The Ramblings of a Moose

Adventurer. Geocacher. Reader. Teacher. I'm sure there's more...

[twloha]

[irresponsible-black-unicorn-dea]

Me: “This was such a long week!”

Coworker: “You realize it’s only Wednesday right?”

Me:

[irresponsible-black-unicorn-dea]

I’ll stop reblogging this on Wednesday when it stops being relevant

[panelshowsource]

SUBTITLED • Always check the number before sending a dick pic. Or, better yet, don’t send dick pics to people you don’t really know.

[morebadbookcovers]

I have a new hero.

[littlefeatherr]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 This woman deserves a medal.

[catchymemes]

Let me just ask the police..

[sasrinthekobold]

Why I think this is Florida?

[writing-prompt-s]

A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.

[endreams-s]

Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok

[honeypressed]

Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks

[moonreflectioninthefragglepond]

A++ addition

[tetsuskitten]

Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?

Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great

[tigerliliesandcherryblossoms]

I LOVE THIS

[vmohlere]

Oh no, murder comedy is my jam

[corvidprompts]

“I don’t need to go to bed, I’m not tired, I’ll be fine.”

“But, darling, I’ll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.”

“O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?”

“Is it working?”

[unnameablethings]

the amount of people tagging this as “this would work on me” is INTENSELY FUNNY YOU’RE ALL SO FUCKIN VALID

[jaekirkland]

WHEN YOU AND THE TEAM ARE STUCK IN SFO INTERNATIONAL FOR 13 HOURS

[minacoladas]

THIS IS A LITERAL MASTERPIECE

[filmaticbby]

wow me

[digitalhunk]

this is honestly surreal

[gaysuggestions]

netflix and…rest your head on my thigh while I run my fingers through your hair continuously

[meanderingandrambling]

@otahkoapisiakii

[debrides]

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

[lesbirdan]

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

[hermionegranger]

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

[mugsandpugs1-deactivated2019010]

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

[thomrainierskies]

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

[mirab3lle]

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

[icouldwritebooks]

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

[crimeronan]

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

[agrestenoir]

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

[gin-and-eschatonic]

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

[harold-theyre-thespians]

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

[narwhalsarefalling]

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

[wren-likethe-bird]

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

[ofgeography]

the first time i was tapped to say grace at thanksgiving i was probably in like, the fifth grade, and i said: “[blah blah blah]…..give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against. one nation, under god, indivisible, for liberty, and justice for all. amen.”

we all said amen and started eating and then about five minutes later, into the silence, my brother went, “…………wait.”

[messy-elliot-deactivated2021041]

Do y'all remember when Hottie tried to give Monique that hot ass titty apple? 😂

[itsapros3xia]

I just want to crawl in bed with someone I care about and have my heart feel at home again and watch movies and talk about random stuff for hours

[xiaolapcheong-deactivated201806]

how come humans don’t lick to show affection

[chloeniccole]

lesbians do! 

[gay-and-happy-that-way]

I spat out my drink

[kintatsujo]

Me: I don’t know if I ever want to be pregnant, I’d rather adopt a kid or two that are a bit older

Someone: Are you SURE? Older adoptees present UNIQUE CHALLENGES

Me: We are discussing human beings not digital pets

[plenoptic07]

Literally every child every born and/or parented presents unique challenges. It’s like people are unique individuals…..or something………….

[kintatsujo]

An amazing and revolutionary concept

[indigo-night-wisp]

When people ask me, “Why do you want to adopt teenagers?” I always answer, “Because you asked like that.”

I’m real over it. If I become a foster mom to a 17 year old kid and I get the privilege of the option to adopt them? You better believe I am legally making that kid mine.

“They’ll be a legal adult in no time, why spend the money to adopt? They’ll be aged out of the system.”

There’s no aging out of family, Marvin.

“They might be rebellious or smoke or do drugs or steal things! What if they won’t listen to you?”

Then I guess I’ll have to step up and do some fruxking parenting, Stanley.

“You want to adopt problem children then?”

All. Children. Are. Problem. Children. If you’re not prepared to deal with the fact that at some point, any child ever, whether you birthed them yourself or adopted them at any age, could become a problem? Then you are NOT ready to have children, and should really just step off and let the people who actually want to be parents live in peace with their kids.

[southernsideofme-deactivated201]

[missing-merlin]

my life is complete

[emeraldsage98]

I can feel the surprised expression on the duck’s face.  It’s like “This is unexpected,”

[tendernessandhysteria]

this is the cutest shit i’ve ever seen

[starssight]

[disneyfab]

this literally gave me chills.

[dansrules]

I’ve never hit the reblog button so fast in my life.

[kulkum]

Rapunzel was the best in this. The others were selfless to be sure, but he KNEW he was dying. 100% chance of death and he didn’t hesitate. That moment made the movie for me. That, and when bitchzilla took a nose dive out the window. :D