Exploring @mrken-dd - Tumblr Blog

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson (via thehopefulquotes)

marty101sblog

Richard, (my husband), never really talked a lot about his time in Viet Nam, other than he had been shot by a sniper. However, he had a rather grainy, 8 x 10 black and white photo he had taken at a USO show of Ann Margret with Bob Hope in the background that was one of his treasures.

A few years ago, Ann Margaret was doing a book signing at a local bookstore. Richard wanted to see if he could get her to Sign the treasured photo so he arrived at the bookstore at 12 o'clock for the 7:30 signing.

When I got there after work, the line went all the way around the bookstore, circled the parking lot, and disappeared behind a parking garage. Before her appearance, bookstore employees announced that she would sign only her book and no memorabilia would be permitted.

Richard was disappointed, but wanted to show her the photo and let her know how much those

shows meant to lonely GI's so far from home.. Ann Margaret came out looking as

beautiful as ever and, as second in line, it was soon Richard's turn.

He presented the book for her signature and then took out the photo. When he did, there were many shouts from the employees that she would not sign it. Richard said, "I understand. I just wanted her to see it."

She took one look at the photo, tears welled up in her eyes and she said, "This is one of my gentlemen from Viet Nam and I most certainly will sign his photo. I know what these men did for their country and I always have time for 'my gentlemen.'' With that, she pulled Richard across the table and planted a big kiss on him. She then made quite a to-do about the bravery of the young men she met over the years, how much she admired them, and how much she appreciated them. There weren't too many dry eyes among those close enough to hear. She then posed for pictures and acted as if he were the only one there.

That night was a turning point for him. He walked a little straighter and, for the first time in years, was proud to have been a Vet. I'll never forget Ann Margaret for her graciousness and how much that small act of kindness meant to my husband.

Later at dinner, Richard was very quiet. When I asked if he'd like to talk about it, my big, strong husband broke down in tears.. ''That's the first time anyone ever thanked

me for my time in the Army,'' he said.

I now make it a point to say 'Thank you' to every person I come across who served in our Armed Forces. Freedom does not come cheap and I am grateful for all those who have served their country.

If you'd like to pass on this story, feel free to do so. Perhaps it will help others to become aware of how important it is to acknowledge the contribution our service people make.

A True Patriot Will Pass This On. A Foreigner In This Country Might Not.

rockyp77mk3

That is a lady.

cravehiminallways212

What an amazing story...

Regardless of your political views, if you can’t thank a Sailor, Marine, Soldier, Airman, or Veteran, remember and respect that each took an oath to fight for this country and for your right to call yourselves Americans.

Freedom isn’t free... ❤️🇺🇸

amysubmits

Apples And Oranges

We have an apple and an orange.

We could cut them both in half, and each of us eat half the apple and half the orange. Some might even argue this is the only way to achieve fairness and equality in this situation because apples and oranges are different things.

But what if I prefer apples and he prefers oranges? I’d rather eat the whole apple and leave him the entire orange. He’d rather eat the entire orange and leave me the entire apple.

In fact, I dislike the texture of oranges enough that I would struggle to eat it. It’s not just that I prefer the apple, it’s that I don’t want the orange. For me, not requiring me to eat half the orange is doing me a favor, but I love apples. Allowing me the entire apple feels like a gift to me. So we agree that I get the apple and he gets the orange. We both get what we want most, and we both feel good about what we are offering the other because they feel we are giving them a gift.

Yes, apples and oranges are different things, but different doesn’t have to require that one is better or the other is worse. I am not given the apple because I am unworthy of oranges, or incapable of consuming it. The apple isn’t rotten. He doesn’t throw the apple at my head while standing on a pedestal made for men who eat oranges. He hands it to me, and I hand him an orange while standing with our feet on the ground. Our snacks aren’t identical but we both prefer what we have. We both win, to us it is fair.

submissive-seeking

When asked “What is the worst pain?” a neuroscience pain researcher answered with the following. I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting the paragraph that makes his answer relevant to BDSM and D/s.

“Well, it depends on who’s experiencing it.

Often when people think about the worst kind of pain, they expect to hear something like “getting a needle pushed underneath your fingernail”— something traumatic. Those kinds of things can be very painful, but they often don’t last very long, and we tend to measure pain by both intensity and duration. It’s difficult for us to then say that something like that is more painful than chronic back pain, for instance.

But trying to determine the worst kind of pain also depends on what we think pain is, and what we think pain’s purpose is.

The purpose of pain is to warn us about something which is threatening to our body: nerve cells are stimulated, and they warn us that there’s a threat to our boy, and they fire up into the spinal cord and up into our brain, and then our brain has to interpret those, on the basis of context.

A few years ago, there was a navy diver in Australia who was doing some practice dive in the Sydney Harbor, and as he was coming up from one of them he felt a piece of driftwood bang against his sides and against his leg. I annoyed him a bit, so he pushed it away. But he realized he couldn’t use his hand. And then he thought: “Well maybe it’s not driftwood.” And then he looked down and saw that his whole leg was inside a shark’s mouth. His hand was inside the shark’s mouth as well. And he said that once he saw that, he experienced the most intense pain that you could possibly imagine.

His nerve endings were screaming danger! into his brain, but he still didn’t think he’d been bitten by a shark. That tells us a little bit about pain: how it’s related not just to what’s coming in from your body, but to how your brain processes that signal. If it processes that signal as very threatening, then that will determine the amount of pain that you experience.

Most of think that pain tells us about what’s happening in our bodies—people who have back pain, for example, might think that they have a disc slipping, or that their vertebrae are cracking. But actually, the pain they’re experiencing is because they feel unsafe, and often a lot of these thoughts feed into that to make the pain worse. And that’s sort of where we are in modern pain science, in terms of thinking about why people experience pain for a long time when it should’ve gone away: it’s not that they’re in any danger, it’s that their brains have changed the processing of the information.” ____________________________________

Understanding that the perception of danger affects how the sub/bottom actually experiences pain will increase the Dominant’s/Top’s abilty to control the scene.

Example: you want your sub’s pain up an 8 outta 10, but you want to draw out the scene while staying within the defined hard limit of “no bruising on normally exposed areas.” By removing sight and disorienting the sub you render them more susceptible to classic mind fucks to amp their sense of “danger” and thereby increase the pain experienced without increasing the force applied.

Example: you have a soft limit being explored with the sub of flogging. Create a warmly lit scene, comforting sounds and anything the sub finds safe and soothing present. Consistently reinforce the sub can change their mind and you’ll move immediately to something the sub already enjoys. Announce every move, move slowly, fluidly, use the flogger in a sensual manner first. Proceed to the first strike with minimal force. Immediately followed by a pleasant sensation for the sub. Work up slowly to a full impact strike. Increasing the sub’s sense of control and safety will decrease the pain experienced (read here increase pain tolerance). The greater the sub’s “fear factor,” the greater the chance they safeword quickly and move it to the hard limit list.

The “fear factor” is often why a more experienced “bottom” is likely to be seen as having a high pain tolerance. They’ve experienced enough pain in a variety of circumstances that their brain has learned where danger to the body lies.

In short, if your sub/bottom isn’t able to “tolerate” whatever you’re dishing out, first look to yourself. Skill without creating a deep sense of safety won’t get either of you where you want to go. So THINK in every interaction. If you’re losing control of your mouth with your sub outside of scenes, you’re destroying that sense of safety (predictable is safer).

Today’s nerdy pain lecture is now over ….

***excerpt from here:

Some people say that life is pain. Those people are optimistic: life isn’t pain, it’s pains, plural—tooth pain, back pain, breakup-pai

submissive-seeking

Screenshots of OP hidden after “that which shall not be named…”

a-ds-archive

@instructor144 I found this for your increase tolerance anon. It’s about running too.

instructor144

^^^

instructor144

For this morning’s pain tolerance Anon.

rrrick

“Eat at a local restaurant tonight. Get the cream sauce. Have a cold pint at 4 o’clock in a mostly empty bar. Go somewhere you’ve never been. Listen to someone you think may have nothing in common with you. Order the steak rare. Eat an oyster. Have a negroni. Have two. Be open to a world where you may not understand or agree with the person next to you, but have a drink with them anyways. Eat slowly. Tip your server. Check in on your friends. Check in on yourself. Enjoy the ride.” - Anthony Bourdain

thegingerpowers

itsallprimal

Sometimes brat subby logic is crazy good.

delightfulsubg-deactivated20210

Our bodies can become addicted to abusive partners like a drug, causing physical reactions and making it difficult to leave.

Trauma Bonding

Imagine you’re 5’5” standing in a pool that is 3 foot deep. It’s comfortable. The water is the perfect temperature, you can freely roam about playing or relaxing. Imagine that once a month, that pool deepens by 2 centimeters. A centimeter is tiny.. you probably aren’t even aware that your body adjusted to the change. You may have had a moment where things felt odd, but you acclimated.

After a year however, your 9 1/2 inches deeper than when you started. It’s still comfortable. You’re still adequately above water. What about two years? Three? Suddenly you realize your 2 inches over your head. You stand on your toes for a while, you can allow your body to float for a while, but your feet always return to try to find its footing. Now you aren’t focused on carefree frolicking.. now you’re focused on survival. You’re tired. You don’t have the strength anymore to signal for help. Why didn’t you get out of the water sooner? Maybe you deserve being in this water. Wouldn’t a normal person have gotten out long before now? The water use to be so amazing though! It felt like everything you ever wanted. It felt safe and peaceful, sure there were storms, but the waters always calmed eventually. You love this pool.. don’t you? You use to. You needed it. Your body felt like it couldn’t survive without it. Your mind was convinced you would never be the same without it.

Trauma bonding is a lot like this. It is a chemical reaction that occurs just like in any other addiction. Your body craves the relationship just like an alcoholic craves alcohol. Just like someone who suffers from a cutting or eating disorder. Just like anyone addicted to gambling, porn, gaming etc.

If you have ever reached subspace, think about that feeling of euphoria, as well as that crash when it’s over. The crash isn’t fun, but that high feels amazing. The only real difference is that D/s is a healthy relationship where both partners support and care about each other. A narcissist loves seeing you crash and knows the higher they take you, the harder you’ll crash. They know the more highs they give you, the more addicted you’ll become. You aren’t being dramatic when you say you feel like you can’t live without this.. your body believes that based on the chemicals regularly created and depleted in your body. It isn’t your fault. But it doesn’t mean you have to stay in the pool. I know it’s hard. I know you’re tired and I know it feels hopeless. I know you just want to breathe. There is help. There are people nearby with life boats, even if you can’t see them. Please check my tags for advice on how to get out.

instructor144

For this morning’s Anon who’s planning on leaving, and as a general global resource.

papillion-noire-blog

He insists on punishments only. He refuses the application of a safe word indicating that he has never allowed a safe word before with his previous subs. He demands submission. Then he calls me unfit to be a submissive because I asked why he isn’t taking the time to learn me, put safety protocols in place or ease into the relationship so we can trust each other and then dive deeper. He demands consistency and discipline from me and exercises none himself.

Am I going insane here? When did obedience come before trust? How is submission not earned but demanded? What did I do wrong? How does that make me not submissive material?

@instructor144, @submissive-seeking, @thetriskeliondiaries, @the-faculty and others help me understand, please.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and feedback.

submissive-seeking

He’s right – this shit isn’t gonna work.

But, yes, I can help you understand.

This is not a man who understands the Power Exchange in the slightest.

He is not safe.

He is at the very least domineering, but more likely a lying narcissist.

He blames his failures on you by attempting to shame and name call.

“…unfit to be a submissive …” is the fake dom version of 16 year old boy saying “If you loved me, you would…”

Here’s some handy memes to add to your collection.

The first one is the answer about safewords.

The second answers to his completely obvious inauthentic bullshit.

The third answers your question about obedience (submission) and trust.

The fourth is what it is your looking for in a fully formed, functional Dominant. It’s not the kinky fuckery.

Oh and one last meme. This one’s directed to him.

@sweetyas31, you’re NOT the crazy one …

delightfulsubg-deactivated20210

☝️☝️☝️

seekingmyinnerself

Hallelujah say it like it is! Love the memes beautiful, sensual, and perfect. @submissive-seeking

(TUMBLR says you don’t exist)

cherishedproperty

Reblogging for this amazing bit of S-S wisdom:

“…unfit to be a submissive …” is the fake dom version of 16 year old boy saying “If you loved me, you would…”

I had a Dominant say this to me once when I told her I was uncomfortable with what she was asking of me. But that was when I realized she was dangerous. Domineering people can give you that electric “zing” of being controlled just the way a Dominant can. The difference is that the control they exert isn’t always consensual and agreed upon.

(See Red Flags for Dating as a Submissive for more hard lessons I learned.)

amysubmits

Ohh love this point CP made. Based on people I’ve talked to about their dating experiences, I suspect that some people may even get a bigger “zing” from domineering people. Not exactly because they prefer domineering over dominant, but because they get a thrill from feeling “forced” to submit. That results in a particularly big ‘zing’ from domineering people early on as they’ll require/force submission earlier. However, that only lasts for as long as the things they’re being told to do is something they are mostly comfortable with. But then once the domineering person tries to demand that the sub does something they are truly very uncomfortable with? It’s terrifying, and dangerous, because now they’re in a scenario of having their limits forcefully pushed past.

Note: I’m not necessarily saying that a dom has to specifically ask for every kind of instruction they can give. If you’re going on a date and the dom asks you to wear a dress and you’ve never explicitly told them they can control what you wear…i’m not saying that’s a red flag. Doms can offer opportunities for you to follow/submit but they have to be 100% suggestions and they have to be 100% okay with you refusing them. They have no room to ‘make you’ do anything until you’ve explicitly negotiated it.

ventraman

Reblogging for the PSA value. And, because it’s rock solid advice.

master2ss

Reblogging too, as the advice is so valuable to anyone not being treated correctly.

pleasurewhore-deactivated201802

Determination

Submission, and Dominance for that matter, while inbred, don’t come naturally. Now don’t mistake my meaning here, I believe submissives and Dominants are born this way, as much as people are born with blue eyes or brown. The innate desire to lead, or to follow, is not a choice, but the acts of submission and dominance are not innate, they are learned.

Take sex for example, you can know that you want it, that it is something you need in your life, but learning to have fulfilling sex is a journey, not a single act. And so it is for D/s. You can take a submissive or a Dominant as your own, but that doesn’t complete your journey any more than losing your virginity makes you a master of sex. There is always more to learn.

And you know what? It’s not fucking easy. You’re going to screw up. Probably a lot. You’ll hurt the person you love and it’s going to be soul crushing. They’re going to hurt you too, and you’ll probably be blindsided. You’ll learn and grow, and if you’re anything like me, sometimes you’ll look at the trail of mistakes behind you and you’ll wonder if maybe you aren’t meant for this after all. That maybe you aren’t really submissive because you seem to fail a lot, or that maybe you aren’t really a Dominant because you seem to hurt your sub even when it’s the last thing you want.

But here’s the thing… Dominance and submission are innate desires, but learning to fulfill those desires takes work. Learning to serve your partner, fulfill their needs, and make sure that your own are met, requires determination and effort. Wanting something, truly deeply wanting it, even needing it, doesn’t mean you know how to get it.

You have to be willing to pick yourself back up when you fall. It doesn’t mean you weren’t made for this. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a ‘true’ submissive or a Dominant. It means that if you want it badly enough, you’ll muster the strength to learn.

instructor144

Damn, I miss my friend @pleasurewhore …

freetheshit-outofyou

Mind blown.

@instructor144

Ouch.

“I have long believed that it is only right and appropriate that before one sleeps with someone, one should be able—if called upon to do so—to make them a proper omelet in the morning. Surely that kind of civility and selflessness would be both good manners and good for the world. Perhaps omelet skills should be learned at the same time you learn to fuck. Perhaps there should be an unspoken agreement that in the event of loss of virginity, the more experienced of the partners should, afterward, make the other an omelet—passing along the skill at an important and presumably memorable moment.”

— Anthony Bourdain, Medium Raw: A Bloody Valentine to the World of Food and the People Who Cook

mrken-dd

More of Mr. Bourdain's civility please!

thegingerpowers

instructor144

Damn, Ginger. Knocked it out of the fucking park with that one.

lg-secretsx-deactivated20240808

Questions to Ask Your Sub for Intimate, Safe, & Hot D/s

Understanding what D/s means to your sub will help you be the best Dom you can be.

About the D/s Dynamic:

What attracts you about dominance and how does submitting make you feel?

What does your kink identity (little, kitten, puppy, slave, etc.) mean to you?

How much do you want our D/s dynamic to be a part of our lives, from 0 - 100% of the time?

What are some everyday life examples of dominance you think are hot/fun?

What do you think is the difference between someone being controlling and someone being dominant?

About Sex:

What names do you like to be called during sex?

How do you like to be touched?

How do you feel about restraints? What kind?

Do you like being degraded or humiliated? How?

What does ideal aftercare look like for you?

About Experience:

Have you ever felt like someone crossed the line or violated your boundaries? What happened?

What kinks have you tried but didn't like?

What is something you've never tried but are curious about?

When and how did you first get into bd/sm (or dd/lg, md/lb, etc.)?

What do you think was missing from past relationships?

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but it's a good place to start!

Honesty creates intimacy & communication ensures safety 💖

pleasurewhore-deactivated201802

Long Distance Tips from a submissive

See each other, and talk, as often as possible Hearing, and seeing each other, as often as possible is the number one way to feel connected to one another long distance.Try to find little times to connect, even if it’s not a time when you can give your full attention. Talk while you are driving or grocery shopping. For my Dom and I our time differences, and schedules, make finding time to give each other 100% attention hard for us. My Daddy sometimes turns on ‘Daddy TV’ for me, allowing me to watch him on cam while he is working. We mute the sound and chat via text, but being able to see him is a very calming experience for me, and it certainly helps this needy sub feel connected.

Text when you can’t talk Having your camera on, or headphones in, isn’t always practical, but communicating through text chat is often a more manageable way to keep in contact throughout the day. Don’t underestimate the power of a message that says “Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you’’.

Have a cam ’date’ Order the same takeout (Chinese food, pizza, etc.), and pop on the same Netflix show/movie while you cam together.

Keep a panty catalog Both my Dom and I love when he chooses my panties. I, like most women I know, own more panties than he is able to keep track of without help. What I did was create an album for him, a picture of me in each pair, and a corresponding number, so that all he needs to do is glance at the album and leave me a number to let me know which he chose for the day. This works great with lingerie too.

Send Voice Messages There is a great service on Vocaroo.com that requires no sign up. You can record voice messages for each other so that you have something to listen to at time you will not be able to communicate via voice/cam.

Send pictures and videos as often as possible A silly morning selfie, or a video recording, can go a long way toward making you feel connected. Google drive is a great way to organize these and control who can view/download the videos and images. (However these methods are not hack-proof and you should always be discreet and completely trust and vet anyone you share sexy/revealing content with.)

Don’t make every communication about sex Things don’t need to be sexy all the time. Have a cam session where you just talk. Ask about your partner’s day. Time on voice/cam is often limited in LDRs but that doesn’t mean every opportunity needs to be used for something sexy. Those sexy times will feel so much more special when you’ve fostered a real connection.

Share a to-do list Google keep is a great app that lets you share a to-do list, so you can check tasks/chores off, and your Dom can see what has been completed at any given moment. It also allows either party to add or remove tasks at any time.

Share your playlists The days of mixed tapes are over, but listening to the same song (preferably at the same time) is a great way to feel connected to another person. Shared experiences have a way of uniting us that is very powerful, and music has a draw all it’s own.

Don’t hide your bad days LDRs are, after all, just relationships. Don’t impose on yourself the need to always come off as happy and put together. I’ve had calls where I’ve done little more than cry while my Dom listens and attempts to just be there for me. When another person can’t read your body language you need to make a greater effort to communicate what your feeling. Tell them if you feel sad, or frustrated, or angry. If you know that you’ll have trouble with this I’ve heard some people establish emojis or code-words ahead of time that they can use to communicate a mood when they can’t find the words.

Send a good-morning and goodnight message This is an important practice, especially for people in different time zones. Let them know you are thinking of them when you wake. Tuck-in is a very reassuring ritual for submissives (especially littles) and these simple messages can go a long way toward reassuring both Dom and sub that they are thought of, and missed.

Have a comfort object It’s my intention to write something more extensive about aftercare in a LDR later on, but a great place to start is with a comfort object. It can be a stuffy, a blanket, or a sweatshirt that smells like your partner; anything that reminds you of them. Create good associations by keeping the item close by while you are talking and enjoying yourselves, this will make the object more comforting when you’re feeling down.

Cut yourself some slack Some days will be difficult. You’ll miss connecting because of busy schedules or bad luck. It’s easy to feel neglected and unimportant, but try to keep perspective. Remember and appreciate the effort that your partner puts into your relationship and try to cut them, and yourself, some slack.

itsallprimal

Well written. Simple ideas to put in place.

~Primal

delightfulsubg-deactivated20210

Spotting a Narcissist

There are a lot of lists on Tumblr for spotting a bad Dom (some of whom likely are narcs) and those lists are amazing! Follow them! This isn’t to replace those, but rather to add to them. This is what I’ve learned from my own experience and research. Please feel free to add to it. The more info out there the better. (FYI, while statistically there are more male narcs than female… there are PLENTY of female narcs. While I may use the male pronoun it should NOT imply that these things shouldn’t be looked for in women also)

1. The first thing I watch for are unwarranted compliments. A narc knows the right thing to say to draw someone in. However they don’t put thoughts into those words. So if a man says “You’re so intelligent.” and he hasn’t known you long enough or well enough to make a legitimate judgement on your intelligence… beware. If you’re uncertain still, ask why he thinks that. Listen to your body and your instincts as much as you do his answer. “I can just tell.” is not an acceptable answer. RUN!! If he has a good answer, but you feel on edge… run. Analyze it later, but trust your instincts in the moment. What you’re looking for is a real life example. Maybe you didn’t think he could know how smart you are, but his answer is something about your vocabulary or a topic you briefly mentioned. That is warranted and so far so good.

2. When a man calls his ex crazy, it should be a red flag. Sometimes.. there really is a legitimate crazy ex, but pay attention. If every ex was crazy and or cheated, or if his parents are also crazy… a narc declares just about everyone who doesn’t fall in line for them, crazy. A narc rarely has anyone that they are very close to. If all his friends seem to be more acquaintances that can be a red flag. However you should also be aware of the flying monkeys. These are people currently being fooled by the narc. They often will do their bidding. Spreading their lies, (Often without realizing they are lies) boosting their ego, catering to their whims. Narcs are often very charming and people often want to do things for them. So there will likely be people in their life. It’s the claim that everyone they seem to have had a falling out with is crazy, and the fallout was entirely the other person’s fault. (Saying all his ex’s have cheated is another version of this that should be noted)

3. Blame shifting. When everything is someone else’s fault.. huge red flag. Sometimes a person really can fall on hard times. Sometimes things happen to us that are legitimately out of our control. But if he didn’t finish college because of his parents, and he didn’t get that last promotion because Joe is a brown noser, and he would be a millionaire if he had sued the one guy who had done him wrong, and he doesn’t have credit because of his parents, and he would own his own home if his grandma didn’t screw him out of his inheritance… (I’ve heard most of these verbatim… from the same person) Any one or 2 of these can be legit. (some more so than others) It’s when there is an overwhelming amount that you should turn tail and run. When he has given a list like this and not accepted any real responsibility for any of it, run fast and far.

4. Arrogance. There is a difference between being confident and being conceited. This, or lack of this, should be viewed carefully though. Not all narcs are the same. There is the Hollywood version (which while a tad extreme is very real) which is overt, but there are also covert narcs. Those 2 categories have sub categories and it does tend to be a spectrum. So while arrogance can be easy to spot and set off warning bells, also look for the extreme opposite. Again.. look for the extreme. Someone so incredibly humble it seems unbelievable. These are things to look for in the early stages of getting to know someone, but it is possible to still miss this one, since it is a spectrum thing. It falls back to trust your gut and look for any other red flag to go with it.

5. How they treat others. Again this can go both ways. Look for the intention behind the action. A guy who treats the waitress like dirt should be obvious. That is on lots of lists out there. The covert narc will treat her amazing though. A huge tip, offers to help her if he can, go out of his way to be nice… seems great right. If he is doing this because that’s the kind of guy he is.. that’s amazing and awesome. All kinds of wonderful. If he is doing this because he wants the brownie points and gets all giddy at the attention you give over it. Warning bell. If you think about it, you’ll realize he’s trying a little too hard to come across as sincere and genuine.

6. Say no to something and see how he responds. Don’t give a reason, don’t be timid or overly bold.. just a simple no. Narcs typically do not like no and will often posture. If he seems to either go on the defensive or offensive beware. A common tactic they use in this case is manipulation. They may say something to tug at your heart strings, or make you feel guilty or wrong for the no. If you say no and it is anything but honored… RUN!!!! Not even kidding.. RUN!

7. If they seem to have a long stream of short term jobs, this can be a red flag. You’ll have to make a judgement call depending on the career and what else you’re seeing, but if he can’t stay anywhere longer than a year, it’s a sign there could be a problem. Listen to the reason why he is job hopping. What you don’t want to hear is everyone is crazy and did them wrong. A better answer was, I intended to stay at this job, but then had an amazing offer elsewhere. Took the job not realizing what a nightmare the commute would be. I wouldn’t have left, but Mom was sick and I needed to relocate so I could help her after her heart attack. If there is a crazy person at a job or 2 interweaved in there it isn’t a big deal. We’ve all had crazy co-workers.

8. Entitlement. There are things we all deserve. We are all entitled to be treated as human beings. We are entitled to have our boundaries respected. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness right? We are not entitled to cars, homes, money, a certain lifestyle etc. Those things are earned. You go out, you work hard and there is a payoff for the hard work you do. Life can hammer us sometimes, but no one is entitled to a boat or a motorcycle. You’re parents don’t owe you a car. If they bought your brother one, it may be unfair, but that still doesn’t equal entitlement. If it seems like everyone owes him something.. big red flag.

9. Excuses. This goes hand in hand with a few of the others, but I thought it should be separate. A narc has an excuse for EVERYTHING. No amount of fact or proof will deter them from their version of reality. Some of the excuses I heard from my ex husband would make your head spin. If you try to offer a little advice and no matter how you try to problem solve with them, there is an excuse that won’t work. Be very leery. Some things in our lives can’t be helped, but if you’re giving solid advice and it feels like nothing you say matters… look for the other signs to go with it.

10. How you feel when in their presence. If you find yourself feeling insecure and unsure of yourself, those aren’t butterflies. That’s your gut instinct saying something isn’t right. If it feels like, he is so smart, and you wonder if you can keep up with his intelligence, that is a bad sign. Some people legitimately are smarter than others, so look for other ways you’re questioning yourself. Also, people who are intelligent, don’t need to make others feel less intelligent. It’s easy to think that issue must be with us. But pay attention to what exactly is giving you that feeling. They can be very subtle in tearing others down. Narcs have a way of making others feel in awe of them. Not every inspiring person is a narc, but again.. go with your gut.

11. Emotional vampire. Have you ever been around someone and as soon as they are gone you always feel exhausted? Narcs are exhausting. They soak up the energy in a room. If you’ve been in someone’s presence 3 times, and all 3 times you’ve left feeling drained. That’s a bad sign.

12. The conversation always winds up back on them and what they want. You’ll see on many lists to look for someone who always steers the conversation back to sex. That is a red flag, but I’m going to take it a little further. If they only seem to allow you an opportunity to talk because that’s expected, but quickly turn back to themselves. Even if it isn’t about sex, that is a red flag. We all share our experiences when getting to know someone. Others can’t learn about us if we aren’t talking about ourselves. Most people will also ask questions about others though. What things do you like? Why are you passionate about that? How did you get into that? There should be normal give and take in a conversation.

I could probably write more, this is an important topic to me and something I think should be discussed at great length. The more awareness, the easier it is to stay safe. Not every narc is violent, but they are all abusive.

This is something ongoing for me. I am continuing to learn and grow. I am by no means an expert, and I still struggle at times with applying this. Mostly I struggle with second guessing myself, but I have learned to go with my gut in the moment. It’s important to analyze later, it will help you strengthen the skills, and typing out this list is another tool I’m using. If you are currently in a relationship with a narc.. there is no changing him. Things will not get better. There is no pill he can take that is going to make him want to not be an asshole. By whatever means necessary leave. If that means a homeless shelter and government assistance, do it and don’t think twice. You are precious and deserve to be treated like a human being. You are not crazy. (If you are it’s reaction based) It is not in your head, you are stronger than you realize and you will never regret the peace you find when it is finally over. (I know you are stronger than you realize, because you have survived)

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Signs Of An Abusive Submissive.

1. Manipulation.

“But if you loved me you’d….” “You love me unconditionally don’t you?” “If you cared about me you’d…” “Dominants are supposed to…” “I’m a little submissive, you control me, so it’s all your fault.” “You hate me don’t you? That’s why you won’t do…” “You are such a dick, why can’t you just do something nice for me, for once.“

This is often done by “subs” who are out to use their Dominant for something, often to fulfill their kinky fantasies, and also often to get spoiled. The above phrases are often used to coerce the Dominant into buying them stuff, or participating in sexual play the Dominant is not comfortable with. Please remember you do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with, I don’t care how much tumblr says you have to eat her out or fuck her on her period, or lick his asshole, or buy her those new plushies and shoes every week, if you are honestly not comfortable with this, don’t let yourself get manipulated and talked into doing it.

2. Verbal/Emotional Abuse.

Putting their Dominants down, telling them how worthless/ugly/stupid/dumb/terrible they are, calling them names, and when you get upset you’re told that “it was just a joke.” “Don’t be so sensitive” “You’re overreacting.” “Aren’t you supposed to be the Dominant here?” “You control me so I can’t possibly do something to you you wouldn’t like.” Etc. This often goes hand in hand with manipulation and gas lighting to make the Dominant put up with this kind of abuse.

3. Physical Abuse.

Even if she’s a she, even if they’re 100 pounds and 10 feet smaller than you, if they even do as much as raise a hand at you or threaten to, you are being abused. Hell, even if it didn’t hurt, they are not supposed to hit you. At all. (obviously some couples like to play around a get a little rough and -both people enjoy it-, but I’m sure you all can tell the difference.) Again, if you say that this make you uncomfortable, they will often say things like examples already given. “I thought you were a big strong (wo)man.)” “c'mon, you should be able to take that, baby.” etc.

4. Denying you aftercare.

A lot of Dominants need aftercare too, and many don’t realize it, because for a lot of Dominants taking care of their submissive is their aftercare, but when for some reason this is impossible, Domdrop happens, and it can happen hard. Aftercare is not just for the sub, and if they don’t want aftercare but you know you do, and even after explaining will flat out refuse, it means they don’t care about your well being after an intense scene or session.

5. Refuses to give you any kind of love or affection or care.

“You’re the Dominant, you should be able to take care of yourself.” “I’m the one who deserves love here.” “You’re too big and strong to be taken care of.” “Why don’t you pay attention to me for once.” “Your problems aren’t that bad.“

Affection is so important in a relationship, if it’s something you need, don’t ever settle for someone who won’t give you those things.

6. Does not support you in hard times.

When say, a relative dies, you may not be able to be as consistent, you still want to be their Dom and they your sub (or maybe not, thats fine too), but you also need them to support you and care for you in tough times. If they tell you to suck it up and take care of THEM instead, they are again a selfish little bitch that only cares about themselves. Take care of yourself when you need to, and you deserve a sub who will take care of you too.

7. Talk bad about things that are perfectly normally in D/s but that doesn’t fit their abusive agenda.

“Serve you? What. No. I’m a little fragile sub, YOU’re supposed to get ME drinks.” “Beg? I’m too good for that. That’s disgusting, you’re supposed to please me whenever I want you to.” “No, that’s not how D/s works.”

(obviously this is different from a sub who is simply not interested in these things, it’s the phrasing and the reasons behind it.) They’ll always make everything about themselves, and when you bring up something that isn’t specially for them, they’ll guilt you and shame you. They’re only interested in themselves and keeping you under their thumb.

8. Deciding everything without negotiation or regard for your feelings.

They never want to negotiate or communicate, play can only be on their terms, them never letting you actually decide or have a say in anything.

Your feelings matter, don’t do anything you don’t want to do, don’t let yourself get talked into anything. Communication is everything in a D/s relationship.

9. They never obey you, they try to convince you D/s is all about the submissive.

There’s a difference between playful, agreed upon brattiness that’s fun for both parties, and using their Dom for their own selfish needs. This is often done by subs who want you to buy them stuff, care for them, spank them, etc, but they do not want to actually obey or serve you. They just want to use you and take advantage of you. Often times, disobedience is more of a sign of an ignorant or inexperienced sub than anything, but when it is paired with manipulation and other things, is when it crosses the line from ignorance to abuse.

10. You feel like you can’t trust them. They lie often.

Trust is everything in D/s, absolutely everything. If you can’t trust them, you can’t have a D/s relationship with them. If they lie a lot, even seemingly small, insignificant lies, it is a sign they do not respect you. Or they’ve cheated, or you’ve heard bad stories from their friends/co-workers, you’ve found suspicious things, etc. You deserve someone you can trust, not a liar.

11. Every single thing that would be abusive in a vanilla setting, or if you were their child, friend, or sub.

Every. Thing. All those other posts and guides and things online and everywhere that talk about signs of abuse? It all applies here. All of it. Don’t put up with what you wouldn’t put up with if it were any other kind of relationship. Cheating, slapping, name calling, lying, blackmailing.

There’s so many things that can be signs of abuse. In the end, you’re the only one who can say if you are in an abusive relationship or not, please take care of yourself. Run if you need to, run fast and hard, get a support system, if you need a stranger to talk to, my inbox is open for you. A relationship is about both people, even a D/s relationship. Both people deserve to be happy and have their needs met. Take care of yourself, you deserve love and care, and the submissive you deserve and dream of.

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