welcome to chaos

hello you,have a nice day, evening, night,I'm Amelia /enby pan mess/writing ,drawing ,sewing /being positive but being numb is a mood/I like books ,plushies,badass animals and you!

[missdreamingstar]

I.have .12 .FOLLOWERS

OMG! I'M SO HAPPY!!! THAT'S LIKE,SO MANY PEOPLE!!

OMG I NEED TO BAKE PANCAKES AND MAKE ICE CREAM!!!

HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYONE I LOVE YOU ALL AND YOU ARE AWESOME IN EVERY WAY

[missdreamingstar]

AHHHH 13 NOW OMG TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM

[missdreamingstar]

OMG OMG OMG 14 @aspookyhallow TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE CAKE FLAVOR IMMA MAKE IT TO CELEBRATE

[missdreamingstar]

OH HELL

20 PEOPLE ACTUALLY CAME HERE?

OH NO

SINCE YOU GUYS SEEM TO LIKE PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD I CAN 

UM

GIVE YOU GHOST CAKE

thanks everyone i’m sorry i left you with my emo poems i hope you all are having a nice day

[missdreamingstar]

good evening everyone

just came back, i’m sorry for my long absence. 2020 took me to a teaparty with death which ,as much as it was intersting, was hard to leave.

i hope you all had a wonderfull break from the thing i see in the mirror everyday.

nevertheless, while i was drinking delicious tea made out of my own ashes(i think) i accomplished some really nice things like: 

started working at my school’s library

organised and cleaned my (depression) room

wrote anonymous letters to the unknown,hid them in my school (two have been found,one is still hidden, and i got 7 more to place in the nearby future)

collected rocks

connected with a weird thing (they’re the one who have been giving me some rocks,i believe)

world-builded a story with fantasy lesbians 

knitted.(at this point i knit so much i’m starting to think i’m kniting myself a child)

took care of my abandoned garden

didn’t die

found an awesome new cookie recipe

got a lama

ect.

having said that, i have no clue what i’m supposed to do here anymore but i guess it’ll come back like riding a bike so i’ll leave you with this table of contents while i go read keysmashes of people i have never met 

[missdreamingstar]

I don't fucking care how much you threaten me.

Nothing will ever scare me more than texting my italian friend I'm eating pasta and him saying"bon appetit!".

Nothing can be compared to the shame that is on my shoulders knowing I'm eating nearly raw pasta,that's still in warm water,with the seasoning in it,out of a water bottle that's cut in half,and that I STILL DARED TO SAY I WAS EATING GOD'S CREATION IN FRONT OF GOD HIMSELF

[missdreamingstar]

Did i mention i was eating it with a measurement spoon thingy

[missdreamingstar]

I don't fucking care how much you threaten me.

Nothing will ever scare me more than texting my italian friend I'm eating pasta and him saying"bon appetit!".

Nothing can be compared to the shame that is on my shoulders knowing I'm eating nearly raw pasta,that's still in warm water,with the seasoning in it,out of a water bottle that's cut in half,and that I STILL DARED TO SAY I WAS EATING GOD'S CREATION IN FRONT OF GOD HIMSELF

[duckbunny]

THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING TO GET YOUR MEDS BEFORE THE PHARMACIES CLOSE

they are going to be CLOSED OVER THE HOLIDAYS and so will the DOCTORS WHO SIGN YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS.

if you don't have enough meds to last the next THREE WEEKS, put in for your repeats and refills tomorrow! that's Wednesday! do it! don't go to hospital at New Year because you ran out of stuff!

[duckbunny]

it's that time of year again! get your meds!

[salembranwen-deactivated2021073]

Ordered mine yesterday, get the meds folk

[missdreamingstar]

Wait.you.the literal places that provide you HEALTHCARE CLOSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS???

LIKE THEY JUST

"yeah,what can happen in three weeks?during a pandemic?in cold and with humans who are danger just when they alive?nothing!*takes out list for Santa on which they write death*"

[missdreamingstar]

I think,i am Unable to love truly.i can love,i can cherish,but i can't love truly, although in the depths of my mind I scream it's human,my case can't be rested.

Because,unlike you,who loved so much and so big, only loathing the small,Tiny, Almost invisible things

It we're those that made me live,those that made me discover what you told me was love.

Yet,i learned that even if you love the small,tiny,almost invisible spark of light ,you can't love the storm.disasters may be beautiful,but they can't love.they never were anything more,than the destruction you turned into a distraction.

But dear dearest, i hope that one day,i will forget.i will not know,i will not remember anything you told me.i will not know anything.maybe then,i will love you.i will love it.because when you don't know,what can stop you?

Darling,what can hurt me if I don't know?let me cherish the moment, where i lay softly in my ignorance.the moment before the small,tiny,almost invisible light,strikes me.

- "hi, you're beautiful"

[missdreamingstar]

OOFF ...that was emo....and more cliché than fucking disney...why is my brain on dammit..

[missdreamingstar]

I think,i am Unable to love truly.i can love,i can cherish,but i can't love truly, although in the depths of my mind I scream it's human,my case can't be rested.

Because,unlike you,who loved so much and so big, only loathing the small,Tiny, Almost invisible things

It we're those that made me live,those that made me discover what you told me was love.

Yet,i learned that even if you love the small,tiny,almost invisible spark of light ,you can't love the storm.disasters may be beautiful,but they can't love.they never were anything more,than the destruction you turned into a distraction.

But dear dearest, i hope that one day,i will forget.i will not know,i will not remember anything you told me.i will not know anything.maybe then,i will love you.i will love it.because when you don't know,what can stop you?

Darling,what can hurt me if I don't know?let me cherish the moment, where i lay softly in my ignorance.the moment before the small,tiny,almost invisible light,strikes me.

- "hi, you're beautiful"

[missdreamingstar]

You know what fullfils me?

The fact that no one will ever know

I don't know if it's the terrifying or undeniable power of it

But darling

I never felt more alive

[missdreamingstar]

Me ,writing to myself at midnight:i see this world,this world that exist.i tell myself that if I see it,i must be part of it.i must exist.but sometimes it feels like it only exists,when i do.which one of us,is true?which one of us can i believe?it will exist without me,but how will I know?how will it exist if I'm not here to exist in it? If i didn't exist,would it ever even have the chance to exist?how would I know it would exist without me,if i never even knew it exist?what would it be, without me?what would I be, without it?

Me, writing to my friends at midnight:AHHH GUYS I CAN'T GO TO FUCKING BED"why ?" I DONT' FUCKING KNOW-*shares trauma*-WAIT FUCK HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! "*Friends feels bad*"OH NO HONEY WHAT'S HAPPENING?WANT A HUG?UWU ILY AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL!!IMMA-*doesn't move for 2hours*-ugh,i hate life ,and I'll let all the fucking God's know it tonight because they are keeping me awa-*gets distracted by a cute cat picture-

[missdreamingstar]

Hi everyone!how are you all doing?

This is just a reminder that beauty doesn't exist!just like rules !or names!

Do humans exist ? Do trees ?does the ground?yeah

But beauty doesn't. it's something we created,as creators of this.just like we created stuff like life and death. Death happens sure,but what the fuck is death?what the fuck is life? We put names on things to make them exist. We put names on things to understand,to explain,to be.but in the end ,there was nothing,and we still named it

Have a nice night everyone!you're all so beautiful tonight !

[missdreamingstar]

Am i the only one that follows people who post about fandoms I'm not in?like

It's so fucking interesting.i don't know who the fuck is daniel or why the fuck he would look good with the god of death but I'm fucking hyped

[missdreamingstar]

Remember that "different answers to getting stabbed by a sword"

WELL MAY I PRESENT TO YOU

Different answers to getting strangled!(in a non-kinky way)(really they wanna kill you)

"um dude,i thought we were fucking""yeah but it's the enemies to lover trope my dude"

"thanks,i was too lazy to kill myself anyways"

"you're not gonna kill me with those noodle arms"

"*cries uncontrollably*"

"*laughs hysterically*"

"WHAT DID I TEACH YOU??THE HAND IN THE FRONT !NOT ON THE SIDE! AND PRESS WITH YOUR FINGERS AND YOUR ARMS IDIOT-"

"*kisses hand*"

"it's the fifth time today,i already told you,I'm immortal dammit"

AND MORE IF YOU GUYS WANT SOME

[missdreamingstar]

29 people liked this.i

Are you guys ok?

Also

Which ones of your comfort character/oc/fictional character was one of these?I'm interested

[missdreamingstar]

I am terrified,and at the same time fearless.i'm afraid of everything,but anything could happen and i wouldn't care.i'm scared of loud noises,of anger, but if someone hit me i wouldn't stop them.not in the way I would take pleasure in it,but in the way fear would not cross my mind.nothing would. It scares me,these extremes.but at the same time,it's so normal.

[missdreamingstar]

Am I the only one that hates sad songs?

I'm not saying I never listen to sad music but I'm talking about those stereotypical kind of sad songs.

Like the ones with no beat,just piano or some shit and that say things like "you brokeeee my hearttttttt and I feeellllll soooo baddddd"and like with a lot of pretty words but nothing very deep and it's or extremely and unnecessarily poetic or very general in it's lyrics

I mean,I understand that some people find them comforting and all,I don't say they're necessarily bad,I just really,REALLY don't like them

When I'm sad,I too,listen to music with sad lyrics,but man,the instrumental and the beat are just refreshing.i don't really know of this makes sense but it makes sense to me so yeah

Like, I love songs that have horrible lyrics,like they're sad,they're revealing of something deep or just something I relate a lot too but that's not always portrayed in media. But like the music is so full of life , it makes me feel alive too. The furry of the instruments and the voice of the singer just pierce through my soul.

I could never relate to sad cliché songs.i don't want something calm and relaxing,I want something that represents the fire in my pain and the beating of my heart that's bleeding. And by that I don't mean especially metal or rock ,but just, something that's alive. Broken,destroyed ,in pain and on fire,but alive.

[missdreamingstar]

Ugh,why do I have to be so fucking edgy all the time.

Sit the fuck down,2012 casey jones

[missdreamingstar]

So today I had a dream and I cannot tell you how scared I am

And I don't mean that the dream was scary ,no

Something happened in that dream that I still don't understand

So here's my problem:I had a chat through messenger on my phone in my dream

And you're gonna be like :"ohhh so you texted in real life?"no"then what's the problem?that seems like a pretty normal thing"

Well because when you dream if you read something it changes when you look away ,and your hand look deformed or aren't there

So me texting then looking away and it still seeing the same , and seeing my hands ,it literally impossible

And the worst part is I usually use these informations to realize I'm dreaming and to lucid dream

So like,did my dreams just evolve??did I train my brain into changing its ways to make me unable to realize I'm dreaming?

And I think I know the way I trained myself unconsciously

I'm so scared because now I only have a few things left to tell me I'm dreaming and if my list keeps getting shorter,what will tell me I'm in reality?

[missdreamingstar]

Update:

I had a few dreams since then ,and I realized looking at my hands is absolutely worthless now ,I can see my hands clearly and my arms also

I also realized that my worst fears,that would usually wake me up,like spiders,don't work anymore,and fear isn't working to wake me up

But,I have also realized that shaking my head repeatedly,makes me aware I'm dreaming,and I'm lucid,but I also can't control my dreams anymore and lucid dream ,which is a problem.

Tonight I had a dream where I knew I was dreaming,but I didn't have any control.i decided that I would just continue the dream while making my own decisions,which is the only way I can control things rn

Yesterday I had a dream where my brain made me have a dream,and then wake up in a another dream,which made me believe I was in reality but after a moment I realized it was a dream and woke up

[missdreamingstar]

Update:

I dreamed that I died?????

On a more serious note, lately my dreams have been very weird.they're more structured and more believable,they take place in places I go everyday. I had a dream yesterday where I woke up in the room I am rn,and started doing something (can't remember what)and the people that live here saw me and I felt very embarrassed. Next thing I know I wake up,the decor is exactly the same and I can't ,I literally C A N ' T remember if that actually happened or not.like when I woke it just felt like I had slept a little more and woke up again,it didn't feel like a dream. For half an hour I was thinking "did that really happen?" And I kept repeating it in my head.i finally found something that proved to me that it was a dream : plushies.there where plushies in that dream that weren't there in reality. That's it,that's the only detail I could find. It's honestly freaking me out. Like my brain is SO close to making me believe in my dreams that it's almost frightening.

And also,today I dreamed that I died,which was very particular. The first part of the dream I was put in a sort of machine which I could tell was going very high .and then I just felt it fall.and fall,and fall.it was horrifying.i could literally feel the ground coming closer and the impact that would soon kill me.and then BOOM the impact. I then felt my soul like, getting out of my body?I knew I was dead .and then begun the second part of the dream where I was dead and needed to do a challenge to be able to talk to other dead and all that.

This dream is weird for two reasons: one , because if you have too much adrenaline in a dream you wake up, or if you have a big shock,(for me,the impact)and second,you can't die in a dream.if you die in a dream you instantly wake up. and it's not the first time I die in a dream actually. I'm so confused.

Why do my dreams keep upgrading like that?I always used the basic rules from dreams to wake up and all,and now they just,don't work for me?that's so not cool brain. I'm also becoming,very,very scared.because these are just dreams,but what will happen if I have a nightmare and I can't wake up?I don't wanna think about it.

[missdreamingstar]

Update :

TW:SH (not really but just in case)

Remember when I talked about nightmares

LOL

So,for the past few days ,I have been having two types of dreams. The ones I remember,and the ones I don't. In the ones I remember,they're still the same as I explained before, except now I will have adrenaline ALL the time. I will run,jump,hurt myself, sometimes be very close to dying even until I wake up. And I don't even wake up because of the Adrenaline ,I just wake up because of the noise of real life or things like that. But honestly ,even if they have been very tiring,that's not the problem.

The ones I don't remember are

So you know,before ,I never really cared if I forgot my dreams.i mean,it's natural and I don't have a good memory.even if lately it was kinda weird because it was like I would fall asleep,and wake instantly as if I hadn't dreamed at all(which is ,to my knowing, impossible,you always dream) but I always told myself I just didn't remember and that it was normal .so a few days ago,I wake up,and it was one of those days where I didn't remember my dreams,and as always,I don't care, and begin my routine:I go shower. And in the bathroom ,there's a mirror. So you know ,I get undressed and I look into the mirror. Normal.but then,I look at my back. And I see scratches . At least 30 of them. All over my back. they were placed as if I did them myself .what I mean by that is that they were in places I could touch with my hands .

So you ,I see that ,and at first,I'm not really startled, because it was not the first time this has happened. It doesn't happen a lot ,but it does,and I always told myself "it's fine,my back must have been itchy while I was sleeping or something" .so you know ,I think nothing of it.later ,I was thinking about this post ,and what I could add to it as an update.so I start reviewing my nights for the past weeks. Obviously,at a moment,I think about the nights where I don't remember my dreams,and start reviewing my day to know if at a moment I could have remembered it.so ,I begin my routine in my head:shower, undressing,mirror.and,that's when it hit me. I had scratches that day. Then ,I try reviewing another day where I don't remember my dream,same thing. Shower , undressing, mirror, scratches. I try to remember every day where I had scratches and the dream I had that day. All the times I had scratches,I didn't dream. Never,not even once.

And these scratches,they remind me of the ones I do while I hug myself when i'm in fear. I can't even...paper towel. one question has been in my head since I realized that:

What do I dream about to make myself these scratches?

Even,what makes me so scared,I don't even remember?what makes me so scared I move in my sleep enough to make myself SCRATCHES? What in the name of a window is terrifying enough to make my brain,that's usually a bitch to me,forget?

Now,I really am afraid

[missdreamingstar]

update:

So,it's been a while, hasn't it?

Well,don't be sad folks because I come with news!

Good?bad?HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(help me I'm going insane)

So *ahem*

After I posted the post about,for at least 2weeks,i didn't remember any of my dreams.i always remembered I dreamed tho.so like,i couldn't analyze it because I didn't remember,but I wasn't scared Because I knew I had dreamed.and i also didn't have any scratches,which made me calm down.

BUT BUT BUT

a week ago,I had an extreme crisis where I let all my emotions out,and for a few days,i was always in that emotional state and not in my rational(stable) state.because of that,i cared way less about dreaming and all that,and strangely,i began to dream again.

First it was just normal dreams,that were related to my emotions and all.but yesterday I clearly remember doing something very strange.

I looked at myself in the mirror.i don't know how that was possible,but I did it. And all that dream I felt like I was just living a regular day,before waking up.so that,kinda scared me

BUT THERE'S WORSE

today,i didn't dream.at all.i don't even remember dreaming.

So I know what you're gonna ask:"do you have scratches?"

Worse than that.(TW:SELF HARM(KINDA))

I have bruises on my neck,like i strangled myself.

I told my doctor about it,and she said it was probably because I slept bad,but I don't dare to tell her that whenever I put my hand where I should put it to strangle myself and press,that s where it hurts

Like I'm not kidding.this is going bad again.i'm actually writing this post in hope that it will stop it,like it did last time.

I know this is stupid but I'm really scared something bad is happening

[missdreamingstar]

Update:

WELL WELL WELL

GUESS WHO HAS PROOF???????

I FUCKING KNEW IT

okay *ahem*sorry,I'm just really excited that this is going somewhere.

So ,everyone,i have news.

Lately my dreams haven't changed a lot since last time.my dreams are very realistic,which makes it hard for me to understand the difference between them and reality,and i don't know if it's something I started or just stopped for awhile but I...think?in my dreams?like I'll just be in my dreams ,thinking like a normal day.i'll be in my dreams asking myself what I'm gonna eat and why that person suddenly is talking to me again.it's weird because like,everytime I notice something weird while thinking,my dream always finds a perfect explanation?like reality follows a certain logic and my dreams have their own.it's pretty annoying Because it makes having a lucid dream impossible.

BUT ANYWAYS THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS EXCITED ABOUT

*hum hum* here,let me start my story.

So a few nights ago,i woke up to go to school,and i realized I didn't dream.at least,i didn't remember at all. I was in a rush ,so I didn't verify that i had scratches,i honestly didn't care. I just went on with my day,like always.even though, throughout the day my body hurted a lot,and i felt like I had bumped and hurted myself which made no sense because I didn't do anything the days before.but again,i just thought I was tired.

At the end of my day,i come back at my place and talkto my roommate,which i didn't see all day,and i ask her how her night went.she tells me she didn't sleep well,woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep after that. i say "oh that sucks" and then joking I say "heh,i didn't do anything weird while I slept right?" And she ,on the most neutral voice just tells me "actually,you did"and i just sit there like "whattttt"and ask her to explain

"well,it was weird"she said"usually i never hear or see you even MOVE when I wake up but tonight was différent.you kept moving, changing sides every now and then ,you were breathing very heavily,and i could hear you make noises"

I sit there, completely in shock and i just ,ask for more details yk,what am I supposed to do?

"well,I'm not an expert,but it felt you were running away from something.i never saw you so energetic at night ,and also,i never saw you looking so scared .but anyways-"

As she keeps on the conversation,i literally zone out man.

That's it.

That's

MY PROOF

I never was sure I was moving at night ,i never was sure that when I didn't dream,i had scratches or nightmares,it could all have just been a coincidence.BUT THIS PROUVES THAT WHEN I DON'T REMEMBER DREAMING ,I ACTUALLY DO DREAM!

AND THAT THOSE DREAMS AREN'T COOL

IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE RIGHT AHHHHHHHH

I'm sorry,this isn't very professional but oh my moon am i relieved that I'm not just going mad

Something IS happening.

Now,i just need to know

What

[missdreamingstar]

"people never loved me"i sighed,talking to the moon

"but so many people love you-" i hear a voice say

"then why did no one ever know about this?why does no one know how I talk to her every night.why does no one know why I love that book and why I love the night.why does none of them even know I love the night?

Because they never loved me,darling.neither me,neither you,who is asking me this question.i think that's the reason no one ever stays.because they can't love something that is nothing. They can't love the unknown. Humans don't do that. They're hungry ,and i am water.i will fulfill the want but never will fullfil the actual need,that you find in food.

"that's not true,people love you for who you are,they wouldn't have loved you if-"

"tell me darling,how many people know I'm talking to you in this moment?"

"n-none...."

"that's right,no one knows.but you see,this is who i am.so tell me,do they love this?"

"in this moment no but they could-"

"no,they could not. this is not what they have fallen in love with my dear,and no one will ever hear about tonight.no one, except her.but again,that's between us-"i laugh softly,walking back towards my door"- have a pleasant night moon,i love you."

As I arrive to my door,i feel the warmth in me growing.in the end,people never loved me but,i never asked for it.i never asked the people to love me.

She knows who i am and loves it.

And i never asked for more than her love.so now,human,let's go bed,won't we?we need sleep,we always do. I know you will never love me,as you are human,and i am,what i am.but together we have to survive, alright dear? For them.

For the humans.

[missdreamingstar]

Lately when I've been feeling numb I've started to use the "fuck this" method and just listen to whatever my brain tells me to feel things

My brain:hey it's raining like in hell outside?let's go outside

Me:why the hell not

My brain:hey there's this really emotional anime ?

Me:let's watch it all over again

My brain:hey let's write love letters and send them to random addresses to create a lost love letter legend and be the weirdest person ever?

Me:*stars writing on an old writing machine*say no more

My brain: let's watch all the twilights movies while eating ice cream with more toppings than ever ?

Me:okay sure *gets out my bakugo BODYPILLOW to watch with me*

Honestly everyone, stop giving a damn. You may feel nothing while does these things ,but they will make great memories. And nostalgia will make them beautiful. I'm gonna die at 21 anyway so who cares what I make out of my time on earth

Also twilight doesn't make any sense at all

[missdreamingstar]

Update on this post:

I'm not numb anymore,which is cool

But now I am in a "fuck everything and everyone and i hope they're gonna fuck their selves alone because I sure won't"