🏒Status: Completed / 2nd fic in Boston Bros Group Chat Crack series
🏒SUMMARY:
Cliff Marleau/Marlow gathers his closest Boston teammates in an abandoned group chat last used to plan a birthday surprise for their beloved captain, Ilya Rozanov.
The chat becomes chaotic before Marly can explain why he resurrected the chat. Shenanigans galore. Connors is catching strays left and right.
The boys are flying to play Montreal the following day. They remember that Ilya’s mysterious Jane lives in Montreal.
They start to realize that Ilya has only been hooking up with girls who have black hair, freckles, and brown eyes lately. Is Jane who he really wants?
Ilya Rozanov is a protector of drunk women. The boys are impressed and slightly jealous. They share some feelings and decide that they need to find Jane because Ilya deserves to be happy.
Boston loses to Montreal. The real story of the game is who was featured on the Jumbotron. The Shayden agenda comes to life again. Resurrected, just like the birthday group chat.
Ilya gets irritated and goes to meet up with Jane.
This can be read as a standalone, but it’s better in the series!
🔆This is a one shot fic. Chapter 1 is the final version (3.6K) and chapter 2 is the uncut version (4.8K).🔆
🏒NOTES:
This fic is meant to be 100% crack. The kind of crack that can only be created by my hot mess of a brain. AI could NEVER. FUCK AI.
The group chats are pure chaos because I imagine that group chats with hockey bros are likely this wild at all times, regardless of whether or not Ilya is there. We’re all lost and enjoying the ride. Connors is the annoying baby brother that you make fun of but would defend with your life. I promise that his teammates like him!
This is a Cliff and Ilya POV fic. I might explore more characters’ POV in future fics! The random tangents are meant to give an idea of who Ilya is close to and what goes on behind the scenes.
TD Garden: arena where the Boston Raiders/Bears (and the real NHL team, the Boston Bruins) play
Bell Centre: arena where the Montreal Metros/Voyageurs (and the real NHL team, the Montreal Canadiens) play
These events take place in the fall of 2016, pre-tuna meltdown.
🏒Status: Completed One Shot (potentially could be part of a series of one shots!)
🏒SUMMARY:
A tabloid article drops with the headline: FANS POSE WITH MONTREAL METROS CAPTAIN SHANE HOLLANDER AT LOCAL AQUARIUM AFTER HE PASSES BABY OFF TO UNKNOWN FRIEND. Accompanying photos are too blurry to definitively identify the friend.
Ilya crashes out. Hard.
The group chat for the Boston Raiders chaotically discusses the article and comes to the conclusion that the baby Shane is holding might be a Shayden baby.
Ilya rage baits Shane over text. They are still pretending that they are very casual.
Ryan Carmichael texts Hayden Pike to learn the truth.
The group chat reluctantly tables the Shayden baby angle, but they still have suspicions about the fans who created this mess.
Jackie is giving Hayden a blowjob on the couch. She makes a slurping sound which unlocks a repressed memory, but he can’t place it. Unfortunately, he’s so startled that he knees Jackie in the face, causing a nosebleed. In a panic, he calls his best friend to help him to take Jackie to the emergency room. Shane has no idea that he’s indirectly set off this chain of events.
FALL 2022 - Montreal
Married Shane and Ilya are having a casual night at the Pikes’ house when Jackie decides to take a stroll down memory lane. Of all the memories, she decides that the nosebleed incident is the one that they should revisit together. Hayden is losing his mind, Shane is trying to wrangle his husband, and Ilya is there to make sure Hayden knows what REALLY happened.
OR: The cottage phone call mute button worked, but the pieces that had slipped through were lodged somewhere in Hayden’s brain. He’s reminded mid-blowjob and Jackie ends up injured. 5 years later, he tries to make sense of those memories.
OR OR: Ilya terrorizes Hayden
🏒NOTES:
Trigger warning for some blood mentions in relation to a minor injury! I need you to please suspend reality and pretend that Jackie’s bleeding timeline fits perfectly, that the ER is 5 minutes away, and that this is the deadest night in said ER which is how they got seen ASAP. I’ve never been to the ER in Canada; my experience is from the U.S. system only. Also, I know that they would speak French in Montreal. If you can meet me in this magical reality, this might work out for us.
There is NO domestic violence, but the possibility is raised as a formality. If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please visit No More Global Directory for resources in your country.
Title is inspired by Scott Hunter’s “debacle” comment at the Sochi Olympics.
My attempt at Heated Rivalry text/tweet/tumblr edits 67/?
Image descriptions and text for accessibility below the jump:
1. Image description: Ilya smirking at an interviewer as he speaks to the media while shirtless
Text [by slayyyter on Twitter]: even people that hate me love me a little bit secretly i think
2. Image description: Ilya and Shane racing each other up the stairs to Shane’s apartment
Text [by soft-anomaly on tumblr]: Just because I “long for their undivided attention” and “daydream about pinning them against a wall” doesn’t mean I’m gay that’s just how rivalry works. / “homoerotic undertones” my ass I just want my rival to be down to fuck
Text [reblog by soft-anomaly on tumblr]: to FIGHT I MEANT DOWN TO FIGHT
3. Image description: Shane leaning against the sink in the Vegas hotel public bathroom after talking to Ilya at the MLH awards ceremony
Text [by sarahlugor on Twitter]: spongebob was always ugly crying about something on that show and tbh i get it
4. Image description: Ilya looking skeptically at Shane after he approaches Ilya outside of the rink
Text [by cxrtezs on Twitter]: i believe in annoyed at first sight
5. Image description: Ilya at the bar at Ciel staring out at the dance floor where Shane and Rose are dancing together
Text [by convictedloner on Twitter]: if i sit in rice would it fix me
okay but svetlana waiting to surprise ilya makes me laugh imagining a scenario where ilya gives shane the code to his door to let himself in after a game in boston because he has to go out for at least a bit to celebrate someone's birthday at a bar, and shane is feeling oddly pleased by this, being allowed into ilya's home without ilya being there like they're-
and then svetlana hops out saying "SURPRISE!" anD UH YEAH IT SURE FUCKING IS A SURPRISE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING
WHO ARE YOU
*realizes he just got caught letting himself into ilya rozanov's house with his overnight bag on his shoulder*
svetlana has an "ah ha" moment of confirming suspicions, smirks slightly and raises an eyebrow and just, "hello, jane"-
-and shane fully passes out
now she's gently dabbing his face with a cold cloth and deciding that now he and ilya HAVE to get married because this MUST go in a wedding speech one day
My attempt at Heated Rivalry text/tweet/tumblr edits 66/?
Image descriptions and text for accessibility below the jump:
1. Image description: Ilya entering the locker room in his hockey gear yelling and pointing
Text [by pegsephone on tumblr]: god made me bisexual as a gift to all of you, so maybe you should start acting a little more thankful
2. Image description: Shane and Ilya looking at each other and having an animated conversation at the Tampa bar
Text [by hanfjob on Twitter]: *pulling petals off a flower* it’s so over we’re so back it’s so over we’re so back
3. Image description: Shane standing in front of the mirror in the Vegas hotel public bathroom while yelling at Ilya (not pictured) during the MLH awards ceremony
Text [by zohaszn on Twitter]: me when im mad at my man / (text bubble) never ever talk to me ever again for five minutes
4. Image description: Ilya working out in the Boston Raiders gym while Shane is on the tv screen above on a Montbray commercial
Text [by z-m-3 on tumblr]: some of u aren’t carrying a constant yearning for love that consumes u and that must be nice
5. Image description: Ilya glancing over at his father who is standing off to the side as Ilya and the Boston Raiders owner? general manager? coach? talk on draft day
Text [by bebthos on Twitter]: occupation: the family disappointment
thinking hudson williams is hot is the most embarrassing reputation ruining annoying thing I could have done tbh like ohhh my god really? tall big muscles golden skin pretty hair and big brown bottom eyes kind man is hot? god fucking really. are you fucking stupid I hate myself. oh you think shane hollander is hot? fucking shane hollander? groundbreaking type shit going on here oh my god he’s tall should we tell everyone he’s tall and he's kind to people and his eyes twinkle wow she thinks the attractive man is attractive. you and everyone else. is pizza your favorite food too. fuck you. everyone look at her she thinks SHANE HOLLANDER is hot boundaries are really being pushed over here should we get her a medal because she thinks Mr Smile is easy on the eyes. “hear me out” and it’s a fucking marching band. should we call people magazine. vanilla. I DISGUST myself. summer blockbuster. I should be killed
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