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@postapocalypticbonsai
The most basic, intractable fact about mental illnesses is that you simply cannot willpower your way out of them. The only exceptions to this rule are the ones I have, which continue to disable me due to lack of determination and other grave personal flaws
Quote of the day
I’m seeing a lot of people saying this post changed their brain chemistry, and as a neuroscientist I wanted to say yes!!! Yes it does!
Wanting something requires dopamine signaling, but liking something doesn’t.
If you have a mental illness/disorder that affects dopamine, you might feel that you don’t want to do the things that you like. You do still like them. You will appreciate having done them.
Let your likes guide you.
(If you want to read more, here’s one experimental paper about it. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5171207/ This theory called the incentive-sensitization theory was originally created to explain behaviors in addiction but can be applied elsewhere as well)
Rewards are both ‘liked’ and ‘wanted’, and those two words seem almost interchangeable. However, the brain circuitry that mediates the psych
If you're trying to tell someone that something they did inadvertedly hurt your feelings, and they treat this conversation like a debate where their goal is to successfully argue that they did nothing wrong, and that you have no right to feel upset, that's your cue that you should give up trying to have any kind of a real, genuine relationship with them. Everyone will sometimes end up doing something that you hadn't realised would upset someone you care about, you can't be constantly aware of every single thing at all times. But turning the following conversation into an argument of uncompromisingly justifying and defending their actions is a sign you shouldn't ignore.
They don't think that upsetting you is the problem. What they have a problem with is you thinking you deserve better than how they want to treat you.
While I ultimately agree so I'm reblogging, just adding an additional perspective of my own:
It might not be so malicious a motivation. Instead of having a problem with "you thinking you deserve better than how they want to treat you," it could be zero percent about you and 100% about them in their mind (even ifthey can'tconsciously express this). It could be that the problem they have with this situation is the idea that they're doing harm, ESPECIALLY the idea that they're doing harm when they think they aren't.
I've met plenty of people that fall into this alternative category, where they ONLY see how hard they're trying, how stressed they are, how "good" of a person they're striving to be (from their worldview), and then they're told that - no - in fact they are hurting someone. Which can sound like "you are wrong, you are bad, you do bad things, and this has always been true and will always be true" so they get defensive and reactive.
All that is to say, the end result is the same: they may debate and defend instead of purposefully listen to your needs. YOU don't have to be the one to try to walk them through "how to calmly listen to someone without becoming defensive" or "how to reasonably accept criticism and talk through interpersonal issues" either way.
It might seem callous, but I don't think it matters why someone is defensive about being allowed to do everything exactly their own way and will not consider doing anything different as an option. If someone starts telling you that doing things the way that upsets you is the only option they have, it's really irrelevant to you, personally, whether they do it because they have a traumatic childhood and too much on their plate and were never raised right, or whether they're just choosing to be a jerk.
If someone keeps shitting on your car windshield year round, and you're sick of scraping frozen shit off your windshield every single morning through the whole winter, it doesn't really matter how good of a reason they have to keep doing that. If you can't make them stop shitting on cars, the only thing you can do is make it clear they're gonna have to find someone else's car. If they don't want to do better, you can't change their behaviour. And if they truly cannot do better, you can't change their behaviour.
i think the crux of human misery stems from the fact that our skeleton just wants to sit around and accumulate dust in an ancient barrow (that is the innate imperative of all skeletal remains in-case you didn’t know) but our meat has its own agenda which creates this fundamental conflict of interests
If your parents wanted to hurt you, that doesn't say anything about who you are. They would hurt anyone who was born in your place. You were just there. You did nothing wrong. Being a child isn't a crime. Nobody should have hurt you over being a kid.
Dear Teaboot, how does one cope with hating their parent(s)?
You should know that I've written and erased a number of answers before coming to this conclusion.
Anger is not an emotion unto itself. Anger is an expression of fear, of helplessness, of frustration, of grief. Where there is Anger, there is something deeper, like the roots of a vine that might strangle you. If you cannot reach the roots, you will not kill the vine.
Anger, though, serves a purpose- to inspire urgency, to act, to move in the defense of self or others, to call out injustice.
Anger is only an evil when it is acted on without discipline. When it is allowed to become a reflex motivator, when it skips higher thought and speaks directly through the teeth and the hands. This is anger without control.
This question has forced me to ask myself if there is a difference between anger and hatred.
Is hatred irrational? Anger may be as well. Is hatred directed to the innocent? Anger can be, too. Is hatred akin to cruelty? Anger, again, is not innocent of needless suffering.
So what purpose must hatred serve, in pursuit of a just world? What can hatred do that anger cannot? What does it mean to hate something?
I'm not a scholar. I haven't studied these things academically. But thinking of my own experiences, and remembering the exact circumstances and contexts and the nuance of every little piece on the board, I can tell you that there was revulsion, and there was myself, and there was forces beyond my control.
I think that Hate is when anger fears it cannot win. I think Hate is when you are faced with something that you want to believe you have possibility of overcoming while suspecting in some way that you cannot. I think that Hate is when you are afraid of the thing that enrages you.
Hate, if you ask my opinion, is a bit like being mauled by a bear, knowing that you will not survive, and going for the eyes regardless, because it doesn't get to grow old and happy if you can't either.
Good for the continued existence of your peers. Bad for everything else.
So I suppose, if you are in a position where a bear is mauling you- metaphorically- hate probably isn't your biggest obstacle right now.
But if the bear is out there somewhere, on the other side of the forest, and you are sitting in a hole somewhere in a stiff rigor of rage and spite and terror, then I think it may be best for you to tell yourself now:
The bear will kill. Killing is in the nature of the bear, and a bear is helpless to change its nature. Knowing the nature of the bear, I will stay away from it, and deter it, and stay away from its path, and I will pity it for the nature it cannot compel itself to resist, and for the wonderful things it will never experience.
I do not need to fear the bear, because I understand its nature. I do not need to hate the bear, because I needn't fear it. All I must accept is that there is a bear, and it is wise to stay away from it.
It's unfortunate that the bear must live this way. It's unfortunate that you share your forest with a bear and not something kinder. But if you cannot change it, and it cannot change itself, then all you can do is accept that it is a bear.
And knowing that: be loud, travel with friends, and carry a big stick.
OP I needed your tags when I reblogged this and I hope that's okay. They spoke to me.
I feel like I need to share this because idk if Europeans are familiar with the presence of Aldi in the US, but at least especially in my area they’ve been growing a lot recently. Like Aldi bought out some local failing grocery chains where I live (Louisiana) and have opened Aldis in all these somewhat rural communities and small towns, which for the record I’m fine with
But as a result of this they are advertising a lot more in my area and also in many cases, the people in these areas have never been confronted with Aldi or any European grocery store. So the ads that Aldi is pushing out to its new US customer base feature a cowboy shopping at Aldi who is explaining to new Aldi customers how Aldi works. Like this cowboy is explaining you gotta put a quarter in the shopping cart and why there are very little name brands. A cowboy is how they want to reach their American customer base. They gave us a cowboy
Here he is, the Aldi Cowboy
There's two commercials, if you wanna watch them XD
like many of my fellow americans, i am not immune to gruff cowboys with sad eyes and kind hearts
For anyone not watching the ads, the cowboy preaches the virtues of Aldi saving you money by not having name brands, making you use a quarter for the cart, etc.
And I need to make it clear that many Americans WILL trust a cowboy complaining about money.
"Stop saying 15 year olds with weird interests are cringe, they're 15" this is true however you should also stop saying adults with weird interests are cringe because who gives a shit
To wit:
I want to share some wisdom from my high school art teacher.
In my AP Art class, there was a girl who was just starting to experiment with mixed media. At this point she was still playing around, trying to decide what direction she wanted to go with her portfolio. So one critique day, she brought in an abstract canvas with some rhinestone highlights and painted and real peacock feathers. She loved sparkles and peacock feathers so she thought she’d try introducing them a *little*. And after everyone had given some input, the teacher gave her his advice, VERY roughly paraphrased here:
“So here’s the thing… I do not like this style. These are just elements that do not speak to me personally, but I see that you like them, and you’re doing interesting things with them.
“My biggest critique is, I only merely *dislike* this piece. I want you to make me HATE it. Go crazy with the things that you like. Don’t hold back trying to make it palatable to people like me. Because I am NEVER going to like it. And if the audience does not like it, it should drive them crazy seeing how much YOU love it.”
Her portfolio was chock full of neon colors and glitter and rhinestones and splashes of peacock feathers and it was a delight. Our teacher despised every piece lol, but she got great marks and I think even won some awards. And more importantly, she was happy and proud of the results. Because she didn’t limit herself by trying to appeal to people who were never going to enjoy what she enjoyed.
Takeaway here: be as cringe as you want. Don’t limit yourself based on other ppl’s tastes. They’re not you, and you are incredible 💕
This is the most inspirational thing I've read all week. Possibly all year
“but if i tell Friend/Family/Partner about my needs instead of being a silently beleaguered doormat, they won’t want to be around me anymore!” that’s called the trash taking itself out and it’s the kinder but slightly less fun alternative to hitting them with sticks and rocks
did perfectionism ever truly protect you from harm or neglect as a child though. ultimately. Lol
[REALLY NORMAL AND WELL-ADJUSTED VOICE] well you never know maybe it COULD have saved me. if i ever actually achieved perfection. it could have happened then. if i was actually ever enough. Which i was not
Peachy skies 🍑
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I've reached the point where cynicism is a major turn-off for me. You're not smarter than idealists, and you're not helping.
Funny that the stereotypical cynic is an idealist who aged out of it. In my experience, the reverse is true. I was an extreme cynic as a teenager and then I noticed how profoundly limiting it was, and also that "cynics are cool and smart" was a message that was being constantly reinforced by corporate media for some reason.
#yes! cynicism reads as very juvenile to me#and yes prev often stemming from teen pain
Yeah, like I see black-pilled people on here and my default reaction isn't "oh, these must be world-weary old warriors who've lost their faith in humanity", it's "these people are in their 20s and need a hobby"
I also think that the present era has proven that authoritarian leaders don't actually want a population of wide-eyed idealists, they want a population of jaded assholes who are convinced that everyone is lying, any resistance is either a scam or doomed to failure, and nothing can ever get better.
Having a "stupider people have done this" attitude about the things you want to do can open so many doors
