If Alastor went to the meeting in heaven, his sole purpose would have been to antagonize everyone and he unintentionally stops the exterminations.
Adam: Those fuckers are sinners. They had their chance and squandered it. What does it matter if one dies when twenty more pop up?
Charlie: And that's why we want to help them. If they are willing to work for it, then they deserve a chance without fearing a second death.
Adam(condescendingly): Look, toots, they are a disease, yeah? So that means we gotta eradicate them so they don't spread their sin.
Alastor(fiddling with his staff while sipping a drink offered to him during the tour and not looking up): Okay, Hitler.
The entire courtroom goes silent.
Adam: . . . Who the fuck is that?
Alastor: Damn, that's so sad. You're a Nazi and a moron. Alexa, play despacito.
No one could tell where the music came from but it started blasting in their ears.
Charlie(speaking over the music): Not helping, Al!
Alastor(taking another sip): That’s kinda the reason I'm here, my dear. I don't know how you keep forgetting that.
Adam: Don’t ignore me, bitch!
Alastor: I don't negotiate with Nazis nor do they deserve the time of day.
Sera: Could you please stop saying Nazi?
Alastor: They were a group of people in the 1940s who sought to eradicate all jews and everyone who they claimed weren't part of the so-called “Aryan race”. They committed genocide and horrific torture on millions.
Alastor: I mean, if the uniform fits. Although, looking at you now, I can’t be sure if your actual uniform fits. You have spent years committing a genocide on a group of people you believe are inferior and don't align with what you think is acceptable. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably gonna start invading Czechoslovakia and blitzing the British.
Charlie: I can see your point but maybe you could have done a bit of sugarcoating the truth.
Alastor(with a genuinely sincere face): My dear, if I tried sugarcoating the truth, his fatass would probably try to eat it.
Emily: That’s kinda harsh . . .
Alastor(taking another sip): My dear, I need you to understand that I have nothing against you but do you know what else is “kinda harsh”? Your sister organizing a genocide and the first man leading it.
One of the councilmen mumble in the background to the angel on his left. “Hasn’t he been drinking that for the last hour? Did someone give him one of those never ending whiskeys? The giggly kind?”
Adam: Look, I don’t have to listen to a creepy loser like you. I bet you even play with yourself at night.
Alastor(tipsy and offended): I bet you play with your stomach, you fat bitch!
Adam(tearing up): Why would you say that? -
Sera: Why don’t you let us handle this, Adam?
Alastor(shrugging and trying to chug the rest of his drink): Laazzzy sscaarrreddyy bbaaaabbyyy ~
Adam(tears in his eyes and being held back by Lute): I’m not . . . I’m not scared of you!
Alastor(absolutely hammered and cheerfully throwing his glass to the floor): Shut up, you lonely ass, ugly ass, bitchless dumbfuck!
Vaggie(genuinely enjoying herself): You know, bringing him along wasn’t so bad.
Lucifer: Okay, I very much so need an explanation as to how you managed to bully Adam into giving up.
Alastor: I’m not entirely sure. My memory started to fade after I said that he reminded me of a weiner muncher I knew of.
Lucifer(trying to hold his composure): I need you to be very serious when you also explain to me how you got away with saying Adam gobbles dicks.
Vaggie: He called him a Nazi.
Vaggie: He did also specifically call him a weiner muncher around the end while throwing sausages at him. I couldn’t really see but I think one of those sausages was actually a dildo. We don’t know where he got either of them.
He turns to Alastor and gets on his knees.
Lucifer: How do you feel about moving to a palace?
Charlie(nervously): As an advisor, right?
Lucifer(leaning to her and whispering): Not now, char char. If I get this right, you are gonna get a new mom.
Charlie: I . . . I think I’m okay with that. Please continue.
He turns back to Alastor and gives him an award winning smile.
Lucifer: It’s not exactly an advisor but we can talk about details later. (mumbling to himself) Over dinner and in bed.
Alastor(trying not to laugh because he heard all of that): I’m not sure . . .
Lucifer: It has a dungeon.
Alastor(turning to wink at Vaggie then going back to Lucifer with a coy tone): Oh, I don’t know . . .
Lucifer: I plan to set you loose on the sins and Ars Goetia.
This is where I got some of the stuff for the post.
