Tags : Reader is disabled, self-doubts, wallowing, reunion
You return on the Chimaera after giving Thrawn the silent treatment and lock yourself in your former cabin. But Thrawn won't let you wallow without intervening
Thrawn x F!reader
You put Benedict on the table. You’ll need to give her some water.
You spin on yourself, observing your old cabin on the Chimaera. After what happened with Thrawn the other day, you couldn’t look him in the eyes. Too embarrassed and flustered. You spend the rest of the time avoiding him, much to his dismay, but he respected your choice.
You take your luggage and roll it to your bed. You still feel the dark look Konstantine gave you when you crossed paths with him on the Relentless. He was not happy at all.
But Thrawn’s orders are absolute, and he demanded your help to chase the Wyvern.
You open your luggage and start putting your clothes away in the closet.
You feel so weak.
You fled like a coward, leaving Thrawn alone in his office. He seemed satisfied, but your mind was in shambles, conflicting emotions raging inside you. You got back the Relentless and proceeded to ignore his next calls.
You could not face him.
Until you couldn’t postpone it anymore and had to take the call after a whole week of radio silence. You tapped ‘accept’ with a trembling hand, ready for the berating.
“I am pleased to hear your voice, Cha’cah.” He simply said.
He did not berate you, chastise you, reproach you about anything, not even for ignoring him for an entire week; he just seemed… relieved to finally hear you.
You thanked the Maker for the patience Thrawn had with you and your childish whims.
“Your next appointment is soon. Do not forget to go back on the Chimaera.
“I know, don’t worry.” You immediately reassured him.
“Prepare your luggage for the next several weeks of hunting.”
“I will be here.” You assured.
He remained silent for a short moment before taking back the floor.
“Are you alright, Cha’cah?”
“Yes!” You responded too quickly to be honest.
“Alright. I wish to discuss some subjects with you. I hope to see you soon in our quarters.”
Your heart fluttered at the mention of ‘our quarters’, you felt it clench with so much love it threatened to choke you.
“I prepare my luggage and I am here.”
“Good. I am relieved to finally hear you again, Cha’cah.”
You bit your lips guiltily.
“Bye!” And you cut precipitously.
Once you were on the Chimaera again, you actually ran to your former cabin before he could be there to meet you, entering and locking yourself in. You leaned against the wall, trying to calm your beating heart.
And now you are here.
You take your spray bottle and spray Benedict until her leaves are shiny with water, when you hear a knock on the door. You open to Thrawn, straight and hands clasped behind his back. He does not appear amused at all.
“This is not your cabin anymore.” He simply announces.
“Really?” You play dumb, already feeling a cold sweat but forcing a large smile on your lips, “Where should I go then?” You fake laugh.
He raises an eyebrow, not amused in the slightest, while you have all the pain in the world looking into his eyes.
“Let me enter.”
You step to the side, obedient.
He observes how you already tidy up the room, all your stuff neat and tidy in their former place, even Benedict on the bedside table. He approaches it, gently brushing a leaf with his knuckles before turning to you with an incredibly serious gaze.
“Why are you avoiding me?” He asks bluntly.
Ooch, never beating around the bush.
“I am not avoiding you.” You forcibly laugh.
He simply looks at you, completely unconvinced. He raises a single eyebrow, unimpressed, pressing you to spill the truth right here and there.
“I… It is complicated.” You gulp.
He comes to you, taking your chin between his fingers to force you to meet your gaze.
“Is it because of what I did?”
You gulp.
“It's not… What you’ve done. It’s what I feel.” You try to explain.
He sounds your gaze intently with his rubies; he appears so calm and collected, so confident in himself, making you feel ridiculous and minuscule.
“We need to talk. Join me in our suite.” He said.
You wince, and he tilts his head.
“Is there a problem, Cha’cah?” He insists.
“I… cannot face you right now.” You admitted, “I am a mess.”
He tenses up slightly.
“Do you wish for me to give you some space?”
You immediately feel that you struck a nerve, that he feels rejected. You immediately understand your error. He opened himself to you, and you fled.
So before he can do anything or say something you could both regret, you just launch yourself at him, hugging him tight. At that distance, he doesn’t have the time to do anything and receives you with a gasp.
“I am sorry, Thrawn! It is my fault, I have to walk through my own issues!”
You feel his hands sneaking around your back, embracing you. You release your breath, relieved.
“Why do you avoid me right now?” He asks softly.
“I have a lot in my mind, a lot of emotions in my heart, and I don’t know my true place anymore! Can you give me just a little bit of time? I just need to sort one or two things!” You brush your cheek against his chest, squeezing him in your arms.
“Is everything alright?” He demands, “Can I do something?”
You raise your gaze to meet his with imploring eyes.
“Just give me two or three more days to think.”
He looks at you with a line of tension on his forehead. He remains silent, gauging you before asking.
“Did I shock you the other day?”
You raise on tiptoes to kiss him, but he evades, awaiting your response. You bite your lips, feeling guilty.
“I need to… deconstruct certain things.” You admit, “But I still love you, I still want you. Will you forgive me?”
He slowly leans forward to kiss your forehead.
“This is what we are going to do: I will give you some space for two or three days for you to think through your issues, and then you will join me for dinner at our quarters and we will talk seriously.”
You purse your lips, nodding to him. He kisses your forehead again, tenderly, squeezing you one last time.
“I will see you on the bridge.” He says before parting from you and leaving you alone.
You let yourself fall on the bed with a sigh, heart pounding in your chest.
You need to talk to someone, and you know exactly who!
“Aaaaaah… I am not displeased to not have Konstantine on our back.” Karyn mumbles, “Always nagging through the loudspeakers…”
Slouching in her chair, she threw her head back to make her spine pop. You take another sip of your juice, making the glass clink on the metal when putting your hand down.
“Me too! It is agreeable to escape him sometimes.”
The mess hall is pretty calm at this hour, but you know in less than 15 minutes it will be cramped again by starving officers.
“I bet you do. Working under him must be a pain.” She sighs.
“Oh yes, it is.”
“I wish we had alcohol…” She groans, “So you wanted to speak?”
You press your lips in a thin line, searching your words to start the conversation.
“I am in a weird headspace right no., I have a lot of questions about my couple.”
She takes a gulp of her drink, looking straight at you.
“Question about Thrawn?”
You nod.
“What’s the matter? He is too alien for you?” She tilts her head.
“In some way? Yes. He conducts himself bizarrely.”
“What did he do?”
“He encroaches on my domains and duties. The other day, he did all the dishes behind my back and took care of the laundry.”
“Did he do it wrong?” She asks.
“No! But that’s my job as his girlfriend to do it, no?” You insist.
“I can’t really speak for straight couples.” She says pensively, “But from those I know, it was always the domain of the woman indeed. How was it with your other partners?”
“I took care of everything! And they let me do it without asking questions or meddling in it.”
She purses her lips.
“Maybe… They operate differently in the Ascendancy? They don’t have any droids; people must take care of all that.”
“The men?” You ask, raising an eyebrow unconvinced.
“Who knows?”
“It’s ridiculous.”
She winces in response.
“Is it? I split the tasks with my partner.”
“That’s not how I have been educated.”
“Well, I was educated to find a guy and marry him, and here I am.” She retorts, “With a woman and in the Navy.”
“He also tried to cook.” You add.
“How did it go?”
“He can’t cook to save his life. That’s proof he shouldn't mingle in my chores.”
“Don’t you find it nice that he tries?” She insists.
You lower your gaze to your glass, mind spinning. Do you find it nice?
“Yes, but… I don’t know, he is a Grand Admiral, he shouldn't have to do that! If my mother heard that I wasn’t taking care of my man, I cannot imagine her reaction.”
“Yes, I remember your mother. But she’s on your homeworld while you're either on Coruscant or in space, why should her opinion matter?”
“She’s the one who taught me everything! She educated me and gave me her values.”
“And don’t you think her values might be… outdated?”
You wince.
“Quite the contrary, since the Empire took place, they have never been so trendy.”
“But you didn’t keep them all. You remember the look she gave me when she understood my preferences? Yet you stuck with me.”
“Because it was utter nonsense!”
“So you agree her values may be flawed, why not all of them?”
“My point is: if the values and way of life of the former Republic were so great, why was the Empire born? If they were truly superior, they would have held on.”
“Why do you think Eli Vanto and I stuck with you if we didn’t find your values good? You keep attracting misfits to yourself because you make them feel good. Maybe it is time for you to accept change again?”
“But… What’s my point if I cannot help him in his daily life? He has other things to worry about, campaigns to plan, officers to form, and people to manage. This is beneath him!” You clench your jaw.
She simply looks at you in silence, gauging you.
“You think I am bitter?” You ask, suddenly worrying.
“No… May I be brutally honest?” She asks suddenly, incredibly serious.
You straighten your posture, ready to have anything thrown at you.
“Okay?”
“Are you scared?”
“What… What do you mean?”
“All that talk about your duties and chores and domains as a girlfriend, it’s like you tie your value to your capacity to submit and serve him, and I find it incredibly unnerving.”
You remain mute, contemplating her words.
“Hearing you, this is like you think you are unworthy of love if you do not obey and follow him. And I know you, you take care of everyone, you go above and beyond to please people, but like… this is pathological? Like when you were with that governor, it was scary to see the length you would go for his approval.”
“I… I don’t know, I always took care of everyone around me, my family, my younger cousins, my friends, my boyfriends… That’s all I ever knew.”
“Did you ever stop once and ask yourself if it was your role to take on all those chores?”
“That’s what they all expected of me… My family wanted help, my partners too.” You say dumbfounded, like you were making any sense.
She looks at you with sorry spelled in her eyes.
“I have my own set of problems, but you seem to have a completely other can of worms to deal with.”
“Is… Is that bad, you think?” You inquire.
“(Y/n), you have a lot of deconstructing to do.” She hits you with.
You take your glass and finish it like it was burning gin, but it’s only juice.
“I agree with you, I wish we had alcohol too…”
“Did you speak to him about all that?” She inquires.
“No, we are supposed to do it tomorrow.”
“Good. Maybe it will open your eyes.”
You ponder that all conversation, making it spin in your head, making it conflict with your entire education.
“That’s why I asked you.” You admit, “Your lifestyle is completely different from mine.”
She extends her hand to take yours and squeezes it gently with a soft expression.
“(Y/n), I only want your happiness, and I see how happy he makes you. You looked terrible in that hospital, completely destroyed, but now you follow a therapy, you have resumed training, you catch up with people that…” She wrinkles her nose in disgust “Governor… Made you cut ties with.”
“But I have so many questions today…” You plead, taking your head between your hands.
“Honey, of course you have questions, you come from completely different backgrounds. You need to try and find how to work together. Maybe you were simply on autopilot with all your former partners, maybe you were in survival mode all this time. Maybe it is finally time to think about yourself for once.”
You take a deep breath to the depth of your lungs, a headache showing up.
“Speak with him, (Y/n). He is a reasonable man; he will understand.”
“Maybe…” You rub your face with your hands, slouching in your seat, “Why are couples so complicated? I envy you, Karyn; you seem so in control of your life.”
“Do not think that. I have plenty of problems.”
You open your hands to look at her. She frowns, making her drink twirl in her glass.
“Everything good with Pyrondy?” You start worrying
“Oh yes, things could be worse, but we communicate and we try for each other. She took me by surprise the other day. She started to talk about marriage.”
You raise your eyebrows in surprise.
“Oh! And how do you feel about it?”
“I don’t know. I feel like she wants to get married for the wrong reasons.”
“Why?”
“She wants to get married before the unions of same sex get outlawed by the Senate.” She darkens.
Your heart pinches, you heard the Senate was discussing the possibility of taking down that law.
“It’s not retroactive?”
“Apparently, it will not, but soon marriage will be impossible.”
“I am so sorry, Karyn.” You say compassionate.
Suddenly, you feel very dumb and childish to complain about your stupid problems when they both have to face that!
“I know. A lot of people are. That will not prevent it from happening.”
You stand up to come sit near her and take her in your arms, hugging her tight. This news is just another one from a long series of repressive laws the Empire installed recently, and it is not going in the right direction.
“Karyn… I truly am sorry, I wish I could interfere and save this right for you.”
You squeeze her tight and feel her hand caressing your arm in response. She’s not one to cry, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want a hug.
“Do it.” You finally let out.
“What, marry her?”
“You love her, don’t you?”
“Yes.” She answers resolutely.
“Marry her.”
“I don’t know…”
“Think about it then. Seriously.”
“I know… At least Thrawn leaves us alone.”
“What do you mean?” You part from her to look at her.
“We were alone in the break room, kissing each other, when he entered completely unannounced. We panicked, but he walked past us without a single glance, serving himself a cup of caff and got out without a single word.”
“You must be relieved.”
You don’t say more, but you are relieved too; if he had said anything or done anything, your couple would have encountered a serious problem.
“We were terrified for a solid second. I’ve heard enough stories about superiors dragging us to the mud after spotting us.”
“Fuck them!”
“That’s also why I cannot stomach Konstantine.”
You refrain from snarling. This guy is truly not the most intelligent of the bunch. He ordered you and some other officers to keep a close eye for “indecent behaviors” on the Relentless, as he called it, and sanction any infringers. You just warn “the culprits” you found to be more discreet on the ship and turn a complete blind eye when you are alone with them and lie to the face of Konstantine, ‘No indecent behaviors under my watch, no sir.’
Because fuck that dick!
No one should be sanctioned just for loving someone else, something that doesn’t get through his thick skull.
“I can’t bear him either.” You assure.
Does Thrawn know he asked you to do that?
Karyn sighs in your arms before letting you go.
“It is time.” She says moodily, “We should go back.”
You offer her a comforting smile, pushing a strand of hair out of her face.
“You alright?” you ask softly
“I must.”
You stand up and head back to your post, a hand on her shoulder offering her warmth and support.
Big love to @pencil-urchin, @waterdeepwhiskey, @deerancha for still being out here creating and thriving and encouraging. Thank you for everything you continue to pour into this fandom and for creating spaces that really are for everyone.
Gale was still entombed when I killed the Phase Spider Matriarch...and not at all concerned about it. What a trooper.
"ALWAYS a delight to speak with you. Even right at this inopportune moment. What can I do for you? I'll get right to it as soon as my hands are available to do so."
people really just walk into horror movies and expect them not to deal with uncomfortable things despite the genre being dedicated to discomfort.
i saw so many people complain that lisa frankenstein, a movie where one of the leads is famously a rotting corpse, was too gross for them. when i walked out of nosferatu, i heard people say that the nudity was uncalled for... in a vampire film. nudity? in MY gothic horror?! unheard of!
a LOT of people really need to accept that maybe some genres just aren't to their taste, idk. not every movie needs to be cookie-cutter clean. sexuality is a staple of gothic horror, if not the wider genre horror in General. you don't need to enjoy it, but it doesn't make these things uncalled for.
I wonder if this is consistent outside of the US or if it's just Americans and our bizarre obsession with the American Dream and the idea that everything is meant for us.
little kids make me laugh. i was at a party yesterday and a kid was there and she noticed that i have a long straight cut along the length of my thumb and asked about it, so i told her it was a cat scratch, almost healed, didn't hurt. and then she was sorta staring and touching it for a bit and went "you had bone surgery. because there were termites in your bones."
so i played along and went "oh man, i hope they got em all!" and she went "no. they put in more." lmao
Btw, this is how conservatives keep getting to claim that trans people are a new thing no one has ever heard, because our history and existences have continually been erased or obscured systematically through out history.
The most famous example was 92 years when the Nazis raided the library of the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft, the medical practice where the term transsexual was first coined and the first gender affirming surgery was performed in in 1931.
What did the Nazis do after raiding the library on May 6th, 1933? You may be familiar with these images
Inside me there are two wolves. One wants to be healthier and stronger and eat less junk. The other is on their period and in pain and miserable and wants to consume an entire chocolate fudge cake.
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