First Kendo fanfic, (granted it had Jade and Daigo in parts of it) it’s not proofed, only read through once. It took a loooooong time to write but I was COMMITTED! Also, a side note, I know the title of the fic is strange but I love the color purple but sometimes, in my mind emotions do have a color, and purple is guilt. That’s why. Anyway, enjoy!!!!
⚠️Warnings ⚠️ definitely a little angsty, copious amounts of guilt? bodily harm from an accident, language, aaaaand that would be it.
Four days. Four days of guilt that hung over your head since the accident. It clung to your bones like a disease that dares to eat you alive if you let it, which you were. Part of it self inflicted due to your own nature of feeling so deeply and intensely, some factors that fed the guilt were other people. Daigo being the main lead in that unfortunate role. What was it that brought all of this on? What was the accident? Kendo typically did demon hunting on his own, sometimes for money, other times simply to just defend the people. That's just the man he was. That he had become. Kendo admits when he needs help, his short coming and four days ago one of those moments where he needed help with a particularly large demon. Daigo, Jade, Hope, Nyanja, and you came to his aid in a heartbeat. The battle didn't last very long once the rest of the “team” showed up. However, demons will always try to have a last word or statement. That statement was to make an attempt to take someone down with it. That target was you. The fowl creature flung its blade into a nearby building, knocking half of its support out making the building buckle. At that moment, all you could do was freeze. The moment felt so slow and yet passed fast enough where you felt like there wasn't time to react.
It was sudden, the feeling of hands and a body wrapping around you, attempting to make a break for it only for the two of you to fall to the ground, trapped beneath a rubble mixture of concrete, iron rods and who knows what else. Opening your eyes, you are met with golden brown ones that seem to struggle to focus. “Are…are you..okay?” He breathed, his voice was shaking horribly, winded was the word that would describe it. A warm droplet fell to your cheek straight from his bleeding head. Immediately your first instinct is to check his injuries but your left arm doesn't move, in fact, it's a sharp pain. Upon closer inspection, your arm was pinned beneath some of the rubble that kept Kendo trapped on top of you. “(you), are you okay?” His words bring your attention back to him. “Kendo, you're bleeding…we, I have to do something.” Kendo shakes his head, “Sh, sh,sh. Listen… I ne…I need you to do me a favor. Can you do that?” His voice, the way he was so calm made your chest ache, fear creeped into the forefront of your mind. “I’m scared, please, please don't leave me.” You say with a quivering voice and tears. He catches his breath, "Don't be scared, I’m not going anywhere okay? I won't leave you in a Kendoless world I promise.” He smiled, taking a moment to catch his breath again, his head lulling forward a little. “I need you to scream, call for help as loud as you can. Keep screaming until we're f-...until we're found.” Kendo’s eyes lull to a close as his forehead bumps yours as he loses consciousness. “Ken. Kendo, no…no, no, no. no.” Trying to inhale with already panicked breath wasn't an easy task but you managed. Screaming out, your warm breath so close to kendo you can feel it come back to you. “HELP! WE NEED HELP! WERE HERE! SOMEONE! PLEASE!” There was a faint response, they could hear you, they weren't exactly close. When the words wouldn't form, you just screamed over and over until they found the two of you trapped.
Hope, Daigo, Jade, and Nyanja all worked together to remove the heavy weight that had trapped the two of you. Kendo was moved off of you, suddenly you realize how hard it had been to breath before. Nyanja helped you sit up, your body ached, mostly your arm, you cried but somehow you didn't feel it, your focus was on the four who sat not far from you. Jade sobbing, as she tried to feel for a pulse. Daigo screams in a way you haven't heard before. “KENDO, KENDO I NEED YOU OPEN YOUR EYES. COME ON, PLEASE, PLEASE YOU CAN’T DO THIS! PLEASE I- I STILL NEED YOU! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU CANT- YOU LEAVE. NOT LIKE THIS.” Daigo’s desperate pleas accompanied with tears. Kendo pulled into Daigo’s arms. His hands put pressure on Kendo’s bleeding head. “We have to get him to Dr. Aki right fucking now!” Daigo carried his brother on his back all the way to the car that Jade had used to get here to help in the fight. Nyanja hauled you up, pulling you along, feet stumbling before he just picked you up and carried you to the car. Daigo and Kendo in the back seat, Jade in the passenger's seat with you, Nyanja driving through the stress. Numbly you sat there, a symphony of tears from Jade and Daigo softly trying to soothe his brother with soft “It’s okay” and “I’ve got you’s” Shogun’s Solitude had a mini medical wing of its own where Dr. Aki stayed, just about the closest and trustworthy doctor there is. Daigo carried Kendo all that way there, Dr. Aki was waiting, apparently Hope had made a phone call in advance, thankfully. The next hours after that were agonizing, Dr, Aki.s nurse splinted your fractured arm while Dr. Aki and his second helper worked on Kendo. Everyone waited hours for an update, sitting outside the room with a breath that was held collectively as a whole.
Dr. Aki, an older gentleman, stepped out of the room with a small smile. “I have good news, Kendo is stable and will be able to make a full recovery from his injuries. His right side took most of the damage, a broken arm, two cracked ribs, and some minor cuts and bruising. No significant damage to the brain or skull as I had initially thought. I believe his unconsciousness is due to physical and mental stress. He will wake up but he does need rest to heal. I will keep him under surveillance should any problems arise.” Hearing all of that should have brought relief but somehow, for you it didn't. Jade hugged Daigo with relief, Nyanja and Hope seemed to relax ever so slightly. Daigo looked at you and your heart sank, gut twisting into a knot. “It should have been you…” He starts, his voice low, eyes burning with the flames of anger that could burn you alive. “It should have been you!” He exclaimed this time. Jade stops him from walking over to you and says, “Daigo please, dont…” Jade pleads with him. “No, absolutely not. Why? Why is it always you? somehow you are always in the equation when things go downhill, somehow you are always there. This is by far the worst thing you've done! You could just move out of the way, you just stood there! WHY?!” Daigo exclaimed his face, a hairsbreadth from yours before he shouts again expecting an answer. It took a moment before you felt you could speak, even with your throat that felt raw and on the verge of closing. “I…I don't know…” You rasp out. “You don't know?” He questions his voice not quite mocking but rather hurt, his eyes glossing over once more. “Of course not, why would you?” In that moment, you realized something, all that hate, all that darkness that threatened to eat him alive wasn't all directed at you. He blamed and hated himself in equal measure. How? You didn't know what exactly he blamed himself for, after all, he was right in your mind. You should have moved, done something. Anything. “You shouldn't even be crying, you don't deserve it. You aren't the one in the medical room because of someone else's incompetence.” Daigo hissed, you hadn't even realized you had begun to cry until you wiped your face and wetness lingered on your arm. He scoffed before he just left, Jade hurrying after him, Hope and Nyanja didn't seem to really know what to say. Mixed feelings that couldn't let them pick a side, granted that's not what this whole ordeal should be about but, people are naturally inclined to pick someone over the other.
Day two wasn't all great either. You begged for forgiveness, desperately wanted it but Daigo would budge, he would speak to you, he wouldn't even look at you. Which made the guilt double down, digging its talons into your flesh. Eventually, you got the hint and left, sat in one of the extra rooms and cried. It wasn't till a little later Jade showed up into the room, sat right next to you as you cried, her knee touching yours, shoulder to shoulder. She doesn't speak for a long time. Just letting you cry as helplessly as you felt. The tears lessened, her presents felt good but also wrong somehow. No words really explained how you felt. “(You),” Jade starts softly, shaking your head you begin to apologize, “I'm sorry Jade, I don't know what happened, I don't know why I didn't move, I just froze.I didn't mean for Kendo to get hurt, I don't- I'm so sorry.” Tears welted in your eyes again even though you thought you had run out of them. “Shh, I just need you to listen to me.” Jade says softly to you ,her fingers interlacing with your good hand. “I will be completely and totally honest with you, I see Daigo’s point, but I also know that people react differently to moments like that…I also know that we do not control Kendo. We don't decide when, who, or how he decides to be heroic. I know Kendo wouldn't regret it in the slightest. He made a choice that doesn't reflect on you. You didn't make him put himself in harm's way.” She takes a breath, “I, when I think about it, I really don't blame you, I know who you are, your heart. Well get past this. I promise.” Silence fell once again for a moment before Jade continued on, “Daigo isn't…he doesn't entirely blame you. I know it seems that way but, he just- he's always taken the role of the older brother very seriously. Things that go wrong in our family dynamic he just, he takes it on like its his weight to bear alone. Like the Oni curse, he thinks if he had just done something, stood in the way, stopped the demon from cursing me, I wouldn't be as I am. I know it's terrible but he is lashing out at you in his own way because he also blames himself in equal measure.” As comforting as her words were, it did little to ease the deep guilt that had taken root.
The two following days were worse, between visiting Kendo, Daigo still avoiding you, the broken arm and being alone with your thoughts was a nasty mix. Anytime you visited Kendo you apologized over and over again even if he couldn't respond, even if he couldn't hear.. He was the one who saved you, he is hurt because if you and you will spend a long time making it up to him making it right. That's how these past four days have been. Agony.
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Third night of restlessness, your body just couldn't get comfortable. Your arm ached because the pain meds hadn't taken effect yet. Your body and mind just wouldn't rest. Partly due to the guilt making your nervous system feel shot with anxiety that just kept you awake. The clock on your phone indicated that it was 3:42 in the morning. Staying in the room felt frustrating and you didn't want to wake Jade or anyone for that matter.Instead, you make your way to the medal recovery room where Kendo was, laying on a futon, head wrapped with gauze that had a small amount of dried blood on it, a gauze around his abdomen for some of the other cuts he got just to keep them protected but not tight enough to hinder his ribs healing process. The only light in the room being a lantern that sat on a desk not too far away.The only sound was his breathing and the soft rain that pelted against the window in a way that felt heavy and dreary. Sitting down at the edge of the futon, your hand takes his. Giving it a small squeeze. Tears fill your eyes again. Even though Dr. Aki assured everyone that Kendo would be okay, there was this nagging paranoia that whispered that he wouldn't wake up. You didn't want to live in a Kendoless world, you'd hate for his siblings to lose him too. How much worse would things be if Kendo does die? A small sob escaped your lips, that would be too much to bear. Head bowed on the futon still holding his hand you sob quietly to no one.
Kendo’s eyes flutter open, vision blurry at first but it clears soon enough to see someone close to him, a warmth enveloping his hand. His golden brown eyes shift to focus on you, sniffling and sobbing helplessly at his bedside. He can't find his voice at first and his body aches too much to move so he sits for a moment. Taking you in, he could see just enough of your face. Puffy red eyes, a blotchy face, puffy lips, eyes that screamed of restless nights, eyes that were consumed with guilt, helplessness and deep ache. Miserable. He hated that look on you. A small smile crept across his lips, reaching, pulling his hand away from yours as he moved it to cup your face. “Now what would a pretty thing like you have to cry about?” His voice is rough from disuse. “How bad is it? Don't sugar coat, I know when you are lying.” Your breath caught as she watched kendo sit up, his question so casual as if nothing had happened, why was she so sad? How bad is it? As if he hadn’t been- as if he…You couldn’t fight the tears. The words that spilled over like a dam being broken. Bowing your head low, taking his hand, his knuckles touching her forehead as you began to speak in broken sobs. “I’m sorry…im so sorry!” Had you just paid attention, had you moved sooner or. anything! Anything to make it to where Kendo never got hurt in the first place."I'm sorry!” You say once more through hiccups, sobs and tears. He was, words could even describe it. Seeing him awake felt so reliving but at the same time, it made you feel equally horrible. He deserved to be okay, he shouldn’t even have…he doesn’t even know anything that had happened in the past days, the guilt, the outburst of Daigo. The strain that hung in the air like a thick fog. or his injuries. “You have cracked ribs, a minor skull fracture, and your right arm was broken…” the list made your heart clench in her chest. Kendo didn’t deserve those injuries. His brows furrow at the display before him. It made his heart clench in his chest. Don't you know him enough to understand that he wouldn't be angry with you? That you wouldn't need to beg for his forgiveness like this?
Moving his hand from your forehead he tills your chin higher to look at you. “Shh, no more.” He says softly, he’ll tell you exactly what he thinks and feels. He won't let you be like this. “I promised you I wouldn't leave you in a Kendoless world. Listen very, closely. I chose to put myself in harm's way to protect you. That's not your fault nor your responsibility to bear. I am a warrior, it is my responsibility to protect those I care about in any way I deem necessary. No matter the cost.” He brushes a tear away from your cheek. “I know you take others' hurt and emotions onto yourself, I know it's tearing you apart to see me like this but I don't want all those feelings to consume you. I need you to be stronger than those feelings.” His eyes warm and kind. He was truly a good man, in every sense of the word but he was wrong. In your mind he was wrong. Daigo was right, you had found that more often than not, it was you who made mistakes often enough to notice. At least Daigo points them out often as they happen. You felt that you were at fault for what felt like most things. Granted all these thoughts that you had before this accident never surfaced, you never told anyone this. That would feel like complaining or throwing a self wallowing party and is never how you wanted to be seen but Kendo is acting like it’s his own fault or choice. As if you had no part in the blame. Shaking your head you quickly come to his defence, “But you’re wrong!” You sob, “It’s because I wasn’t paying attention a that’s why you got hurt so badly.” The true views and deeper feelings that had weighed on you in your mind you had kept hidden over the past four days being exposed to kendo. “It’s me, everything is my fault. I was stupid…I never meant for you to get hurt! I wish I was better, I want to be better.” Your voice trembles, face blotchy, eyes watered, tears streaming down, lips tremble. With the one good arm that wasn’t in a splint and sling. You tried to wipe away the tears, you didn’t want to cry, you shouldn’t be the one crying. You were at fault. “It should have been me…I wish it was me…I wish you hadn’t stepped in…” You take his hand again just holding it with your own trembling hand as your head rested on the futon.
The words struck like a physical blow to his already aching chest. The heartfelt confessions didn't feel so great. “I said before, I will say it again, my choice was not on you.” He repeated.”I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I kept you safe. Do it without question. You are good (you), you are. Everyone makes mistakes, we all have our shortcomings, you always strive to try and do better, to fix whatever mistakes. Your heart is in the right place. I admire that about you. Always have.” Kendo shakes his head. “I would never wish you to take my place, you have no idea what that would do to me if you got hurt. If it was you I could never forgive myself. Ever.” He takes a breath pausing, “Look at me (you). Please, I need you to look at me.” Hesitant at first but you do as he asked, his soft gaze just drinking you in for a moment before he spoke. “No more tears, not tonight. Please, it's making my heart hurt. Let's just rest.” A thought comes to mind making your brows furrow, “What about your siblings?” Kendo did want to see them, truly he did but his head hurt, he felt tired, and didn't have the energy to really do all the excitement and socializing. Not in that quantity. “I would love to, but I don't think I can handle all of that right now. You can get them in the morning. Come lay with me. You sure look like you need the rest anyway.” A small smile graced your lips, “Are you sure?” Kendo nods in confirmation and you shuffle over laying next to him. “So, my right arm is broken and your left arm is broken. I think that means we complement each other. You'll be my right hand and I’ll be your left hand. Sounds like a fair deal.” He quips, taking his left hand and interlacing his fingers with yours. You can't help but laugh a little. “Only you Kendo Seishin would make a joke like that after all that emotional turmoil. Kendo had a small laugh of his own. “Well, It can't rain all the time.” After that, both of you managed to fall asleep. You got a decent rest that was desperately needed, Kendo having the comfort of knowing you were okay. Maybe not entirely emotionally okay but physically you were safe. Emotions and bones can heal. Fade. It will be a process but he knows it will work out all the same.
(Goofy lighting). (No lighting)
