griffin mcelroy voice: welcome to my fun comedy show for jokes :) in this episode, listen as a man begs one of his closest friends to kill him so he doesn’t forget his missing wife’s face
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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@petraliten
griffin mcelroy voice: welcome to my fun comedy show for jokes :) in this episode, listen as a man begs one of his closest friends to kill him so he doesn’t forget his missing wife’s face
im ganna make a post thats going to cause some of you to vividly remember 2009
Let’s go to candy mountain
a concept
Steve Rogers, who has recently woken up in the twenty-first century, googles “advice for the modern era” and accidentally discovers My Brother, My Brother and Me.
“We asked you to send in questions related to World War II and Superheroes, because this week our special guestspert is… Captain America??? How did we get Captain America on the show???”
“Please, call me Steve.”
“I legally don’t think I can do that, sorry.”
G: Rogers, can I call you Rogers, Rogers?
S: …Do you want to?
G: –NO!!! Fuck. Oh shit, I said fuck in front of Mister Captain Rogers, FUCK
S: Oh, can we swear on the radio now? Thank Christ, it’s about fucking time.
J: we’re….*gurgling* we’re not on the radio, exactly
T: Captain Mister Rogers Captain Sir could you say bad words again so I could keep it as my ringtone?
S: Sure thing, pal. *pause as he leans in real close to the mic* …Shit.
G: *audibly clutching his entire face* Oh My God We’ve Corrupted Captain America
S: I know of a few people who might say they had a hand in it too
G: Sam The Eagle Is Going To Fly Down And Strangle Us With an American Flag
T: Isn’t Sam the Eagle a muppet?
S: I know that reference! Little known fact, ‘Sam the Eagle’ is what we call the Falcon when he’s grumpy.
G: *audibly falls off his chair*
this makes me want to cry
First of all, “…they were surrounded on all sides by echoes and images of themselves, in a world where image and object had not yet torn themselves apart” is one of the most poetic phrasings I’ve ever heard.
Second, here’s the original source, “What the caves are trying to tell us” by Sam Kriss.
Third, the original opens with: “Every so often, I get the urge to drag someone into a cave, and show them something unspeakable.”
I had another point, but it got lost in the artful prose of this article.
I feel like “every so often, I get the urge to drag someone into a cave and show them something unspeakable” is something that’s okay for a paleolithic cave art expert to say, but like, absolutely no one else
this is so sad alexa play take it back by jimmy buffet; nautical wheelers byjimmy buffet; jolly mon sing by jimmy buffet; steamer by jimmy buffet; treat her liKE A LADY BY JIMMY BUFFET; MAÑANA BY JIMMY BUFFET; WHEN SALOMEPLAYS THE DRUM BY JAMES BUFFET; HAVANA DAYDREAMING BY JIMMY BUFFET, what the FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU (i had a case of the mondays!) are you fucking HAUNTED? are you fucking POSSESSED? you USED to be my BROTHER
Sometimes I wonder if native English speakers appreciate how much more comfortable the internet is for them than for the rest of the world
Like, you can go on tumblr and simply read stuff in your mother tongue? Amazing. Go on youtube and you don’t have to replay some sentences ten times to try to understand what they’re saying? Incredible. Look for practically anything on google and know that there will be a fuckton of results that you can read without having to spend half the time looking up words in a dictionary? Fascinating. Make a post or send an ask without panicking that you’ll make a silly mistake or that they won’t understand what you meant? Unbelievable.
@dovalayn I did. I’ve studied English for about 10 years and I have the official diploma for the C2 level (the maximum for a non-native speaker) given by the University of Cambridge.
But it’s still my 3rd language and there will be always things that escape me, mainly the slang. Always. Because you know you are always less than the majority. And it’s tiring.
That’s all I’m saying. It would be nice for once to not have to make the effort. And effort is something that no matter how many years of English class I take will always be there.
But not everyone can do that. Some people can’t afford private English academies or are bad at languages, and they should still be able to exist online as well. Why are you so bothered by people not speaking English perfectly? Or by people posting on the internet in other languages??
Since you think my English isn’t good enough, I’d like to see how you do in your 3rd language, and if you don’t get tired after a while 🤷♀️
@dasakuryo
I hope @no-passaran doesn’t mind me going on a sort of tangent here, but the fact English is a lingua franca is, like it or not, permeated by features of linguistic imperialism.
Native English speakers are used to having the world, and by extension all non native speakers, accommodate to their language. If someone doesn’t know English then said person is uneducated, isn’t wordly, is not qualified enough. If a person doesn’t pronounce English like a native, they’re pronouncing it wrong. Tourists are expected to speak perfect English and be proficient in it to avoid any inconvenience to native English speakers when travelling abroad to English speaking countries (USA and UK particularly, yet interestingly enough we are demanded to speak in English when these people visit our countries). These are all mindsets and situations that exist and are part of the broader context, in which English does operate on linguistic imperialism grounds on a global scale; I’m going to quote Phillipson really quickly:
Linguicism: the ideologies and structures which are used to legitimate, effectuate and reproduce an unequal division of power and resources (both material and non-material) between groups which are defined on the basis of their language (i.e., of their mother tongue). This condition is best seen within the broader context of linguistic imperialism - an essential constituent of imperialism as a global phenomenon involving structural relations between rich and poor countries in a world characterized by inequality and injustice.
Language expansion is considered an essential part of a core country’s policy of extending its power and influence in order to achieve its imperialistic strategies. Phillipson holds that the legitimization of English linguistic expansion has been based on two notions: ethnocentricity and educational policy, with ‘ethnocentricity’ being the “practice of judging other cultures by standards of it own.” These two practices have been used to impose a distinction between languages. It has also been a way to promote the notion of the assumed inferiority of secondary languages with respect to the norms determined by the dominant culture.
Phillipson takes this notion one step further with ethnocentricity transformed into that of ‘anglocentricity’ with the consequence that the dominance of English is justified in terms of such oppositions as superiority/inferiority, civilization/backwardness, progress/regress, the first element of which is constantly attributed to the dominant English language.
According to Phillipson education serves the imperial center by having three functions: ideological, economic and repressive. The ideological function serves as a channel for transmitting social and cultural values. In this role English is regarded as a “gateway for better communication, better education and higher standards of living.” The second function – economic – legitimizes English as a means of qualifying people to contribute to their nation and operate technology that the language provides access to. The third function – repression – serves to dominate languages.
Linguistic imperialism calls attention to the potential consequences of English teaching worldwide when center country ideologies are embedded in instruction, having the effect of legitimizing colonial or establishment power and resources, and of “reconstituting cultural inequalities between English and other languages.”
[Cited and paraphrased from
-Phillipson, R. 1992. Linguistic Imperialism. Oxford. Oxford University Press. -Phillipson, R. 1988. Linguicism: structures and ideologies in linguistic imperialism. In J. Cummins and T. Skutnabb-Kangas (eds.), Minority Education: From Shame to Struggle. Avon: Multilingual Matters.]
It’s… interesting, for the lack of a better word, how non native English speakers must even accommodate to native English speakers, when in actuality non native English speakers far surpass natives by several millions and, if anything, it should be them who ought to change, not us.
English becomes our second/third/etc language, we use it with several degrees of proficiency, being affected all the time by our L1, or all the other languages that we might know, we are constantly building on our current interlanguage and gaining a better grasp on how to operate with English. When we talk or chat with other NNE speakers with whom we don’t share a language, we make ourselves understood, we manage to sort any misgiving in communication, if we make a mistake we re-phrase, re-arrange, express things in another way. We are communicating, we still get our messages across despite some slips of the tongue, little mistakes or even a few errors here and there.
We are able to engage, through the use of English, in cross-cultural exchanges, in cross-linguistic exchanges that are allowed by using English as a lingua franca. We are making the language ours, we’re reclaiming the language that for so long was used to shush us down and we’re using it as an asset, we’re using it as a weapon, we’re using it so our voices cannot be silenced any more.
Our messages do get across, they can be understood. When native English speakers claim our Englishes aren’t clear, or we aren’t making any sense, they are really not making the extra effort. In short, many are uncapable of cross-linguistic and cross-cultural exchanges and communication. It’s easier to say we don’t make sense, and by extension snuffing us out, than paying attention to what we are saying.
And we don’t only have to defend our languages and our cultures in a globalised world (in which the normalised culture is that of the center), but we also have to use English as a tool for doing it.
And we should be allowed to express ourselves, exist online without having to constantly accommodate to native English speakers. Because no matter how good our English is, how proficient we are, someone is always going to argue we aren’t good enough, that we aren’t trying hard enough.
an entomologist rates ant emojis
Beautiful big almond eye, realistic and full of expression as she gazes gently at you. Elbowed antennae and delicately segmented legs and body. Gorgeous pearlescent sheen like she is glowing. This ant moisturizes. This ant is round and huggable. This ant is a star. 11/10.
Beautifully detailed, lifelike pose but with an unexpected neck and odd antennae, perhaps scared straight. Her eyes suggest she has seen things. Her expression confirms she has seen too much. She is haunted and I want to know more. 7/10.
Floppy antenna, pointy muppet face, oddly posed legs. What is she? She has no waist. May be she is some kind of bee in disguise? I find her unsettling. 3/10.
This ant has an unexplained, double-jointed thorax, and no evidence of a waist. Her four-footed pose suggests that she a centaur rather than an ant. Centaur ants would be cool. I’m not sure what was intended here. 2/10.
Good first impression, kind of bland in the details. This ant has no particular waist to speak of, floppy rather than elbowed antennae, and an inexpressive face. Her color scheme is soft and hazy. I like the sharp angles of her stylishly sophisticated legs. This ant may not know quite were she is going, but she knows how she is getting there. 6/10.
Were you even trying. 0/10
Gasp! This ant is elegant. This ant has a beautiful tapered thorax, a segmented abdomen, alert, elbowed antennae, and a light-footed pose. This ant’s face suggests curiosity and a desire to explore the world. This ant inspires me. I want to be like her. 10/10
3-legged, waistless centaur-ant with strange, limp antennae and a beak. I don’t know what this is? It kind of reminds me of a Hork-Bajir. 1/10, not an ant.
This ant… makes me sad. All of her legs are broken. The MS Paint art style and gradient abuse convey distress. She has a duck beak. Despite this, her expression suggests perseverance and determined cheerfulness. I want this ant to have a better life. I am rooting for her. 3/10
This ant is a bold and challenging mixture of photorealism and caricature. She is broad and low-built and seems very sturdy. She looks like she would help you move. This ant is a dependable friend. 9/10
A picture of an ant from a children’s book. She is wearing little boots. This ant is wrong in every way, and yet I can’t stay mad at her. 7/10
An interesting, top-down view of an ant; her legs are positioned with slightly jarring symmetry. Nevertheless, her overall impression is that of a graceful, stylized design, like a pictograph. She is suitable for adorning fine garments and jewelry or perhaps gracing the walls of a tiny ant church. I like this minimalist ant. 8/10.
This is a termite. -10/10
the president of nigeria is about to fuck boko haram up and cut his own salary in half and criminalized female genital mutilation
the president of guinea built/is building infrastructure and school and wells all over the country and is decreasing youth unemployment exponentially
the president of cote d’ivoire made school mandatory of children ages 6-16 and banned plastic bags while also building ultra modern trasportation infrastructure
the future is for real in africa
I think this should have a hell of a lot more notes on it than it does. This is what good news looks like folk, and the continent of Africa surely deserves a shed load of it.
Today (April 7th) is Remembrance Day for the Rwandan genocide. While Rwanda still faces challenges, their recovery has been incredible. They now have the highest percentage of women in parliament around the world (one of only two countries to have over 50% women), their gross national income has risen each year, and life expectancy has risen from 48 in 1990 to 65 in 2013.
Who decided we have to give up pure and wholesome things just to grow up? Sleeping with a little Pikachu plushie does not mean I don’t also make my own doctor appointments.
reblogging because I think there needs to be more notes and more people comfortable with the idea that adulthood is a lie.
DO NOT DISMISS SOMETHING A CHILD IS PROUD OF. LOOK AT IT. POINT SOMETHING OUT AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE IT. IF A CHILD DRAWS YOU A RAINBOW, TELL THEM YOU LOVE HOW IT HAS RED. THEY WILL THINK “WOW. IT DOES HAVE RED. THEY LOVE HOW I PUT RED IN IT. I PUT RED IN IT. AND THEY NOTICED.” MAKE SURE YOUR CHILD KNOWS YOU ARE PROUD OF THEM.
Audio:
Griffin: Uh, this message is for Sunflower Station and it’s from…Sunflower Station. Who says, aw man, [deep breath] Hewwo? Hewwo, Mcewwoys?
I realized a while ago that these messages on their show cost 100 dollars. Someone payed 100 dollars to hear Griffin McElroy say hewwo and that person is so fucking valid
Last year, my grandma asked me if I had a boyfriend. And I realized, in that moment, that I’d quite forgotten to come out to Grandma.
I actually love the ungrateful millennial trope, because I went to the V&A today and took a lot of photos of statues’ butts, and it tired me out, so I went to the café and had a cup of tea. In the V&A café, there’s a piano that customers can just use without asking, and a man sat down at it and started to play. I know nothing about music, but it sounded great to me.
At the table next to me was an old couple, probably in their late 60s, and the man kept tutting and sighing as the chap played, and I heard him mutter to his wife, “this is a [insert musty dead white composer here], there should be more MELODY,” and he just kept griping.
Now, to me, an ignorant and uncultured millennial, it just seemed super cool that we were essentially getting a free piano accompaniment to our Earl Grey, and so I stayed a while to listen, because this guy had some balls getting up there to play in front of us all, and I wanted him to feel appreciated. I also live tweeted it, and the old man kept glaring at me for being on the phone. I kid you not.
When he was done, we all (including the grumpy old man) applauded for him, and he looked really surprised. I thought I’d let him know how much I loved it, because I have terrible social anxiety and am trying to get out of my shell a bit, so I approached him and said “I know nothing about music, but I really enjoyed hearing you play,” and he BEAMED.
Turns out that he’s a concert pianist over from Toronto and we essentially got treated to a free preview of his concert tomorrow night. We chatted for a bit and then I left, and the old couple still looked really grouchy.
But hey. Ungrateful millennials!!
Trust me. Millennials have been so deprived, you can give them a free napkin and they will cry. Old people have been so spoiled that you can literally give them a free symphony and they will bitch about it. Nothing satisfies old people.
Funny professor quotes, now linguistics themed:
“You can walk a goat but you cannot walk this noun”
“It’s not a person, it’s not a place, so it better be a thing or I won’t know how to classify the world and I will be scared”
“You can try to read it, but I have a PHD and reading it made me want to die”
“Can I be goating in the field? No.”
“Imperatives are weird, if I don’t know how they work, you certainly won’t”
“I don’t want it in your hearts I want it in your minds”
“People make noises all the time that aren’t sentences”
“We’re baking a delicious syntax cake”
“Yoda does constituency tests for fun”
“This is a triangle of laziness and this is the triangle of ignorance”
“You can’t utter an infinite sentence because you’ll die someday”
“I will call this sentence 1 and this one sentence b)”
“Should the professor steal the book? … Yes, books are expensive”
“There are many devourable things in the world, mostly nouns”
I know many linguistics professors and I could literally imagine any one of them saying all these things.
wait………….
is THAT what “smash mouth” means?
oh. my. god.
This post has no reference or explanation and doesn’t need one at this time, but years from now we need people to remember when Smash Mouth murdered Khaled and solidified pussy eating culture
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
Read about each victim of the Orlando Pulse shooting here. Remember their names, their faces, and their stories.