diary of a nail biter

I live with CPTSD, anxiety, and depression. I'm also a mom and a new nurse. I chronicle my journey to live a fulfilling life with an open heart and longer nails here.

[extramadness]

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

This is me and my husband. I’m so grateful.

[ask-pauli-amorous]

I’ve said this before and I’ll point it out again - Menstruation is caused by change in hormonal levels to stop the creation of a uterine lining and encourage the body to flush the lining out. The body does this by lowering estrogen levels and raising testosterone. Or, to put it more plainly “That time of the month” is when female hormones most closely resemble male hormones. So if (cis) women aren’t suited to office at “That time of the month” then (cis) men are NEVER suited to office. If you are a dude and don’t dig the ladies around you at their time of the month, just think! That is you all of the time. And, on a final note, post-menopausal (cis) women are the most hormonally stable of all human demographics. They have fewer hormonal fluctuations of anyone, meaning older women like Hilary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren would theoretically be among the least likely candidates to make an irrational decision due to hormonal fluctuations, and if we were basing our leadership decisions on hormone levels, then only women over fifty should ever be allowed to hold office.

timemachineyeah (via ask-pauli-amorous)

[niuniente]

Listen to Doggo; You can do it. You are a good boy.

[brainbowunicorn]

Sometimes I just start singing and my mom joins in

[saramcclarinet]

Whoa…

[ep0nine]

#don’t trust this #they’re probably sirens

[buickey]

These two are singing “O magnum mysterium” by Tomas Luis De Victoria! It’s a very pretty piece from the renaissance that has a lot of different voice parts singing totally different melodies that mesh well together. I sung tenor for a song of his as well. It sounds ethereal in cathedrals and bathrooms alike my opinion. Its the room’s ability to bounce sound and make it resonate, giving it it’s “mermaid siren” like quality. It sounds great. Congratulations, you both! Sounds very pretty and seems like a fun time to clean with things like that.

[punks-and-poets-deactivated2016]

yes its back on my dash

[antiandrogen]

god lol

[thewhaleridingvulcan-deactivate]

I always reblog the bathroom sirens <3 

[dovewithscales]

The bathroom sirens.

[extramadness]

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

I am not in a good place right now. I think going up my antidepressant is giving me some crazy side effects and I can’t focus or get stuff done. And there’s too much going on right now. My nails were growing until today but I didn’t bite them too much.

[coffee-and-quotes]

I have no idea how people function without near-constant internal chaos. I’d lose my mind.

Dave Eggers (via coffee-and-quotes)

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

Anxiety sucks. That is all.

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

#treatyoself #starbucks #cakepops #coffeetime #neededapickmeup #ivebecomeoneofthosepeople

[extramadness]

[extramadness]

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

Yes I must!

[extramadness]

[extramadness]

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

My hands are trembling

I am doing much better with my nails! I’ve been taking care of them and painting them which helps me to be mindful of not biting them (too much). I have a ways to go though. 

I am going through the stressful job-hunting process. I have my first interview next week. I’ve also recently had my birth control device removed and my hormones are going nuts leaving me with tons of anxiety. I even went back to using Xanax but the small doses my doctor prescribes don’t do much unless I take 2 or 3 and I’m afraid of running out too soon so it’s only somewhat helpful. 

I need to set limits, boundaries, and goals. I’ve never been too successful with setting and sticking to goals. Everything feels too amorphous to me. My emotions are up and down all the time and I usually just go with what feels right. I only seem stop see what’s right in front of me, live in the moment. Which is not inherently a bad thing, But if I want to see any progress I know I need to sit down and do some planning. 

Actually just coming back and adding to this blog I started is a step in the right direction. I am powerful, I am strong, I am resilient!

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

Share Dirt with your Neighbors

The above art is from Nastya Nudnik. It really speaks to me about the alienation that permeates our society. I identify with both of the figures in the image. You can’t see the woman’s face. She is turned away from us, in a dark corner, isolated and not paying attention to the outside world, not even the room she is in. The “love” or “like” symbol is covering a part of her body associated with reproduction and sexual attraction, at the same time obscuring and “liking” it, as if that is the most important part of the woman. Half her body are even obscured by the man. 

The man is also isolated. He is looking away from the window, downward and inward. His body language is turned inward, his hands resting inside his knees. I get the feeling that he is the one who “likes” the woman’s nether regions (for lack of a better term atm) while at the same time completely disregarding her. It also reminds me of instagram, of liking images and then continuing to scroll through and like more. It’s not being socially engaged, it’s a solo activity that shows you only images and leaves you isolated. 

Switching gears.

I’m tired of this whole “me first” “murica” attitude. I am somewhat isolated myself at the moment, but I literally share dirt (and plants) with a neighbor of mind. But the title of this post is not just about physical dirt. And I don’t mean gossiping. I mean sharing not just the good or superficial stuff with the people around you. I think we should be sharing our ups and downs, the bad with the good. 

Where you live matters. Being grounded and connected to the world around you is important. I know I’ll probably sound all hippy-dippy but I think we need to go back to our roots. Our country was founded on Native American soil and blood and we need to remember and heal that if we are to move forward just like a person with PTSD needs to integrate their trauma in order to live a full life. 

I joined something called Nextdoor the other day, like Facebook but for your neighborhood, and one of the first posts I saw was a mother asking for school supplies for her kids because she couldn’t afford it and she was desperate. The answers to her post were “you should contact blah blah charity” and “this organization helps with that” which is fine I’m glad there’s places you can contact to get help with stuff like this. 

But I had a couple totes full of the stuff she needs sitting in my basement not doing anyone any good so I messaged her and we ended up meeting today so I could give her what I had. She was so thankful and I was overjoyed that I could help. What gets my goat (yes I said goat) is that it’s such a simple request with such an easy resolution but the culture in this country is so focused on fear and power that we end up living in isolated little boxes right alongside each other with no interaction.

I love this Nextdoor site because it can actually help you meet your neighbors. I’ve moved here only very recently as has the family I helped out today. It takes a long time to get to know people in your area and get to know the land. This is not a modern issue humans have been moving around as long as we’ve been on this planet. It’s more poignant at present though because it is much easier to remain isolated with the preponderance of social media. 

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

Chocolate and air conditioning with the tot. #dunkindonuts #donutholes #chocolate #cutiepie

[tasselfairy]

I hope your day is filled with rainbows and happiness! 

Follow me on Instagram @studiomucci

[myhandsarefull-blog1]

Love love love her. So inspiring. 😍