shark vs the universe
Today's Document
roma★
JBB: An Artblog!
#extradirty
sheepfilms
Not today Justin
will byers stan first human second
tumblr dot com
Cosmic Funnies
Janaina Medeiros
$LAYYYTER
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
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DEAR READER
AnasAbdin
No title available
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from France
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Norway
seen from Japan
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Portugal
seen from United States
seen from Japan
seen from United States
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seen from Spain
seen from United Kingdom
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seen from United States
@random-things-43
flashback to when I got a little too gnc in my new profile pic, and my mom caught on that I had The Gender (which she was super supportive about, tbc), but didn't want to ask about it outright. so she started making up never-before-seen euphemisms
following weird horny furries who are into shit like pooltoys and transformation and stuff is enrichment. the vitamins and minerals of posting
once you get over your ass and realise you will never get some people and that’s ok you are basically immune to right wing fearmongering. otherkin? none of my fucking business
I must not fall victim to disgust. Disgust is the heart-killer. Disgust is the little-death that brings total apathy. I will face my disgust. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the disgust has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
wait hang on "transformation" is considered one of the niche, out there fetishes? That's like searching pornhub for "women"
send me all the data you have
WOMEN.XLS (458kb download)
I’m not understanding-
……………………..
way a minute
……………
wait a min- HOLY SHIT-
@kathrahender LOOOOOOOK AT THIS
EVERYONE LOOK AT THIIIIIIIIIIIIS
Cinderella rewrite where Cinderella’s father is an unusually successful fisherman due to his secret friendships with the shy and mysterious mermaids, successful enough to attract a moderately wealthy and ambitious bride with two daughters. Once he dies, her stepmother, determined to make sure her daughters inherit the fishing business as dowries by marrying before Cinderella, forbids her from going out on the fishing boats or into town and makes sure she spends as much of her time as possible doing drudgework, hauling offal and cleaning fish. When the Prince’s ball comes around, an important occasion for young women to make good connections, the stepmother forbids her from going, telling her that she needs to get the latest salmon catch gutted and ready for sale instead.
Cinderella’s mermaid godmother calls upon her people to clean the fish and gifts her a dress and shoes of shimmering fish scales that wreathe her in rainbows under the moonlight. She makes an impression on the Prince at the ball so strong that he immediately falls in love with her, and when she’s forced to flee before her stepmother notices her (no masquerade mask or dancing rainbows will disguise her from her own family at close range), the Prince is left with only a delicate fish leather slipper left on the front steps to try to find her again.
He goes around the houses, seeking the owner of the slipper, but Cinderella is once again working in the fish sheds. He stepmother, desperate and determined and having found Cinderella’s other shoe that very morning, realises what has happened and takes a knife to the feet of her prettiest daughter, telling the prince that she suffered an injury that very morning but those are definitely her shoes, see, here’s the other one, and they still fit.
The daughter is pretty and witty and charming, and while the Prince doesn’t feel the same spark and instant sense of connection that he did at the party, he reasons that she’s overwhelmed and in pain and once she’s healed, all will be well. There are no birds to whisper of blood in the shoe – the Prince has seen the bandaged feet already – and the daughter slips on the shoes (the only shoes she has that will fit her, now,) and accompanies him to the palace.
But the stepmother is no doctor, and by the time the Prince gets her to the palace doctors, it’s too late – his beloved has contracted an infection in her feet from the shoe leather, made unclean in its travels. She will survive – it is an infection of a common filth of fish and birds, one that the doctors have potions for for the occasions where dangerously cooked food causes outbreaks – but in her raving, she confesses the whole scheme to the Prince who, furious, returns to the village to find the girl he truly fell in love with, the girl hidden from him.
“Oh, yeah, the fish cleaner,” the villagers shrug. “We don’t see her around very much, she’s probably in the sheds. Her family calls her Salmonella.”
#now I’m just sad abt the daughter with her fucked up feet
Contains: suicidal ideation, attempted suicide
The infection brought on a high fever, and the damage was permanent. Her mother’s knife took her ability to walk without pain. The fever took her voice.
It hadn’t been her plan. She hadn’t wanted to do it. But her mother, with her sharp eyes and her sharp knife, had explained to her once again that behind her stepsister’s kindly smile was a ruthless heiress who wanted to take everything the family had and leave the rest of them destitute. “You have a duty to protect this family,” her mother explained. “Your father gave his life to protect us from invaders. I gave my heart and my future to protect us from poverty. Will you not do the same?”
Keep reading
#Goddamnit Derin#stop writing absolute bangers
You overestimate how much control I have over the writing process. Go here for more “absolute bangers” I guess.
You cant keep changing my life like this
Literally my job I’m afraid.
no language should be mocked other than french
Birds is “oiseaux” in French.
No letter is pronunced the way it should.
And there are seven of them.
ITS PRONOUNCED “WAZO” AND YES, I WILL DIE MAD ABOUT IT
oiseaux hits every vowel in the french alphabet and manages to only be pronounced with 2 goddamn syllables
got vowels coming out the oiseaux
This will never not be funny and I will never not reblog it.
mike oiseauxwski
MIKE OISEAUXWSKI 😭😭
Wizards + tumblr text posts
Tim, walking into the Batcave and noticing everyone’s distraught appearance: What’s wrong?? Who died??
Stephanie: We have bad news Tim. You should sit down.
Tim: Oh shit did someone actually die?? Who was it this time?
Dick: Remember that civilian that we catch trailing after us every so often? The one who was involved in the Penguin incident awhile ago?
Tim: Oh. Clarissa O’Neal? What about her?
Damian: She was taken hostage by one of Black Masks henchmen. We didn’t make it in time to save her.
Tim: ? And that’s why you guys are so upset? C’mon guys lighten up, it’s movie night
Jason, getting visibly pissed: What the Fuck dude. A civilian we were close to fucking died because we didn’t make it in time
Dick: I know you didn’t like her much but show a bit of empathy Timmy. You usually take these situations seriously
Tim: I’ve been trying to kill her off for ages. Why would I be upset??
Steph: Tim you have 10 seconds to fix your attitude before i fix it for you
Jason: Since when do you take people’s lives so lightly? Dude you need to leave before I do something i regret.
Tim: I didn’t know you guys were so attached to her. I could revive her if you want, but honestly it’s more effort than it’s worth. And she was getting unwanted attention from the rogues so she had to go.
Damian: Revive?? Timothy what are you on about? And why are you saying that like you personally set up her demise?
Tim: Because I did? The planning for it took forever but I have to admit everything went a lot better than I was expecting.
Dick: TIM WHAT—
Jason: WHAT THE HELL—
Damian: MURDER? You?!
Steph, screaming over everyone else: WAIT SHUT UP
Steph: TIM NO YOU DID NOT
Steph: TIM DON’T TELL ME YOU DID IT AGAIN
Dick: Again?!? What are you talking about?!
Steph, laughing: Guys calm down. HE was Clarissa
Tim: You guys didn’t know??
Jason: HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE HISPANIC LOOKING WOMEN IN HER MID TWENTIES AND A CRIME ALLEY ACCENT WAS YOU
Dick: Tim i am THIS CLOSE to burning down your disguise room.
Damian: Timothy explain yourself
Tim: I had an undercover op that I needed a female field agent for a couple years ago to infiltrate penguins operations. Over time She became a bit too important and Black mask was threatening her. So I decided to kill her off. I got the info I needed already and it was becoming a bit of a drag keeping up appearances
Steph: You need to stop getting us emotionally invested in your aliases and then killing them off. This is the fourth time you did this to me. I’ll never forgive you for Alvin Draper, I still grieve him even though i know you’re alive!
Tim: YOU guys need to start recognizing me in disguise. Worlds greatest detectives MY ASS
Jason: DUDE YOU GAVE YOURSELF DOUBLE D’s WHY WOULD WE ASSUME THAT WAS YOU
Damian: My training in this area has been neglected. Timothy show me your disguise lair
Tim: Sure, after movie night. Let’s go
Dick: This is gonna bite us in the ass. Damian is already so good at impressions. We will never know if someone we are talking to is him or not
Tim: LMAO When i’m done with him? Yea everyone’s fucked
Steph: It’s gonna give Roger from American dad
Bruce from the corner: *Breathes a sigh of relief*
Bruce at the Batcomputer: *Sighs and moves Clarissa O’Neal from ‘Real Civilian Death’ folder to ‘Tim’s Fake Identities’ folder. Creates new folder labeled ‘Damian’s Fake Identities’
First time meeting, but SWAP AU（1/2）
Previous context →
💬 2 🔁 80 ❤️ 449 · bloodymary swap au Can't get this out of my head.
hello bloodymary tumblr, can i interest you in a fic
BESPOKE
…I thought this cat was being Cask of Amontillado-ed
i really like the concept of damian not being handed over to bruce, and rather being dropped off near him and then told to go make his introductions alone, because fuck it opens up the possibility for the funniest misunderstanding ever.
au where Jason was supposed to make sure Damian gets to Bruce safely but gets sidetracked by his crime lord/Joker revenge arc, and so on the night he was supposed to take Damian over to the manor he gets called away and tells Damian to just go over there alone, except Damian happens to spot Batman and Robin on patrol anyway and figures he just go and meet them there instead. which he does, and he goes home with them, and he settles in as a Wayne boy, eventually inheriting the Robin mantle from Tim, and it’s all normal and fine except for one thing.
Bruce has no idea Damian is his biological son.
Like, from Bruce’s perspective he just happened upon a small child with dark hair and an odd desensitisation to crime/violence with no other place to go and an interest in becoming Robin. that is literally how he acquired every other child he has adopted, this was Not unordinary behaviour from him. on Damian’s part, he had presumed that Talia would have alerted Bruce that he existed before sending him to Gotham, so he was under the impression that Bruce already knew Damian was his kid and this didn’t feel the need to overtly mention it. he just kinda showed up in the middle of Batman fighting a group of muggers, helped take them down, said he no longer had another home (he forgot the code to Jason’s apartment building and is too stubborn to ask for it again), and followed when Bruce told him to get in the batmobile.
i think Tim, Dick and Bruce would just assume that Damian is the product of some kind of trafficking ring/other horrible background that led to him being homeless on the streets with a decent hand to hand skillset, so they probably just. assume that Damian doesn’t want to talk about it. thinking that Damian will come to them when he’s ready to talk about where he came from, they just ask that he’s safe and nobody from his past is going to come for him. but the thing is, Damian knows from Jason that Batman and the League of Assassins don’t see eye to eye, so he presumes these questions are just about the probability of Damian meaning more league members are going to pop up in the Batman’s territory. so Damian, being honest, just goes ‘no- well unless you count Red Hood, but he defected so i’m not sure that counts’
so now Bruce not only has no idea he’s accidentally adopted his own fucking son, but he is under the impression that Damian is on the run from the Red Hood. and Damian is just increasingly confused by his family’s reactions to -in his mind- normal scenarios.
-
Bruce: and do you have a surname that you can remember?
Damian:
Damian, squinting: isn’t it… Wayne?
Bruce:
Bruce, tearing up as he prepares to contact his lawyers about adopting a child with no legal identity: i’m so glad you feel the same way.
Damian: ?
-
Bruce, the night they met Damian: and here is a guest room you can stay in for now,
Damian: thank you, Father.
Bruce:
Tim: that was quick. not even Dick’s at that stage yet.
Bruce: i know.
Tim: don’t expect that from me, buddy. i’m still kinda mad the fake uncle trick didn’t work.
Bruce: i know.
Tim: and i mean Dick left for Bludhaven, Jason ran for Ethiopia, i didn’t originally want to be adopted; it’s about time you found a kid who actually likes you-
Bruce: Tim shut up and go to bed.
-
Jason, interrupting them all on patrol: oh hey, you let the kid be Robin, cool.
Tim and Dick: *instantly jumping in front of Damian to shield him*
Dick: you aren’t taking him, Hood!
Tim: he’s free from you now and we won’t let him go, understand?
Jason:
Damian:
Jason:
Jason, side-eyeing them suspiciously: …aight. anyway, kid, you left your hoodie at my place. here.
Damian, catching the hoodie and sending Tim and Dick weird looks: thanks…?
-
i want this to go on for so long. like, i want Jason to be back in the family and him and Damian still not realising none of the bats know Damian is Bruce’s actual kid. i want there to be a really bad incident involving the JLA where Bruce gets poisoned/magicked in some way where the only cure that will save his life is blood/DNA from a blood-related donor, and everybody is freaking the fuck out because Bruce has no siblings and his parents are dead, so they have no options.
meanwhile Damian and Jason are like ??? fucking baffled at the panic, and Damian just starts rolling up his sleeve and turning to the JL like ‘ok, well, i dunno what they’re crying about, but do you wanna take my blood then?’ and the Justice League genuinely have no idea what the fuck is going on because Bruce said this kid was adopted.
Convoluted BloodyMary AU where Grace IS actually an angel. Specially the angel thats assigned to watch over the world where the Quiet Rapture happened. (Specifically Simons Angel??? Idk) But when seeing the terrifying things Humanity is forced to do on thise spacestations he REFUSES to work with that world. So his Archangel is like. Oh. So you dont understand the gravity of your position. Cool.
And sends him down there to see it first hand.
He has to have his angel powers as thats the Point Stratt is trying to Make that hes Needed- but im debating if Simon is the only one who can actually See him. Moments of holy light in the dark corners of Eden, of the prison, of the Iron Lung. Intervening in cowardly slivers, not enough to reveal himself, enough to keep Simon going. Time is weird for the Angel, he only can grab moments, not the whole picture. Not without embedding himself in the world, and claiming it as his. He can't bring himself to do that. He's scared. He's a terrible angel, yet Simon breathes his praise every day for those moments he gave him hope. He only has the courage when they seal his human into a death trap.
Feel like this will end in some sort of yoinking of Simon into an angel-made version of the Hail Mary. A clean, pristine space craft built in isolation away from all the suffering. Or maybe its THE Hail Mary but in this world the whole crew died, and its just an empty spot for Grace to place his favorite wayward soul. Maybe Grace just starts collecting travelers and aliens and children who he feels need his (clumsy but kind and determined) help, finding a world for them. (Tau Ceti? Erid? Idk this idea is only just forming. I think Tau Ceti could be cool to explore as a concept.)
(And then we get breathless and reverant Simon on his knees reaching out to touch, to kiss, to thank his angel. Not knowing if its a sin to touch the divine, but having nothing but his filthy soul and his rough skin to offer in his gratitude. And Grace above him, feeling guilt with every star-awed look in Simon's eyes, thinking I should have saved you sooner, I should have been stronger, braver. I could have done better by you. Please forgive me. And a deep shame when despite all of that, he kisses Simon back, the closest connection to Humanity he's ever had. The deep love for him, and for them all, coming through in a soft, delicate touch of their lips. Proof to Simon this is real, proof to Grace that maybe he can still do right by his human.)
Saw someone mention a bloody Mary au where Adrian finds Simon before Grace & Rocky return, and frankly I need to take a crack at writing it. Because simon being the one who needs the translator to talk to them, and he ends up learning Eridian super fast. Hes a silly little engineer and Adrian thinks about their mate every time they looks at him.
This would also be perfect for a physically stable and healthy Simon and Grace on the edge of death from malnutrition. Rocky panicking as soon as he in radio distance like "Hey guys, picked up a random alien human and he needs food I need us to synthe–"
"Yeah we have it already,"
"What?"
"Adrian found a human 2 years ago. We have everything,"
"What????"
I started listening to the audiobook for Project Hail Mary since I loved the movie so much (I wanted to read it instead but the book has been checked out of every local library to the point there aren't any copies in circulation), I'm three chapters in and HOLY SHIT I love book!Grace so much.
Some stand-out moments from the book so far:
Grace falls off his medical bed while he's still partially hooked up. Tube up his ass comes off no problem. Still-inflated catheter not so much.
"Holy moly...! ...'Holy moly'? That's my go-to expression? I mean it's okay, but I couldn't have picked something less 1950s? What kinda weirdo am I?"
"What the fudge is going o-- 'fudge'. Seriously? Maybe I have young kids. Or I'm...deeply religious?"
"Okay. I'm in my mid-thirties, I live alone in a small apartment. I don't have any kids but I like kids a lot, I do NOT like where this is going-- A TEACHER. I'M A TEACHER. OHH THANK GOD"
Grace using his teacher voice on Stratt and LITERALLY THE WORLD LEADERS
The teacher line (4th on this list) made me realize how much I was going to love this book
Holy shit, it took me out the first time I read it
i'm trying to attract native birds back to the dash
STOP IT
STOP— Y'ALL CAN'T EVEN DIGEST MOST OF THOSE
STOP!!!!
yoURE JUST THROWING THEM AROUND!!!!
A narrative parallel I love: Whumpee seeing themselves in other objects/animals/etc that Caretaker interacts with.
-Caretaker gently carrying a spider or other creepy crawly out into the garden instead of squashing it gives the Whumpee who was always considered expendable a lump in their throat.
-Caretaker having a “scary” dog breed like a Pitt bull or Rottweiler but treating it like a pet and lapdog, loving on it instead of training it to attack. Living Weapon Whumpee watches hopefully from their spot standing guard as the dog lays its head in Caretakers lap.
-Caretaker fixing their old beater of a car instead of getting a new one, even though they could afford it, and the Whumpee who was replaced after get hurt/making a mistake/getting too old/etc feels a sense of overwhelming relief.
-Caretaker feeding and watching over a feral stray cat from a distance, never trying to trap it or get too close, just making sure it’s okay. Stoic/defiant Whumpee not letting themselves think about how that makes them feel. Also, if/when Caretaker has to catch and treat the stray because it’s gotten injured or sick, realizing that that’s what Caretaker had been doing for them. They just were too scared to understand.
-Caretaker oiling and polishing their tools, putting them away carefully, taking pains that they were well taken care of and would last forever. Mentioning offhandedly that if you take care of your tools, they’ll take care of you. Slave Whumpee nodding emphatically, hoping that mindset extends to them as well.
-Caretaker tending their garden, trimming buds from flowering plants to keep the plant healthy instead just pretty, and Whumpee who’s only ever been valued for their appearance feels less shame and guilt for “letting themselves go” in recovery.
More flipnote reference and example animations for Return to Paradise, lots of ones pertaining to forward locomotion
