Here comes the second part of thiss : https://www.tumblr.com/petit-naldo/749746157184516096/jealousy?source=share
The few days in Monaco help clear his head. He makes a point of staying away from social media, from anything involving Lando or Carlos. He breathes. Finally. He relaxes, just a little, after what feels like an eternity of tension.
He likes being in Maranello. Because even if Carlos gets along well with the mechanics, it’s mostly just the two of them. Meeting after work hours, alone. Their friends aren’t there. Teto isn’t here. Lando isn’t here.
Then they have to fly to Miami.
Charles has always heard people say that acknowledging a problem is already half of solving it.
Knowing it’s jealousy doesn’t ease anything.
And the madness in him resurfaces. Because he needs Carlos to be on the plane with him. He can’t accept the fact that Carlos has arranged to fly with Lando. So he skirts desperation when he claims to have a stomach bug, just to move his flight two days later — which, by some absurd stroke of luck, happens to be the same day Carlos is flying.
He almost feels bad when his exhausted assistant tells him he’ll have to fly with Carlos; they couldn’t find him another option on such short notice.
He feels a flicker of guilt toward her.
He almost feels pathetic, too… almost.
But when Carlos greets him with a wide smile and a warm, drawn-out “Charlitoooooo,” settling into the seat in front of him, everything else fades away.
The flight is long, and Charles eventually drifts onto social media. That’s when he notices people rambling about how, during the last Miami weekend, Carlos and Lando went on a Carlando golf date.
So, casually, while they’re playing chess — one of their favorite ways to compete off track — he asks,
“Do you have any plans for Miami already?”
“Mmmh, no… maybe some golf,” Carlos replies. “And you? Are you going to catch a basketball game?”
“Yeah… this isn’t about me, Carlos. Are you going to take lessons?”
“No. That’s a shame, but the schedule’s a bit too tight for that…” Carlos trails off, almost forcing Charles to ask again before finally adding, “I’ll probably go with Lando.”
His heart starts racing immediately. Heat rushes up his neck, his mouth goes dry, red creeping onto his cheeks before he even opens his mouth. Because he knows he’s about to act foolish.
“Hmm… actually, would it be a problem if I came too? I’d like to practice a bit.”
Carlos looks at him, and Charles sees it — that flicker in his eyes. Carlos has noticed something is off.
He’s stupid. The stupidest man alive. But the image of Carlos and Lando alone on a golf course at sunset — Carlos’s hands on Lando’s narrow waist, correcting his stance — is enough to make him want to rip himself out of his seat in blind rage.
“Why?” Carlos asks, suddenly stern. The smile drops from his face, and Charles feels his heart turn to glass.
That’s it. That’s the proof. He’s upset because I’m intruding. Because I’m ruining a date.
Then something cruel settles in instead.
He won’t back down. If he has to split them up, he will. Carlos is his.
“I asked you so many times,” Carlos adds quietly, “and you always had better things to do.”
Because I was an idiot. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. The truth is, I don’t even like golf. I’d rather do something where I could impress you. But the thought of Lando being there with you makes me sick. So I have to come.
Of course, he keeps all of that to himself. He only shrugs, waving it off, trying to sound casual.
“You’re always talking about how great this course is…”
“Okay. Yeah, sure, if you want to…” Carlos replies, flat.
Thanks for the enthusiasm, Carlos.
Charles can’t understand why Carlos seems so irritated by the idea. It’s almost maddening.
Carlos raises an eyebrow, skeptical, then turns his face toward the window — a clear signal that the discussion is over.
Charles needs to cheer him up, shift his moody mood. So he waits a bit then straightens his leg till his chin presses against Carlos calf. He pushes a bit, playfully.
I need to make you fall in love with me
"I've written a lot of music lately do you wanna give me your feedback ?" He asks with the utmost innocence and big smile.
" Okay ..." Then watches through the window for five minutes before pushing again
" I'm bored don't you wanna play..."
Carlos looks at him, his eyes exasperated but his lips almost shivering into an amused smile, Charles knows him too well, he sends the most puppy look he can
" Give me your music" finally gives up Carlos
" You're not mean uh it's my heart and soul you have in your hands I'm very self consci... Eh !" He screams while Carlos steals his headphones with a dismissive
He sticks his tongue out and Charles plays the first track.
He has played a loooot of piano lately it's the only thing keeping him sane. Allowing him to discharge a little bit of the torment in his head.
Carlos closes his eyes humming a little bit, smiling softly already all signs of annoyance vanished from his face. Charles feels as though a cool balm has been applied to his aching, burning heart.
“I love it! It’s really cool — kind of laid-back. What did you call it?”
“Yeah. Actually, I’ve been trying to create one track for each circuit.”
“Ohhh,” Carlos perks up, visibly excited. “Okay, okay — cool! How many have you done already?”
“All of them. I started last year. I mean, some aren’t very good, but—”
“Tstststs,” Carlos interrupts, grinning. “Play them for me. I’ll guess which track each one is!”
Carlos showing display of his usual competitivness endears him even more. He's so happy he feels like he could burst into a balloon of heart shaped butterflies. Ew.
They play guesses for a while and Carlos smiles, laughes and touches him and doesn't seem to think about anything else in the world. He’s interested in him and wraps his whole attention around him, making Charles feels the best he ever felt, and Carlos understands his music so well which means he understands his soul. Right ? He's so gorgeous when he smiles and closes his eyes, it makes Charles' heart swell so much, that it justifies anything stupid or pathetic Charles might certainly do in the future.
Oh yes those eyes, those lips are gonna make him do really stupid things.
Starting now since he has to bite his tongue not to shout :
I could make you so happy !
It's true. He would care so much, love him so much, they get along so well, they always laugh, and they share mostly the same points of view and hobbies and... why can't he see that? They are predestined, meant to be. Why can't Carlos see it?
Now Charles feels like he's about to cry, and he certainly doesn't want to cry in front of Carlos, so he turns his face towards the window, eyes shut, to hold back the tears, breathing gently until the knot of frustration in his throat loosens.
Therefore he doesn't notice that the one he's longing and pining over is watching him intensly.
" What's this one ?" Carlos asks, voice almost chuckled. Charles jaunts surprised in his daydreaming and looks at him. Carlos doesn't smile anymore and his eyes are darker.
Charles lowers his gaze to his phone and his body betrays him as he blushes immediately. It's the one song he created last, trying to channel his conflicting feelings towards Carlos, angst, fear love, affection, jealousy, confusion... that's the one he named very stupidly "sweet and sour chili" he can't help to hide his screen to make sure Carlos never sees this shamefull title.
Apparently he's been obvious even through piano. It could be a compliment. His music being so telling and transparent.
" Because Charles, it's obvious I can feel it... Who is it ?"
He panicks and starts to sweat.
It is you, I spend my days thinking about you and my nights dreaming about you. I wanna cook breakfast for you every morning of the world and slip my tongue inside you mouth. I wanna kiss you on the cheek and let you do unspeakable things to me.
" It's the Monaco track !"
" We passed this one already, see, you're lying to me ! Tell me who it is !
The end of the flight passes in a cold, awkward haze. Carlos seems almost angry that Charles won’t tell him about his crush. Charles feels cornered, backed into a wall, and instinctively grows defensive.
Thankfully, the flight is nearly over.
Then, they have to split only to meet each other at the golf course the next morning
Lando seems happier than Carlos to see him. What a joke. Carlos seems preoccupied with something else, constantly talking to Lando in a low voice — annoyingly animated — just quiet enough that Charles can’t hear a word. He barely pays Charles any attention, and the neglect gnaws at him, frustration building with every minute. So much so that he tips back into madness.
He pretends to throw his ball into a bush so he can hides there a little bit and spy on their conversation.
He nervously sees them getting closer, still animatedly blabbing. Carlos looks angry and Lando guilty, and annoyed.
“You promised me you'd stop seeing him ” Carlos snaps.
“Do you think I’m stupid? I saw the way you looked at him!”
“Oh, you’re one to talk!” Lando shoots back.
“I agreed to stop — but you had to as well. Don’t think I didn’t notice how you act around him. When we talked, that night you couldn't sleep, we agreed that for your own sake you had to put some distance with him, cause it messed with your head too much ! And yet I see you constantly giggling, touching — ”
Charles’s stomach fills with a block of ice. He feels sick. He might actually throw up.
Carlos is gay.
Carlos is in a committed relationship with Lando.
And Lando is talking about Teto, he's sure of it.
His world shatters into a thousand pieces.
He doesn’t need to hear anything else. He turns and walks away, desperate to pull himself together. At the ice cream stand, someone even asks if he’s okay — he’s gone deathly pale.
The sky has fallen on his head.
He’ll never get over this.
He nods, barely aware of what he’s doing, but he doesn’t have time to recover before Carlos comes after him, strides determined, expression unreadable.
Charles follows him like he’s underwater — numb, unfocused — only snapping back to reality when Carlos gives him a gentle nudge on the shoulder.
"Charles" Carlos says calmly, “tell Lando about your friend who would like to date him.”
"What ?" Charles feels his mouth drying instantly, and his heart who had stopped beating for 10 minutes starts to race again like he drank ten coffees. Oh yes. He remembers that lie he told Carlos in Shanghai.
"Who is it" asks Lando a bit curious. "is it Vincent ?"
"No no neither," his voice is shaking and he feels red like a tomato. They both look at him a bit surprised at the fact that he seems so shaken he tries to regain composure,
"I'm not sure you talked before."
"So how does he knows he has a crush on me ?"
Charles shrugs the best he can, feeling that his body is not his own anymore
"I dunno actually. maybe it's physical."
Lando sighs like a drama queen tilts his head towards Carlos and states
"See ! Its nothing serious."
Charles can't lift his eyes cause he feels Carlos brown pupils drilling into his soul. He knows Carlos did not buy this blatant lie. Carlos knows him too well. So he excuses himself and leaves mortified. And Carlos and Lando resume talking. Like always.
Why ? Why this curse ? Everything was so simple before. Before this devouring obsession. He wants to cry. He wants to talk about it to someone. But who ? He's already gone too far in his crazyness.
In the afternoon they have a meeting and he tries to talk to Carlos but the Spaniard does not even look at him. And he was thinking this couldn't get anymore worse than at the golf course. He doesn't even understand what is happening now, he doesn't feel like he did something bad to Carlos except letting him break his heart into pieces.
"Did I do something wrong ?"
"Are you serious Charles ?"
Carlos pulls him by the arm, almost violently to shelter them from indiscrete eyes,
"Oh please it's obvious you have a crush on Lando ! HIM ! HIM ! out of all the people that exists !"
Charles open his eyes big in shock and surprise, it's the first time he sees Carlos shouting in his life, loosing composure like that ;
"What are you talking about ?"
Is Carlos mad at him cause he thinks he wants to steal Lando from him ? He wanna drowns himself. Is that how much Carlos loves Lando ?
But Carlos keeps getting angrier,
"Oh stop lying ! I've seen your little game, every time I talk about him you blush, you keep asking me questions about him, you even came to golf to play when you knew he would be there and you hate golf. Oh and that song you wrote I'm not stupid ! You got a crush ! On him !
Carlos seems so angry and distressed by the thought that it sends like a stab in Charles gut. How did they get there ? He feels like he's loosing touch with reality
"I didn't say anything to you because I didn't want to embarrass you but com'on Charles ! you even invented a "friend" that's the oldest move in the book. You gotta stop ! Carlos is clearly shouting, almost frantic. Charles has never seen him like this, he is red and agitated almost as much as him.
Carlos thinks he has a crush on Lando. Carlos. Charles feels his knees almost caving.
Blood roars in his ears, and before his brain can catch up with his tongue, he blurts it out. He needs to hear it from Carlos’s mouth — even though he knows the words will bury what little remains of his heart.
“What’s the problem?” Charles presses, voice trembling. “You do love him, right?”
He needs his answer, he needs to know.
“That’s not the point!” Carlos snaps. “I’m sorry, Charles — you can’t. It’s… it’s too hard for me. I can’t see you with him. Don’t you understand?”
Oh yes I understand. You're in love. With someone who never in a billion years deserves you.
"WHY? WHY does it bother you? Why don't you want me to be with him? SAY IT!” Charles shouts, unable to hold back the tears glistening in his eyes.
“Because it’s Lando!” Carlos replies, exhausted, grabbing Charles’s arm in desperation.
Charles yanks himself free and shouts back, “Leave me alone, Carlos!”
He can’t take it anymore. It’s too much disillusionment, too much pain. The weight of realization crushes him. It was never going to happen. He hadn’t had much hope to begin with, but still —
Now the world is grey, tasteless, reduced to ash.
Carlos seems to love Lando so deeply that even the idea of Charles interfering causes him this much anguish. And that truth hurts more than anything else.
Charles leaves, he runs, he hides in a dark corner. He sobs.
It's too much he can't pursue this it's too violent too painfull he hasn't eaten in three days
He want to rip his heart out and throw it in the fake plastic marina since he doesn't need it anymore.
His secret has already hurt too many people. it hurt Carlos, clearly. And it probably hurt Lando too since he's been really rude to him.
What in the huge mess has he done.
So when Lando gently knocks on his appartement door in Monaco 10 days after they all took their distances he promises himself he's gonna put an end to all this. Smother the fire.
"Hey, I thought we should talk"
“Carlos told me you had a crush on me and...”
“Lando...” he tries to interrupt again. But Lando finishes hastily like he wants to make sure Charles doesn't get any ideas.
“I'm already in love, and with someone so...”
Charles tries to reassure him anyway, because Lando looks very embarrassed, which is normal since he thinks he's about to break his heart. So he makes a gesture of disdain, as if what he was about to say hadn't been the source of dozens of sleepless nights.
“Yeah, I know you're with Carlos.”
“What ? No ! I'm with Mahone, didn't Carlos talk to you about it! Well, he really doesn't like him at all, but you know, he's not so bad, okay, he's married, but he says that...”
Charles has to take a moment to process the information.
They are not together. Yeah, okay... but Carlos is still super in love with Lando, otherwise why would Charles' alleged crush on the British boy be such a problem?
He listens to Lando's frankly problematic love story with the football player and nods politely. He doesn't deny it. Because otherwise he knows Lando will guess that it's all about Carlos, so he humms, trying to look slightly pained.
Then he apologizes profusely for his behavior over the past few weeks. Lando is a really nice guy because what Carlos had pointed out as being pretentious was more like “taking jabs at Lando at every opportunity” and even Lando taking it as a crush was worrying in terms of what the McLaren driver considered to be emotional feelings.
"Why was Carlos so upset about it then ?"
Lando seems embarrassed, he scratches his head, breaking eye contact,
"I strongly suggest you ask him this yourself,"
"Well, I'm asking you ! Is it because he has feelings for you ?"
"Does he? " Lando exclaims, eyes wide. He doesn't seem to be feigning surprise.
"I don't know, you tell me!"
"No, he doesn't! Why would he? Are you crazy?"
"It kinda seems like he doesn't want anyone near you! Me, Mahone..."
Lando stands up abruptly and pinches the bridge of his nose, looking as if he suddenly has to solve a Chinese puzzle.
“Charles, I swear on my first trophy, he doesn't have feelings for me.”
Charles makes a doubtful face but nods and apologizes again for his behavior, and Lando leaves him, thinking that he doesn't seem very upset for someone who has just been politely rejected.
