Violet Skylander

I like my privacy, so I share here anonymously. Hoping to bleed my heart out where only strangers can see, so that all the pain, anguish, or even happiness will not drown me.

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

This Summer

I used to hate the summer

Just because of the heat

Now I have more reasons

That make me lay down in defeat

I used to hate the summer

Because in it I would melt

Like a nice cold ice cube

I'd dissolve within myself

But now I hate the summer

Because now it's missing two

Important people that were constants

Which before, the meaning, I never knew

I mean one, at least, is only absent

The other one is gone, literally

At least with one I can occasionally

Have a semblance of stability

But now on top of all of this

The grief and loss and again more to grieve

I am faced with an old dilemma

Of how to wear my sleeves

I used to hate the summer

For rhe heat would make me ill

But now I hate the summer

For the secrets my sleeves may spill

Grief and loss and long sleeves

All tied up carefully into one

This summer is not just hard to bear now

It's become hotter than the sun

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

To Stop The Voices

TW: SH

Can I tell you a secret?

I'll whisper it in your ear

About the thin red lines

That suddenly appeared

They appeared in the night

When I couldn't hide from what I fear

When all the voices in my head

Made sure I could clearly hear

They reminded me of how dark

And lonely I am deep down inside

They told to me the darkest things

They whispered so loud, truths mixed with lies

I held in my tears and sobs

I choked them down like bad food

I didn't want them used against me

Like everything else, misunderstood

But those voices are heartless

They have no care for woman nor man

They have no sympathy or empathy

With all they "know", they truly don't understand

They got so loud, I'd swear

That they were yelling all around me

How no one else awoke to the sound

I thought was absolutely astounding

But with a flash of silver sharpness

From an old friend that never failed

The only one who betrayed me

By being a constant when others bailed

It sliced through all the madness

So deep it cut my skin

And formed familiar lines

So darkly beautiful and thin

What I thought that once was over

The cycle did, again, begin

Of quieting the voices

With red ribbons that have no fin

So, can you keep a secret?

Can you make sure to tell no others?

Who am I kidding? Who'd you tell?

I now have no sister nor no brothers

The only one who'd care

Has joined the voices in my head

Formless and in darkness

When he should be present, not dead

Maybe that's unfair

Maybe my mother would mind

Or maybe she'd be silent as always

She's mostly silent now, even when I'm crying

I have no idea when the ribbons,

Made of liquid life, will stop being made

But I know that this stops the voices

Though it's a heavy price to be paid

I don't want to join the formless

Or the ghost that now haunts my every day

But this is what I am willing to give

To stop hearing what the voices say

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Your Firework

I shatter across the sky

Lighting up your face

On the darkest of nights

I somehow find my place

I spread myself brightly

With a paintbrush of fire

To brighten your night

In times that seem dire

I explode in an ordered display

Curated for your delight and pleasure

Trying to match the stars with my light

To make myself at least a memory to treasure

All my hidden insides

Are turned out and somehow

They make something beautiful

With a bang and kapow

I turn myself into

What I hope and pray

Will make you remember

Me forever and a day

Maybe you'll tell your children about me

Maybe they'll be ours to share

Maybe I'll be just a memory you hold dear

One that you pack away with gentle care

Whatever the case may be

I will continue to scatter myself with reckless abandon

Across your night sky shining down on your face

None of my color bursts and explosions are random

I turned myself into a delightful display

A whimsical parade that shines on your face

That bright light in your eyes of pure and simple joy

I am yours, memory or forever, to delight in and enjoy

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Your Ghost

I spent hours talking to you

And you didn't hear a word

You seemed to answer questions

That you never heard

I ranted for an hour

Vented for two more

And I cried for thirty minutes

Until my throat was sore

I rambled on for awhile

I gabbed and gossiped too

I spilled all of my secrets

Because I've always felt safe with you

I turned my insides outward

And I peeled back the outer shell

I broke down every wall inside

I let you see my inner hell

Then as time went by

I begin to notice here and there

That your responses weren't really responding

You seemed to have a vacant stare

You never touched me once

With a comforting hand

Your laughter never reached your eyes

My jokes never seemed to land

I thought it was just me

I'm not always easy to understand

But then slowly I reached over

And tried to touch your hand

My fingers went right through you

As if you were a vapor or pure mist

And suddenly my heart dropped

And my stomach gave a sharp twist

I'd been sitting for hours with you

The person I have missed most

I thought I finally had found time with you

But I was only sitting with your ghost

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

If I Did...?

If I could, I'd dissipate

Like a sea spray on the breeze

If I could, I'd choose to not participate

Just cave in on myself and not breathe

But I'm expected to show up

It's expected for me to continue

I'm meant to keep moving forward

Even though, it's not currently in my purview

My breath hitches with each trigger

Even the ones I didn't know exist

You'd think by this time I'd have figured out

How to make the responses cease and desist

An ache has formed in my chest

I think it's become a chronic issue

And with every passing problem that arises

I am finding the constant need for a tissue

How do I breathe? How do I believe...

That doing so even matters anymore

I'm not saying I want to die

I just don't know if I can take much more

One blow after another

Each one hammering me down

Waves of emotions and turmoil

Have me adrift in a sea trying to make me drown

I pull myself up on passing driftwood

I paddle endlessly for land I cannot see

All the while wondering

If I disappeared, would it matter only to me?

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

For A Moment

For a moment I saw Heaven

In the clouds up above

Shining sun behind them

Peeking out like a toddler does

For a moment I saw Heaven

It waved and smiled at me

And maybe for just a moment

My heart found a quiet peace

Some will say, "It's just the sunset"

And maybe what they say is true

But I'd swear to you I saw pearly gates

And for an instant, maybe, you

If I had squinched up my eyes

Tilted my head at the perfect angle

Maybe I would have seen all who've passed

Maybe I would have seen the angels

All I know is...

For a moment I saw Heaven

And now my heart is aching

Whether or not it was just a sunset

Matters not for now my heart is re-breaking

For a moment I saw Heaven

Oh, what does it matter if it's true?

For a moment I saw Heaven

When all I want to see is you

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

The Raging Sea

Waves of salty water

Crash over me inside

A tumultuous sea of feelings

That have caught me in their tide

I see the distant shore

Each time I surface for air

But I'm sucked down with the current

While others stand on the shore, unaware

"I'm drowning," I would cry out

If only I could catch a breath

I flail my arms helplessly

While the sea waves gently caress

If anyone could see me

If anyone could hear

The silent scream I'm screaming

Would they even care?

Or would they try to placate

With meaningless platitudes

With gentle mhm's and uh-huhs

Then leave me in my drowning solitude

I asked for help, I swear

Even when I couldn't speak

I screamed it through my eyes

With tears that quietly leaked

I tried to make it clear

As clear I could be

But how can you ask for help

When you're only internally drowning?

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

The Greenhouse Is In Danger

Flowering feelings

In a house made of glass

They'll shatter me quickly

If they don't soon pass

Dig up the soil

Tear out them out by the roots

Before the feelings take hold

And the invasive species gets loose

It will take over the garden of my heart

And the vines will crawl up the sides

Of the greenhouse it is encased in

And shatter everything from the inside

Bring out the weed killer

Pull out all the stops

Smother them with darkness

Don't let them get one sunlight drop

Carry them out carefully

Don't let a single root stray

I don't want to see them pop up

Like a bad penny, again, one day

I never asked for them to bud

I never wanted them to blossom

I never tried to water and fertilize them

It's really best if we just toss 'em

Maybe I'm wrong, it's possible

Maybe they'd grow into something

That was wonderful and beautiful

A sight to see, sure, but that's nothing

In comparison with what a devastation

Letting them grow could do

It's better safe than sorry

To throw out how I feel about you

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

You Promised

I painted the sky with your words

It came out the colors of a sunset ending

I dusted the sky with everything you did

It turned into a mess of star spatterings

I hung on your every word

But most importantly, those two

They made me believe in things

That could NEVER be true

I breathed in every breath you exhaled

I embraced every promise you made

I engraved into myself your every ideal

Not a care for the consequences paid

Now sitting in an empty room

Memories are my only company

I'm haunted by the ghost of you

And everything you promised me

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Precious Sea

The wind at the beach

A soft and subtle breeze

The waves on the shore

They've always set me at ease

The hot and scorching sun

In winter, bringing warmth

In summer, causes me stress

Instead of my comfort being restored

I have come to find

A feeling building up inside

Wrapped in the sea breezes

But burning me alive

Like wet sand, it sticks to me

Like the sea water, it hints at salty tears

It threatens to pull me under with its currents

Into the unknown that fuels many fears

So much could go wrong

The possibilities make my heart race

Like a surfer riding a wave

The thrill makes me want to let curiosity chase

I look into the ocean

I see in it, your eyes

And into the waves I fall

The frothing bubbles a testament to my demise

I did not choose to care for

The calming waves or shifting breeze

But I also did not expect to find

That you are becoming my precious sea

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Photosynthesis

There is a certain feeling

Rising up inside

It makes no sense

And, from it, I can't hide

I made no effort

To cultivate its growth

There was no watering done

Just Denial serving as its sun

The soil that this feeling

Chose to root itself in

Was dry and like a desert

But had the memory of how to grow within

I sighed when I realized

What had begun to grow

I sighed and photosynthesized

But, to my chagrin, it begged to be known

So now in a desert

In a wasteland I thought I'd forever know

An oasis has risen up

With an openess I'm afraid will show

So, I cover it up

I camouflage it as best I can

I can no longer pretend it isn't there

But I can deny others of seeing it in this land

Maybe it will dry up

The ground will once again blister and burn

My fear that it may be discovered

Causes my stomach to abruptly turn

There is nothing to be gained

By hiding this feeling deep inside

But the chance of what it could cause

Good or bad, makes me wish to photosynthesize

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

When Two Galaxies Collide

When two galaxies collide

The stars are scattered

The planets go off-kilter

The black skies are splattered

The silver blood of comets

Cross every dark sky

Fiery tails of icy asteroids

Searching for new places to lie

Small, miniscule inhabitants

Disturbed micros in a macro view

You'd never know something happened to them

You'd never know that's where Destiny had taken its cue

When I met you

It was like an everyday sort of thing

Similar to walking down the street

But like a doorbell, slightly startling

When I met you

Two galaxies did collide

And we are still finding out the differences

Of how it changed things inside

When I met you

I never knew what love was

I never knew how it changed the very atoms

Of your insides and all else it truly does

I still am finding out

All the messes that it made

But oh, what a wonder

To my skies you gave

I may never know

In all the ways you touched me

In all the ways you loved me

In all the ways it affected me

I may never know

For a thousand years or more

All the secret little things

Our galaxies colliding, bore

So as time goes on

And I find the little changes in me

I will thank my lucky stars inside

For colliding galaxies

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Wishing Well Of Tears

I thought love would be here forever

I thought it would be what I died feeling

But all I feel now is blank

All I feel now is... nothing

I thought love was supposed to be forever

I thought it was what helped you build a home

But all I have now is a broken shell

Like a stepped-on snail with nowhere to go

I am blank, I am nothing,

I am not even the stars in the sky

I am the Earth without gravity

Spinning endlessly without time

I am the taste that is missing from your recipe

I am the absence beside you when death inevitably comes

I am the pain a leper feels when their nerves die

I am the feeling that is lacking in an unreciprocated love

Everything and nothing and all that is in between

I am at a loss and blindly walking trying endlessly to see

Where it is I am going because now I have no goal

I am stumbling around pointlessly like a newborn foal

My pain so great, I no longer feel it

My loss so vast I no longer see the end of it

The emptiness inside has successfully eaten me alive

And my limbs no longer move with purpose, I can no longer be revived

Dead on the inside, alive on the out

Who knew that love lost would bring all of this about

Searching for a feeling of anything at all

But everything that I'm feeling just makes me feel small

I am smaller than an atom

Smaller than a mite

Smaller than anything in existence

So small I'm out of sight

A microscope couldn't find me

I am undiscoverable to all

Like the loneliest star

That will still one day fall

Something broke inside me

Something left that day

When love walked out the door

When it did not walk, but ran away

I don't know how to fix it

I don't know how to breathe

I don't know how to move forward

I don't know where to be

I look all around me

I search everything in sight

For a little bit of love

That may have stayed, shining bright

Like one who looks for that lost coin in the cushions

I turn the couch inside out

Hoping one day surely

I'll find it and I'll happily shout

But so far nothing has turned up

So far I just keep going

With emptiness inside

And despair ever-growing

Although, even the despair seems tinged

With a blankness I can't describe

Just like an itch under the skin

That you can't quite get at, but all the time

However, I know I can't stop hoping

I am made up of it, you see

I cannot ever stop hoping

For if I stop, I cease to be

So I'll search endlessly still

I'll search till I am dead

I'll search while I am living

Even though my emptiness keeps being fed

With despair taking over the sadness in my heart

With my pain and numbing blankness overtaking my every step

I will move forward, even if slowly

Into the future I've not met

Maybe somewhere in there

In a galaxy far away,

In a land I've never known,

Is a love that will come to stay

I thought love would build me a home

I never thought it would be as fickle as it has been

I thought love would never make me roam

And bring me all the heartache I have seen

Tears have stained my face

From the many nights they fell

With all the tears I've wept

I could make a wishing well

And in it I would throw

My hopeless wishes and my dreams

I'd throw it all in there, if in return,

I'd be granted a love that'd never leave

Wishing well, wishing well,

Made of tears of pain and loss

Bring to me, oh wishing well

A love that may never be lost

Wishing well, wishing well,

Made from all I now have become

Bring to me a soothing balm

Bring to me an endless love

Wishing well, wishing well,

I do not ask for much

But wishing well, bittersweet wishing well

I beg for just a touch

Wishing well, oh wishing well

One last time I plead

I have no coin to give

Just a broken heart that does bleed

I cry out my lament

And drop in every last tear

I made you up from all I have left

I built your stones up with every last fear

So hear me when I call to you

As I cry out in pain

I will learn to rebuild my home inside

As long as you bring me a love to stay

The walls may be discolored with the achings of my past

The windows may be made of pain-stained glass

The floors may be covered in carpets that soaked up my fears

But it will withstand any storm, for I have been gathering the wood for years

A home I will have inside

Rebuilt with all that I now am

The good, the bad, the ugly

Any storm it will withstand

So wishing well, that I have made

Of salty tears, of sobs and cries

Oh wishing well, in private glade

I have nothing left to give, in you my hope resides.

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

A Little Bit Lost, But It's Okay

Sometimes it starts with one step off the path

Sometimes it starts with one wrong turn

Sometimes it is all of the sudden

And sometimes it's because you didn't learn

Sometimes it is a much longer journey

That takes you into uncharted seas

Sometimes it is a trek or a hike

That takes you to heights you've never seen

You go this way or that way but nothing's familiar

You have taken steps into a new unknown

The fear that gradually rises in your chest

Makes your stomach feel like it's full of stones

This is not on the map, the compass isn't working

The guide at the start never told you about this

The tears start to form as you start to panic

The feeling is rather difficult to resist

You don't see the beauty that is all around you

You just see a place you've never known

You only see all the mistakes or wrong turns you did take

But you do not quite see how you have grown

Even when you didn't seem to learn

Even when you did the same thing again

You were just looking for a path to the unknown

And it was one step ahead of you around each bend

Your heart starts to quiet, every little flutter

Seems to settle in lightly like feathers

Maybe you're not quite as lost as you thought

And even if you are, it's beautiful weather

So enjoy, for the first time, being lost a little bit

Enjoy the new territory you've never explored

Enjoy the experience for the sake of being in it

And have a new set of memories to store

Being lost at sea, being lost in the woods

Being lost in the mountains or in a field somewhere

It all gives you the chance to see beautiful things

Just remember this when you find yourself there

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

I Miss You

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you...

Words cannot express how much I miss you

Though I would use them all up till my last breath

To tell you how much I miss you...

The world spins on around me

Though my world seems to have stopped

Time keeps passing by me

Though I took a hammer to every clock

They say that it gets easier

With time, it heals all wounds

But mine still seems to be gaping

Maybe they spoke too soon?

My heart is still in pieces

I don't know where they all even fit

My vision is still blurry

From all the tears I have not spent

My heart is still heavy

With all the love I had left to give

Maybe one day it will just explode

And the mess of love spilled will be big

Each day that passes by

Without you here in it with us

Seems a bit more empty

And it still hits me like a bus

I'm overwhelmed by all these feelings

Of missing you so badly

I would give anything for a minute more

I would give it all gladly

I hope you knew how much I loved you

I hope you still do

I hope that one day it will hurt less

But I will always miss you

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Hope

If I were to tell you

That I felt seen by you

Would you hold me a little longer?

Would you draw a little closer?

If I were to tell you

That you meant something to me

Would you run away?

Would you stay?

I want to have a taste

Of what being with you

Would mean to me

What would you do?

Would we intertwine

Like leafy vines

Would we be held

In an embrace deeply felt

Would you wrap around and consume me

Would you change everything about me

Or would you fit perfectly in every crevice

I can't believe I've said any of this

You spark hope in me

You make me feel alive

I was dead for so long

It brings out a contented sigh

So what's left now but to wait?

To see where everything goes

I guess I'll continue on straight

And like they say, follow my nose

Until it leads somewhere

Good, bad, or fair

I will trace the lines of your face

Until they lead me someplace

[not-so-bubbly-chipymunk]

Till I Get Back To Him

How do I count it all joy

When suffering is so close

It becomes almost a friend

And leads me around by the nose

How does my mourning turn to dancing

When I can't find my feet

I've been tripping over them for so long

You'd think they would be where my legs meet

When does the suffering end?

And where does the living began?

All I can see is a haze of it

Covering the road ahead

I don't ask all of this with a bitter heart

I don't believe it's good to just wallow in sadness

I ask so that I know where to start

Looking to find my gladness

I have looked here and there

Under my bed and under a chair

I have tried to find it everywhere

But I cannot find my joy anywhere

I know I must pray while I search

Raise my arms and hands to Him most high

And if I must, fall to my knees

While I let my heart sob... and finally cry

But I don't know where to begin

Surely with one foot in front of the other

I swallow my pride and ask for help

But there's not any way for us to help each other

Because at the end of the day

The only one who can help me

Is the One I should have gone to from the start

The One who knows everyone's ending

"How long will you run away from me?"

He seems to ask in my head

"When will you let me help you?"

And I only can whisper "I'm sorry" instead

Every day is a painful reminder

Of those who are not here

Every day is a painful reminder

That makes me want to draw near

If only I could find my feet

If only I could raise my weary arms

If only I could get past my barrier of flesh

If only I could stop the mental self harm

Till then... till I can find my breath

Till then... till I can run to Him

I hold onto all I have ever had

I hope for a future where things aren't so dim

I breathe and I stumble and I do it all again

And my heart cries out in the darkness so grim

And I eat the last of my hope like bread

To survive another day till I can get back to Him