can we just have a chat?
i just... idk
i know it's been awhile and everything. I think I want to come back to tumblr just to talk things out. My anxiety has been through the roof lately. I don't feel like I can talk to my therapist, I probably can, but yeah it's just been a rough couple of years. Depression and anxiety stay kicking my ass. It's like it never ends. I maybe will find something small that just brightens my life, and then the universe is like "lol nah, that was too much time to pay it back with interest.
i just text my therapist so let's see where that gets me.
but yeah i wanted to chat, and honestly if you're reading this and have a response feel free to respond.
one thing i did want to touch on was the idea of the elderly.
i was working as a CNA in a nursing home, and i knew it wasn't all roses, but damn was it bad. i tried to be a positive light and to do everything i could to make it better but
A. that job doesn't pay near enough. i truly don't see how anyone can work that one job and make bills. i sure as hell didn't.
B. the administration and a good bit of the staff just did not give a singular fuck.
it got to a point so i essentially gave up and went back to food service. i wanted to stick it out and help those people, but i was literally starving myself, scrouging for food, and being poor the entire time. and when i say poor i mean it.
i literally took a 50% pay cut to do that job.
i learned a lot, and realized i want to be a nurse, but it set me back so bad and I'm sort of starting to bounce back a year later. sort of.
but one thing that always irritated my soul: the actual patients.
i guess in part to the lack of care provided to them, a lot of them regress into a child-like mental state. i heard the phrase "once a man, twice a child" and damn did that ring true.
i've tutored and mentored children before, and wooowwww. the similarities were uncanny. it's like my kids had physically grown many years, but were basically in middle school.
it wasn't the case for all of my patients, but it was damn near all of them.
and it's aggravating because you want to tell them "hey you just can't do that anymore! you're gonna hurt yourself! help me help you!"
my blood pressure has been soooo bad, but it's finally calming down. sort of. my doctor is super concerned about me.
oh i forgot to mention i'm now a personal care giver as a part time job. and it's the same thing, only i can do a little more. but it's just as aggravating.
for instance, today:
i get to my patients home. see how he's doing, and start eating my lunch.
i didn't have time to take the first bite before he wanted me to drive to TWO DIFFERENT places for his lunch. did he give me money for his food? did he give me gas money? lolololololol that's funny. and it's not like he even asks, he just starts talking about it.
like i'm fucking poor and i have stated that to him, and he still thinks i can just drop $30 every other day for his lunch.
i will say i kinda fucked up bc he's a close family friend. so i'm in this awkward position to where i can't complain or talk about it. i just feel like i'm going to explode at some point.
oh and when i finally got back, ate my cold lunch, he went on about how a bunch of household chores need to be done.
like sir???? i am a caregiver. the bulk of my job consists of making sure you have assistance where needed in ADLs (activities of daily living). i'm not your fucking maid. i definitely don't get paid enough.
i guess my anger has boiled over since the last big incident with him? i was sitting down and he got up and walked out the door. tbh i thought he was looking at the front garden, he doesn't typically do that, but i know him and his wife were planning on starting it.
i wait a minute and then go out there to make sure he doesn't fall over, but tell me why i open the door, and my fucking car is gone. he legitimately stole my car. i flipped out and called his wife, and we both tried calling him. no answer. she had checked the cameras and saw he hadn't been gone for long. i didn't know what to do, so i was going to call the cops. for reference: he no longer has a driver's license, and cannot legally drive a car, due to his sickness.
i give it another minute, and here he comes in my goddamn car. didn't say a thing, just went to the gas station apparently. no sorry i just needed to get out. no oh hey yeah i just went out. n o t h i n g
i was absolutely furious and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. he later apologized but still (also he has yet to admit the OTHER TIME HE DID IT WHEN I TOOK A NAP AND HE WENT TO GO GET HIMSELF A BURGER. i know i know i took a nap. but the couple have made it abundantly clear if i need to take a nap i can because they know i work 12 hours monday-friday) it pissed me tf off.
like it's MY car. i paid for that hunk of metal. no one else. and it was super unsafe?? what if he had lost control of the car? someone t-boned him? it ran out of gas (again poor, and was in-between paychecks so i had less than a 1/4 tank of gas in it)? it broke down and he had no way to get in touch with anybody ~forgot to mention he had left his phone at the house~
i know i need to forgive and move on. but damn i'm still pissed about it, and whenever he does something aggravating, it brings up the anger all over again.
and my other job ain't no cake walk either. it's exhausting and isn't very consistent. actually the only consistent thing about it? is the fact that i'm gonna get my ass kicked when i clock in from the amount of bullshit i have to deal with.
i'm trying so hard to not crash the fuck out, and that takes a toll on the body. everyday when i get home, i'm out. and on the weekends (which i have now bc for a few months i was working 3 jobs and would have no day off) i just sleep for the entire weekend. maybe getting up to go to the bathroom, drink some water, mAYBEEE eat. mebbe.
especially now, but my life feels like it's going absolutely no where. and then the bad thoughts pop up and it's all just a lot.
okay i think that's enough for now.
i hope that you, dear reader, have a great rest of your day.
