they say you can't pour from an empty cup but i've been doing it my whole life and aside from all of these mysterious ailments it's working out great for me
its so scary making plans with new friends. what if i suggest something stupid and we have a terrible time and they find out im a fraud and not a real human being
1-Any of the 3 seats around 1 WILL have bare Gollum ass foot and taint on them at some point. Those seats appear empty but are in fact occupied by his various alternate identities
2- Seems innocent enough, and Frodo will mostly keep to himself, but Sam will absolutely be waking you up getting him granola bars and shit out of their carry-ons. Will also meanmug you if you try to get up to use the bathroom. Gollum will also be leaning in and hanging over your shoulders whenever he takes a break from kicking the seat.
3- Out of the question, unless you are 7-19 year old extrovert and/or have nothing to lose. WILL clap when the plane lands. WILL eat your crackers if you’re asleep when the flight attendant comes around. Very little consideration for personal space.
4- It’ll be a long silent flight and they’ll both be courteous and polite but there will absolutely be a heavy third-wheel sort of tension, like they’re too nice to say anything but would be way happier if you weren’t there. Your only chance is to offer to switch seats so they can hold hands, but Aragorn WILL take a nap at some point and he WILL talk in his sleep. Also, if you switch for the aisle seat you will need to keep in mind that Legolas is absolutely going to recline his own chair directly on top of you.
5- Faramir is a sleep mask and headphones type of guy, and the window will remain closed. Eowyn’s longing glances to the right may be overlooked, but she’s also the type to monologue at increasing volume if you get to chatting and reach a topic she’s passionate about. Seat 5 is my personal choice, as it presents the lowest possible chance of waking up to a makeout sesh on either side OR a missing eyebrow.
6- Depending where the relationship dynamic is at at this point, it’s a coin toss between “Grandpa’s War Stories” and 8 straight hours of “I’m Not Touching You”, “Stop Hitting Yourself” type shenanigans on both sides. Also, putting the Dwarf in the window seat was a bad idea. You KNOW he gets airsick, and placing him in a corner directly between the only three elves was an act of direct biological warfare on the side of the airline.
7- Not the worst choice, as long as you don’t ask any questions about the family. Boromir is the type to share his political opinions at length unprompted, though, and responding in any way will only make it worse.
8- You are not cool enough to sit here.
9- This is an aisle seat, which is good, because you can get up to fake a bathroom visit when the vibes get too bad. Feels like going on a road trip with your dysfunctional parents only for them to announce their turbulent and resentful impending divorce mid way through. When it’s good, Galadriel and Gandalf will lean around you for a catty bitch sesh without you, which will also be bad, but at least you can listen in on the hottest gossip. Only gets worse when the edible Gandalf pops at take-off finally kicks in.
local man gets stuck in bog - later says he "still likes bogs" and "appreciates the importance of wetland habitats" (thank you for the request @esgaril <3)
“Something to make you boo - JKRowling” lmao amazing
God Ashely is also so gorgeous I love the look!
Yeahhhh Travis!
Yooooo Taliesin! Looking good my guy
Marshiaaaaa oh my god that’s hot
Laura, adorable I love her pretty and frilly her dress is!!
Pirate Liam, excellent, very handsome
Sam what the fuck is that lmao
Matt is soooooooo goddamn attractive holy shit
Sam’s button jacket is excellent ngl
Unfortunately his mic quality of so dreadful that I can’t tell what he’s saying lol
Honestly much as I wish Caduceus could be here I’m excited for more Kingsley content!
Amazing they had the actual canons go off lol
Two months post Funball ok
I kinda hate Bren Brennato as a name guys ngl lol like more power to Veth tho
Time for the group’s OTHER purple friend to show up begging for help, I’m sending a theme lol
Baby all tied up and on big old rock
“Kingsley of the Last Laugh” I thought his ship was the Mollymauk?
Oh no they’re gonna drown him!
“Shit” LOL
“I’d like the go on the record that I take being killed VERY seriously” yeah lol
I know he won’t but hilarious that in theory Kingsely could just die right here lol
NEIN
RIP Kingsley it’s been fun knowing you!
So now we’re probably another month or so more past Funball?
Gonna sneak into the costume room at the Lavish Chateau
Sneaky boy!
“Almost tasteful” love him
Marion my loooove!
Did he call her “nan”?? omg
“Hi mom, hi dad!” That’s so cute
3 points of exhaustion metaphorically
Lmao Caleb being a hovering overprotective weirdo, like babe, go HOME
“With Bren-Bren” ok that’s… kinda cute
Baby monitor lol
“You made me a scry baby”
Yeza has the patience of a saint dealing with this nonsense
Poor Beau and Yasha
GIVE THEM A VACATION
“Auntie Beau” oh my goddddd
Okay this is hilarious, mom and dad, aunties.
Is Caleb still ‘magic man’ though because I want Kingsley to flirt with him more
Lmao “someone dared me— I dared myself” he stole the Plank King’s wig what an idiot
Awww Beau taught him to read!
Oh no he stole his secret ledger
The sarcasm is hilarious
Kingsley wants PIRATES not the MAFIA
Nicodranus takeover, interesting
Marion’s like “me and my girls — or boys — can take care of him :)”
Jester reading him for filth lmao
Awww
Hell yeah Marion, you tell them!
J: “I talk to him all the time!”
F: “you do WHAT??”
They’re just giving him so much shit and it’s hilarious
Gotta protect Marion!!
Aw rude Beau!
I mean, Fjord and Jester know him at least and you apparently taught him to read!
Yasha :(
Caleb you need to chill lmao
“You have a lot of unresolved trauma I feel like” LOL yeah
Yeah Caleb you robbed her of her freedom by forcing her to have a baby early let her have this
Marion lmaoooo
Hero’s Feast was a good idea
Matt saving a bug omg I’m crying he’s too cute
Grab a whip, lmao
Just giving everyone Fortune’s Favor, hell yeah
“I think that’s good”
“Hm”
Oh, Darktow has some anti-teleport protections?
Oh they’re gonna have to swim in
Makes sense Orca’s are sneaky af
LOL Liam drinking the drink lol
No wonder this show apparently ran way over it’s time lol
Mermaid with the deep af voice lmao
“A long time makin’ puppets”
Jester has been dying to message him it’s gonna happen
God I have missed Jester’s silly messages lol
Ok the costume is 10/10 he looks incredible
“Jessie” oh deep sexy voice and a nickname that’s hilarious
Oh my god this is amazing actually
Kingsley confirmed the most kinky and we love that for him
Fjord lmao
Kingsley just like “you ALL need therapy” and he’s right
Let Veth shoot her canons!
Caleb fucking up Kingsley’s ship awwwww
I have a crush on the Plank King now lol
“A muse of mine left her favorite calling card”
Plank King also in love with Jester as is correct
lol Caleb and the terrible no good very bad accent
Fjord has Crown of Stars?? Did I mishear that? Sick
Also I missed the assassin’s names but assassins in general are bad
“Oh Jessie, where aaaare youuu? My loins are telling me you’re getting closer.”
“For the record, you called me first” this is sooo funny
Fjord’s blood pressure is spiking
Boooo stole their sexy pirate looks
I love her Veth to this day still never uses her actual gun lol
I don’t even remember if Yasha was there the last time they were on Darktow?
DRAGONTURTLE!!!
It had better be a real Dragonturtle and not a ship
Here they come, pirate assassins!
Wow the pirate assassins are shit actually lol
Yasha is sooooo hot
Matt, seeing they’re already 2 hours in and only just hitting combat: yeah we’re not gonna roll y’all are level 20 it’s fine
Poor Matt, tearing up his assassin stats
“My assassins are VERY well trained”
I love this guy (David? Daniel? I feel awful that I can’t remember his name)
Caleb just wants to go scorched earth here lol. Burn the whole thing down so he can go home. Maybe have a nap.
Wall of Force, very cool
Beau gonna catch a cannonball lol
“We’ll get ‘em, we’ll get ‘em”
50pts bludgeoning ouch
Nice only 25pts instead
Fjord has so much cool shit
Fjord like “you want a dragon?” He’s so cool and that’s always such a fun move from him
Plank King thinks it’s his Dragon but alas
They’re just gonna walk up to the throne room at this point lol
Oooo mage fight mage fight mage fight!
Four fireballs at once?? Sexy
Two Nat1s for poor Laura
Dang that’s a lot of damage
Oooo Caleb has a big plan
“Fuck that’s a big white dragon”
This is hilarious
“YOU HAVE A FUCKIN’ DRAGON?!”
Squishy Wizard Caleb boy
heal for 70 very nice that’s our girl
“I thought you had a guy for that” Caduceus ;-;
Travis is like “I have it too but it doesn’t help :(“
Poor Matt, DMing for level 20 characters is clearly hard af lol
Especially when those characters are the Mighty Nein
“The Device”
The what-now
A Nat1 to a Nat20
Poor Matt
The storm-demon
A hole, half a mile in the sky, 1000 feet wide??
Yanking bits of Cognouza ward through as meteor swarm
Clearly that was his big plan
He’s gotta get counterspelled
Counterspell his counterpell!!
Take THAT Caleb lol
Poor Caleb, so hyped to do such a cool spell and he gets counterspelled
Dragonturtle!!
Hey Fjord it’s your favorite!
I feel like this one-shot was meant to be like WAY more deadly dangerous than Funball but so far it’s just been shitty rolls for Matt and comedy for everyone else
LMAOOOOO
At this point I feel bad for the Plank King
“He throws himself out the window” LOL
Plank King is soooo mad lol
“Fjord just got here—“
“Put him on”
Oh NO lmao
The poor mages
People saying that the Plank King is the only human on an island of muppets is SO correct
“I see you’ve fallen into my trap.” (“do I have to make a deception check”)
“You owe me an apology”
“You owe me a giant turtle”
The assassins were his wee babbies lol
“Time hideous and so are you”
“Jessie, you aren’t going to say anything?”
“What it needs is a strong, firm had and I’ve got two of those”
Stop making the Plank King hot lmao
Sneaky Beau lol
“Do you know how cannons work??”
*Beau’s invisibility drops* “And that is why I monologue”
Initiative with only an hour left lmao wild
Hell yeah LOVE some good sexy blood magic
Honestly he’s so offended that Jester would attack him too lol
“My traitorous love over there” I love this he sucks so much
He’s gonna specifically target Fjord
LMAO he’s gonna throw Fjord out the window
Booooo let him throw Fjord out the window!
Haha he’s immune to stun
11 lmao bye Fjord
Feather Fall that’s fine I didn’t want him to die I just wanted him to go out the window
TO THE DRAGONTURTLE HAHAHA
“GET THE BLUE ONE” scorned love lmao
52 lightning damage OUCH
Dominate Monsters hell yeah
LOL Plank King just face in his hands as the Dragonturtle rolls a Nat1 and is Caleb’s buddy now lol
“No one gets to emasculate Fjord but me!” lol
Oh my god she’s gonna use her gun???
Disintegrate on Veth how rude
Sam that was RUDE lol
Oh nooooo
53pts OUCH
And reduced her max hit points by the same
DAMN
Is she down?? Gotta be close
Fjord doing a superhero reappearance
“WHAT THE FUCK—sorry, sorry”
“You can curse here idk if you know that”
He’s going full on scorned lover lol
Don’t cut your eyeball!!! Ouch
Well played Taliesin/Kingsley
That’s his MOM
21pts
10pts
19pts
JESTER NOOOO
Auto 2 failed death saves!
“You up?” hilarious but rude lol
“If only you had a healer” he’s so funny I hate him
Kingsley running to save Jester awwwwww
Yayyyyyy Jester!
Damn just in time too
Power Word: Fortify
120 temporary hit points! Amazing
Somebody in the crowd like “HOLY SHIT” lol
He’s gonna fire the Storm Demon INTO the room??
oh NOOOO
55pts lightning damage
Damn
Did himself 52 points of damage lmao
52 damage to most of the others
It’s honestly a good thing they came up with minimal to no damage because like damn they would have been in trouble with the big hits they’re taking
Like he does some pretty good hits
Spat on her that’s both rude and GROSS
“I’m here to split couples up” lol
Yeahhhh disintegrate him Caleb!
Daaaang, 63 points, nice!
Matt y’all don’t have TIME
Nice love a good counterspell
Do it Fjord!! Kill him!!
“what’d I do to you?? Name 17 things!”
RIP Plank Kong you were hilarious
164 POINTS??? Holy shit!
That’s gotta be a contender for highest damage in a round??
HDYWTDT YEAHHHHH
Fjord tattoo of Jester canon confirmed
“Stay the fuck away from our wives”
I think by default Fjord should be the new Plank King now lol
The romance of it all lol
“All hail Kingsley, the new Plank King!”
Plank Kingsley
“Yes please fuck off all of you” Kingsley you’re so rude lol
fan fic authors be like yes i know this will flop however i simply have too much love for this character and my very niche headcanons for them. and i think that is so fuckin sexy of us