Life Of An Open Teen

I'm scared to grow up as I see no future

[gen-zee]

I love how confused adults get with our humor and vine refrences cause like i just replied to my brother with ‘four female ghostbusters?? the feminist are taking over!!’ and he just screams ‘IM AN ADULT VIRGIN’ and my mom still has no idea what we’re talking about

[mutual-existence-blog]

@beansparker

[beansparker]

thanks tumblr…

i’m literally so sad. my old account was terminated because i live in the uk and there was a policy change. 

i’ve lost a studyblr blog with almost 5,000 followers.

a tom holland/peter parker/ marvel blog where i was posting imagines and headcanons.

a personal blog where i reblogged loads of pretty shiz.

a sebastian stan/ bucky barnes blog where i was making friends.

a co-owned blog with a close friend from canada whom i will now have serious difficulty contacting. 

i was following over 1000 blogs that i loved. 

not to mention all the friends i made through tumblr that i now can’t talk to. real life kind of sucks for me most of the time, and tumblr was a way for me to escape. now i have to start all over again. 

[mutual-existence-blog]

Please read this and follow the account above ^^

[deathofaromantic]

if you have ever suffered from…

• depression

• anxiety

• eating disorder

• self-harm

• ocd

• bipolar

• feelings of guilt and hopelessness

• suicidal thoughts

can you please reblog to show support for people who also suffer.

you are not alone.

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Exposing myself on the internet #3

Okay I’ve accidentally gone back to my old ways.

I eat so much comfort food now I breakdown almost every night. I can’t not eat as it makes me stressed but when I eat the food I feel shit about myself. I was filming myself for something earlier and I literally burst out crying because my face is getting fatter. I’m starting to gain weight and I have never felt so bad about my body. There was a moment last week when I loved my body for a whole weekend. A WHOLE WEEKEND. That’s a world record kids. But now I’ve fallen from a skyscraper into Russia’s deepest hole. I want to dissapear but I’m scared of death. All bad decisions are haunting my thoughts. And to think I was getting better. Guess I’m not good enough to be anorexic so my brain gives me binging without the purge. I’m so sick of laxatives but it’s my last of hope of over coming my eating habits. I truly hate myself

[mutual-existence-blog]

“Suffocating in a never ending loop of a crush that’ll never happen for so many reasons. It’s just easier to accept my role as a lonely cat lady”

- Kathryn

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Exposing myself on the internet #2 PART TWO

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, EATING ISSUE, OR HAVE EVER SUFFERED FROM SELF HATRED DUE TO BODY ISSUES. PLEASE.

However when I finally realised it was issue and tried to force myself out of it, I was so conscious of that extra stone. I try not to weigh myself but as of my current state I’m about 7 stone and for me I’m not happy at all looking at it but I have to remember that as I grow I’m going to get ore weight added. Ive got to say that last year when I was still going through the bingeing but started to think about how fatty it all it. I started getting addicted to working out as I thought it would make me healthier. I stopped for awhile and recently I’ve started working out again and I’ve been trying to eat healthier and cut my meals down. I don’t have breakfast unless I’m walking far that day, I only eat half of my lunch box, I don’t eat snacks when I get home and at very maximum it’s special K Cereal. I have a small extra healthy my mother makes and that’s all of it. When I get hungry during school I have mints and gum as they stop my hunger and since their laxatives it means it gets all the food I eat straight through my system. DO NOT do what I am doing as it makes you feel like living shit (excuse the pun) and isn’t good for your body in the long term. I have a surgery coming up and the way I’ve figured it out is that the skinnier I am the better outcome because of the type I’m getting. I know I won’t be able to exercise or contort my weight when I’m recovering from surgery so I’m doing it all now.

My mum doesn’t know about my eating habits and all she does know is that I used to eat crap food but doesn’t get why. She’s helping me eat healthier because of the surgery coming up and Im happy I can use the excuse of surgery to eat how I am. I gotta say though, i slip up sometimes. Today I gave in and ate a few of my friends fries on the way home. I felt guilty so I just ate mints until dinner. I was really fking hungry an hour ago and I put it on my story (idk why) and I got a few people telling me to eat and obviously I can’t do that but I didn’t want them worrying so I ate a fortune cookie. So today on the list of thing so shouldn’t of eaten was 5 fries, one custard cream, one fortune cookie. But it’s okay because that’s so many of thousands of less calories as I would’ve eaten on a normal day a few months ago. I know right now I’m not particularly healthy but I’m healthier than I was and I’m not going to stare myself (I mean I wish I could but I love food too much) because as I’ve found out in the past, it doesn’t last long.

Sorry I ranted and I know no-one will find this but if you’re still reading then hello I ate a total of 2 baguettes today thanks to my mates buying me it whilst they bought other food.

I walked 22,066 steps today which is an all time record so wOOOhOoo

I realise I’m basically using my tumblr as a diary, glad I haven’t exposed my name aha. And if any of my mates are reading this rn, if you’re gonna show this to anyone be prepared for me to deny all charges based on lack of evidentiary support 🤷🏼‍♀️

So yes. I haven’t read through everything I just posted so if there’s mistakes or you can’t understand, feel free to let me know.

[mutual-existence-blog]

Exposing myself on the internet #2 PART ONE

Okay so this is the only place I can truly talk about this without people criticising the fk out of me. And no before you think it, I am not bashing eating issues, I’m talking about my experience with them.

Basically I’d say since I was in year 8 I’ve had a trouble with food but only realised the severity recently. It started off with whenever I was sad I’d eat maybe one extra chocolate bar and wouldn’t think much of it. Then year 9, my biggest cause of stress (besides this year but I’ll get into that later) I wouldn’t eat in the morning, determined each day to try be ‘healthier’ by not eating 😑🤦🏼‍♀️. Then by the time I got to school I would give up and each at break and lunch like no deal. Then I’d come home and eat several snacks and then dinner. It wasn’t too bad and quite normal.

But, by the end of year nine I was posing a ‘serious health risk’ to myself and this is how my daily meal list would look like.

- No Breakfast

- eat a brownie or something like that at 9am

- eat my entire lunch at 11:10am

Sit dying of what I thought was hunger during lunch at 1:30pm but it was just the need to eat

Get home at 4pm and have a packet of crisps, a chocolate bar, 4 custard creams, a bowl of cereal, and sometimes cheese

Get stress and my mum give in to making me dinner early at 6pm

At 7:30pm when my parents have their dinner, I’d ask for a serving

10pm have some small snack before bed

I kid you not this was what I ate from about March year 9 to February year 10 (last month).

I tried stopping but when I tried I would always fail and feel so shit about everything and anything that I’d end up eating MORE than I usually consume. I would try starve myself and I would never make it more than 4 days without giving in. At first I thought it was just a unhealthy addiction to food but after talking with my councillor and confusing conversations of how it didn’t fit with my phobia of vomit because normally people with that phobia stay clear of foods that make them feel sick if consumed too regularly, we realised it was much deeper than just liking the taste. Each of the times in the day that I would eat it would always be the most stressful points in my day.

Before school where I’d be surrounded with issues

9am minutes before class started where I would face social situations

11:10am where I would have to sit and try to engage in uneven conversations to show people I’m not close with that I’m ‘confident’ and ‘fun’ to be around

1:30pm where break was repeated but for longer

4pm where I’ve had a stressful day and surrounded by family issues and it’s peak time for arguments to happen between friends online

6pm to 10pm would be my safe time when I could either be in a neutral but comfortable mood or tight and apprehensive about social media problems or issues rising

I was eating to comfort myself as the items I would consume would be things I’m used to and would be the same things on repeat and would give me a moment of peace or ecstasy where I felt happy. I only found out recently that its an actual condition and binge eating classifys as an eating disorder because of the motives and thoughts behind the actions. When you think of eating disorder you think of anorexia and a noticeable difference in body shape. Over the course this my body did not change, in fact I only gained a stone in the year ish I had the problem.

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Exposing myself on the internet #1

Okay so since I feel like at the moment I can’t tell anyone anything personal directly I thought I’d put a few posts up on here about issues I struggle with or things I’m thinking.

I’ve only told one person about my friendship ‘curse’ before. It’s a cycle I’ve been stuck in for about 4 years now and I’m so sick and tired of it as when it reaches a certain point in the cycle I recognise it’s the ‘curse’ and have mental breakdowns where when I go home I go into zombie mood where I only temporarily snap out when people message me online.

The cycle goes like this:

Have a few decent friends but not close with anyone

Start becoming friends with one of my decent friends or someone I haven’t talked to much

Become really FKING good friends with said person

Start drifting apart because of either some difference we both can’t settle (even if we don’t argue about it, we still both know it’s a barrier)

Said best friend becomes good friends someone else (always someone I know)

Go into a mega thinking binge where I go through every possible reason and possibility of why it happened and conclude that I’m a selfish asshole who gets jealous too easy and has strong opinions

I go into this almost shut down mode of where I know the friendship is drifting apart but in my head I have so many thoughts of “it won’t be fixed” “it can’t be fixed” that I mentally give up on trying because I feel like it’s wasted effort and because I’m stuck in the curse cycle that it’s going to happen and holding someone back for my personal gain is something I’m not fond of

Get jealous but contain it because hey, who likes people who get jealous whenever they see photos of their new friendships and next thing they’re putting on a sad playlist to distract themselves which will never work

AND then the cycle repeats

I’ve learnt that a full cycle can be anything from a few months up to a full year. And just to mention this post isn’t one of those “Why is my life so unfair why am I treated like this I can’t believe people are so shitttttt” because it’s actually me complaining about how fucked up my thought cycle is that I can’t stay friends with people because of paranoia and just the general thought of knowing everyone is better off not being overly involved in me as it’ll end badly and they’ll leave.

If you made it to this point I’m surprised. If you want to hear a bitchy middle class privileged white asshole of a girl complain about how fked up she mentally and physically is. Please hit follow ;’

[mutual-existence-blog]

Advice number #3

Set a list of goals and for each point have 2-5 set tasks to achieve your goals. I’m exercising more this year and I started in February to avoid the January stigma around it. I’ve used 3 time tasks and 2 added health benefit tasks.

This is how I’ve laid it out so it’s clear and easy to read and remember

Exercise Health Goal ~ Task list 2018

1TT- Follow daily workout schedule starting off by doing half the amount of everything and going up by one thing a week until hitting full amount (Time Task)

2TT- No using machines and lifting weights until March. Then use every few days to not over do muscles (Time Task)

3TT- When I’m up to my full amount on the daily rotation, do a minimum of 1 hour of personal exercise a day and a maximum of 3. Need time to cool down, shower, do hw, rest, and de-stress in general. (Time Task)

——————————

1HBT- Drink 2 cups of Green Tea a day (three when I have a cold or skipped a workout)

2HBT- Limit to two snacks after school

[mutual-existence-blog]

A sober persons thoughts are a drunk persons actions.

An intellectual

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Appreciation post #1

I wrote a 1000 word post about this and tumblr deleted it and it pissed me off so I’m sorry but it’s going to be short. There’s a very special girl in my life who I can’t express my emotions properly to. I try my best to but it won’t show the true extent of my appreciation and love for her. Her family is so nice to me and cares for me as if I were part of their family. At times I feel like I truly am.

I wish her problems would stop bothering her as it hurts to see it holding her back. If I could help in any way I would.

One last thing is how I know I slip up sometimes and I’m sorry I do honestly try my best. I love you so much and I’m always here for you. I know about how bad my personal last is with friends and I’m glad I’ve got you to be there for me and for me to be there for you.

You’re my best friend and true sister R.A. (Aka chandler eggos)

[mutual-existence-blog]

F**k This World

I thought this world was once doing okay

Until I scrolled through endless time lines and felt my grasp of false reality slip away

I can see beneath the filters and I can read the words of pain

From the infants who are raped to the girl who shot her human trafficker tired as an adult, called insane

People losing homes and desperate for a better life

Only to be shot down killed all because of own pathetic white privileged spite

Trump protestors protesting women demonstrators

All because we lost the real people, we lost hope as well as our protectors

As I sit here and watch all these shitty crisis blues

All we see if an orange man tweet about fake news

So I want to do something but I can’t because I’m just a teen girl

So I stand on my tippy toes and scream “F**K THIS LOST WORLD”

-by Samanthalowe™️

[mutual-existence-blog]

What I want:

- Be mentally and emotionally stable

- Have secure friendships

- A Bf to chill and vibe w/

- Be happy and not stressed 👌👌

[kylebrowning]

Some times I step forward and

let out a whipser, hoping not to be heard

but standing outward none the less

and things flit behind my back

to meet the caprice of my fancy

without ever stepping quite past my lips

To see if anyone has a reaction

to identify homonids into kinds of consciousness.

Despite this I will do just the same

when alone

or with others I know will not notice

It is a private world of unheard things

unsaid things that were proclaimedquietly

And thus I can be alone in conversations

that are spoken by both parties

but only had by one of them.

The curious part is

that just as many other people

could easily be doing the same

in languages that I do not know

and thus two may converse

without my even noticing

while we are speaking with each other

How many of these private worlds

of unsaid words are there?

And how many are not private at all?

How many, one day are rudely stumbled into

by a speaker of the same hidden tongue

and finally your private murmurs

are distinctly heard

and there is nowhere you can be alone

not anymore

there is no interior

and every morsel of my soul

is fed upon,

for some people do not even know

how to be private when in public

for fear of those few who speak a common tongue.

And then it is all heard

And then it is all heard

And then it is all heard

Get out

Get out

Get out.

[mutual-existence-blog]

Advice #2

When writing fanfiction, do extensive research to cure writers block. If you still have writers block or lack of motivation, think about why or who you’re writing it for. Mines for a very special person. I’m bad at expressing my emotions properly so I express my gratitude wherever I can.

[mutual-existence-blog]

Love feels blind to those who are binded.

Love feels great to those who appreciate but always forget to reciprocate. Love feels warm when you have a fire in your house but the house next door burnt down cause’ you only wanted more. Love feels exciting when you’re the one inviting an sitting back lazing and your partner does the writing.

There shouldn’t be any pressure like your brains going to burst because all you hear is them curse. Better build yourself a hurse or get outta the way, It seems love isn’t worth it, rather die on the motorway.

- slam poetry by samanthalowe™️

[rhysfiona-remade-deactivated202]

[mutual-existence-blog]

#thelastofus #ps3 #ps4 #videogame #videogames #joel #ellie #zombie #thelastofusremastered