Last night, after a cheerful party, I drunkenly cried and cried and cried. I sat on the floor of my shower and sobbed.
At the party, I saw some old and new friends, who reminded me what it feels like to be understood in my queer experience. People that I can just say something about being bi (or poly probably), and itās just normal - no surprise, no questions, just understanding my experience. I felt so whole. Earlier that evening, i causally mentioned to a friend in a story that āme and [boyfriends name] are open. She circled back to it like āwait what I didnāt know that????ā. All surprise and no āgood for you doing what is best for you!ā This same friend, who Iāve knows for 10+ years, but doesnāt know me super deep, did a double take a year ago when I slipped in in a convo āone time on a date with a girlā. She didnāt ask any questions, but I could see she was so thrown off that I said I dated a woman. Itās nothing against her or how she reacted - I get it, itās new info, and it can be surprising. And maybe she thought I would have ācome outā to her.
So after the party, I was talking with my boyfriend about it all. (He was great and understanding and validating). But damn I started to get so sad. I had these stark experiences of feeling so seen by my queer friends, and my straight friend being so surprised by WHO I AM.
It made me feel lonely. It made me feel not queer. It made me sob over my (and many others) bisexual experience. I desperately want to be seen and accepted as who I fully am. I want to date a woman, be in love with a woman. I want to be seen as a woman who loves women. I want ppl to stop assuming Iām straight bc Iāve had 2 long term boyfriends. I want the world to understand and REMIND ME that I AM queer even though Iāve never romantically loved a woman. I want to live in a world where I donāt have to come out or have ppl assume Iām straight.
Iāve never formally come out. I just say whatever I want to say and ppl can interpret it. Iāll say to any friend āthat womanās so hotā or mention my woman celeb crush or mention I dated/slept with a woman. Pisses me off that it surprises people. I want them to go āthat makes sense. I see you in your queerness, and it is youā, or I want ppl to just not assume anyoneās straight. (Iām guilty of that).
I know a bigger part than Iād like to admit of why I havenāt formally come out is biphobia/erasure, internal and external. I donāt want to have to deal with ppl not getting it bc Iāve only been in relationships with men. I donāt want the confused questions. I donāt want to have to explain that the times Iāve dated women have been while Iāve been with my boyfriend, and have to explain poly too. I donāt want to deal with peoples reactions.
But damn, I want to be seen.
I also hold so much guilt - I KNOW Iām queer and I can be loud and proud and claim it (even tho I have to remind myself a lot), but it still feels wrong to ācome outā and be super open when Iāve never been in a relationship with a woman. I feel like a fraud all the time (I try and challenge it). I donāt want to take the space from people in gay relationships. Thatās the bi erasure, I feel like I canāt claim my space in it. But I try. I do, in my ways.
I think right now my approach is to just be me and say and share all gay things I want, and those who get it, get it. It feels really good to been seen as queer by other queer ppl, who are usually the ppl who pick up my cues. But that means most ppl just skate past it and see me as a loud ally. I want to be seen by them too tho.
And I donāt want it to be a surprise. And i want them to say something nice to me after I divulge!
I know I slipped in that Iām gay and poly to my friend, but I think it really hurt my feelings that it wasnāt met with warmth. I know sheās just trying to play it cool bc I slipped it in and she didnāt know if I wanted to talk about it maybe. But I just came out to you. It obviously is not something I shout about. I wanted more tenderness.
So I cried and cried and cried. I hadnāt done that in a while. I remember last time I cried like that over sexuality was when I dated my ex bf of 4 years, and I so desperately wanted to explore my bisexuality. I didnāt know if I was gay at that time. And I felt like Iād never get to āfind outā and explore (ik u donāt need to explore to know, but I wanted to). And eventually we broke up and I slept with my best friend, and grew to really know I was bi. And now with my current bf of 5 years, I know who I am. We are open, I have very causally dated women. I even could fall in love with a woman, even tho I donāt think I will (while being poly). I canāt imagine being fully out as poly, thatās so much bullshit to deal with. I crave having the experience of being in love and in a relationship with woman (as my primary relationship, not while with my bf). Being out and proud and seen as who I am by the world. I hate that I canāt have that, without breaking up with my boyfriend. I wish I could live both lives. Or I wish I dated a woman in the past and had that experience already. I feel much more sure in myself than with my ex, I can tell that Iām not āsecretly way more into women and actually donāt want to be with a manā and that I do love and want to be with my bf. I just mourn that I canāt have both. That I never got to be in love with a woman. That I donāt get to grow old with one. Itās confusing to feel so sad about this, makes me question if Iām unhappy in my relationship and am just too scared to break up. But thatās not it. Iām just sad I donāt get it all. Even if I were single, there is no guarantee Iād fall in love with a women, itās hard to fall in love, and you donāt fully chose. When I was single last time I ended up falling in love with a man again (granted I was not looking to date women at that time), and lots of bi women I know date more men. I know I can love men and women. I know I want to be with my bf, I know itās not a ādeal breakerā that Iāve never loved a woman, and itās not something that I have to experience. Itās just life. You miss out on things when you choose one thing.
But I just desperately want to be seen and experience all that I am. But thatās not the world we live in, and thatās not realistic.
What I do have control over - finding more queer community and investing in friendships. Exploring romance with women within my open relationship. Choosing to share more of who I am with the world.
And sigh, even rereading this I get a knee jerk reaction of feeling silly, silly that this matters so much to me. Silly that it upsets me that I am not seen as queer when Iām getting all the privileges of being straight passing. Guilty that i want to be more oppressed?? Silly that reading queer books and watching shows wreck me so much bc I care so much. I know thatās all judgement and I should let myself feel what I feel without shame. But still. Itās hard.
vaporwave
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
romaincrisis
