āPower absorption?ā you ask him over your pasta, which you are currently absorbing powerfully. in the background, a tv is reading out what the Phoenix extremeist group has done recently. bodies, stacking.
tim nods, pushing his salad around.Ā āitās kind of annoying.ā heās gone vegan ever since he could talk to animals. his cheeks are sallow.Ā āyesterday i absorbed static and i canāt stop shocking myself.ā
āyou donāt know what from,ā shay is detangling her hair at the table, even though itās not polite. about a second ago, her hair was perfect, which implies sheās been somewhere in the inbetween.Ā ātry millions of multiverses that your powers conflict with.āĀ
ādid we die in the last one?ā you grin and she grins and tim grins but nobody answers the question.
now she has a cut over her left eye and her hair is shorter. she looks tired and tim looks tired and you look down at your 18-year-old hands, which are nothing.Ā
they ship out tomorrow. they go out to the frontlines or wherever it is that superheroes go to fight supervillains; the cream of the crop. the starlight banner kids.Ā
āyou both are trying too hard,ā you tell them,Ā ācouldnāt you have been, like, really good at surfing?ā
āgod,ā shay groans,Ā āwhat iād give to only be in the olympics.ā
xxx
in the night, tim is asleep. on the way home, he absorbed telekinesis, and hates it too.Ā
shay looks at you.Ā āiām scared,ā she says.
you must not have died recently, because she looks the same she did at dinner, cut healing slowly over her eye the way itās supposed to, not the hyper-quickness of a timejump. just shay, living in the moment when the moment is something everyone lives in. her eyes are wide and dark the way brown eyes can be, that swelling fullness that feels so familiar and warm, that piercing darkness that feels like a stone at the back of your tongue.
āyou should be,ā you say.
her nose wrinkles, she opens her mouth, but you plow on.
ātheyāre going to take one look at you and be like,Ā āgross, shay? no thanks. youāre too pretty. itās bringing down like, morale, and thingsā. then theyāll kick you out and iāll live with you in a box and weāll sell stolen cans of ravioli.ā
sheās grinning. ālike chef boyardee or like store brand?ā
āstore brand but we print out chef boyardee labels and tape them over the can so we can mark up the price.ā
āwhere do we get the tape?āĀ
āwe, uh,ā you look into those endless dark eyes, so much like the night, so much like a good hot chocolate, so much like every sleepover youāve had with the two of your best friends, and you say,Ā āitās actually just your hair. i tie your hair around the cans to keep the label on.ā
she throws a pillow at you.Ā
you both spend a night planning what youāll do in the morning when shay is kicked out of Squadron 8, Division 1; top rankers that are all young. youāll both run away to the beach and tim will be your intel and youāll burn down the whole thing. youāre both going to open a bakery where you will do the baking and sheāll use her time abilities to just, like, speed things up so you donāt have to wake up at dawn. youāre both going to become wedding planners that only do really extreme weddings.
she falls asleep on your shoulder. you do not sleep at all.
in the morning, they are gone.
squadron 434678, Division 23467 is basicallyĀ ācivilian status.ā you still have to know what to expect and all that stuff. youāre glad that youāre taking extra classes at college; youāre kind of bored re-learning the stuff you were already taught in high school. there are a lot of people who need help, and youāre good at that, so you help them.Ā
tim and shay check in from time to time, but theyāre busy saving the world, so you donāt fault them for it. in the meantime, you put your head down and work, and when your work is done, you help the people who canāt finish their work. and it kind of feels good. kind of.
at twenty, squadron 340067, division 2346 feels like a good fit. tim and you go out for ice cream in a new place that rebuilt after the Phoenix group burned it down. youāve chosen nurse-practitioner as your civilian job, because it seems to fit, but youāre not released for full status as civilian until youāre thirty, so itās been a lot of office work.
timās been on the fritz a lot lately, overloading. youāre worried theyāll try to force him out on the field. heās so young to be like this.
āi feel,ā he says,Ā ālike it all comes down to this puzzle. like iām never my own. i steal from other peopleās boxes.ā
you wrap your hand around his.Ā āsometimes,ā you say,Ā āwe love a river because it is a reflection.ā
heās quiet a long time after that. a spurt of flame licks from under his eyes.
āi wish,ā he says,Ā āi could believe that.ā
twenty three has you in squad 4637, division 18. really youāve just gotten here because youāre good at making connections. you know someone who knows someone who knows you as a good kid. you helped a woman onto a bus and she told her neighbor who told his friend. youāre mostly in the filing department, but you like watching the real superheroes come in, get to know some of them. at this level, people have good powers but not dangerous ones. you learn how to help an 18 year old who is a loaded weapon by shifting him into a non-violent front. you get those with pstd home where they belong. you put your head down and work, which is what youāre good at.Ā
long nights and long days and no vacations is fine until everyone is out of the office for candlenights eve. youāre the only one who didnāt mind staying, just in case someone showed up needing something.Ā
the door blows open. when you look up, heās bleeding. you jump to your feet.Ā
āoh,ā you say, because you recognize the burning bird insignia on his chest,Ā āI think you have the wrong office.ā
āi just need,ā he spits onto the ground, sways, collapses.Ā
well, okay. so, thatās, not, like. great.Ā āuh,ā you say, and you miss shay desperately,Ā āokay.ā
you find the source of the bleeding, stabilize him for when the shock sets in, get him set up on a desk, sew him shut. two hours later, youāve gotten him a candlenights present and stabilized his vitals. youāve also filed him into a separate folder (itās good to be organized) and found him a home, far from the warfront.
when he wakes up, you give him hot chocolate (god, how you miss shay), and he doesnāt smile. he doesnāt smile at the gift youāve gotten him (a better bulletproof vest, one without the Phoenix on it), or the stitches. thatās okay. you tell him to take the right medications, hand them over to him, suggest a doctorās input. and then you hand over his folder with a new identity in it and a new house and civilian status. you take a deep breath.Ā
he opens it and bursts into tears. he doesnāt say anything. he just leaves and you have to clean up the blood, which isnāt very nice of him. but itās candlenights. so whatever. hopefully heāll learn to like his gift.
squadron 3046, division 2356 is incredibly high for a person like you to fit. but still, you fit, because youāre good at organization and at hard work, and at knowing how to hold on when other people donāt see a handhold.
shay is home. youāre still close, the two of you, even though she feels like she exists on another planet. the more security youāre privy to, the more she can tell you.Ā
you brush her hair as she speaks about the endless man who never dies, and how they had to split him up and hide him throughout the planet. she cries when she talks about how much pain he must be in.
ācan you imagine?ā she whispers,Ā āi mean, i know heās phoenix, but can you imagine?āĀ
āone time i had to work retail on black friday,ā you say.
āone time my boss put his butt directly on my hand by accident and i couldnāt say anything so i spent a whole meeting with my hand directly up his ass,ā you say.
her eyes are so brown, and filling, and there are scars on her youāve never noticed that might be new or very, very, very old; and neither of you know exactly how much time sheās actually been alive for.Ā
āi mean,ā you say,Ā āyeah that might hurt but one time i said goodbye to someone but they were walking in the same direction. i mean can you imagine.ā
she laughs, finally, even though itās weakly, and says,Ā āone time even though i can manipulate time i slept in and forgot to go to work even though i was leading a presentation and i had to look them in the face later to tell them that.ā
āyouāre a compete animal,ā you tell her, and look into those eyes, so sad and full of timelines youāll never witness,Ā āyou should be kicked out completely.ā
she wipes her face.Ā āfind me in a box,ā she croaks,Ā āselling discount ravioli.ā
you donāt know how it happens. but you guess the word gets around. you donāt think youĀ likeĀ being known to them as someone they can go to, but itās not like theyāve got a lot of options. many of them just want to be out of it, so you get them out, you guess.
you explain to them multiple times you havenāt done a residency yet and you really only know what an emt would, but they still swing by. every time they show up at your office, you feel your heart in your chest: this is it, this is how you die, this is how it ends.Ā
āso, like, this groupā you say, trying to work the systemās loopholes to find her a way out of it,Ā āfrom ashes come all things, or whatever?ā
she shrugs. you can tell by looking at her that sheās dangerous.Ā āitās corny,ā she says. another shrug.Ā āi didnāt mean to wind up a criminal.ā
you donāt tell her that you sort of donāt know how one accidentally becomes a criminal, since you kind-of-sort-of help criminals out, accidentally.Ā
āi donāt believe any of that stuff,ā she tells you,Ā ānone of that wholeā¦ burn it down to start it over.ā she swallows.Ā āstuff just happens. and happens. and you wake up and itās still happening, even though you wish it wasnāt.ā
you think about shay, and how sheās covered in scars, and her crying late at night because of things nobody else ever saw.
āyeah,ā you say, and print out a form,Ā āi get that.ā
and you find a dangerous woman a normal home.
āyouāre squadron 905?āĀ
ādivision 34754,ā you tell him. watch him look down at your ID and certification and read your superpower on the card and then look back up to you and then back down to the card and then back up at you, and so on. he licks his chapped lips and stands in the cold.
this happens a lot. but you smile. the gatekeeper is frowning, but then hanson walks by.Ā āoh shit,ā he says,Ā āitās you! come right on in!ā he gives you a hug through your rolled-down window.
the gatekeeper is in a stiff salute now. gulping in terror. hanson is one of the strongest people in this sector, and he just hugged you.
the gate opens. hanson swaggers through. you shrug to the gatekeeper.Ā āi helped him out one time.āĀ
inside theyāre debriefing. someone has shifted sides, someone powerful, someone wild. itās not something youāre allowed to know about, but you know itās bad. so you put your head down, and you work, because thatās what youāre good at, after all. you find out the gatekeeperās name and send him a thank-you card and also handmade chapstick and some good earmuffs.
shay messages you that night. i have to go somewhere, she says, i canāt explain it, but thereās a mission and i might be gone a long time.
you stare at the screen for a long time. your fingers type out three words. you erase them. you instead write where could possibly better than stealing chef boyardee with me?
she doesnāt read it. you close the tab.Ā
and you put your head down. and work.
itās in a chiliās. like, you donāt even like chiliās? chiliās sucks, but the boss ordered it so youāre here to pick it up, wondering if he gave you enough money to cover. things have been bad recently. thousands dying. whoever switched sides is too powerful to stop. they destroy anyone and anything, no matter the cost.
the phoenix fire smells like pistachios, you realize. you feel at once part of yourself and very far. it happens so quickly, but you feel it slowly. you wonder if shay is involved, but know she is not.
the doors burst in. thereās screaming. those in the area try their powers to defend themselves, but everyone is civilian division. the smell of pistachios is cloying.Ā
then they see you. and you see them. and you put your hands on your hips.
āexcuse me, tris,ā you say,Ā āwhatĀ are you doing?ā
thereās tears in her eyes.Ā āi need the money,ā she croaks.
āFrom a chiliās?ā you want to know,Ā āwho in their right mind robs a chiliās?Ā what are you going to do, steal their mozzarella sticks?ā
āitās connected to a bank on the east wall,ā she explains,Ā ābut i thought it was stupid too.ā
you shake your head. you pull out your personal checkbook. you ask her how much she needs, and you see her crying. you promise her the rest when you get your paycheck.
someone bursts into the room. shouts things. demands they start killing.Ā
but youāre standing in the way, and none of them will kill you or hurt you, because they all know you, and you helped them at some point or another, or helped their friend, or helped their children.
tris takes the money, everyone leaves. by the time the heroes show up, youāve gotten everyone out of the building.
the next time you see tris, sheās marrying a beautiful woman, and living happily, having sent her cancer running. youāre a bridesmaid at the wedding.
āyou just,ā the director wants to know now,Ā āsent them running?āĀ
hanson stands between her and you, although you donāt need the protection.
āno,ā you say again, for the millionth time,Ā āi just gave her the money she needed and told her to stop it.ā
āthe phoenix group,ā the director of squadron 300 has a vein showing,Ā ādoes not just stop it.ā
you donāt mention the social issues which confound to make criminal activity a necessity for some people, or how certain stereotypes forced people into negative roles to begin with, or how an uneven balance of power punished those with any neurodivergence. instead you say,Ā āyeah, they do.ā
āiām telling you,ā hanson says,Ā āwe brought her out a few times. it happens every time. they wonāt hurt her. we need her on our team.ā
your spine is stiff.Ā āi donāt do well as a weapon,ā you say, voice low, knowing these two people could obliterate you if they wished. but you wonāt use peopleās trust against them, not for anything. besides, itās not like trust is your superpower. youāre just a normal person.
hanson snorts.Ā āno,ā he says,Ā ābut i like that when you show up, the fighting justā¦ stops. thatās pretty nice, kid.ā
ādo you knowā¦ what we are dealing withā¦. since agent 25ā¦ shiftedā¦.?ā the directorās voice is thin.
āyeah,ā hanson says,Ā āthatās why i think sheād be useful, you know? add some peace to things.ā
the director sits down. sighs. waves her hand.Ā āwhatever,ā she croaks,Ā ādo what you want. reassign her.ā
hanson leads you out. over your shoulder, you see her put her head in her hands. later, you get her a homemade spa kit, and make sure to help her out by making her a real dinner from time to time, something sheās too busy for, mostly.
at night, you write shay messages you donāt send. telling her things you cannot manage.
one morning you wake up to a terrible message: shay is gone. never to be seen again.
youāre eating ice cream when you find him.
behind you, the city is burning. hundreds dead, if not thousands.
heās staring at the river. maybe half-crying. itās hard to tell, his body is shifting, seemingly caught between all things and being nothing.
āooh buddy,ā you say, passing him a cone-in-a-cup, the way he likes it,Ā ātalk about a night on the town.ā
the bench is burning beside him, so you put your jacket down and snuff it out. itās hard sitting next to him. he emits so much.
āyeah?ā his voice is a million voices, a million powers, a terrible curse.Ā
ācan i help?ā you ask.
he eats a spoonful of ice cream.Ā
āyeah,ā he says eventually.Ā āi think i give up.ā
later, when they praise you for defeating him, you wonāt smile. they try to put you in the media; an all-time hero. you decline every interview and press conference. you attend his funeral with a veil over your head.
the box goes into the ground. you canāt stop crying.
youāre the only one left at the site. itās dark now, the subtle night.
you feel her at your side and something in your heart stops hurting. a healing you didnāt know you needed. her hands find yours.
āthey wanted me to kill him,ā she says,Ā āthey thought iād be the only one who could.ā her hands are warm. you arenāt breathing.
ābeat you to it,ā you say.Ā
āi see that,ā she tells you.Ā
you both stand there. crickets nestle the silence.
āyou know,ā she says eventually,Ā āi have no idea which side is the good one.ā
āi think thatās the point of a good metaphor about power and control,ā you say,Ā āit reflects the human spirit. no tool or talent is good or bad.ā
ājust useful,ā she whispers. after a long time, she wonders, āso what does that make us?ā
itās a long trek up into the mountains. shay seems better every day. more solid. less like sheās on another plane.
āheard youāre a top ten,ā she tells me, her breath coming out in a fog. youāve reclassed her to civilian. it took calling in a few favors, but youāve got a lot.Ā
āyeah,ā you say,Ā āinvulnerable.ā
āoh, is that your superpower?ā she laughs. she knows itās not.
āthatās what theyāre calling it,ā you tell her, out of breath the way she is not,Ā āitās how they explain a person like me at the top.ā
āif that meansĀ ānobody wants to kill meā, i think iām the opposite.ā but sheās laughing, in a light way, a way thatās been missing from her.
the cabin is around the corner. the lights are already on.Ā
āsomebodyās home,ā i grin.
tim, just tim, tim who isnāt forced into war and a million reflections, opens the door.Ā ācome on in.ā
xxx
squadron one, division three. a picture of shay in a wedding dress is on my desk. she looks radiant, even though sheās marrying little old me.
what do i do? just what iām best at. whatās not a superpower. what anyone is capable of: just plain old helping.
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