Dear person reading this,
Iâll tell you a story. A story about how I discovered a part of me.
When I was younger I noticed myself staring at girls more than I would stare at boys. I didnât really understand the concept of being gay or the fact that it was seen as something wrong, but I still would hide it and never told anyone. When girls talked about having crushes I didnât understand it; I looked at boys and it was all meh. But I still would force myself to like them and try to get feelings for them, but in the back of my mind, I always knew that wasnât me.
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I didnât find the word for until I was in 6th grade and some girls called me a lesbian. I didnât know what it meant but then my mom explained it to me, and so did my dadâŠhe made sure I understood that was wrong. Thatâs when I started hating my feelings, and inevitably myself.
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I decided to just push them down and ignore them. I switched schools after that and I was able to pretend I was straight, I even fooled myself. But you can only hide for so long. I met this girl and she changed my world, I fell in love with her and I was in love with her for two years. I stopped pretending to be who I was and started to come to terms with itâŠ.at 16. 5 years later. 5 years of hating myself and not wanting to admit my feeling. I came out to friends, and they were supportive. This created this bubble in which I felt safe, but again this canât last forever.
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At 17 I came out to my mom and my sister, later my brother, and one of my aunts. Pretty supportive, although awkward but I could not ask for moreâŠ..Actually, I could and I should. You see, not my whole family is accepting, and I know that being gay means that people will hate me without knowing anything else. And thatâs fine, but when you know your family will leave, or when you know someone will leave its easier to just separate yourself from them, makes it easier when they leave. So thatâs what I do. I have a chosen family which is great, but at the same time, I wish I didnât have to. I wish I was accepted by the people that should love you unconditionally. The people that were there your whole life.
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Recently I came to the realization that at turning 19 most of my family has no idea who I truly am. I have to hide stuff from them, make secret social media accounts, be proud but not out. As my mom would probably ask me âwhy does everyone need to know youâre gay?â which I think is a weird misconception of being gay and coming out. I donât want everyone to know, I just donât want to hide. There is a difference. I donât want to double check who can see my Instagram stories if I post something that can out me, or holding my tongue when I want to say something or share something. I shouldnât have to. My straight friends donât have to so why should I.
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I donât want everyone to know, I just want them to know me. Not a lie. Because coming out is not about you, itâs about me. Itâs about the fact that itâs mentally tiring to have to hide, and I just donât wanna do it. Itâs about me feeling happy and proud of who I am because I wasted too much time trying to pretend I was someone I am not. That is a time I will not be getting back.
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Sincerely,
Just a girl that likes girls
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I wrote this because I have so many feeling right now and idk what to do with themÂ
