Lost & Discovering

I've been lost in lots of ways but today, I'm discovering who I am, what I like and I'm loving it!

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Help! Such a small little word with a big massive punch! #howiseeit Asking for help was so humiliating for me. With my delusion of being better than everyone and my belief of not being good enough, I hated showing any kind of weakness (which today I know it to be humility). I'd rather fail than ask for help. And when I asked for help, it really felt like a punch in my face. I am a failure punch. Thank Goodness for recovery! Thank Goodness for the people in recovery. I asked for help with all my heart after a year sober, with the obsession to use streaming in my head! What a relief it was. Like the song, doors opened; one of which was recovery! Today my favourite sayings are: I don't know; can you show me? I don't understand; show me what do to; help me please. No shame, no cringing, no humiliation. Simply me being a student of life. 🛐🤗☯️🥰☮ #sobriety #soberlife #recoveryispossible #cleanandsober #recoverjourney #mentalhealth #cocaineanonymous #alcoholicanonymous #soberwarriors #soberliving #drugaddiction #addictionstigma #alcoholismrecovery #alcoholism #recoverywarriors #12steps #twelvesteps #12steprecoveryprocess #onedayatatime #ODAAT #soberissexy #mindalteringsubstances #addictionrecovery #recoveryrocks #cleanandsober #AABigBook #wecanrecover #thereisasolution https://www.instagram.com/p/CIpphTKgRkE/?igshid=1fdalr4dsqd3x

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Love and acceptance! Funny contradiction: we don't demand others to change but we need to change in order to feel love and acceptance for others! 😊 #howiseeit #rebelliousthinker I love some people unconditionally. In order to feel this, I had to change my heart. I accept some people unconditionally. In order to feel this, I had to change my heart. Every day, I learn to accept people, places and things as they are. And if I don't like how them make me feel, I take actions, I don't remain passive anymore; I don't let it take over .... for too long 😉. If I see injustice, if I'm passionate about what's right, I do stand up today. If I want things to change, it starts with me taking the next right action. Today, I'm learning I don't have to like everyone, everything, every time; but I can find love and acceptance for anyone, anything at any time. ☮🥰☯️🤗🛐 #sobriety #soberlife #recoveryispossible #cleanandsober #recoverjourney #mentalhealth #cocaineanonymous #alcoholicanonymous #soberwarriors #soberliving #drugaddiction #addictionstigma #alcoholismrecovery #alcoholism #recoverywarriors #12steps #twelvesteps #12steprecoveryprocess #onedayatatime #ODAAT #soberissexy #mindalteringsubstances #addictionrecovery #recoveryrocks #cleanandsober #AABigBook #wecanrecover #thereisasolution #fromillnesstowellness https://www.instagram.com/p/CIkSR_LAxwk/?igshid=kaa77lmxmgos

[nadzer-sprinkles]

I can't... There's no way... #howiseeit The Little Saboteur in me always looked at the impossibility. And it all started by believe that I'm not good enough. How could it be possible? Hence for years, in my delusion of strength, all I did was run away from the possibilities. I may have been successful in certain areas, but living was impossible without a drink, a drug, more of this, less of that, being this or that way. My expectations were so high, I'd set myself to fell. Today it's a little different! I'm still working with the "love myself" bit but the difference is that I know I can. My recovery journey, the stories of others before and after me show me that there's nothing that can't be done. I don't have to run anymore, I can stay here quietly, take the necessary actions and trust that in some shape or form the possible will happen. It's hope, isn't it start? The idea that it is possibleto hope, that's a good start. ☮🥰♎🤗☯️ #sobriety #soberlife #recoveryispossible #cleanandsober #recoverjourney #mentalhealth #cocaineanonymous #alcoholicanonymous #soberwarriors #soberliving #drugaddiction #addictionstigma #alcoholismrecovery #alcoholism #recoverywarriors #12steps #twelvesteps #12steprecoveryprocess #onedayatatime #ODAAT #soberissexy #mindalteringsubstances #addictionrecovery #recoveryrocks #cleanandsober #AABigBook #wecanrecover #thereisasolution #fromillnesstowellness #justfortoday https://www.instagram.com/p/CIU14k_Af9Z/?igshid=11rkz88azagps

[nadzer-sprinkles]

🤣🤣🤣🤣 https://www.instagram.com/p/CIRC3VYgpS2Dn2xwitn-eTUX8OZotjSOTxWK2k0/?igshid=rzy93w9es8pg

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Thanks @yelyahemer for those super cool designs! Visuals for #howiseeit branding! https://www.instagram.com/p/CIP6MSZgZM7/?igshid=1w1gdc5dsqzja

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Floating high can lead to a harder fall! #howiseeit During my drinking/using career, the higher I got the tougher the come down. So I never wanted to come down, I never wanted to face that moment. I pleaded to the universe to keep me up high. Even when the substances seemed to have stopped working, when I couldn't reach that high, I just kept on trying to climb back up there. In my early clean and sober time, I start "examining" and "analysing" the 12 steps of AA. Unknown to myself then, I kept chasing that high state, which I found in intellectualism, which I confused with spirituality. I floated for a while, higher and higher, and even though I was physically in a 12-step fellowship, I was getting high on my pink cloud, above it all. (If you have an AA 📘, read "Physician, heal thyself! Page 301). The landing was coming and I ignored it. So I crashed miserably wondering what had happened. I was at a crossroad: die, use or give recovery 100%. I was drawn to the latter! I've not have this Seven Pink experience again, thank goodness for that. I still overthink and intellectualise things, that's part of me. I'm also growing in my recovery, practicing what is being shown to me not to chase a high state but to ground me here, in today, in right now. It's ok to experience this pink cloud, just mind yourself on the way down. ☮🥰☯️🤗🛐 #sobriety #recoveryrocks #cleanandsober #peaceandquiet #quietpeace #soberlife #recoverywarriors #addictionstigma #diseaseofaddiction #alcoholism #alcoholismrecovery #wecanrecover #addictionrecovery #aa #ca #12steps #12steprecoveryprocess #recoveryprogress https://www.instagram.com/p/CIAK0AYgBqG/?igshid=pgjwvsaeyx4l

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Is happiness really a decision? #howiseeit #rebelliousthinker #overthinker Happiness was always something I pursued. Writing this in past tense makes me think: am I not in its pursuit anymore? Is being in pursuit the same as missing it each time? Is happiness a goal as opposed to a moment in time? And if it's a goal, then what? This "choose happiness" principle landed on my resentment inventory yesterday, which I shared and discussed. My 1st reaction was: not that easy! As I can be a very black and white type of person in my mind I either am or I am not. Reflecting on it right now, it's not so b&w. Choosing happiness is not the same as being happy. Choosing happiness means standing up under the weight of sadness, adversities, anger, ect. It's asking for the help I need to get up. It's having the courage to say "that's enough". It's having faith that it will pass, whatever it is. Choosing happiness is not a pursuit! It seems to be a step towards solving a problem. It's an action by itself. So, today I choose Happiness! What will your choice be? ☮🥰☯️🤗🛐 #sobriety #recoveryrocks #recoveryispossible #recoveredaddict #recoverywarriors #recoveryprogress #12steps #soberlife #cleanandsober #recoverjourney #addictionrecovery #alcoholismrecovery #addictionstigma #findwhatworksforyou https://www.instagram.com/p/CH7H0rGgbSN/?igshid=g31tta5vl1nw

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Covid free so visit to my gp wearing my new statement mask #wearamask #washyourhands #watchyourdistance #savechristmas https://www.instagram.com/p/CHvVfzJgC7-ZSppLrBZdn6fmMuL7tG5LHPI1zc0/?igshid=uikcgvn6l6s7

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Covid free so visit to my gp wearing my new statement mask #wearamask #washyourhands #watchyourdistance #savechristmas https://www.instagram.com/p/CHvVfzJgC7-ZSppLrBZdn6fmMuL7tG5LHPI1zc0/?igshid=uikcgvn6l6s7

[nadzer-sprinkles]

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Did you know? Such a simple word with a massive impact 🛐🤗☯️🥰☮ #howiseeit #addiction #recovery #hopefaithandcourage #sobriety #soberlife #recoveryrocks #cleanandsober #recoverjourney #recoveryispossible #recoveredaddict #soberlife #recoverywarriors #recoveryprogress https://www.instagram.com/p/CHrqTMQg8H2/?igshid=1q8oz3f14a2q0

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Some days are just sh*t days. #howiseeit You know when you wake up and you just know that today should not exist! Well that was me this morning 🤨. I did a little meditation to calm down, but I think I'd just decided to just be pissed off at the world from the time I opened my eyes. Everyone and everything rubbed me the wrong way from the get go. As the day went on, I quieted down, I was able to stop and breathe. The red anger (unjustified) was slowly tamed, without the thought of opening a bottle of wine or ringing my dealer. Over the last couple of months, my emotions are at the surface, heightened as I stopped my meds (under medical supervision). So it's providing me with the opportunity to re-learning that pause described in the AA big 📘, in step 11. This is a completely different experience, a kind, gentle and loving one as well as a grateful one: when I get to it before and when I don't, which right now it's more often than none 🤭🤭🤭. So today, yeah it was a bad day, my reactions and attitudes were a little off; however, I'm clean and sober another 24 hrs and I'm putting my head on my pillow with a little more growth in my heart and soul. 🛐🤗☯️🥰☮ #sobriety #recoveryrocks #recoveryispossible #recoveredaddict #recoverywarriors #recoveryprogress #soberlife #peaceandquiet #quietpeace https://www.instagram.com/p/CHgT7UNjnMN/?igshid=7ml3w4d13ay3

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Fear and courage are best friends, and they know it more than we do. #howiseeit We see that in movies, when someone is scared, they either run into a dark alley or are petrified. And I scream at the screen: "No don't go there you idiot" or "Run you idiot". In real life, I was always scared: of being punished, of being caught, of being bad, of being weak, of being. And I was the idiot: running or petrified. I'd entangle myself into a web of lies and excuses. I'd seek refuge to this deluded sense of security. And at the same time I'd truly believe I was courageous in facing hardships head-on. That state was all I knew, the only way I lived from a the get go; that was the only way to stay alive. In the 4th step of AA, it talks about making a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. Say what now? Fearless? Oh sh*t! I'm now clean, I've made a decision to take the necessary actions to recover, but yet I'm petrified and I want to run at the same time. Fearless is not a state I know yet. I used to say: took me 4 weeks to write my 4th. Well it didn't, I remained petrified for 4 weeks and it then took me about 3 hrs to write it. Putting pen on paper was that one moment of fearlessness, starting writing was that tiny courageous action. Today, I still have fears, they crop up, they're not gone. But, through the progress of recovery, courage is present. Every now and then some fear awakes to signal me that something is wrong. Then courage helps me not to run away from it, to walk with it, chat with it, listen to it. I don't have to be afraid of fear anymore. 🛐🤗☯️🥰☮ #recoveryispossible #recoveredaddict #cleanandsober #recoverywarriors #peaceandquiet #soberlife #sobriety #recoveryrocks #hopefaithandcourage https://www.instagram.com/p/CHZofpUAo2j/?igshid=d5c8dsv1fgrg

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Duality is the situation in which two opposite ideas or feelings exist at the same time. #howiseeit Such an interesting word. It is a word that came into my vocabulary only a couple of weeks ago, via a comment one my one my posts, and then a few days later via a daily reflection sent from a friend. Through meditation and discussion, it popped in again yesterday. For so long, I just wanted to be happy, to be normal, to not have to fight, to be accepted, to be better, to be a good mum, to be what society is conditioning all of us to be. For so long I refused to believe at had good moments, that I was a good person, that I was doing my best. For so long the chase of "normalcy" created this ongoing inner conflict, which torn me apart, which created so much pain, pain I self-medicated away, pain that I ate away, pain that I shopped away. I wanted it, whatever "it" was, all white, when all I could see was all black. There were no balance, I had no balance. I had a false sense of what balance is. I had a good and bad concept, but they couldn't be at the same time. It had to be one or the other. It took me some time to realise that one cannot be without this other, that actually two opposites must be together to be whole. Duality is not a fight to get rid off what is deemed bad, it's not having this concept of happy and better win. For me, it's simply accepting any and all aspects of me at anytime: the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the serene and the anxious, the calm and storm. I don't care today to chase that state of happy and good all the time, for me it's not balance, it's fighting. I find peace in my duality, when I let me exists as I am. ☮🥰☯️🤗🛐 #sobriety #recoveryrocks #cleanandsober #recoverjourney #recoveryispossible #peaceandquiet #12steps #recoveredaddict #soberlife #soberliving #drugaddiction #alcoholism https://www.instagram.com/p/CHXJIgKAtPF/?igshid=1uiiwfj0ppqo7

[nadzer-sprinkles]

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Might change my hoodie as the day goes on 🤣💖 https://www.instagram.com/p/CG9iF39AvwZTEU5ol7Xjx-7e3A5gH3rEq7CZsM0/?igshid=5j0cvdry0h6p

[nadzer-sprinkles]

Snuggled in bed on a Zoom meeting #quietspace #quietheart https://www.instagram.com/p/CG5rX4OgjAZG7CawPQuCPguIHQvqI9i9GpFwWs0/?igshid=s5ql12z12kxl