why not celebrate this day be opening up about past emotional trauma and distress?? :))) i’m going to talk about how i met my ex boyfriend, what our relationship was like, and the breakup. i don’t want to use his real name, so let’s call him noah. so, it was the last night of the summer term for me, which i have to say, was particularly rough. i was exhausted from the amount of course i had done over the previous weeks, and honestly, i just wanted to fuck the shit out of someone. so i was browsing thru tinder and i came across his profile. he looked cut but he had no bio along with only two pictures. but “fuck it” i thought, and it turns out we matched. and so he messaged me first and ever messaging back and forth for a bit, i realised he was on stan twitter (as am i) and we suddenly started to have a real connexion. he stans ariana and i stan nicki, so we were a pretty solid match. he lived on the other side of campus, so we agreed to meet half way at the library and we walked back to my place. after making small talk for a bit, we finally turned on the music and started to kiss. and idk what he thought, but i thought it was just gonna be a quick hookup and then i’d feel guilty afterwards like normal. but instead, we fell for each other. we ended up having sex for around four hours (although most of the time it was just making out whilst naked and wanking each other off). i don’t think either of us had ever lasted that long before. and it was rather intimate and romantic sex, which is something neither of us had had before. and we just couldn’t keep our hands off each other. we stared into each other’s eyes and were addicted to each others lips. when we walked back to the library at around 2:30 in the morning, we were holding hands and really getting to know each other. we exchanged numbers and continuously texted and face-timed each other for the next two weeks while we were back home, waiting for the autumn term to begin. when i finally saw him again over 2 weeks later, at nearly 10 at night on sunday, the very first thing i did was push him against the wall and kiss him. i was so into him, i guess i was sorta in love with him. (i’m on the verge of tears whilst typing this and listening to ghostin’, btw.) we soon had sex and i spent the night in his room and slept in his bed. nights like those were my favourite. snuggling up with him in his bed, giving each other little kisses and just showing small, warm bits of affection. it’s what i miss the most. so over the weeks, i’m art his place nearly every day just spending time with him and having heart eyes for him. but slowly, things changed. he slowly wasn’t treating me the same as he once was and it seemed like he was becoming less and less interested. he was even already asking if we could have a threesome and if it was okay for him to still be on tinder. then he told me that he wanked off to someone elses nudes from twitter. i was hurt by that but we quickly made up. but later that night, he asked me if we could go back from the “dating” stage to just the “talking” stage. he said that everything would be the same between us apart from the name. but that’s when things really started to change. about a week or two before we broke up, he was feeling really ill and so i offered to go to his room and help him and take care of him. so i helped him out with his laundry and a few other things. well, remember I have ADHD so it’s really easy for me to forget and misplace things. so i dropped one of his detergent pods somewhere on my way to the laundromat and explained what happened and he got annoyed. i also must have not been paying attention when he explained to me that i needed to separate the sheets from his clothes when changing from the washer to the dryer, otherwise they wouldn't get dried properly. well, when i brought his clothes back up, i forget why, but he was annoyed that i wasn’t doing something the way he wanted or that i couldn’t remember something. so he went to have shower while i folded his clothes and put them away. when he finished having a shower, he stared yelling at me and was really upset that i put his clothes away in the wrong place and that some of them were still damp. and i was upset that i was being kind and doing him a favour and that he wasn’t showing any bit of appreciation and seemed annoyed that i was even there. then he stared being sarcastic with me and i couldn’t take it anymore and i started crying bc i was so hurt. and it was only then when he started saying sorry and giving me kisses and trying to make me feel better. i told him that i felt like he wasn’t even attempting to be patient or understanding of my ADHD, and told me that he has trouble bc he’s not a very patience person. after another two week s of feeling like i was putting more effort into the relationship than he was, i finally asked him if he even felt the same way about me anymore. he said he didn’t, and soon we pretty much broke up, telling me that it was him ,and not me. and of course, i couldn’t stop crying (although i am quite sensitive and a bit of a cry baby) and i kept wondering what i did wrong and why it was my fault, and it took a very serious toll on my well being. i was already feeling depressed bc it was that time of the year, but after we broke up, it felt like my entire life was falling apart. i felt worthless and my grades were slipping and i was just really going through a terrible time. what made it all worse was how alone i felt. i couldn’t mention a word to my parents bc their homophobic, and i don’t really have any proper friends at university. noah was basically my best friend and i suddenly pretty much lost him. i had let myself get too attached too quickly and too easily and now i was suffering bc of it. it got to the point where i wanted to overdose on pills and hurt myself. although i didn’t overdose, i went to several of the multi-story car parks and i wanted to go to the top floor and look down to see if i had the guts to jump. after a few nights of doing this, i sat on the ledge of the 2nd story, and actually jumped. i honestly surprised myself, i didn’t think id actually do it. and it was one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. i nearly slipped unconscious from the excruciating pain and i could barely walk for several days. it turns out i had fractured my lumbar vertebrae and that i need physical therapy, and the only way i could get that is from medically withdrawing and going home for it. when i told him what i did, he told me i was an idiot (in a loving way, if that makes sense). what i didn’t understand was that he was also saying his final goodbye to me for the term and wanted to avoid me after that. he blocked me on snapchat and instagram and unfollowed me on twitter shortly afterwards as well. he told me he was avoiding me bc he wanted me to get over him and felt like that wouldn't happen if we continued to hang out together. i felt so emotionally damaged as if i had hit rock bottom when i finally got home. it was both a relief and also painful to be home bc it felt like a failure and i just kept crying so often. as the weeks went by, i thought it was slowly getting over him, but when i came back to uni, i realised just how much i’m not over him yet. when i first saw him (and it was genuinely by accident), my heart nearly stopped. we had a bit of small talk but he didn’t stay for long. i wanted another excuse to see him again so i bought him a mini birthday present (his birthday was only a few days before the spring term started) and so i got him his favourite sweet with in a gift bag of his favourite colour. when we finally met so could give it to him, he told me i didn’t have to and then he called me extra for remembering his favourite things. he did actually thank me but i felt annoyed that he called me extra, bc im always called that just for expressing my emotions the way i do, and it makes me feel like i’m not being taken seriously or that i’m being annoying. a month went by before i accidentally ran into him again just this past monday on the 11th. this time, he was with his friends and barely said hi to me or even looked at me. and if it weren’t for the fact that i had ordered food and was waiting on it, i would have just practically run away. it made me more sad bc i’m only now truly aware of how much i’m still into him, which is what yesterday’s post goes more into detail about. and it’s sad bc this isn’t the first time i’ve been emotionally damaged. but that’s another story for another day.
blakekathryn
stormborns
baratheonpilled
turnnoffyourmind
ellievsbear
