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@norysanecdotes
It’s weird how everyone hating you when you’re nine years old still affects your self esteem when you’re 26 like yeah nobody came to my birthday party but that was like 17 years ago why is it stopping me from going to a gay bar
The human brain needs the ability to be recalibrated faster. Yeah we’ve been doing this healing process for like six or seven years now make it snappy hurry it up
What kind of life could I live if every time I feel good I have to inspect that and rip it apart to see if it's mania and psychosis.
Growing up, I wasn't typically included in things socially. I don't think I was a pleasant kid to be around, I was autistic and undiagnosed for it and my main template for good human interaction was my grandparents, who would bicker and even be outright mean to each other. I thought that was what people who liked each other were supposed to do, so I brought that energy into my childhood social life. I went through friends really fast because I'd go too far and eventually it seemed everyone gave up on trying and I didn't understand how I was the problem.
So I was often excluded. This just escalated and eventually got worse to a degree that I pinpoint as a major dissociative disorder solidifying breaking point but up until that point and even after, I refused to shrivel up and make myself small.
I spent a lot of time not allowing people to exclude me. I would enter into things and make it hard to ignore me. I would take, trample social cues, make myself big and bright and hard to ignore. To some extent I thought I deserved this as some sort of clever payback for being cruel to me, to another extent I knew that if I didn't fake confidence until it became real I'd just crumble.
When I did have friends that stuck around they were people who wanted to listen to me. People who wanted to watch something bright and loud and found me entertaining, which further reinforced this behavior.
I'm putting the pieces of me back together after I've spent some years milling about in misery and pain and I find this bright and loud person coming back, that person who is so used to just plucking up things that they want. And now I'm in a point in my life where I both don't need that behavior and it's stifling to those I care about -- I'm finding it very hard to turn that off.
That's it that's the journal entry.
How is anyone ever sure of anything like facts about themselves or things that they like.
Desperately rises from the dead to feverishly speak
(Cw s/h, school related trauma, physical abuse?, sexual harassment mention)
Hey. One time in 5th grade a substitute teacher hit me. She used a small stack of papers and it wasn't very hard. She didn't like the thing I said to her and used this motion to dismiss the (maybe kinda snarky) thing I said and it felt really bad.
I told my mom that this happened and she was really upset that a teacher hit me in any manner. I didn't really care too much that I was hit, it just felt kinda bad and I felt embarassed. She didn't harm me, I didn't even feel bad about the act of her hitting me, it was the embarassment that came with it.
But, my mom was mad that she hit me. So my mom kicked up a fuss.
It was handled very well. I sat down with the principal and the teacher and we talked and she apologized and it was a really good conversation where my feelings were validated and it was handled with grace and understanding for everyone involved.
The next week, I was called back down to the office. I remember everything down to what I was wearing. This time I went in to talk to the vice principal, who had a reputation for being a hardass.
With no apparent knowledge of the previous constructive conversation, the vice principal proceeded to tell me about how horrible it was that I was trying to make this woman lose her job and how I was wasting everyone's time over something so small.
I got sent into the main public goddamned lobby of the office to "calm down" because I was crying so hard I couldn't speak. I was apologizing to anyone I saw. I just would not stop crying. I could not calm down.
The main principal took a bit to realize what had happened but I was at this point missing my lunch period. The principal let me calm down in private and got me a grilled cheese from the lunch room and I think I ended up needing to go home.
Anyway about three weeks ago I reported a coworker for a sexual joke that I rubbed me the wrong way and just being told that the way I responded to the joke was "also inappropriate" broke me to the point I needed to leave work for the day and put me in an acute episode that is still realistically ongoing.
I feel bad about everything all the time, even situations that go very well, because I keep thinking there's going to be someone else who is actually very mad at me.
I am rawdogging my (indeterminate) mood disorder (jury is out on whether its psychotic MDD, bipolar 1, or schizoaffective), my adhd, my autism, and the dissociative disorder I was so desperate to have that I went searching for it way before I should have, I haven't been stable since fucking January, and I keep getting flashes of lucidity that slip through my fingers and the only thing that's helping is self harm.
I may have lost a life changing job opportunity because I was having violent flashbacks during the interview and could barely get a word out. I have been scaring my partner with my mood elevations to several very drastic breaking points and I think if he hadn't broken down to me earlier this week and we kept at it like this for six more months I probably would've driven us both into permenant solutions because I get so fixated on solutions and fixing the problem that I just kept throwing my face at fucking fixing everything and I've been making his life hell for some months now.
I'm unmedicated, I don't have insurance, all I have is my income from my full time job.
I think I can make it through. It's so scary but I think I can make it through, I'm just terrified for the things I might break in my attempts to just exist and survive.
So that's Nory's anecdote for today.
autism screening quizzes will be like “do you take things too literally” and then ask fifty of the worst-worded questions ever dreamt up by man
going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:
There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’
like wow babe. good fucking point
my tags got greenlit so here:
so like. when the people who are supposed to love you…don't. #when the people who are supposed to take care of you, fail to.... you can look for answers and reasons and explanations. but that's not actually going to FIX your situation. and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation (and definitely not your job). because you don't need answers--you need a new situation *inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme*
(and yes. walking out isn't always possible. but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap.)
stepping away from the people who failed to love you…it feels like being untethered, but also like being lighter than air. new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust. like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be—when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole
I gotta say, one of the greatest achievements of my 20s was that I learned (mostly) to differentiate between:
"I truly do not want to go" and
"I'm just feeling the Demand Avoidance, and I will like it once I get there."
Well, goodness, this one resonated much more than I was expecting. I mean, I get it. My mind was also blown wide open when I found out "demand avoidance" was a thing that existed, and that I'm not the only weirdo in the world who suddenly wishes it wasn't her birthday after anxiously waiting for her birthday for days.
Loads of people in the tags are asking how I do it? I feel this won't be groundbreaking advice, but here is what I have learned:
Previous experience. Really no way around it. Now that I hit thirty, I feel like I have done enough things to know, intellectually, from experience, what will feel nice if I overcome the avoidance, and what won't. For example, every time I go to the beach, I wake up early and would rather eat a tire than get off the bed. But I remember that every time I got up and went to the beach, I was glad I did it. So I just get up, feeling like shit, and get ready, feeling like shit, and I get to the beach and magic!! I feel great, I love the beach!! Sometimes you just gotta do it scared feeling kinda like shit.
Am I avoiding the thing or getting to the thing? I have a lot of demand avoidance around just, y'know, getting up, getting ready and going out the door. Universal human experience. If I notice that doing the actual thing (Swim in the pool!) sounds nice, but I'm avoiding having to rally myself to go do that (Fetch swimsuit! Sunscreen! Towel!), then I know it's demand avoidance and I should just fucking go.
Is the thing making me feel excited at all or just anxious? I have had previous occasions when I did the opposite; I convinced myself it was just demand avoidance when I really just. Hated the thing. And wanted to stop. If you feel a mix of excitement and dread, or excitement and anxiety, that might be demand avoidance. But if thinking of doing the thing just makes you feel actively anxious, then yeah. You don't want to do the thing.
Do the thing a little bit. Used often with dishes. I've seen this advice float around Tumblr a lot and it's correct. Commit to doing just a bit of the thing; a little bit of the thing; the smallest bit of the thing you can do. Getting started will make it clear right away if you don't want to do it (and in that case, you have permission to stop), or if you just having trouble getting started.
Well dang if this ain't me
Oh no! They almost were spared the denial of their system! How horrible! 😱 /s
You know, communication and stabilization is part of the healing process, right? It's the FIRST part in the three phase model typically used to treat DID. The second phase, dealing with trauma, isn't usually touched until that stabilization is reached.
How is acknowledging your plurality and identifying as endogenic for a short period supposed to be more harmful than denying your system AND trauma both?
This anon is a victim of sysmed ideology!
They denied their whole system because of anti-endos.
How does this get twisted into endogenic systems being harmful?
It's just "how dare you identify as lesbian/gay when you said you were bisexual" and "how dare you change your label from nonbinary to trans man" all over again.
People are allowed to try on labels and then discard them as they figure out more about themselves. It's important to let go of that fear of being "wrong", because finding a label useful for a while and then discarding it once you find out more about youraelf and it no longer fits, is harmless.
However, actively rejecting the idea that you could be in the umbrella category that fits you (queer, genderqueer, plural, neurodivergent, etc), because you think there's One Right Way to be that identity and you're worried you don't fit it perfectly, or that you'll be a predatory invading oppressor appropriating the struggles of "real" [people in that group] just by trying to figure yourself out, or that you might be "wrong" and actually be something else?
That can and does harm people.
I am sad for the anon in the screenshot. I wish someone could have told them that they're not stepping on any toes by identifying as plural, ever. That there are spaces that would have accepted them if they didn't disclose their origin, if they identified as quiogenic, if they identified as traumagenic without being sure if they had trauma, if they identified as endogenic and later changed their label to traumagenic when they realized endogenic didn't fit them - that all people in those spaces needed to hear to be welcoming and accepting is "I'm a system".
I even feel bad for the person replying. It's hard not to be angry, too, but we're trying to be more compassionate. They're misinformed, but hopefully not actively malicious. Maybe they themselves identified as endo before discovering trauma and wish they could have recognized and started healing from it sooner.
I wish I could tell them that the reason they didn't know sooner was very likely their brain and system trying their best to take care of and protect them. I wish I could tell them that it's not fair that they went through any of what they endured, and that I can only hope they were in a safe and stable place when they did discover the trauma.
I wish I could tell them even if they were aware of trauma and then later started suppressing or denying it, that it's no one's fault. Some things are so awful and horrific that we don't want to believe they could have happened to us, and clinging to any possibility we might be wrong about it is a survival mechanism and a protective, if sometimes maladaptive, coping skill.
I also am incredibly angry that they are blaming my dear friends for a very normal response within a terrible situation and acting like it invalidates their existence.
I don't know how to reconcile the two, I'm too scared to tell them this, and I'm not sure it would actually be effective and not just written off as "concern trolling" anyway.
But I'm doing my best to assume good faith where I can, so I hope any antis who see this will do the same for us. We're a mixed origin DID system with significant trauma. We really do have some understanding of the pain and the struggles of being a traumagenic and disordered system. It's NOT easy. It's NOT fair that some systems* are plural without everything we face. It's just also not their fault that they don't and we do.
(*systems who are both endogenic and nondisordered. systems who are endogenic and disordered, usually due to later trauma, share a lot of our struggles. systems who are traumagenic but nondisordered are usually systems that HAD dissociative disorders and achieved functional multiplicity, and thus can at least relate to us via past experiences)
There's only one real way to categorise disorders and it's when you google it and the first results fit into one or more of the following categories:
1. "Is your child-" "Does your child-" "How to cope with the burden of being a parent for-"
2. "How to get better: Step One: have a lot of money!" "How to get better: Step One: simply stop having it!"
3. "10 Ways To Spot Sickopaths With This Disorder So You Can Protect Yourself" "The Bad People Disease -by Dr. Eugene X."
Related to 1 is 4:
"The senior's guide to--" "Caring for an elder with--" "What to do if your parent has--"
It must be awful to have had parents who never told you they loved you. But there is something particularly horrible about having terribly abusive parents who DID. My parents couldn't stop telling me how much they loved me. All day, every day, "I love you I love you I love you." I used to think "it must be horrible to have emotionally distant parents, I'm so lucky." But they were killing me. They treated me like shit. They lied to me and manipulated me and acted like everything was okay. They didn't love me, or at least not in any way that truly mattered. We were "close" way past the point of healthy. "I love you" made it harder for me to see what was really happening. If someone tells me they love me, I have no idea what to expect from them. They took all the meaning out of those words.
Something about having parents who told you regularly that they loved you, but having the constant horrible knowledge that it was conditional - that the you that they love so much isn't you at all, but an idealised version of you that they created in their heads.
kill the shift manager in your brain
you are not wasting time you are vibing. you are not being unproductive you are literally chilling. make a grill cheese with cheddar cheese and slather a piece of the bread with some honey and maybe you'll relax
Innes Keeper's Formula For Fantastic Grilled Cheeses (for nearly no extra spoons!)
Are you hungry? Do you have a hankering for grilled cheese sandwiches like, way more than a normal person maybe? Great news! I am about to give you the secret knowledge I stole, like Prometheus himself, from the Akashic Records—to bring back to Prudencia! And I’m even doing it without a ten hour long lecture about how the Akashic Records makes me think of idfk, 9/11, and how that relates to sandwiches.
I will, however, briefly say this: You gotta trust me when I say cooking grilled cheeses via this formula WILL grant you Bloodborne Insight. There is no fucking reason that making a grilled cheese this fucking delicious should be this fucking easy. I feel like I’m cheating God every time I do it because it takes (nearly) no extra spoons. And here’s where I show you why.
Scientifically Proven Perfect Extremely Easy Grilled Cheese
INGREDIENTS — SEASONINGS -butter, i usually use 2 or 3 tablespoons per sandwich -garlic cloves, I use 3 usually -a source of heat, like red pepper flakes, or szechuan peppers -a source of spice OR a source of sweetness, such as dijon mustard or honey. slather that motherfucker on a slice of your bread. -a source of herbiness, such as oregano, thyme, sage, rosemary, etc in any combination that goes well together or on its own. if someone tries to tell you that you need it fresh, they’re fucking lying, the 2$ crushed powdered sage is fucking great. experiment with other spices such as ground turmeric if you're spicy
INGREDIENTS - THE METAPHORICAL MEAT OF THE SANDWICH -two slices of bread per sandwich. this is actually a massive influence on your sandwich taste and texture as a whole. a basic white or wheat will still be fucking delicious because like I said, I stole this from the Akashic Records cookbook section and found it under “fucking perfect grilled cheeses forever”. However, if you CAN—getting bread like brioche, texas toast, brown bread, rye, or sourdough will make a sandwich already being elevated super easily to “pay 23 dollars at a fancy restaurant” level of elevation.
-one to three types of cheese per sandwich. you can get away with one type but really try for two or three if you can swing it. this is also one of those massive influences over the sandwich—listen, i know, that’s obvious, but stay with me—what matters isn’t the SPECIES of cheese, it’s the TYPE of cheese. getting the deli at your local Safeway or Walmart or whatever and asking for the cheese they gotta cut (or just in general the fancier, better-quality cheeses) is literally the only major requirement that I ask of you. If you are on SNAP/EBT programs, me too, and I promise you: Please do this. Please trust me when I say do not get the cheap Kraft-type cheese because it’s less money. I know it’s a bit extra but it’s only a bit to get like 1/4 or 1/3lb and you have no idea how much I’m actually getting a little emotional about this, because the “rice with butter and beans or top ramen every single day” life is soulsucking and sickening and it is genuinely one of the greatest sources of suffering to human beings I can imagine, I’m serious. Following this formula will genuinely change your life/mental health just a bit because you know that you have one meal that is super delicious, super filling, pretty damn cheap when it comes to how much you get, and super easy to make on days where the idea of doing more than just 15 minutes MAX is gonna make you wanna die.
super sorry for that paragraph btw i just really cannot overstate how this is a lifechanger especially when youre poor/low spoons/depressed. delicious food makes me not be as depressed. this is that.
METHOD
Take garlic cloves and crush them either with the meat of your palm or the flat of a knife or literally anything that would crush good. Take bread slices and put a source of spice or sweetness if you are using one. take a pan and put it on the stove on low-medium heat (aka a 2 out of 10).
Place the butter in the pan, as well as the garlic cloves, the source of heat, and the source of herbiness. Congratulations you have now literally done ALL the extra effort that you need to make a grilled cheese like this. That’s it. No extra dishes. No fussing with amounts or chopping or whatever. That’s it.
The butter will melt in the pan and soak up the delicious ingredients that you also put into the pan. Take each slice of bread and place it in the pan to butter it, OR just take one slice, place the cheese on it, and then put the other bread on. It’s really just a matter of extra effort.
When the bread is in the pan, turn it up to medium heat (5 out of 10) and just sorta let it sit for a bit. When you can see the cheese start to get visibly melty—or when you vibecheck it—flip it once and just do the same thing.
When you’ve grilled your cheese on both sides, take it out of the pan and put it on a plate (or just a paper towel to save on dish spoons. btw paper plates and plastic utensils are a fucking godsend if you hate dishes and/or can’t do them very easily/takes a lot of effort.)
That’s literally it. I really hope this helps.
outta my way gayboy im making this sandwich
oh. oh my god. holy fuck. what. how. why. this is delicious. i kinda burned my bread and my cheese didnt melt all the way but it's still the best thing ive ever tasted?????
oh my god. this is so fucking good. the butter melting and absorbing the spices and herbs already smelled amazing, but then i threw the bread on and it started smelling EVEN BETTER. then i took a bite. holy FUCK this is better than sex. i legitimately believe that Innes Keeper stole this shit from Prometheus, there's no other way to explain why this is so easy to make, yet so FUCKING good, other than cheating a god.
I didn't steal it from Prometheus he's my trophy husband!
ok me and my partner went back and made this. exact words upon eating were “we’ve cheated god” and “i feel like my world just got rocked” and then we were both energized to get back to drawing. proof:
please make innes keeper’s scientifically proven perfect extremely easy grilled cheese
I'M PUTTING THIS ON THE FRIDGE (WHERE I KEEP ALL MY CHEESE)
I jsur made this and oh my god. oh my fucking god. holy fucking shit. oh my great heavens. good lord. holy hell.
honey....put the honey on the inside of the sandwich D:
I'm having to take a mental health course for work and every time it defines mental illness it always includes "impairment of work performance," (they, without fail, always put work performance first on the list) "relationships, or participating in usual activities" and I really feel like we're not going to get anywhere with mental health awareness if we keep obstinately refusing to acknowledge the importance of people's internal realities and experiences - you know, the actual mental health part
When you tell people the important thing is not how they feel, but how they externally function, they will bury their feelings and focus on appearing outwardly mentally healthy until they destroy themselves from the inside out
Mental health isn't important because it makes people more productive. It's important because people deserve to live happy and fulfilled lives. Telling people that their happiness is only relevant insofar as it impacts their productivity is so harmful
mental disorders are just names which group together observed experiences as made visible by psychiatric institutions and i wish this was more widely understood theyre not like some ontological attribute in your brain
Yes! Animal alters are a thing in DID
First, no, /u/PrincessPanqake, you didn't give either research or experience because you had no sources and don't have DID.
But sure! Here are five actual case studies!
All it took was a short search on Google Scholar to easily debunk your misinformation.
But it really shouldn't have taken even that. The existence of the Otherkin community proves that anyone, even singlets, can identify as animals and nonhumans. "It's literally impossible for any alter to identify as nonhuman" is a bad take even if you know absolutely nothing about DID.
A few things on /u/PrincessPnaqake's second comment here...
First, thinking you may be transgender doesn't mean someone is faking, and I shouldn't have to point out how transphobic it is to suggest that "transgender = liar."
Second, there is no "too young" to be diagnosed. It is rarer to be diagnosed as a minor, but it does happen.
Third, yes, an internal representation can shift because what you identify as isn't tied to the physical body.
Fourth, no, more than 6 alters isn't rare and adolescents actually are more likely to report more alters.
The typical patient who is diagnosed with DID is a woman, about age 30. A retrospective review of that patient’s history typically will reveal onset of dissociative symptoms at ages 5 to 10, with emergence of alters at about the age of 6. Typically by the time they are adults, DID patients report up to 16 alters (adolescents report about 24)
What was it you said?
PLEASE STOP HURTING THE COMMUNITY OF THE UNWELL!
Stop fakeclaiming people with disorders you clearly know nothing about and have done zero research into. Especially when these disorders are heavily associated with depersonalization and derealization, where fakeclaiming can be especially harmful.
And /u/Catt_the_cat, maybe don't tell a child abuse victim to listen to the adults around them?
If you want to be an ally, this is NOT how you go about it.
I'm 27 and including me, the host, there are 22 of us. Of those 22, 7 aren't human. Anyone that tries to tell me they aren't valid, has to deal with me first and then them.
Also, definitely don't tell your parents about this is they're the reason you have it. I know if I told my parents, they would gaslight me and deny that I'm mentally ill. It would only make things worse.
