Light me up

Struggling between staying above water in hopes of better times or letting the tide carry me away.

[mylovingpain]

Home did not have four walls and a picket fence for me. 

Instead, 

home became your two arms engulfing me in a hug. 

Home became lying with my head on your chest while I listened to your heartbeat. 

Home became the way your body shook from laughter.

Home became our bodies wrapped in bedsheets on a Tuesday morning.

You gave me a home to rest my tired bones and I’ll spend my entire life repaying your kindness.

[mylovingpain]

My hands shake when I think of you and I have yet to figure out how to stop it.

[mylovingpain]

There’s something so intimate about watching people read. The slightly parted lips, eyes focused, furrowed brows. It’s the pencil drumming the table as your eyes scan the lines of the paper and your fingers itching to turn the page over. It’s the excitement lighting up your eyes when the two characters finally kiss. Or the sadness that pulls you apart because your favourite character didn’t make it out alive. I’d say watching people read is enough to make me fall in love with them.

[mylovingpain]

Every season offers new beginnings.

Spring offers blossoming trees

And hope for a brighter day.

Summer offers warmth and laughter

A promise of joy.

Fall offers a blessing disguised as a curse

A fading of relationships not meant for you anyway.

Winter offers sweaters and snow

The perfect time for a clean slate.

[mylovingpain]

At some point I will stop hoping that every notification on my phone is a text from you. I just don’t think today is that day.

[mylovingpain]

My grandma told me that the universe never puts more on your shoulders than you can carry. And in some sense she was right because I’ve gotten through everything so far even when I thought I’d never survive. And there’s a comfort in knowing that even though it feels tough right now, the universe deemed me strong enough to handle this. Eventually it does get easier to carry all this baggage.

[mylovingpain]

You’re going to break my heart

And I’m going to let you.

Because whatever happens

The pain of losing you

Is infinitely bigger

Than the pain of staying.

[mylovingpain]

Someone once told me that even though the hurricane in itself wreaks havoc, if you find your way to the middle of it, everything is still. It’s called the eye of the hurricane. I think it’s the same with you. Being around you is chaotic and painful, but when I’m in your arms, I swear I’ve never felt calmer.

[mylovingpain]

I think

You look pretty

When it rains.

I think

You have a nice laugh

When we joke.

I think

You make me nervous

Because I don’t want to corrupt you.

I think

You’re nicer than most

But I tend to ruin the good guys.

I think

You might be good for me

But I would leave you bitter.

- I’m really scared I might change you for the worse.

[mylovingpain]

Was it because I asked to be exclusive?

Or maybe it was because I agreed to sex on the second date?

Should I have waited longer?

Is it because I was always available to meet up?

Did I bore you too fast?

I’d really like to know

Because it’s so tiresome

To always end up sleeping alone

Just when I start to think

I might’ve got it right

This time around.

So is it me?

Did I drive you away?

It seems to be a talent of mine.

[mylovingpain]

It’s really problematic how whenever we’re apart, I create these scenarios in my head. I convince myself that you’re not into me and that you don’t consider me good for anything other than sex. But that was the guys before you. I know you’re different but the voices in my head tend to scream louder than my logical self.

- I only feel real calm when I’m with you.

[mylovingpain]

I am trusting you with my heart. And it scares me more than anything because I’ve already had my trust betrayed. But you’re not him and you’ve given me no reason to think you are. So I’m trusting you with this damaged thing that’s been glued back together more times then I can count. And I’m hoping you won’t drop it because I don’t think all the glue in the word can fix it one more time.

[mylovingpain]

How scary is it that I’m wishing for a new heartbreak because I moved on after you and now I don’t feel the same need to write anymore. Somehow moving on took away the one thing I had left.

[mylovingpain]

To the next boy I love.

I’m sorry in advance if I push a little too hard sometimes or ask for more than I normally would. It’s just I’ve already been the girl who didn’t voice my own needs in order for him to be happy and it ruined me. I was not made to be a shadow, I was born to create fire and light. And I promise I’ll love you with everything I have but if we don’t see eye to eye on some matters, we will compromise. Because the days of me just forfeiting and letting someone else get everything they want is over. None of us will be right or wrong in needing different things, but I will not stay silent again. I deserve the world and if you’re not ready to give it to me unconditionally then we’re wasting time. I am a goddess and will be treated like nothing less. But I promise to make space for both of us as long as you promise the same. I refuse to let another boy watch as I ruin myself to keep him satisfied.

- Self love comes first in this case.

[mylovingpain]

I hate how insecure you make me feel without even knowing it. Your very existence makes me worry if I’ll ever be enough for you. It’s hard to think differently when you do nothing to show what I mean to you. But I guess that’s a way of showing it too.

[mylovingpain]

I could’ve loved you forever. You know that, right? If you had wanted me to, I could’ve loved you until the end of time. And maybe we weren’t right for each other, or maybe it wasn’t the right time. I don’t know why we didn’t work, but I do know that the time I could’ve stayed wrapped in your arms is infinite.

[mylovingpain]

You will always be my biggest almost.

But I used to think you’d be my forever.