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notquitescottfitzgerald

Mar 28, 2015

Quicksilver

A Remus Lupin/Marlene McKinnon Fanfiction.

Summary: Remus Lupin recovers.

trigger warning: major character death, borderline suicidal thoughts, angst.

rating: T (probably)

{December 1977} {Before}

"Marlene?" asked a cautious Remus Lupin. The beautiful girl in front of him turned around in her seat with a breathtaking smile in place and tilted her head to the side in question. "Yeah?" Remus hated to ruin her mood, but he had to ask.

"I heard about you and Cedric Wood. Are you okay?" he asked, referring to the nasty break-up that had occurred the day before. Her deep brown eyes lowered slightly.

"I'm fine Remus, really. But thanks for the concern,” she said a bit quieter than she would normally talk. Remus sank into the seat next to her and placed a tentative hand over hers. She didn't move away.

"He wasn't worth it Marls," Remus told her. "And if you're worried about getting a last minute date to the Winter Ball, there's still quite a few guys left who would love to go with you."

"Well most of them are just as bad as Wood, if not worse. Maybe I'll just go stag. Who are you going with, anyway?" she asked him. Remus grimaced.

"Amelia Bones. Sirius asked her for me, and I didn't want to be rude and tell her I had planned on going with someone else. So now I'm stuck with her, and Sirius gets a laugh."

Marlene snorted and rolled her eyes. "Sirius is so immature," she said, and Remus grinned, nodding. She continued. "Well maybe you can ditch her when you get there and dance with the special girl you wanted to ask?"

"That sounds lovely, but I couldn't do that to Amelia. She'd be crushed. Maybe I'll ask the girl for a dance or two though, you never know."

Marlene flipped her platinum blonde bangs out of her eyes and smiled charmingly at him. "Hope she says yes."

Remus let out a breath. "Yeah, me too. But you see, this girl and me are pretty close, and I wouldn't want to risk our friendship. It means too much to me."

"Yeah? Well, personally, I think you should just tell Amelia that you don't like her like that, and ask this girl out. If she means so much to you, she'd want you to be honest with her. Plus, she might have a date soon if she doesn't have one yet. Not to mention the fact that it's our last year here and therefore your last chance to ask her to a ball."

Remus ran a hand through his sandy brown hair and licked his lips nervously. Marlene shook her head at him, sighing with impatience.

"Remus Lupin will you ask me to the goddamn Winter Ball already?" she burst out, a bit too loudly. She lowered her head away from all the stares and raised her apologetic eyes to meet his amber ones, before grinning and stifling a giggle. She hadn't meant for the entire class to hear her outburst. Remus chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Marlene, will you be my date to the Winter Ball?" he said finally, and she pursed her lips together as if in thought. "Hmm. Maybe," she said. Remus put his head in his hands.

"Marls. Come on. Go with me, please?"

"Okaaay…" she pouted, narrowing her eyes in fake annoyance, but it was short-lived because he chose that moment to place a soft, impetuous kiss on her lips.

{Present Time- 1980} {After}

Remus sat with a photograph clutched tightly in his hand. Raising his head slowly, he looked at the moving scene, though it caused such a swell of pain to do so. But at least this, they couldn't take from him. What use would a photo be, after all?

It was of he and Marlene, taken during the summer that they had spent together by the seaside. She had always loved the ocean, the feel of the sand under her bare toes. She had told him once that if she could be anywhere, she'd want to be on that beach in the evening with him, staring up into the velvet sky littered with glowing stars.

In the picture her hair was dark brown, her natural color, and it blew around her face in the wind. She was laughing and he was twirling her around, and around, and around… Finally she placed a kiss on his cheek and he grinned at the camera. Lily had taken the picture, he recalled.

Lily. The thought of her made his heart tighten even more. James. Alice. Frank. Mary. Peter. And Marlene. A tear dropped onto the photograph and he wiped at it furiously. Everyone was gone. Dead, or might as well have been. He knew he should try to let it all go, but it had been three months and he was still barely functioning. Everything reminded him of her, or of them. How does one go on?

"Marlene…" he whispered, dropping the photograph onto the wooden floor of their old flat. It was his flat now, because she was gone, like the rest of them. Except Sirius. Remus thought of how little Sirius had seemed to care, his maniacal laughing face as they dragged him off to Azkaban for betraying his best friends. Everyone was dead, insane, or dead to him.

{July 1979} {Before}

The soft shell of sunlight was warm on their faces as the blinds blew about in the silky breeze. Remus lay on his side, half awake and half asleep in the morning light. Marlene was there, breathing quietly. She was asleep and dreams moved behind her eyelids in circles. Her hair was fanned out on the pillow next to his head and Remus thought it smelled like the ocean and vanilla. He tucked her into his arms and she moved in her sleep, closer to him. "Mmm…" she mumbled, before she woke up. She turned around slowly to look at him and blushed when she did.

"Morning, love," he whispered, kissing her sleep-swollen lips gently. She smiled and circled her arms around his torso, twining her slim fingers into his too-long hair.

"How are you?" she asked him, and he shrugged.

"It was better than usual," he said, referring to his full moon transformation, which had happened during the night. He had locked himself into their little shed, which had plenty of strengthening enchantments as well as silencing charms, so that no one would hear his howls or the sounds of him hurling his body into the walls. Not that there were many people on the beach that summer. They themselves were only there for a few weeks. It was too dangerous to be away from home for any length of time with the war going on, and they were pushing it as it was.

"That's good," she said, trailing her hands down his arms, his abdomen. He shivered a little. "You healed yourself?" she asked when she found no new cuts or bruises.

He nodded. "I know the spells. I didn't want to wake you up."

"You know I don't mind getting up early once a month," she reasoned and he sighed, pulling her closer to him.

"I know Marls. But you looked so peaceful sleeping, and I didn’t want you to have to leave your dream world. Not for a reality where you had to heal a werewolf.”

"Remus, you're a man. Mine. And you know that I'd rather be in reality with you," she said softly. "I love you."

{December 1979} {After}

Throughout the Order meeting, Remus couldn’t keep his eyes off the empty seat that Marlene should have been sitting in. His gaze wandered to Lily, her blood-shot green eyes, then to Sirius who was gritting his teeth, then to James who’s eyes were glassy; and then they returned to the chair. The plain brown wooden chair that should not have been empty. It was never empty. She had never missed a meeting.

Remus clenched his jaw and slammed his fist onto the table, scowling when half of the Order flinched. “What?” he demanded. “What are you looking at?”

Because no one else had the courage to say anything, it was Sirius who broke the silence. “Remus… why don’t we go into the kitchen,” he said, and it wasn’t a question, though it was a statement voiced in the gentlest way. Everyone was tiptoeing around him, and Remus decided he hated it. He stood, swaying from the alcohol he had consumed earlier.

“Don’t fucking coddle me, Black! Don’t order me around!”

Remus couldn’t explain why he was so angry but he was, and he couldn’t help it. He wanted to grab someone, and shake them and scream and scream and scream… Sirius’s eyebrows knotted together in worry. “Moony, you’re completely smashed. Come on, just come with me and…”

“I don’t need to be taken care of!” he shouted, taking a shaky step and then stopping when he realized that he couldn’t walk steadily. He put a hand on the table to balance himself and spoke again with a shadow of his old dignity, “I’m fine, alright? I’m magnificent. I’m wonderful, I’m brilliant, I’m fantastic, I’m great—

“Remus.” said Lily, getting up from her seat, next to him. She placed a hesitant hand on his shoulder and felt him trembling, though whether from alcohol or grief she couldn’t say. “Remus, please. You can use all the synonyms for fine in the world, but it’s not going to convince us. You know we care about, love you, don’t expect us to just sit here and—

“I don’t want your pity!” he yelled miserably, wrenching himself free from her hand and attempting to walk again. He made it to the bench by the window and then collapsed onto it, letting his head fall into his quivering hands.

Lily felt tears start to track down her cheeks for what felt like the hundredth time that day, and she couldn’t help feeling guilty when James’s arms wrapped around her from behind. Guilty that she had him, and so, so thankful. She clung to his arms.

“You’re not the only one here who misses her, you know. We all loved Marlene,” said Sirius, and Lily wished that he hadn’t. For once, for once, couldn’t Sirius just keep his mouth shut?

Remus raised his head and his amber gaze was scarily vacant. “Sirius, you don’t understand,” he said quietly. “I didn’t just love her, I…”

“I know, mate,” said James softly, and he did know, or at least he had an understanding. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how he would feel if Lily died. How could he function? The thought scared him so much that he shook his head in an attempt to clear it, and fought back tears when he realized just how terrifying a place Remus’s mind must be at the moment. “You can’t blame yourself.”

Remus’s face paled. “I think you’ll find that I have every reason to.”

Sirius took a step forward. “But you don’t! It was impossible to foresee—

“I deserve it. Merlin, I deserve it…” said Remus, letting his head drop and his eyes close. “She was afraid, Sirius. Afraid to talk to me. If I had known… If she had told me, I wouldn’t have made her go… And she’d be here. She’d be alive.”

Lily removed herself from James’s grasp and walked slowly over to Remus, sat down next to him, and put her arms around his unresponsive form. “No one blames you. Marlene wouldn’t blame you,” she whispers, and Remus takes a shuddering breath.

“She isn’t here to blame me.”

“You know she wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”

“You just don’t get it!” he shouted, tears welling up in his eyes and falling freely. He stood up, and took a stumbling step forward. “I AM THE REASON SHE IS DEAD!” he screamed, staggering forward and grabbing for anything and everything to throw.

Crash. Crash. Crash. Goblets shattered against the wall, plates split in half, and no one moved to stop him.

“I AM THE REASON MARLENE IS DEAD!” he screamed again, stumbling backwards and falling onto the ground in a heap. He didn’t get up.

Sirius walked over to Remus, and James saw that he was crying too. He couldn’t remember the last time Sirius had allowed himself to cry. Not in front of anyone else at least. Sirius let out his breath with a shudder, and slumped down next to Remus setting aside everything he’d built up about himself, everything he’d always cared about. Control, his image of aloofness and emotional detachment. He took the shaking Remus into his arms and held him close.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered, and his choking tears and Remus’s sweater muffled his voice. James, driven by an uncontainable urge, joined them on the ground, and Remus felt a second pair of strong arms envelope him.

“It’s going to be okay,” said James, louder. Remus tried to say something but he couldn’t get the words out. He was shivering when Lily bent down and took his hands, squeezing them, and then her arms went around all three of them as best she could.

“We’ll get through this. We’ll help you get through this, Remus. We’re not going anywhere,” she said, and Remus clung to her words with all that was left of his existence.

{Present Time-1980} {After}

"Please let me in. I'm a friend," said Remus. The nurse in the ‘Curse Treatment’ ward at St. Mungo’s Hospital gave him a tired and exasperated stare.

"Who are you here to see again, Mister?" she inquired. Remus didn't have the energy to be annoyed, though he’d already told her.

"Alice and Frank Longbottom,” he said.

"One second." She poked her head around the door. "Sophie? This gentleman here says he wants to see Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom. Is that possible?" Remus heard a sigh.

"Yes, let him in Lydia. But if he wants a conversation, he isn't going to get one. They haven’t woken up. Magical Coma, you know.”

Remus pushed passed Lydia and entered the circular hospital ward. The walls and the ten beds surrounding him were a dull white. There were two high windows in the room which cast very little light. Eight of the beds were occupied, and he squinted at the nameplates until he found who he was looking for.

Making his way towards the back of the room, he stifled a gasp. Alice's once long, thick, chestnut hair was scraggly, white and cut hurriedly the length of her jutting cheekbones, falling across her pale yellow skin. Her entire face was gaunt and the soft dusting of freckles across her nose that Frank had been so fond of were red, blotchy spots. Frank looked no better, his hair was dark gray, his face ashen. Remus had been told that Bellatrix used the Cruciatus Curse on Alice the longest, but it didn’t make any difference. They both looked unnatural and old and Remus could hardly recognize them.

"Alice." Remus's voice broke slightly. "Frank!"

"You won't get a reaction out of them, dear. I'm sorry. They've been like this since they were brought in," said an older nurse. Remus knew, but wrapping his head around it was another matter. She looked at him sadly, patting his shoulder before going to tend to a young boy who was calling out in pain. Remus bit back his tears. Alice and Frank were the only ones still alive from his circle, aside from Sirius, and now he wondered if being alive, for them, had any value at all—they couldn't even move. He wondered if Alice could hear him.

"Alice, I wish you could hear me. I need to talk to someone about what happened," he told her still figure. "There are some things I did. Things that I can't let go of, and I know that if you were awake you'd find some way to help me get right." Remus took a deep breath. He had to tell someone, and friends in a Magical Coma were better than no friends at all.

"The night Marlene died was a full moon, and I was worried about her. She's always stayed at home when I went through the change, but the last few weeks had been strained, I don’t know why, but…I asked her to go to her parents' house for the night. I just wanted to know she was safe." Remus could feel tears again and made no move to wipe them away.

"She didn't want to go. We fought about it. She locked me in the shed for my transformation, and then she left. I had a horrible change that night, I think maybe I sensed something was wrong, I don't know… but when the morning came, she didn't come to let me out."

Remus could feel the eyes of the nurse, Sophie, on his back, but he didn't stop talking. If he did, he knew that he would never get this out, and he had to. "James came finally, Alice. He looked terrified, awful… I was frantic; I shook him and begged him to tell me what was wrong and where was Marlene. James just turned grey, took my hand, and said, “ I have to take you there, Moony”. We apparated to Marlene's parent’s house. I ran in the front door. There were Aurors and a couple of healers, and the house was in ruins. I screamed for her. I screamed for M-Marlene, but no one answered, no one…came down the s-stairs…" Remus's voice was chocked with tears and he could hardly speak, but he made himself say it. "She… She died, Alice. Her whole f-family… was k-killed… She would have been s-safe if I had let her stay at home. It's m-my fault that she was there, that she’s…dead.”

He stopped talking until his breathing calmed down. “I was going to ask her to marry me. I had the ring,” he said, taking Alice's limp hand in his and squeezing it. "I miss her s-so m-much…and," said Remus quietly, his entire body shaking, "I found out she was pregnant. We would have had a child, the child she always wanted.”

Alice moved in her coma-sleep and he felt a light pressure against his fingers. He couldn’t be sure, but he felt that she was squeezing his hand back.

{Present Time-1980} {After}

Remus made his way to the muggle library that was around the corner from his flat, and sat down in his favorite chair by the west-facing window. He opened the little leather notebook he had been too afraid to touch until this moment, and began to read.

October 13th 1979 at 8:30 pm.

Dear Diary,

Today was positively magical! I spent the day with Lily and James and little Harry and Neville (Alice and Frank are gone until tomorrow-Auror business-top secret as always). We went down to the market and ate the sandwiches Lily had made while we shopped, and then I took the boys out for ice cream. Lily rolled her eyes, be sure, but James (the goof) was thrilled. Neville got chocolate all down his front and then proceeded to give me the biggest hug in all of humanity, and Lily just found it hilarious! She always believed in Karma… I was standing on the street with Harry in my arms while Lily and James took Neville to for a diaper change and an older lady told me, "You have a lovely son there dear." I told her thank you, because I wasn't going to correct her, and I felt elated for the rest of the day.

I played wizards outside with the boys and James, while Lily made lunch (Cream of Mushroom Soup and Treacle Tart for desert!). I ended up stuck in a tree (James' fault) and I got branches caught in my hair and clothes, which took ages to get out (and I didn't even get it all, Remus found it quite amusing when I went home). But I had a wonderful time and we even played a quick game of Quidditch! James got out two brooms and I strapped Neville onto my back while James did the same to Harry. We played without bludgers of course and there were cushioning charms covering the ground but Lily was still very un-amused. Which just made it all the more exciting! When I got home, Remus was already making supper and it smelled amazing! We sat down and started to eat, and I started a game of footsies, which ended up… Well you know the rest. Remus found a few sticks in my hair and we laughed, and then he went into the bathroom to have a shower. Actually, that's where he is right now. I should stop writing and oh god, have the blinds open this whole time? Well, I best be off.

~Marlene McKinnon (Lupin?)

Remus traced her letters with his finger and smiled softly. The 'Lupin' at the end sent a lump to his throat but he forced it away. Her writing sounded just like her talking; completely rambling and totally unconcerned. Remus could remember that night now, and how she had been in her underwear when he came out of the shower, doing what looked like yoga on the hardwood floor. He had cleared his throat and she had whipped around, wand at the ready. "That looks comfortable." He had remarked sarcastically and she dropped her wand, pouting slightly. "It's relaxing," she had said adamantly, resuming her pose. After a few minutes of this, she had sighed and walked over to the bed. "My back hurts Remus. The floor is hard."

Remus flipped through the little book and found himself smiling at her writing. Every entry brought new memories into his mind, some happy, some less so, but it was surprisingly bearable until he found the first section of pages he had been dreading. The entries directly after her brothers’ death.

May 17th 1979 at 2:00 pm

Dear Diary, So this is goodbye Danny, and I can't cry…I can't look down at your grave and cry, because I know if the tears spill over my cheeks this time they are never going to stop. Kneeling before you, praying that you’re okay, wherever you are, is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. I know that you're away from the pain, away from the constant dangers; I know that you're happy now; I know that nothing can hurt you, but I will never see you on this earth again, and I will never be ready for that. How could you do it, Danny? How could you go into their hideout, alone, and not think of anyone? Of me? How could you do it? I don’t understand. I’ll try to, but I don’t understand.

May 18th 1979 at 2:00 am

Dear Diary, I went downstairs at midnight. I walked outside, and just stood there, waiting, hoping that a death eater would appear from the woods and kill me. I wanted to die, Diary. I don’t think you understand how easy it would be to die. Easier than falling asleep. There are so many ways. So many options. I just stood there. I wanted it to be over, and it’s only been 2 days. No one came, and I went inside.

May 21st 1979 at 1:00 am

Dear Diary, I’m feeling philosophical right now. Maybe it’s my lack of sleep. Maybe it’s Daniel speaking to me. All I know is that I think tears are an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived honestly and productively… the correct response to death's painful punctuation mark is a smile. Because the one you’re missing is in a better place, and they don’t want you to be sad. It’s hard to not be sad, but it’s possible to think about Danny’s death in a positive sense. His demons can’t follow him up to heaven. And as Dorothy Parker says: Death is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.

I guess she has a point. The pain isn't going to go away, but it will get better. I have Remus, Lily and James, the twins and Sirius, Frank and Alice and Mary. I have little Harry and Neville. I have the order. I have to accept the fact that Danny is dead. Accept it, and with time…

~Marlene McKinnon (Lupin?)

Quicksilver in the hand. Remus knew that it was only Mercury, truly poisonous to everyone, but the name still made him wince. He felt at the silver caused burns on his wrist. If he were to clutch real silver in his hand it would burn it's way into his flesh and slowly kill him from the inside out. Quicksilver didn’t appeal to him. He wasn’t ready to hold it, or think about it, so he quickly flipped the pages until he came across her last entry. He would read it in its entirety later.

December 16th 1979 at 6:15 pm (Full Moon)

Dear Diary,

I visited Lily earlier today and I told her that I was pregnant. She told me what I already know; that I have to tell Remus soon, even though I'm scared. He said he didn't want to risk passing on the lycanthropy to a child. And I want to be understanding about this and make him happy, but I can't. I'm thrilled. I've wanted this for so long, but I'm just scared he'll be angry. Either way, I really have to tell him soon. I'll tell him tomorrow, I don't want his transformation to be worse because of me. He's been acting strange lately (so have I), we fought twice today and tonight he even told me I have to go to my parents' house to stay safe. He thinks it's Daniel's death catching up to me again, but it's not. I told him it wasn't, but I’m sure he didn’t believe me. Merlin, I am so upset with him right now! I know it's unfair, but he can be so stubborn! I know I told him I'd go, but I still don't want to. I told him I'd be fine here but he won't listen! I don't want to go to my parents' house. I want to stay home.

~Marlene McKinnon… Lupin.

Lupin. That was the last word in her diary. A hand tapped his shoulder and he turned around to meet the blue eyes of an elderly woman. "Sir, all you alright?" she asked, sounding genuinely concerned. Remus hadn't realized he'd been crying, and quickly wiped the tears away.

"I'm fine. Yeah,” he said, “I'm fine."

The woman glanced at the front of the notebook, and smiled thoughtfully. "It's a beautiful journal. If you don't mind me asking, do you know the owner?"

"Yes," he whispered, and his voice sounded far away. "I knew her."

{April 1979} {Before}

"Remus John Lupin, don't you dare!" screamed Marlene, flinging one of her textbooks at him. He dodged it easily and continued to advance, a devilish grin plastered on his face. "I'm studying!" she shrieked when he had backed her into a corner.

"You're not allowed to study today," he said, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"And why not?" she demanded, although her tone was less harsh. Remus chuckled and kissed her mouth.

"Because I love you, and because today is our one and a half year anniversary."

She bit her lip in thought and glanced over at her textbooks fleetingly before kissing him. "Oh what the hell. The Auror test will be easy. I can take a day off," she said.

"Excellent. And how should we spend this lovely day?" he asked, running his fingers down her arm, taking her hand, and making little circles with his thumb. She blushed a pale pink and smiled at him, her eyes aglow with mischief.

"Well I have a few ideas…" she whispered, kissing him again. Remus laughed deepened the kiss, walking backwards towards the maroon couch where he sat down and pulled her on top of him.

"I was thinking we could play a game of chess," he said cheekily and she ruffled his hair with affection.

"You're such a nerd."

"And yet you still put up with me…" he said, sighing dramatically. Marlene leaned forward.

"You have your uses," she told him, her hands playing with the bottom of his shirt.

"Glad to hear it Marls," he replied, pushing her backwards so he was on the top, while simultaneously pulling off his shirt. Marlene let a hand trail delicately down his hard stomach, and looped a finger around the belt-hole of his jeans.

"What about chess?" she murmured. Remus laughed, trailing kisses down her soft neck.

"It can wait."

{Present Time- 1980} {After}

Remus Lupin hadn’t left his bed all day. He lay curled up, his hand clutching Marlene’s Memoir Orb, her voice the only sound in the universe to him. It had been Mary’s idea to get the orbs, he remembered, and morbid as it was they’d all agreed. The orbs were like prophecies; though they could be heard only after the person recording the message had passed on from the world of the living. He had listened to James and Lily’s orbs, because he felt that he had to, but putting himself through the pain of hearing the others… He hadn’t touched them.

Except for Marlene’s. Today would have been their two-and-a-half year anniversary, and he couldn’t say why he had remembered it, but the dates were all big black X’s in his head nowadays, impossible for him to forget a single one. The orb had been sitting on the shelf for six months, but today, he needed to hear her voice.

When he’d turned it on, he couldn’t help smiling though his tears. She hadn’t left a message of words, she’d left a song. It was so typically Marlene to do something like that.

"When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom… let it be

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom… let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

And when the brokenhearted people

Living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be."

There was a crash at this point and a little shriek. Remus laughed out loud as he recalled entering the room one time and her shouting, stuffing something behind her, and breaking a goblet from the counter in the process. It was this, the orb. Her laughter from the orb mixed with his in the present, and he felt such loss suddenly that he nearly shut it off. But she was speaking now, and her voice was so beautiful.

"Remus! You're not supposed to be here… Mmm…”

He remembered he’d come over to make sure she was alright, kissing her lightly and winding his fingers into her hair. And then...

“… No, no… mmm… Remus, I need to finish this! Merlin's beard, I'll be down in a second!”

“I love you,” he heard himself say, and Marlene laughed, and there was the sound of them kissing again.

“Yes, I love you too, now go!"

He heard the door close, as his younger self left, and then Marlene began to speak again.

“Remus, you’re ridiculous, you know that? I really do adore you. I really love you. One day when we’re old, I hope I’ll have gathered all the words I need to tell you just how much. And I suppose that if I don’t, as this is the point of this silly old thing, thanks Mary dear, you’ll just need to…

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

And when the night is cloudy

There is still a light that shines on me

Shine on until tomorrow… let it be

I wake up to the sound of music

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Yeah, let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be…”

Remus heard her fiddle with the orb, trying to find the elusive ‘finish’ button, and then a triumphant ‘Aha!’ and there was no more sound.

One day when we’re old, he heard her saying, and the way she’d said it made it seem so entirely impossible for it not to happen. But it wouldn’t, he had to remind himself. It wouldn’t happen, because the orb was being listened to, which meant that she really was, completely and forever gone.

{Present Time- 1980} {After}

Marlene,

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly circling in the daytime, and falling into at night. I can’t tell you how much I miss you. When one person is missing the whole world seems depopulated. Mourning doesn't end after a year or a few months, that's a false fantasy. It never ends. But when people realize that they can live again, that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole, and not on their hurt, or pain or guilt—it changes. I've been living in a cage for the past eight months, because of my guilt—and knowing my nature that will never go away. But now I think I am starting to come to terms with your death. I am at least no longer in denial. You aren't coming back, and I have to stop this madness. I know you see Marls. You would say I have to go on. And I agree that I would be of no use to the world if I stay locked up for the rest of my life.

You wrote something once, that stuck with me. "Death is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away."

Well, I've been clutching it. I've been holding it so close to me, and it hurt at first, like real silver to someone like me, it sunk in deep, burning… But like with real silver I built up endurance. I'm stronger now for it, and I accept, finally, that you're gone. I'm not at the point where I can let you go, and maybe I never will be, but I can let it be.

Do you remember that poem you used to love? You used to read it over and over… I just remembered it now, and it’s strangely appropriate.

'Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.'

And it's true. You aren't this crumpled body under the soil. You're everywhere, and even though you are gone in that way, in another way you're still here. I can still feel you, love.

R.J Lupin

Remus Lupin took a deep breath and walked away. At the edge of the grave plot a small bit of soil was freshly dug up and covered over, where he had buried the letter. He glanced back one last time to look at the quote engraved on the black marble headstone before he apparated.

'Let It Be.'

{December 16th 1979} {Before}

[9:30 am]

When Remus finally emerged from sleep, he found that Marlene was not there with him. It was unusual for her to be up so early; in fact getting Marlene up before 11:00 was a task. Remus glanced at the clock and saw to his surprise that it was only 9:30. Where could she possibly be?

"Marls?" he called urgently, getting out of bed and pulling on a pair of boxers. No one answered. Remus hurried as he reached the staircase and crashed into a large pile of books on his way down, falling the rest of the way. He landed in a misshapen heap on the floor, but quickly regained his composure and ran into the kitchen, holding his side. "Marlene!"

There, on the kitchen counter was a hastily written note in Marlene's curling handwriting.

'Gone to Lily and James', had some girl things to discuss with Lily. Sorry if I worried you, but I didn’t want to wake you up early on a Saturday. Be back by 12, love you, Marlene.'

Remus breathed a sigh of relief and put the note in his pocket. Couldn’t be too careful with the state the world was in. He rubbed at his side. Only now did he realize how much it was aching from the fall down the stairs. He hadn't been feeling good to begin with, due to the Full Moon that was coming up that night. He glanced into the mirror hanging above the kitchen sink, and looked away quickly. He looked terrible. His skin was a sickly pale color, and his eyes were bloodshot. They were symptoms he was used to, but he’d never accept them.

He decided to not dwell on what he couldn't control and take care of what he could. His stomach was beginning to make strange noises.

[3:00pm]

Marlene walked in the door and was instantly enveloped in a bone-crushing hug from Remus, who had been pacing the living room since 1:00. He’d been about to send a patronus to James’s.

"Where the hell were you all this time? I was terrified!" he said letting her go, and then hugging her again. Marlene shrugged, returning the hug with less enthusiasm.

"I was at Lily's like I said, and on the way back I ran into Poppy Pomfrey, the old healer’s apprentice at Hogwarts, remember?"

Remus nodded, calming down. "I remember her. Brown hair, severe, bit like McGonagall. How was she?"

"Well she's head nurse there now, and she was just talking to me about how my training was going," said Marlene coolly, before walking into the kitchen, her pace quick. Remus sighed and followed, racking a hand through his disheveled hair.

"Marls, I told you that if you wanted to go back to St. Mungo's to get your working degree, I wasn’t stopping you." She was facing away from him, leaning into the counter and fiddling with her hair. Finally she turned around.

"I can't go back though Remus,” she snapped. “Not now, not until this bloody war is over!" She turned away from him again. Remus made his way towards her, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Marlene. What is going on? Something else is upsetting you," he said quietly, and she tensed. "What is it?" he persisted, but she wrenched herself free from his arms and walked over to the table, almost falling into the seat.

"There are just some things that you… don't understand," she said finally, placing her words carefully as though she was afraid of saying too much or saying the wrong thing. "Some things that are going on right now."

"Is this about Daniel?" asked Remus hesitantly. Marlene tensed and bit her lip.

"No, it's not. Remus, can we drop this please?" she said, getting up and walking out of the room. He heard her running footsteps up the staircase and the slam of a door, letting him know that he was missing something important.

[5:00pm]

"Marlene! Are you going to come down anytime soon? Suppers ready," called Remus up the stairs. Marlene had yet to come down after their… Well, Remus wondered whether one could even call it an argument. He still wasn't sure what had happened.

"I'll be down in a second!" she yelled from the bedroom, and Remus walked back to the kitchen, serving them both a heap of pesto pasta with homemade garlic bread. Marlene walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, looking composed although slightly nervous.

"You alright?" asked Remus, pulling a chair out for her to sit down.

"Yeah, I'm fine. This looks delicious by the way, thanks." She sat down and grabbed a fork. They ate quietly for a few minutes until Remus spoke up.

"Marlene, about tonight. It's the Full Moon— yes I know you know that, but I was thinking maybe you should spend the night at your parents' house."

The resonating silence pounded against Remus's ears as he watched Marlene lift her head slowly and narrow her eyes.

"Why?" she demanded. “I’ve always stayed inside the house. Its not like you can hurt me Remus, you're locked up."

Remus exhaled. "It's not me hurting you that I'm worried about."

"The Death Eaters then? They've never come before, why would they come tonight?” she cried, standing up and crossing her arms. “I can fend for myself, I'm a trained Auror! In fact I gave up my chosen career to become one."

"Marls—" Remus began but was cut off as Marlene slammed her fist onto the table.

"If you're angry with me, then just say you want me to leave. Don't hide behind pretenses of worry because we both know I'm capable of fending for myself. More than capable."

Remus took a deep breath and lowered his eyes. "I'm not angry at you. I just want you to be safe."

"I just said—"

"No, let me finish! You've been acting strange lately, and don't deny it, you have. I know Daniel's death was hard on you—"

"THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DANIEL!" screamed Marlene, breathing hard. "You have NO CLUE what this is about!"

Remus stood up too and clenched his fist. "Then tell me for Merlin's sake!"

There was a long beat of silence, and then Marlene swayed suddenly and sat down in her seat, placing her head in her hands. "I can't. God, I want to Remus, I do, but it's hard! Please, can we stop arguing?" she said quietly and Remus felt instantly guilty. He walked over to her seat, and standing behind her his fingers stroked the side of her neck. She breathed in deeply and let out a shaky breath before turning around to face him. Her dark brown eyes were watery and she looked paler than normal, but maybe it was just the light. The cheap chandelier had always given awful lighting.

"I just want to stay here,” she said.

"Please Marlene. Just this once, I promise. It would make me feel so much better, knowing that you were safe."

Marlene looked him straight in the eyes, and nodded her head. "Okay," she breathed. "I'll go to my parents’ house. But I'll come let you out in the morning, alright?"

Remus smiled and bent over to kiss her. "Alright."

December 16th [Five Years Later]

Remus Lupin had moved to France two years prior to this day. It was then that he had finally been able to start anew. Remus could remember the day clearly. He could see himself, two years younger walking to Marlene's gravestone on the anniversary of her death. Marlene and him had always had multiple anniversaries, celebrating everything, even the anniversary of Marlene's first prank. It was nice to have an excuse to celebrate, and leave the world behind for a bit. On that day, two years ago, he had felt different. Better. It had taken him three years to get there.

Remus walked to their old apartment and looked around once a year. He couldn't bring himself to sell the place, but he couldn't live there anymore either. He would lie on the bed for a while, imagining her dancing or singing or doing what she liked to call yoga on hard wood floor. He would picture her beautiful figure next to his on those nights that he was home in England, and some nights when he was in France too. There wasn't any way to actually forget her, but he could breath now. He could continue living life. Well, as much as a werewolf could with these new laws in place… Marlene would have hated it, he thought, smiling despite the fact that he was walking down to Godrick's Hollow to visit her grave, as well as Lily and James’s, and all of the rest who had chosen this plot. Mary had been buried in Scotland with her family, but he had gone over to visit her a few times as well.

Sitting down next to the snow-covered gravestone he took out his wand and began to lift the dirt from the place where he had buried that letter years ago. When he found it, he ripped it in half, letting the pieces fall the ground and flutter away like butterflies of some sort. Marlene had loved butterflies. Reaching into his pocket he drew out another piece of paper with only one line written on it.

'Death is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.'

#marlene mckinnon #remus lupin #marauder #marauders era #quicksilver #first wizarding war #harry potter

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