Something About Jesus

18/Canadian/not particularly religious but we go to a catholic school Here are somethings we’ve over heard in our school Sometimes posts might be in French but an English translation will follow

[maidthings]

Cardinal singing outside my window just fucked up his call and had to start over. Lmao

[duckdotcom]

he'll never be the new pope at this rate

[baddingtonbitch]

wouldn’t it be funny if mary magdalene was like i hang out with dudes because it’s less drama and then all that happened

[nessa007]

[cannibalchicken]

[fish-celestialbody-adjective]

[bentrollio]

Hold on I’m Jewish I gotta look some things up

[bentrollio]

Yeah this is pretty funny

[sadden]

i wish noah had swatted the two mosquitoes from his ark

[rapewhistled2013login-deactivat]

she said spank me and i slapped her with the word of the lord

[ooliviakate]

[anthonycrowleymoved]

sometimes i’m like ‘fanfiction can’t shock me anymore i’m numb to it’ then i find this shit

[anthonycrowleymoved]

every moment of a cumulative thirteen years of catholic education is simultaneously screaming out in agony at this reply

[rustbaby]

Tbh the only way an average-looking guy could get 12 hot guys to follow him around and hang off his every word is if he’s the only top

[anthonycrowleymoved]

[butlerbookbinding]

Obviously Christ was a top, the Catholic Church keeps reminding us he’s inside everyone, and the one and only time he got nailed, it took him three days to recover.

[moonisneveralone]

So ain’t nobody gonna ask OP what they were doing looking for Jesus/Judas fanfiction?

[anthonycrowleymoved]

trying to find jesus/judas fanfiction to read i thought that was obvious

[lorddoordash]

OPs url makes this the funniest thread I’ve ever read in my life

[jerks-deactivated20200603]

saving eye contact for marriage

[overheardincatholicschool]

an incomplete list of weird things i heard in catholic school

- I would fight god but im an atheist

- What are you looking for in a boy

A girl

- You cant seduce the train

- For the last time (name), isis and nazis are not the same thing

- Whats a gynecologist (to our math teacher in the middle of a lesson)

- Wait youre an atheist.. Does that mean you worship satan

- If they try to kick me out i will drive my car to the front parking lot and staple myself to the roof and i wont leave until they kill me

- I may as well commit mass murder im goping to hell anyway

- Please stop calling god “daddy” -our religion teacher

[overheardincatholicschool]

do u take submissions bc i heard the stupidest shit at school just now

hey yes we do! sorry for being inactive we’ve both graduated now but would love to hear your overheard stories!

[bogleech]

If God supposedly made humans in his own likeness what IS the deal with apes was he just like "me if I were a ugly hairy bastard lol"

[greenmossloveisreal1998iloveyou]

any Catholics online ? I got some questions.

[newurl69]

Yeah I'm catholic whatsup

[greenmossloveisreal1998iloveyou]

how do i reach heaven through violence

[the-marxist-mash]

Its called a crusade and you need to get the Pope's permission first

[ovur]

People who ship idols are like way too comfortable let's bring back cyberbullying

[seannosdrinker]

Moses coming down from Mount Sinai and seeing the golden calf

[king-monky]

Angels in the Bible: “Hey do you - stop screaming I’m sent by God - do you need help getting out of this situation?”

[secifosseluce]

as much as the concept of Jesus being a fairly normal lad has its charms, im personally very intrigued by the idea of him being just… extremely weird. not even in a mystical sense, just…….staggeringly BIZZARRE. 

you go to the well to get some water, and here’s Miriam’s boy, staring at the sky, completely still. his expression is unreadable. you hazard a hello and ask how he’s doing, and he slowly, unblinkingly, lowers his gaze on you (he’s 8 and is missing his frontal teeth, not that this is making you any less uncomfortable) and says “I cannot speak of the state of my being, Nathan son of Saul, my brother, but rejoice for the water you shall take today will be as pure as the soul of the children of Heaven”

…you start sweating

[secifosseluce]

normal person in 1st century Nazareth: making my way downtown, walking fast

*sees J boy, 8 yo, staring at you from across the street*

normal person: walking faster 

[secifosseluce]

even funnier, the only person 100% on board with his Prophetic Kid Talk is his mother Miriam, an otherwise placid, absolutely normal woman around 25 or so

kid JC, coming home at twilight, a single white dove following him and chirping with weirdly human-like precision:

 moth̫́er,̦͌ ̮̉i h͙̉av͔̽e ͓͗b̘̃r̞̓o̮͘u̲̒gh̟͒t̺́ you a do̗͐ṽ͙e̢͘ ͈̾m͒͢a͈̽dē̝ ỏ̘f ͈̓c̆͜l͔̂aỷ͇ aṋ̑d̳̿ g͢͞i̹̾fted̖͡ ̻͐it ͓͂w̖̿it̎͜h t̥̃h͙͒e ̨̒m̧̂i̡̍ŗ͒â̫cḷ̔è̤ ̛̻of̞̅ l̘̈i̛̦fè̳

Miriam: ! that’s my little boy :) now let’s go get ready for dinner :) 

her husband Yosef, a carpenter who only marginally got signed up for this: 

[bargains-by-duckface]

This post is so Christian, but it’s the spicy kind of Christian that gets you murdered by other Christians for heresy, so I’m torn.

[secifosseluce]

literally biggest form of compliment i’ve ever gotten

[cephalophor]

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

[nakedinasnowsuit]

God: where’s Abel?

Cain: fuck if I know??? I’m not in charge of him

[thewitchway]

It is TRAGIC that you can’t read this in the original Hebrew.

God:  Where’s the Sheepkeeper?

Cain: Do I LOOK like a Brotherkeeper? 

[careful-crow]

God: hey where’s Abel???

Cain: