsaturn]

"slut era" i say as i rot and decay in my bedroom and watch the years pass me by as i miss out on core experiences other people my age are having while i think about the past