I stand on the edge of a cliff. I peer over into the bottomless ravine. The wind and height numb my senses. I spread my arms wide and fall. As I descend into the black space, my life plays through my mind. It’s a slow crawling pace, that seems to stretch on for decades. My woes and joys continue to play through my head and before my eyes, as vivid memories fade in and out of existence. They become replaced with nothingness and silence. My body becomes limp and a soothing breeze overwhelms, like the gust of wings blowing gently over me. I breathe in one last breath and close my eyes one final time.
…Its been a while while since I last posted. Things have gone downhill for me. I’ve been struggling immensely with my depression and bipolar disorder. I’ve lost 10 pounds from the stress and anxiety I’ve been dealing with every day. Ive tried so hard to find some form of happiness on my journey so far, but ended up losing so much and gaining only a little bit of time. I’ve tried to train and push away my woes, regrets and failures, but they have only fueled the battle I am losing to, day by day. I cannot run away anymore. Ive lost the emotional support of my peers and have been teetering on the brink of life or death. I cannot talk to my friends about what I’ve been going through because they do not understand. I’ve tried so hard to explain and ask for help but it never comes out the way I wanted. They only way is to show them how much it’s hurting/killing me. My family doesn’t understand either and so I am forced to bottle my thoughts and feelings inside me. They can only see things at face value. They do not understand how low I’ve gone or what I’ve resorted to doing to myself. I’ve been casually shoved away and I’ve lost touch with people around me. I honestly cannot blame them though.. Why would they want to listen to and deal with an imbalanced person like me? The logical reaction is to step away, so they do not get dragged down by me bit by bit. They have their own lives and aspirations to work and focus on themselves. As morbid as that sounds, that’s how it truly is in my eyes. People are quick to judge to me and say things like, “Why do you want to hurt yourself/kill yourself?! Don’t you know how hurt your loved ones would feel if you did. Why would you do that. That is so selfish! You’ll be fine as long as you take your meds and think positively. Stop thinking negatively!” My answer to those questions is simple. “ DONT YOU THINK I KNOW THAT!?? DO YOU THINK I REALLY WANT TO HURT MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS LIKE THAT?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GO THROUGH EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE? I AM ALWAYS IN EXCRUCIATING AND AGONIZING PAIN. DO YOU REALLY THINK ITS SELFISH TO WANT TO BE FINALLY DONE WITH FEELING AND DEALING WITH PAIN EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE?!! ITS NOT EASY TO JUST SHOVE THESE DARK THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS AWAY AND THINK POSITIVELY. ” …. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. I am alone, rejected by many and understood by few that truly know and have went where I have been. To the edge of death and back again to life, several times over. I am not afraid to die. I gladly accept death whenever it chooses to come. If you are reading this, help me if you want. Reach out to me and be patient with me. Help me beat this, or not at all. My life is uncertain…
areudirty
origamiaround
theartofmadeline