Hello! Welcome to my sideblog. I will be using this to post fanfiction- and writing-related content and updates here. I primarily post on ao3. My main blog is @notahumanhand
Find me here on ao3 (I do not use gen AI in my art or writing)
I use "#fanfic updates" for new fanfics/chapters, "#fic rec" for other people's fanfics that I've read and enjoyed, "#fic inspo" for ideas i may want to write about, "#writing advice" for tips/advice i have saved for later, and "#spleen.txt" for anything else that contains my own thoughts and ramblings.
This post may not be entirely up-to-date at all times.
Ongoing Fics
Heated Rivalry
All that you love, all that you hate, all you've become will crumble (5/?): 30k words (E) "#atyl"
Superhero AU where Shane (Waypoint) is the captain of the Voyageurs superhero team, whose biggest rivals are the Raiders, led by Redline (Ilya). Things are complicated when Shane and Ilya meet as their civilian personas and become interested in one another.
Original Work
MEPHIS: First Leap (4/25): 12k words (T) "#mephis"
A slow-paced character-first coming-of-age story that uses a superhero origin to explore grief, identity, disability, and moral growth.
Completed Fics
Heated Rivalry
Two Halves of One Whole Dumbass (4/4): 6k words (G) "#2ho1wd"
Inspired by this post: One year for charity different professional athletes are asked to participate in a “how well do you know your rival” game and participating means you get to raise money for charity. Shane and Ilya get there and become overtaken by the need to Win and Be the Best. As soon as the questions start they lock in and decide that actually they have to demolish everyone else. First two chapters are the video itself, the last two are socmed responses to the video and later the outing.
All that you love, all that you hate, all you've become will crumble
Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandoms: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types, Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
Relationship: Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov
Characters: Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Jean-Jacques Boiziau | J. J. Dagenais, Hayden Pike, Victor St. Simon, Brad Hammersmith, Patrice Drapeau, Gilbert Comeau, Grigori Rozanov
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Secret Identity, Identity Porn, in both senses of the word, Superheroes, Supervillains, Enemies to Lovers, Canon-Typical Slow Burn, that is to say, Slow Burn, but they're fucking the whole time, Mutual Pining, Workplace Relationship, Falling In Love, Idiots in Love, Forbidden Love, Found Family, Bad Parent Grigori Rozanov, Identity Reveal, no beta we die like irina rozanova (sorry), POV Shane Hollander, POV Ilya Rozanov, POV Alternating, Whump, Angst, Light Dom/sub, Dom Ilya Rozanov, Sub Shane Hollander, names as a reflection of self-image identity and intimacy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, superhero culture here is sort of a reflection of professional sports culture
Summary:
Shane Hollander has spent his entire life training to become a superhero. Now, as Waypoint, he's finally getting his chance. Though his powers may not be as flashy as the big names like The Admiral, Waypoint's battle IQ and uncanny ability to navigate a battlefield have made him one of the most promising young heroes in Canada. The Montreal Voyageurs want him as their captain, and everyone is calling him a generational talent.
Then, Redline arrives. The speedster who seemingly cropped up out of nowhere is particularly determined to take down the long-standing legacy of the Voyageurs, and has formed a new villain crew, the Raiders, with that very goal in mind.
Taking a civilian job in Boston as cover, Shane is prepared to face this new threat. What he is less prepared for is Ilya Rozanov, the annoyingly handsome Russian coworker who seems far too interested in Shane's business.
Meanwhile, Ilya Rozanov is beginning to wonder if living up to his father's supervillain legacy is all it's cracked up to be. Especially when there's a particularly boring new accountant with beautiful freckles who, despite all his training against it, is becoming increasingly difficult for Rozanov to resist.
I love alternate universe fics where Shane’s parents/Hayden find out because they walk in on like. Shane and Ilya passed out on the couch together. Ilya alone in Shane’s apartment in his pajamas. Open boxes of sugary cereal on the counter at the cottage. Ilya making a sick Shane soup. Ilya and Shane playing video games together and being so loud they didn’t hear the knocking on the door. Adidas sneakers lined up neatly in the hallway.
Fics where they don’t just stumble across Ilya, but also across evidence of deep and long-lasting affection.
Ok for the people interested, I went back through some tags on AO3 to find some good fics that sort of fit in this category. I do think most of this style of content is stuff I’ve read on Tumblr tho, so if anyone has links to posts please share w me and I’ll make a masterlist!!
https://archiveofourown.org/works/82224851 - Yuna finds out via security cams. This one’s good if you’re ok with Yuna knowing a little too much about their sex lives.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/78562401/chapters/205983256 - Shane’s injury doesn’t come until after their summer at the cottage, and Yuna and David don’t find out about his secret boyfriend until Yuna tries to pick some things up at his apartment. I love this one.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/81899076 - The Hollanders get stuck in Boston, and Shane thinks it’s a great idea to bring his parents to his “friend” Ilya’s place.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/80391666 - Ilya and Shane start a serious relationship earlier in the timeline, and keep Polaroids documenting their time together to avoid the risk of digital leaks. Then Shane’s parents find the photo album.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/85743866 - Ilya impulsively kidnaps Yuna Hollander in the middle of a storm.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/85744131 - David goes to help Shane, who’s sick with the flu. Ilya beats him to it.
very enamoured with the idea of ilya giving shane very simple commands (both in a sexual context and non) being a regular practice in their lives “say thank you” “kiss” “come here” “say my name” “look at me” “come sit on my lap” “tell me you love me” “show me” “turn around” “stay there” “open for me” “you can do more”
Sometimes it makes Shane's cheeks heat up and turn dark pink. Sometimes it makes his heart swoosh swoosh swoosh falling in his tummy, delicious zap of good fear ™️ buzzing through his body. Sometimes it makes him finally relax, a so-weird-I-can-breathe-freely kind, thoughts gone, mind warm and fuzzy, world turning into the coziest place.
If anyone asks him about tpe he doesn't know what it is. Clearly it's not what they're doing, would be very strange to actively participate in something you have no idea of, don't be silly Rose. He and Ilya are just being perfect for each other, is all.
What ABOUT Ilya makes people even think that he would want to be dogwalked. The part where he grew up feeling totally out of control of his own circumstances? The part where he started having sex at a young age SPECIFICALLY to feel more in control, both in his own body and in his life? The part where he reroutes the upper hand into his own every time he receives even a little bit of pushback from a partner ("Why the fuck did you think it was okay to sext me before the game?" "You were hard, weren't you?") The part where we consistently see him initiate and lead and control the circumstances of his and Shane's sex going back to the very first time? The part where we see that he is so used to having his orders followed with Shane that Shane doesn't even question Ilya's dominion over SHANE'S OWN SPACE IN HIS OWN HOUSE (Shane wanted those blinds down badly enough to get off the bed and find the remote; Ilya takes it and says 'No' and Shane practically goes fucking limp) like. Okay!! I guess!!
I think that the fandom heard through the grapevine that Ilya "admits" that Shane is the better player in TLG and people who have never read the books have run with that a little too far. For clarity's sake:
Ilya does say that Shane is better...one (1) time. He doesn't say it in public, and he doesn't say it gleefully or gladly or proudly. It's not a happy moment. It is, in fact, kind of tense and awkward.
Ilya says it after (A) Shane beats him by 0.13 seconds in the speed skating competition (so, to be clear, Ilya is not lying when he points out that this is basically a tie; it genuinely is very close) at All-Stars 2021, and (B) he has a kind of upsetting conversation with Scott wherein Scott jokes that the Centaurs are still nothing despite their recent success, specifically compared to Montreal of all teams, and also wherein Ilya asks Scott about gay married life without being able to tell Scott that he himself is about to get gay (bisexual) married. IMO it's heavily implied by these two events occurring back-to-back that Ilya is experiencing a depressive comedown from the highs of getting proposed to and going on a winstreak. This is RR's (admittedly kind of clumsy) way of showing that Ilya's depression isn't magically cured by The Power Of Love, and that all of Shane and Ilya's problems aren't solved by the proposal. Ilya experiences a high (proposal, winstreak) and then gets "slapped down" (losing the All-Stars comp, Scott jokes that the Centaurs' recent success means nothing, relationship is still a secret for now) and feels bad again.
Ilya sort of sneaks it in (he says "Can I tell you a secret?") while he and Shane are having sex, specifically while Shane is facing away from him and ~distracted~. Again, it's not something that he's announcing loud and proud. He can't even say it to Shane's face.
SHANE PROTESTS. MULTIPLE TIMES. Despite being distracted and clearly unable to think straight, Shane is confused and kind of alarmed: "God, why was Ilya saying this? Did he really think so? Did it matter?" (Immediately after asking if it matters, he protests again, thus answering his own question; it clearly matters to Shane.) This is not something that Shane considers accurate.
The whole point of Ilya saying that Shane is better is that it's jarringly out of character and not really based on anything. Ilya says it because Shane beat him one time by a single tenth of a second in a skill that, Ilya mentions earlier, Ilya is usually better at (i.e., this is not a representative result). When he tries to double down, he says that Shane was always the better player, which is just straight-up demonstrably untrue; Rachel Reid was really, really deliberate in balancing Shane and Ilya's accolades in Heated Rivalry, so we can be pretty damn sure that Shane and Ilya were equals pre-Ottawa move, at least. Ilya is for sure wrong when he tries to say that Shane was always better, if nothing else.
SHANE DOUBLES DOWN ON PROTESTING. He insists that they're tied, and Ilya agrees. Conversation ends (or, rather, shifts to the "Marlow almost hears them" smut lmao).
Takeaways:
Ilya saying that Shane is better probably has more to do with his depression than it does with reality. We are given no indication that this is a true and objective fact. It falls in line with Ilya's other depression-related self-worth issues in thinking that he's a bad partner/friend/teammate/captain, which we know are false.
Ilya does not and probably would not ever say this loudly, publicly, or proudly. This is a shameful thing for Ilya, who relishes competition and --- before the worst of his depression --- used to be incredibly self-confident about his hockey skills. It isn't #goals or "WAG Ilya" behavior.
Shane absolutely does not accept Ilya saying this passively. He believes firmly that they're equals and simply Will Not Let It Go. Even if Ilya did for some reason assert publicly that Shane was better, Shane would absolutely not let that stand. He would probably actively disagree.
IIRC, no other character ever agrees with this take. There's no widespread belief or opinion amongst unbiased characters that Shane is a better player than Ilya. It's not an objective fact or common opinion.
"Shane and Ilya are equals" is literally the entire premise of their relationship. Their original book is called Heated Rivalry. The fact that Ilya is unable to believe in the fundamental premise of their love and the thing that brought he and Shane together is SAD, y'all. The man is depressed.
So Much Planning goes into writing a longfic i just spent 4 hours working on one of my current projects and 90% of that was spent just planning. ive gotten like 10 minutes of actual writing done
Shout-out to characters who don't plan to survive their stories! Heroes who think they can only atone for their failures through sacrifice, villains who don't think they deserve to live in the world they're trying to create. Gimme that passive suicidality baby, mm-mm, delicious.
why is it that when im reading fanfic i feel like i have a fairly good metric for if something is characterized accurately but when im trying to write suddenly its like ive never seen this character in my life. would he say that. would he fucking say that. suddenly i have no idea
All that you love, all that you hate, all you've become will crumble
Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandoms: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types, Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
Relationship: Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov
Characters: Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Jean-Jacques Boiziau | J. J. Dagenais, Hayden Pike, Victor St. Simon, Brad Hammersmith, Patrice Drapeau, Gilbert Comeau, Grigori Rozanov
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Secret Identity, Identity Porn, in both senses of the word, Superheroes, Supervillains, Enemies to Lovers, Canon-Typical Slow Burn, that is to say, Slow Burn, but they're fucking the whole time, Mutual Pining, Workplace Relationship, Falling In Love, Idiots in Love, Forbidden Love, Found Family, Bad Parent Grigori Rozanov, Identity Reveal, no beta we die like irina rozanova (sorry), POV Shane Hollander, POV Ilya Rozanov, POV Alternating, Whump, Angst, Light Dom/sub, Dom Ilya Rozanov, Sub Shane Hollander, names as a reflection of self-image identity and intimacy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, superhero culture here is sort of a reflection of professional sports culture
Summary:
Shane Hollander has spent his entire life training to become a superhero. Now, as Waypoint, he's finally getting his chance. Though his powers may not be as flashy as the big names like The Admiral, Waypoint's battle IQ and uncanny ability to navigate a battlefield have made him one of the most promising young heroes in Canada. The Montreal Voyageurs want him as their captain, and everyone is calling him a generational talent.
Then, Redline arrives. The speedster who seemingly cropped up out of nowhere is particularly determined to take down the long-standing legacy of the Voyageurs, and has formed a new villain crew, the Raiders, with that very goal in mind.
Taking a civilian job in Boston as cover, Shane is prepared to face this new threat. What he is less prepared for is Ilya Rozanov, the annoyingly handsome Russian coworker who seems far too interested in Shane's business.
Meanwhile, Ilya Rozanov is beginning to wonder if living up to his father's supervillain legacy is all it's cracked up to be. Especially when there's a particularly boring new accountant with beautiful freckles who, despite all his training against it, is becoming increasingly difficult for Rozanov to resist.
Hayden Pike plays on the first line of one of the most prestigious teams in all professional sports with hockey god Shane Hollander and was his alternate captain. Stop taking Ilya's chirps about him being a bad player seriously, being a dick is Ilya's love language.
The Loons play beer league hockey at the Montreal Amateur Ice Arena on Tuesday nights and are perpetually short of players. One week, on the brink of having to forfeit, they gain a new player: Ilya Rozanov.
Or, Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov are regular people playing beer league hockey together. They fall in love, obviously.
All that you love, all that you hate, all you've become will crumble
Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandoms: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types, Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
Relationship: Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov
Characters: Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Jean-Jacques Boiziau | J. J. Dagenais, Hayden Pike, Victor St. Simon, Brad Hammersmith, Patrice Drapeau, Gilbert Comeau, Grigori Rozanov
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Secret Identity, Identity Porn, in both senses of the word, Superheroes, Supervillains, Enemies to Lovers, Canon-Typical Slow Burn, that is to say, Slow Burn, but they're fucking the whole time, Mutual Pining, Workplace Relationship, Falling In Love, Idiots in Love, Forbidden Love, Found Family, Bad Parent Grigori Rozanov, Identity Reveal, no beta we die like irina rozanova (sorry), POV Shane Hollander, POV Ilya Rozanov, POV Alternating, Whump, Angst, Light Dom/sub, Dom Ilya Rozanov, Sub Shane Hollander, names as a reflection of self-image identity and intimacy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, superhero culture here is sort of a reflection of professional sports culture
Summary:
Shane Hollander has spent his entire life training to become a superhero. Now, as Waypoint, he's finally getting his chance. Though his powers may not be as flashy as the big names like The Admiral, Waypoint's battle IQ and uncanny ability to navigate a battlefield have made him one of the most promising young heroes in Canada. The Montreal Voyageurs want him as their captain, and everyone is calling him a generational talent.
Then, Redline arrives. The speedster who seemingly cropped up out of nowhere is particularly determined to take down the long-standing legacy of the Voyageurs, and has formed a new villain crew, the Raiders, with that very goal in mind.
Taking a civilian job in Boston as cover, Shane is prepared to face this new threat. What he is less prepared for is Ilya Rozanov, the annoyingly handsome Russian coworker who seems far too interested in Shane's business.
Meanwhile, Ilya Rozanov is beginning to wonder if living up to his father's supervillain legacy is all it's cracked up to be. Especially when there's a particularly boring new accountant with beautiful freckles who, despite all his training against it, is becoming increasingly difficult for Rozanov to resist.
The one and only time Ilya seriously considered divorcing his husband was when their daughter was two years old.
Their baby was growing so fast and she was getting to be so independent, better able to express her idea and interests and preferences. They both loved watching her grow.
She was also, like her dad, Ilya would tease, a runner. Anytime she saw an opening, she would yank her little hand out of theirs and take off. They were working on it and their pediatrician said it was very normal, but it was still terrifying.
One day, during a family lake day, Ilya decides they need a fire. He goes off to gather some firewood from the border of the beach and forest while Shane watches their daughter.
Ilya drops the wood and runs back when he hears and panicked, "Lera!"
When he runs back to the beach, he sees his daughter sobbing, rubbing her shoulder and his husband crouched over her, looking her over while breathing in short, panting breaths.
His daughter who did not have her life vest on. What the fuck?
"What the fuck happened?"
Shane looked up at him. He was trembling slightly. He was more scared that Ilya had ever seen him. And that made Ilya scared. He had tears just brimming in his big brown eyes.
"I'm so fucking sorry," he said and pulled her closer to him while she tried to wiggle away. "I - her life vest is too small now. I was going to put the other one we brought with us the - the bigger one. I took my eyes off her for one second, Ilya."
Ilya looked at their wiggling little girl. He then said, in Russian, "Lera, come here."
Shane let her go and she ran to him. He knelt down and looked her over. "Was her head underwater?"
"I don't think so, or maybe just for a second," Shane said quietly. "I heard her splash in the water but by the time I ran over she was already where she couldn't stand. I...grabbed her arm to get her out. Probably too hard."
"Does your arm hurt?" He asked her. She didn't respond, just blinked fat tears down her cheeks and clung to him. He wrapped his arms around her and stood up. "Okay, we are taking her to the hospital."
"Ilya, it was really only a second. I think she's more scared than anything."
"You...," Ilya took a deep breath as he turned to his husband, the love of his life. He had never been so angry with him before. Never. He hated the feeling, hot and unwelcome in his chest. He spoke in Russian. "You never, fucking ever take your fucking eyes off her, Shane. Not for a second. Especially when she doesn't have her fucking life jacket on. At the lake."
"I know," Shane said in English, a slight whine in his voice that alerted Ilya he was very close to letting the tears in his eyes fall. "I know, I'm fucking sorry, okay?"
"It would take one second," Ilya stepped closer to him, shifting Lera to one side and gesturing with his other hand. "One second and she," Ilya tightened his hold, "would be dead. You understand that? Did you think about that?"
Shane doesn't fucking understand. He had never lost anyone close to him. He didn't understand that she would be dead and gone and cold and they would have to bury their baby in the dirt and leave her there. That they would lose a part of their soul if she died.
"I was...," Shane's eyes raked over her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ilya."
"That isn't fucking good enough!" Ilya threw up his hand and Shane flinched back. It was just a little bit, really just his eyes instinctively shutting, which caused tears to spill over, but still. He flinched.
Ilya felt his stomach twist but anger was still so hot in his chest and fear was prickling at his skin and all he could think his she could have died she could have died toddlers can drown in less than one minute she could have died.
They ended up taking her to the hospital. They didn't speak during the drive. About halfway through, Lera seemed to forget nearly drowning. She was listening to her Disney playlist and just kicking her feet against Ilya's seat. Usually, he would tell her to stop, that it isn't polite. Today, he let it happen because all he could hear was her little feet thudding, alive alive alive, against his seat.
The doctor said she was in perfect health. No water in her lungs and no irritation in her throat to indicate she had swallowed water. Her shoulder was fine. She reached up for the lollipop the doctor held above her head. She had no complaints about the doctor moving her arm around and pressing on her shoulder. They thanked the doctor, promised to bring her back if any symptoms arose, and took their daughter home.
When Shane went to start her bedtime routine, Ilya said, "I'll do it tonight."
He bathed her, washing away any trace of the lake and sand and hospital. He kept the water level in her bath lower than normal. He dried her, dressed her in pajamas, and settled into their oversized rocking chair to read to her.
Throughout all of it, he was thinking about divorcing her other father. He ran a hand through her hair. The hair she inherited from Shane. Would she even remember her fathers being together if they divorced now? Did he remember being two? He didn't think so.
But... he had scared his husband. His husband who would never hurt their daughter. Who had made a mistake. Took his eyes off her for one second. A mistake that had happened to thousands of parents. A mistake Ilya could have made.
He made Shane think he was going to strike him. He had made Shane promised him something, a very long time ago.
"My mother, she had nothing without my father. If she left him, she would not have gotten my brother and me. She had no money, no education. Her family was terrible, they would not have helped her. You have so much more, Shane. Promise me, if I ever...hurt you. You will leave me."
"You're not going to hurt me, Ilya."
"My mother thought my father would never hurt her, once. Please, Shane."
"Okay, okay, I promise."
But he did. His father rarely hit his mother. Mostly, he would raise his hand to backhand her and she would flinch and he would call her pathetic.
That's what he did today. Granted, he did not want to do that. He was just throwing up his hand, he was not directing it at Shane.
Wasn't he?
Lera was asleep on his chest now. He carefully transferred her to her toddler bed and watched her sleep for a while.
When he headed back to their room, Shane was still up and reading.
"Hey," he greeted. "She go down okay?"
"Mhmn," Ilya nodded. "Better than normal."
"That's good."
"Shane," Ilya said at the same time Shane said, "Ilya,"
"You go," Ilya said.
"I'm so sorry," Shane closed his book and set it by the bedside. "I know that isn't good enough. But it's all I can say. I wasn't thinking. I should have waited for you to hold her before taking the life vest off. I just... I wasn't thinking and I'm sorry."
"No," Ilya said tightly and leaned his back against their bedroom door. "I'm sorry, I-"
"Ilya?"
"I scared you."
Shane's face scrunched up. "I scared myself."
"No, I," Ilya had to stop again. Did he actually forget, just like his daughter? Or, was he just pretending to forget to make Ilya feel better. His mother would often do that. Father would bring her flowers and she would say, 'my love, what are these for?' "You thought I was going to hurt you."
While he was holding their baby.
"No, I didn't."
"You did," Ilya said harshly. "You flinched away from me."
"I - okay, yes," Shane took a deep breath. "But that doesn't mean I thought you were going to hurt me. Ilya, you would never-"
"You don't know that," Ilya cut him off. He didn't deserve his placating words. "I... I was so fucking angry at you, Shane."
"I know."
"I'm still...," Ilya rested his head against the door and looked up at their ceiling. He wasn't still mad at Shane. But he was. And he was still mad at himself. For not being their for his family. "I could have hurt you. No, I did hurt you. I did."
"You weren't trying to hurt me, Ilya, and you weren't trying to scare me. It's ridiculous to think that."
"I have to be able to trust that you will leave me if I hurt you."
"Ilya...," Shane shifted. "Do you want to see if we can schedule an emergency appointment with Galina?"
Ilya huffed. "No."
Shane finally got up, then. Ilya was struck by what he was wearing, just comfortable thick sweatpants and a tank top. But it was beautiful. Ilya wanted to memorize every inch of him.
Ilya thought Shane was going to hug him, but he didn't. He laid his hands on Ilya's biceps and rubbed them roughly, almost too hard. It was... grounding.
"Look at me," Shane said in the cadence of a captain. Ilya obeyed. "If I thought, for one fucking second, that you were going to hit me, that you were even threatening to hit me, I would not have let you walk away with our daughter. I would not have let you drive her in a car. I would not have let you give her a bath and put her to sleep."
Ilya's voice broke. "I don't know - I can't trust myself-"
"Then you trust me, Ilya. Your husband. You trust my judgement. And my judgement is that I fucked up and you were fucking pissed at me but that you were not going to hurt me. That you were not even thinking about hurting me."
And Ilya did trust him. Trusted him with his life, with his daughter, with his past and future. "Okay."
"Okay, then," Shane breathed out. "Come to bed?"
And Ilya did. He woke up a few hours later though, to no Shane.
Wandering over to their daughter's room, he watched through the crack of the door as Shane leaned over their girl's bed, his hand in her wispy hair. "I love you so much, baby. Daddy is... is so sorry."
Ilya never told Shane he had thought about divorcing him. That he was convinced, for a just a moment, that he would surely turn into a visage of his father. Granted, it was only for less than a day. But still, it was the one and only time he worked through what their divorce would look like, how they would raise their daughter separately, how he would be able to live on without the other half of his soul.
He wondered if he could do it. If Shane struck him, if he could leave. He didn't think he would. Even for Lera, he didn't think he was strong enough. Maybe if Shane hit her but... he just didn't know. He didn't know. It wasn't fair. He had to trust that Shane was stronger than him.
He had to trust Shane.
And he always had. Since they were teenagers. And that trust never lead him astray. That trust gave him a home, a family. That trust was an accomplishment better than any Stanley Cup would ever be.
There is no drug on earth that can replicate the absolute euphoria of hitting a writing flow state at 2:00 AM. You aren’t even typing anymore. You are a vessel. You are a channel for the gods. The characters are speaking directly into your brain and you’re just the stenographer trying to keep up. You feel like you could fight a bear. You feel like you invented the alphabet
