Momma Valentinee

𝑊𝑎𝑡𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑛𝑟𝑖𝑠𝑒 & 𝑠𝑒𝑡. Mother. Wife. Life blog.

[mommavalentinee]

Wednesday April 29th 2020 @ 4:53am

GOOD MORNING, and can I just be the first to say that things aren’t going as planned already! No seriously, sleep is staying far away from me and over crowded thoughts are officially here to stay. The only thing great about not sleeping is you get to plan your whole day down to the last second, granted you don’t fall asleep before the day starts.

Regardless, today I’m staying up. I’ve done it before I’ll do it again. I’m seriously desperate to find some silver lining in this whole mess of insomnia and darkness so because of it, I’ve come up with some content to help me stay awake and stay moving. I don’t know when it will come out, but please look out for that.

I’ve been telling myself I’m going to start YouTube and actually give it a real life shot but I haven’t gotten the nerve to do it yet so, here’s to hoping I stay on task.

By the way, if this whole thing is hard to read, has no punctuation, or over all doesn’t have a decent thought pattern, it’s only because I haven’t slept. I’ve been trying more to get out content on here that’s more understandable but it’s so hard sometimes. Between the moods, the depression, and the lack of mental structure I’ve got going on over here it’s easy to get really caught up in the mess of my life. So I sincerely apologize.

Today is my month-anniversary, I’ve been in my current relationship for 1 year and 11 months. It’s been actually crazy. Thank god for strength and determination. I think I can give most of the credit to the fact that we both are quite forgiving. Some more than others but you get the idea.

Here’s to hoping today is a great day, am I right ?

[mommavalentinee]

Wednesday April 29th 2020 & 6:57am & the serious desire to fall asleep

Today was decided to be the first day of our schedule. Everyone has been sleeping weird except James of course who sleeps like a actual baby. Aralee has been staying up until 1am and I haven’t been sleeping at all almost. So today is the first day.

I didn’t think it was that big of a deal that Aralee stayed up a little later and woke up a little later but it really is. With me trying to get my routine back on track, it’s important to get her back on track as well.

She’s actually pretty reluctant given the situation. She’s fussy and mad and really just wanting to go back to sleep which has me and James starting to bicker.

Everyone is tired and just not holding up well

[mommavalentinee]

FEEL FREE TO SUBCRIBE TO MY CHANNEL ON YOUTUBE @Elle Valentine!! I’ll be posting a GET READY, GET TO KNOW ME, & A HAIR REVEAL where I talk all about Trichotillomania and it’s impact on my life and many others who are just like me!!!

[mommavalentinee]

Sunday April 26 2020 @7:28pm & I’m just going with it

I’m not gonna lie this life has gotten the best of me.

I guess I’ve been holding in a lot and because of it, James has been taking on all the work. Taking care of Aralee has become a full time job since she learned the art of 𝒞𝓊𝓇𝒾ℴ𝓈𝒾𝓉𝓎 she’s been grabbing at everything and wanting to explore the world around her. Which I was so excited for. I wanted to photograph her growing and grabbing and learning but my energy has completely gone out the window.

That’s not my daughters fault. It’s just a weight I put on myself. I look into her almond eyes and sometimes lose my depression like an active drug, but other times it makes me want to break down and cry for the time I’ve lost while sad and sleeping.

THIS IS PARENTHOOD WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.

This is what it looks like for me. Seeing my daughter a mess and really not wanting to do anything about it. Making the excuse that “it’s quarantine” and using it to explain every single problem I face. This is what mental illness looks like for me right now. It’s the guilt of “oh god the room is a fucken mess” and letting James clean it up. It’s me trying to remember when I took a shower last and not even knowing because I haven’t known the day of the week for WEEKS. It’s begging for a simpler solution to every single task.

I let the depression win this month, (year?) and that’s really okay for now. Sometimes when you’re fighting a battle alone, you just need to sit back and take a moment to breathe it out. It’s not easy. As a matter of fact it’s hard. It’s the hardest and longest fight you’re ever going to have, but just be thankful for your will to fight. Your faith, your determination, your fucken desire! Be thankful because without it, you wouldn’t be here anymore, so even when it hurts you’re doing it right. Don’t be afraid of the hurt, embrace it and let it fuel you. You’re going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. We’re all gonna see another day.

[mommavalentinee]

WELCOME BACK!!

We needed some time to COMPLETELY fall apart there. Life got really hard in February when we last spdraoke. It’s continued to be weird and comepletely off the wall but if there’s ever been a moment to come back, it’s now.

Here’s a month to month recap of how shitty 2020 has been for the valentines! Enjoy.

January

James and I broke up! Yeah we spent one week apart and I spent every night drinking with my best friend.

James relapsed. It was devastating. 8 months down the drain and we started from rock bottom.

When Aralee and I came back he continued to slip up. It was hard on us especially with how rude he tends to get. Thankfully we buckled down and came out the other side stronger.

February

We started February off with the relapse. He apologized and apologized. His grandmother on his dads side got admitted into the hospital after a sever heart attack. Things weren’t looking good and they turned out being exactly that.

The 10th james went to community service and didn’t come home. Claims he slept outside.

My birthday (13th) was literally the worst day of my life. James grand mother died, at 3am. And I could tell he had relapsed again. He came in the room yelling at me and I called the police. They took him to jail and EMS came to take james grand father to the hospital for chest pains. Ended up finding out he needed surgery.

They tried to take Danny into surgery to place a splint into his artery. He had too much blockage. Had to close him back up and do a lazor procedure to clear it out then place the stent. (All while James was in jail) then he stayed in the hospital after wards for recovery.

When he came out he went to a routine check up and when they dropped him off at home, he couldn’t even make it inside the house. He was delirious and stumbling. Took him back to the doctor found out he had pneumonia. They admitted him.

James grandma then went into surgery for a tumor they had found in her stomach area. It was gonna be weeks before she was released for at home recovery.

Aralee and I stayed home alone most days. Which wasn’t good for my anxiety and ptsd. Shit got real hard and I found myself afraid to leave her in any room alone.

Finally James grandpa got out of the hospital and so did Rosa.

March

James got out of jail.

I started having daily panic attacks

I wasn’t able to sleep at night

The corona virus took over the world.

Quarantine

April

Quarantine.

There you have it a recap of how shitty 2020 has been.

In the past 4 months my daughter has learned

To say momma

To say dada

To crawl

To use her walker

To pull up on things on her own.

We are very proud of her she’s really turning into a person right before our eyes. At times I miss my mushy baby who cried for naps and milk but I definitely love watching her become someone new.

James is 2 months sober since February 13th. It’s been a long road and 2020 isn’t over but I’m definitely going to try and be more active in sharing my life. It’s really hard to see the positive in recovery when it seems you keep falling back into the same traps. Just know you’re not alone, these things happen. As crappy as they seem, they’re normal and perfectly healthy. If it was that easy to get up and never look back it wouldn’t be called an addiction. You just have to continue on, and try not to let yourself be discouraged by your own process. It’ll happen. Until then, stay sane in it.

(April 24, 2020 @6:41pm)

[mommavalentinee]

When they ask me why I’ve changed, this is my reason.

[mommavalentinee]

1:46am & I’m alone with my thoughts

It’s been hard. I’ve been telling myself I need to pour it out and instead I’ve just been keeping it in. Trying to decide how much to tell and how much to keep to myself.

I’ve been screaming. Inside I can’t keep a single conversation going, over speaking, over sharing. I’m making people uncomfortable. I can tell, but no matter how much I see them squirming or trying to escape my random “small talk” I keep talking. I keep going. I keep opening my mouth.

PTSD, he’s a monster hiding in the corner of every room. Waiting to find me alone and vulnerable. I keep glancing over at him instead of ignoring him and each time I do, his flashes become a little bit stronger. Visiting me in my dreams and taking over the voice in my head that says I’m stronger than that.

Relationships are falling with me catching them and I just keep trying to hide how much I want to die. I’m avoiding people, like they’re gonna see me and know that I’m fucken broken. I’m scared to take off this mask and show them all my broken parts. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to fix me, or help me. I don’t want me to really even understand.

I’m hitting road block after road block and honestly I think I’m about ready to get out the car and walk this trail now. I just people to look at me and see me as strong, congratulate on being a good mother and a good person. Instead people are mad because I’ve gone silent.

I JUST NEED TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW.

I don’t know how to be okay. I need someone to realize that! I need someone who’s gonna understand why I’m absent instead of making me feel guilty about it. Maybe she will never see my side, maybe she just doesn’t understand. This life isn’t about me anymore it’s about my daughter. It’s about helping her father it’s about being the backbone of my family that I’ve created. It’s about staying away from drugs and not running back to my addiction.

I AM FUCKEN BROKEN, PLEASE DONT ASK A RECOVERING ADDICT IF THEY WANT THEIR DRUG OF CHOICE. IM OFFENED.

[mommavalentinee]

Thursday January 30 2019 @ 11:40am

I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of getting depressed hiding away then emerging days behind and not sleeping. I’m tired I’m done with it.

There’s a lot that goes into this parenthood life and having my own problems and then dealing with the mundane of life is just, hard. I know that I have to be the best I can be for my daughter and I’m trying. I’m doing the best I can and the best I’ve done in a while. Yesterday was my lazy day, I had to catch up on sleep and then didn’t get out of bed until 2pm but I woke up at 6am this morning and now I’m cleaning and I might try and go for a walk after this.

I’m doing my best and I have to learn to be okay with that. Small steps and setting goals is the best I can do right now.

I slept 6 hours last night. Which is amazing! Cause I haven’t been sleeping at night. I’ve had 2 hard days this week but it’s almost over and I’m gonna push through the rest of the week and try for better next week.

James has court today. I was scared he was gonna be put in jail thank god he wasn’t. James is scared to tell me how bad things are or have been in the past so this whole thing is hard for him to get through. He doesn’t tell me what his requirements are. I didn’t know he had to do community service, now I do. I just want to push him to be better and be happier. I accept that his past is not pretty I just wish he would be honest with me. I understand that he hasn’t accepted how bad he let things get which is why he’s having trouble coming clean about things.

Our relationship has been hard recently, but I can feel the bad days going away. We’ve been having good days and we’ve started laughing together again and talking more than arguing. We hit a really dark part, but it feels good to be walking away from that and into something positive again.

[mommavalentinee]

Wednesday January 22 2020 @ 12:34

I lift myself up out of the ashes of which I was born.

I walk this life curious and wondering.

Flipping over rocks to see what gems hide underneath.

Skipping and running in the sunlight. Fighting the feeling of falling apart.

Growing older and taller, stronger and smarter.

Days turn colder, longer, more tiring.

With the wisdom of age I push it all aside.

Starring at the clouds while they become stars on the black back drop of night sky.

I cuddle up with the grass and cry myself to sleep tonight.

What it must be like, to love and be loved.

No longer skipping my days away with melodies of what ifs and maybes, I crawl to the next day.

The only goal in mind is to make it through the night. Where once there was dreams of escape and happiness there’s now tears.

They each burn as they fall down my cheek.

No sleep tonight.

Instead I hug myself a little tighter tonight.

In an attempt to hold my melting body together.

In an attempt to save myself though this, I sing the melody of the days before.

The days of skipping rocks and losing sleep to talk with the stars.

Morning comes and with it a new day must be lived though.

This is it. I can’t hold it together anymore.

Fixated on bringing in new life within my soul,

Deep within the rich soil I plant myself in the sunlight.

I stretch my roots out and fall apart.

I lose myself. I let it go.

Everything I am and was, gone.

Days go by and with them follow nights.

Beneath the soil I am regrown.

Remade.

One day I wake up and I’m no longer melting.

I wake up and I’m not afraid.

I lift myself up out of the ashes from which I was born.

I walk this familiar road with curiosity and wisdom in my back pocket.

I flip over rocks to see what gems hide underneath.

Skipping and jogging in the sunlight, watching out for anything that make me feel like falling apart.

I’m not falling apart.

[mommavalentinee]

It’s January 19th 2020 @12:23pm& I’m admitting I’m not okay.

Since I opened this account back in October, I was in a dark place. I’ve found myself hiding behind a tired smile and ignored missed calls. Hiding away like a mouse in a strange new home I hide behind walls and dishes. Somehow even my skin feels too thick to hide in.

Somewhere past 5am I yelled between warm sheets and closed eyes “you have me right where you want me! I have no where run away to, no where to go. You can cheat do drugs and hurt me. I’ll never leave, I can’t. But if I’m gonna do this for the rest of my life, if I’m gonna go the rest of my life wondering and never knowing the truth, please stop waking me up. If I’m gonna deal with this for the rest of my life I have to be well rested.”

James’s birthday is today. 23. I find myself cycling though emotions and anxiety. Okay, not okay, so fucken tired. Restart.

He didn’t do anything to deserve my outburst. He wasn’t doing anything, I just found myself wearing a skin 3 sizes to big, filled to the brim with itchy insecurities. Like a tag I rip and pull until I find myself lost in the thoughts of what if and don’t trust that.

What if you spend so much time with someone toxic, then you the “healer” becomes the toxic one? How do you get back eventually?

I just wanna forgive him and love him. I want to give gratitude where it’s deserved. I wanna celebrate his high points and help him gather his thoughts at his lowest. How do I find the way back from here? I feel like I was walking blindfolded and a year later I’ve taken off the blindfold and found myself all alone and lost in the middle of the woods. How can I be so dependent on a man I continue to break down?

Maybe I don’t need an answer, maybe I’m scared to know the truth.

Maybe I should just get some sleep.

[mommavalentinee]

8:36pm and I’m finally ready to talk

It’s been a hard couple of weeks. Starting the day after Christmas my life as I knew it fell apart. Years of failed attempts came to a halt and I needed to make a decision. Fight or flight?

You spend so much time talking someone up and loving on them. Try after try, night after night. I gave him a year and 7 months of support and guidance. He had 7 months of sobriety to show for it. He gleamed with pride ear to ear, getting up everyday was his commitment to his family but living drug free was for him.

Our problems reached its head the 26th of December 2019.

A year of cheating abuse and drugs overcame me and all the growing up he he wore so proudly I took away. I knocked him down after it all. After being pushed around emotionally and physically after being pregnant and bringing his child into the world I found myself screaming inside a soundproof room. Begging for someone to save me behind the eyes of a happy wife and mother.

No one talks about how saving someone else can make you lose yourself. I found myself lost.

After 7 months he broke his sobriety and relapsed. I can’t say I can’t believe it. I mean even the best of us fall. I will always think of myself as a recovering addict no matter how many months I pass sober. If I never relapse again and I die 30 years sober, I will always refer to myself as a recovering addict. I fell last year when my brother almost died and James fell when I packed all mine and Aralee’s stuff and left.

I guilted him for it. I broke him lower for it. When it was me in that seat I was my hardest critic. How could I knowing how much it breaks you more an everyone else to see that time flushed away?

Addiction is not pretty. It’s devastating, and a chain you wear until the day you die. It’s a choice every single day. It’s the hardest thing to walk away from and the easiest thing to fall back Into.

[poetic-pics]

I’m under construction…

[mommavalentinee]

I really think sometimes as young parents or just parents in general we forget that this is okay. We have this idea in mind of who we’re gonna be when our child enters the world and sometimes we just haven’t taken the steps we wanted to yet, but that’s okay. It’s okay to be a mess, to be sad to be tired to feel let down. It’s okay to feel lost. Just know you’re gonna be okay and your baby is gonna be okay! It doesn’t change how much they love you it doesn’t change how much you mean to them. It’s okay that 1 day out of the week you put yourself first and get dad a run for his money.

Be under construction, be under cooked, be so under that you don’t know where to go but pick yourself up and find the motivation to figure it out. Love yourself enough to not let yourself or your baby down.

[mommavalentinee]

It’s safe to say she hates mangos and bananas. Poor baby.

[mommavalentinee]

12:10pm and the card have come tumbling down.

I fell asleep after 7am, I thought about how I might have destroyed the swing and that was gonna be it until I fell asleep. By fell asleep I mean pass out and by pass out I mean oh my god no dreams no rest no peace.

They say that any hour slept before midnight is th most restful and rejuvenating sleep you can get, what do they say about the hours 7am to 12pm?

I woke up to my baby screaming in my ear and not being able to put her in her swing because it was cut up. Great. Welcome back anxiety. I’m pretty sure I broke this thing. Slip,slip, tug, tug strap, where the other one..? Baby screams from bed, fuck it. Who needs two straps??

Regardless she’s in the swing minding her business eating a bottle and I’m shaking from anxiety and exhaustion. Happy hump day y’all.

[mommavalentinee]

It’s 6:33am

I haven’t slept a wink. My daughter has a cold and slept in her swing. We’re down on our luck, nothing makes any sense. She soaked through her diaper and I had to cut the swing pad off the frame from her infant swing cause the damn thing wasn’t removable but needed to be machine washed. She’s not going back to sleep. Her dad works at 12.

Goodmoring, goodnight? *internally screams*

[mommavalentinee]

10:33am and the fight to take a nap

I am so damn tired. That’s it that’s all I have to say. More than anything in the world I want my baby to go back to sleep so I can go back to sleep. From the looks of it we will never sleep again. Good morning those of you who’s baby is awake or your at work. I envy those of you still asleep.

Also I’m pretty sure I’m coming down with some kind of sickness.

If this isn’t love I don’t know what is... Aralee take a nap.

[mommavalentinee]

Riverdale and the 3:33 thoughts of a tired, lonely stay at home mom.

It’s been a long-ish day and I really want to cuddle up and snuggle in with my man but with all the drama I have found myself in quite the situation. Halfway single halfway on my way to being married. What does this even mean? I crave the loudness that came before all this drama. With walls up I walk into every room and it suddenly gets quiet. I’m not spoken to or looked at. This is what I grew up with every single day and here I am dealing with it from my in-laws.

I want to forgive, but I’m broken and helpless. Suddenly I’m overcome with the memories of my sister in law sitting in her room putting on makeup and watching mtv while my brother Rudy was working and doing drugs. How long should I wait before I’m sucked back into that reality but on the darker end.

I’m misunderstood.

Riverdale and You have become my little escapes.

James works 6-9 hours and I stay home watch my baby and watch Netflix on my phone. This is the life.

Someone explain how to escape this prison like mindset and get back to before it all started. Someone remind me I am capable of forgiveness.