My Mental World According To Bek.

My life and how I cope with Bipolar, Borderline and PTSD.

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

My mum was very happy that Chiquitos have a whole gluten free menu. She was very excited at not having to go through the normal menu wondering what she can and can't eat. She had such a big grin I had to take a pic. ^.^ B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

7 October 2014

Nothing from yesterday. Today... Today I had an appointment about a new therapy to help with the ptsd. He said I was ready and he is referring me. It will take 5-6 weeks to be picked up for it though. So we shall have to see. My mum took me to the appointment so afterwards we went out to lunch. We went to Chiquitos, which was awesome. I had a chimychanga. It was amazing and amazingly bad for me, but so worth it. It was nice to hang out with my mum today, we rarely get a day alone. I think I see G more than I see my mum and G lives a 1.5 hours away by train. The mental side of things... With the appointment this morning my mental health is not doing great. We didn't go into details but we mentioned flashbacks and nightmares which are a big problem for me. It didn't exactly put me in the right frame of mind. Hanging with mum helped somewhat but my brain was still screaming at me, so much so that I sometimes didn't hear mum. Plan... I plan on dying my hair tonight and baking some biscuits for college tomorrow. I really hope college goes well. ^.^ B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

6 October 2014

From yesterday... I plan on going to the college library tomorrow to get some work done and grab some cold and flu meds. Did I fuck. Today... I have done nothing today. I have stayed in bed feeling sorry for myself. My throat hurts, my head hurts and I'm all snotty and gross. I looked at my biology books but that was it. I ate some soup and couldn't taste it. I feel crappy. The mental side of things... Don't even ask. Breakdown imminent. Plan... I don't have one. ^.^ B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

4-5 October 2014

From yesterday…

I plan on getting my sis to look at my personal statement as she has been to uni and see what she says needs changed.

She did look at it and helped me edit it somewhat, apparently I suck with grammar.

Today…

This weekend I hung out with my sis, D, and my nephew A. We took A to a big indoor soft play area called ‘Pirates Cove’. It was brill. A loved running around and getting me to go down the big slide with him. Which wasn’t embarrassing at all. *oozes sarcasm*

On Sunday I was really lazy, however I was full of cold and my head felt all fuzzy. Lots of tissues. I did drag myself out of bed to go shopping with L as I really needed food. We also went to McDonalds to use the internet and have a cup of hot chocolate.

The mental side of things…

Saturday was an ok mental health day. Sometimes my sis doesn’t really think about what she’s saying and can really hurt me. Especially when she was picking apart my personal statement and telling me some of it was shit. I do tend to take that to heart and I really hope my tutor doesn’t want me to rewrite it as I don’t think I have the confidence. Illness always puts me in a downward spiral. So Sunday was a bad day. I tried studying to take my mind off it but my head was screaming at me. Even taking extra meds didn’t help. So a very bad day.

Plan…

I plan on going to the college library tomorrow to get some work done and grab some cold and flu meds.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

Studying while watching David Attenborough’s Planet Earth. Spud is watching the birds.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

Necklace that G got me from Sunderland Pride.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

Spud being adorable. Just before he decided to be a little shit and attack my toes.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

I've been listening to this song a lot lately, not sure what that says about my mental state or what my subconscious is trying to tell me but I love it. Brilliant song, brilliant singer, just brilliant.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

3 October 2014

From yesterday…

I plan on making falafel tonight and zaatar bread and thoroughly enjoying it. I also plan on getting my personal statement done, at least the first draft anyway.

I did make zaatar bread, although it turned out crispier than I wanted, it was still awesome. The falafel was amazing as it always is I ate loads of it. I did get my first draft done and it felt like a massive weight had been lifted.

Today…

I handed in said personal statement and looked forward to that ‘Ahhh’ *sighs* feeling for a couple of days before she gave it back, however 20mins later she had given it back to me with a whole load of suggestions written on it. Not the greatest feeling in the world.

College pilled on the work again today and I felt myself getting more and more nervous.

I finally made my mannequin, well the first bit of it anyway. It is now sitting in Ls living room waiting to be stuffed. I had to rush out of hers as I was getting picked up by my bro in law, W.

I’m hanging out with my nephew, A, and W while my sis is out at a work do, then I’m going to stay over and hang out with my sis and A tomorrow. I cant wait, its been two weeks since I’ve seen him.

The mental side of things…

Nothing much to report, been a bit rushed around but been good. A bit urgy and stressed, but nothing unmanageable.

Plan…

I plan on getting my sis to look at my personal statement as she has been to uni and see what she says needs changed.

^.^

B

[borderlineteacher]

This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week.

Break the silence.

Stop the stigma.

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

2 October 2014

From yesterday…

I plan on going to college again, then graded exposure, then to Ls, then home to study and make dinner.

Again with following my plan :)

Today…

College was good today, we got a lot of work but I didn’t feel overwhelmed. This week seems to be going a lot better. I had cous cous for lunch and it was nomiful.

Me and G have been missing each other but communicating really well which is good. I can’t wait for her to come back down on the 25th.

J, C and I seem to becoming good friends. I invited them to the birthday party L is having for me. They can meet the unicorns which should be fun. I hope they like each other.

The mental side of things…

I’ve been really good today apart from forgetting my meds this morning. I’ve felt ok all day though. Not much to report really apart from being on a packed bus this afternoon made my skin crawl and I felt like if anyone touched me I would burst into flames, I was that uncomfortable.

Plan…

I plan on making falafel tonight and zaatar bread and thoroughly enjoying it. I also plan on getting my personal statement done, at least the first draft anyway.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

1 October 2014

From yesterday…

I plan on going to college tomorrow, getting the books I need from the library and going to the gym. Also go up to Ls and see the newly sanded floors.

I think this is the first time ever I have completed every part of my plan. I did indeed go to college and get the books I needed from the library and go to the gym and go see Ls new floors.

Today…

College was good today, it just flew by. I was surprised when I realised it was time to go home. We weren’t given as much work as last week so that was good, however we were reminded several times that our personal statements had to be in asap. I’m beginning to really dislike personal statements.

Ls floors look awesome, so well worth the £1,300 she paid. Next on the list is to get some shelves up and buy a cheap sofa for the meantime.

My house is staying surprisingly tidy O.o o.O this is a very rare occurrence, and I’m actually very proud of myself.

The mental side of things…

I got rather stressed tonight; over my personal statement; so I did what I always do in stressful situations and baked some cakes. I made lemon and raspberry and cookie dough icing cupcakes. I think I will take them into college tomorrow so I don’t get more stressed and eat them all. Starting the upping of my meds tonight so we shall see what the side effects are.

Plan…

I plan on going to college again, then graded exposure, then to Ls, then home to study and make dinner.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

The song I started my day to.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

27-30th September 2014

From the 26th…

My plan is to tidy up my entire house and make it perfect for G coming down. I also plan on meeting G at the train station on time (for once).

Well I did tidy my entire house and made it spotless, I did not however make it on time for Gs train.

The last few days…

G was down, hence the lack of postings, it was amazing. I had her here for a whole 4 days and come the end of October, I will get to keep her here for a week. *jumps up and down*

The past few days me and G have been hanging out and cuddling in bed watching True Blood. We also went to Sunderland Pride and had an awesome time there. The drag queen act doing Tina Turner ‘Proud Mary’ was brilliant and I got lots of free pens, support bands and a few other bits and bobs.

Also on Sunday, G finally met my Mum, stepdad and younger siblings. My little sis announced that G was going to love her and that we are not allowed to break up, ever. My little bro was good as gold, with the autism, sometimes he can act up, but he was brill. My mum seemed to like G so all is good.

G nearly missed her train, but it was running 30mins late so she made it and the very nice train worker let me on to the platform to say goodbye properly. She got on the train and I may have sprung a leek but she will be back in 3 weeks. :D

The mental side of things…

Not much happening in the mental health side of things. My meds being upped is really the only thing. I’ve been pretty stable these past 4 days. I’ve got an appointment to see about a new therapy on the 7th, so I’ll have to see how it goes.

Plan

I plan on going to college tomorrow, getting the books I need from the library and going to the gym. Also go up to Ls and see the newly sanded floors.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

26 September 2014

From yesterday…

I plan not to get as stressed out with college tomorrow as I did today and try and stay calm. Also I’m hoping to stay at my mums tomorrow night, so I can hang with my younger siblings and have some quality family time.

I didn’t stay at my Mums, however I did stay calm. I had biology which made me feel much better as I understood everything and the teacher seemed very relaxed.

Today…

College went much more smoothly and I’m feeling a lot more positive. I still feel like I have a lot of work to do, but I feel I can manage it. Also I stayed late at the library. I popped my headphones in and got on with researching uni courses, I was so focussed that when they tapped me on the shoulder and told me to log off, I looked up and realised I was the last one in the there and they were closing.

Me and G are doing great, no arguments and lots of laughs.

L is getting on a bit more with her house, floors get done Monday and she has the handyman/electrician/plumber/gas guy coming out on Saturday to price everything up for her. So thundercats are a go in the house department.

I’m going to do a massive clear out/ tidy in my house for G coming down as my house is a fucking tip. So fun, fun, fun for me tomorrow, however at the end of the day I get to see G :)

The mental side of things…

Today there was another situation involving double booked rooms, so a little bit of stress but it was resolved quickly so little stress. In other news they are upping my meds by 100mg, so joyful.

Plan…

My plan is to tidy up my entire house and make it perfect for G coming down. I also plan on meeting G at the train station on time (for once).

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

25 September 2014

From yesterday…

I plan on having a smooth day at college tomorrow and eating my packed lunch that I angelically made tonight, lookatmebeingallorganisedandshit.

Well I ate my packed lunch, at lunch time and everything. However college didn’t exactly go smooth.

Today…

College was particularly hard today, they gave us a lot of work and a lot of information. We have only been there two days and already have a lot of HW and our UCAS forms have to be in by the 5th November. Which is looking awful close.

Me and G are doing great and she is coming down on Saturday, which is giving me something brilliant to look forward to after a hard few days at college.

I continued the tidying theme today and even washed the dishes I created today. I moved all the dishes and rubbish out of the living room and organised all my college stuff.

The mental side of things…

Today was not a good mental health day. I was completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information thrown at us. Also the fact that we have to choose which courses we want to apply for right now, research them and get the experience we need for them asap. I gave in to the urges today. Not my proudest moment. I didn’t give in to my urges badly and it will heal within the next couple of days. However I gave in and I feel guilty and ashamed.

Plan…

I plan not to get as stressed out with college tomorrow as I did today and try and stay calm. Also I’m hoping to stay at my mums tomorrow night, so I can hang with my younger siblings and have some quality family time.

^.^

B

[mymentalworldaccordingtobek]

Omg help!

College is way harder than I thought. That’s what I get for being arrogant. I thought the course would be a breeze and I would be fine, but after the first two days all I can say is access courses are really frikin hard. They pile on the work and in the first lesson they talk about your application to Uni and how it has to be in within 5 weeks of your start date. I feel like I have been completely blindsided. I feel like I’m drowning.

^.^

B