when the heart yearns to write fanfictions but the sick & twisted need for corporate validation stands a bit too strong (tales of a former golden A child)
listen i may take 4 weeks to write a 3k word chapter, and i may take 45 minutes to decide whether i should use “laugh” or “chuckle”, but at least i don’t use ai and whatever you’re getting is pure chaos from a human brain
you're stuck in a car with a beautiful boy, your glorious history, and eight hours of road. what else is there to do but talk about the deepest of truths?
🐚 pairing. exes!joshua x reader.
🐚 word count. 12.9k.
🐚 genres. romance, friendship, light angst.
🐚 includes. mentions of food, death; cussing/swearing. alternate universe: non-idol; joshua is a marine biologist. bad-at-being-exes/exes to ???, breakup dynamics, road trip shenanigans, dialogue heavy. loosely based on a musical (title lifted from there, too), synopsis references richard siken's you are jeff. one scene parallels tlfy's goodbye until tomorrow / i could never rescue you.
🐚 footnotes. when i joined caratblr, @chugging-antiseptic-dye was the very first friend i made. i would not have it any other way. a: i will adore you for as long as there are waves pulling to the shore. shubho jonmodin ‹𝟹 much gratitude to my beta readers: @heartepub for her eye, @chanranghaeys for her wit, and @lovetaroandtaemin for her kindness. my masterlist
🎵 when i am with you (i am real)
You find him in his element—knee-deep in saltwater, sleeves rolled up, clipboard tucked precariously under one arm as he gestures toward a tank brimming with juvenile stingrays.
You wait behind the glass where the public is meant to stay. Leaning against the railing, you watch him without meaning to. It used to be that this was your favorite version of him: ocean-brained and utterly focused, calm in a way most people aren’t allowed to be in their everyday lives. It still is, you suppose, though now there’s a knot of something bittersweet twisted through the feeling.
It’s been five months since the breakup.
Two months since you moved most of your things out of the apartment. And four days since you both agreed that, yes, you still needed to drive down the coast and meet with the landlady to finalize the lease termination in person.
She doesn’t do email. She barely does phones. You’d considered cancelling, asking a friend to go in your place, but the truth is: the car is his, the rent is in both your names, and the landlady likes you best.
So here you are.
Joshua’s hair is darker than you remember, still damp from a rinse or maybe the ocean itself, curling slightly where it clings to his neck. His voice carries over the burble of pumps and the low hum of fluorescent lights.
He’s explaining something to a group of interns. Something about migration patterns and how the moon affects spawning cycles. You can’t hear the details, but you recognize the rhythm of his teaching voice, the way he softens facts with metaphors, how his hands move like punctuation marks.
When Joshua finally steps out from behind the staff door, he looks surprised to see you already waiting. He does that thing. That thing, with his eyes and brows—an upward arch, a spark of recognition beneath the doe-like brown.
“Hey,” he says, wiping his hands on his khaki pants. He doesn't hug you, doesn't reach out, but his smile is familiar. A little tired. A little sad. “You came early.”
You shrug. “Was in the area. Figured I'd save you a text.”
He nods, like that makes sense, like there’s no undercurrent tugging beneath the ease of it. Like this isn’t the first time you're seeing each other outside of grocery store collisions or terse text threads about forwarding addresses.
“Car’s in the back lot,” he says. “I just need to clean up. Shouldn’t take more than a minute.”
You follow him down a hallway that smells like seawater and bleach. He walks ahead, and you let your eyes fall to the way his shoulders move, broad and careful. You still know the shape of them beneath your palms. You wonder if he still sleeps on the right side of the bed, if he still keeps his entire body under the covers because he’s scared something will pull at his feet while he’s asleep.
It’s going to be a long drive.
You both know it. Neither of you says a word about it.
Joshua’s office is tucked just off the wet lab, behind a sliding glass door smudged with fingerprints and the unmistakable trail of saltwater. You slip inside while he ducks into the locker room to change, the lingering scent of ocean and coffee grounds curling in the air.
It’s a cluttered little box of a room—papers stacked like tiny towers, annotated marine maps tacked to the walls, a few photos of past dives and coral surveys pinned up like trophies. There’s even a Polaroid of the two of you on the shelf beside his monitor, buried halfway behind a half-drunk bottle of electrolyte water.
You don’t move it. But you don’t look away either.
“Hey, stranger.”
You blink, turning toward the voice. Seokmin’s already grinning at you, his damp curls flattened beneath a backward cap, a towel slung around his neck. Behind him, Jeonghan lounges in the doorway with all the idle elegance of someone who’s been doing absolutely nothing for the past hour.
“Hi, Seokmin,” you say, mustering a polite smile. “Jeonghan.”
Seokmin bounds in with too much energy for someone who’s allegedly been tagging sea turtles since 4 a.m. “Wow, it’s been a while. You look great. Seriously. Like, breakup glow-up levels of great.”
You blink, startled. “Thanks?”
Jeonghan’s mouth twitches like he’s holding back a laugh. He doesn’t say anything right away—just folds his arms across his chest and tilts his head, like he’s studying you. You don’t like it. That look. Like he knows something you don’t. Like maybe he knows everything.
You’d been friends with them once, although it was probably more out of association than anything. They were Joshua’s co-workers. You were the girl he brought to company events; the wallpaper of his phone once you got past the lockscreen of Dolphy the dolphin leaping into the air.
When you and Joshua broke up, you figured you might never see the duo again. Until now, that is.
“Are you two really going to drive all the way to the coast together?” Jeonghan asks, voice light. “Sounds... cozy.”
“We’re saving gas,” you say. Too quickly. “And rent affairs don’t settle themselves.”
Seokmin nods far too earnestly, eyes wide with some strange sympathy. “Right, totally. Very environmentally conscious. That’s great,” he babbles. “And practical. And—wow, honestly, I just think it’s so mature of you both.”
You glance at Jeonghan, but he’s looking at you like he can read between every word. Your mouth goes dry.
“It’s not like we’re sharing a hotel room or anything,” you add, heat prickling your neck.
“Of course,” Jeonghan says, a little too smoothly. “Of course not.”
You open your mouth to say something—what exactly, you’re not sure—but the locker room door swings open, and Joshua steps out, shrugging a hoodie over his shoulders. His hair is still damp from the shower, and he’s wearing that faded t-shirt you used to sleep in on cold nights. It’s the smallest detail, and it punches the air from your lungs.
“Guys,” he calls, eyes flicking to his friends, then to you. “Are you hounding her already?”
“Never,” Seokmin says, scandalized.
“We were just saying she looks great,” Jeonghan adds innocently. “Glowing, really.”
Joshua rolls his eyes and crosses the room, not bothering to hide the way his hand brushes the small of your back as he stops beside you. It’s not quite possessive, not quite apologetic. It’s almost like a habit, even, and that somehow makes it infinitely worse.
“You ready?” he asks.
You nod, stepping away from Seokmin’s saccharine smile and Jeonghan’s knowing smirk. “Ready.”
Joshua gives his workmates one last look. “Try not to make it weird next time.”
“No promises,” Jeonghan calls.
You don’t look back. You can still feel their stares long after the office door swings shut behind you.
The walk to the parking lot isn’t awkward, not really, but it sits heavy on your shoulders like a coat you forgot you were wearing. Joshua doesn’t fill the silence with small talk the way he used to. You’re grateful and uneasy about that in equal measure.
When you reach the car, it’s like stepping into a memory. The same beat-up Hyundai with the faded blue paint and the bumper sticker that says, Protect Our Oceans— slightly peeling at the edges now, with the art faded. The salt air and the sun hasn’t been kind to it, but it runs fine. Always has. You remember that stupid sticker because you bought it at an aquarium gift shop on a whim, and Joshua had kissed you breathless when you slapped it onto his car without asking.
He unlocks the doors and, like always, walks around to open the passenger side for you.
You blink at him. “Still doing that, huh?”
Joshua glances up at you, a wry little smile playing on his lips. “Muscle memory.”
“Chivalry,” you correct, sliding into the seat. “Or remorse. One of those.”
He huffs a soft laugh and closes the door behind you.
Inside, the car smells the same—like lemon air freshener and something slightly sulfury. His dashboard is still cluttered with receipts and paper coffee cups. There’s a pair of sunglasses perched haphazardly on the dash. One of the little rubber sea creature figurines you used to collect is still wedged in the air vent.
You reach out and flick the tiny plastic octopus. “Wow. Can’t believe you still have this. I figured you’d Marie Kondo everything I left behind.”
Joshua settles into the driver’s seat, buckling in. “It didn’t spark rage, so I kept it.”
You snort. “I think you’re misusing the philosophy.”
The GPS clicks on, a familiar robotic voice announcing the route. Estimated time to destination: eight hours and seventeen minutes.
You glance at Joshua. “Still time to turn back. We can Venmo the landlady and call it a day.”
He shakes his head, pulling out of the lot. “You know she refuses to use the app,” he grumbles. “Thinks it’s a government tracking device.”
You lean back in your seat and sigh. “Perfect. Just what this trip needed: more analog bureaucracy.”
Joshua laughs again, softer this time. You both stare straight ahead, the road stretching long and wide before you. Somewhere in that space, the heaviness begins to lift.
You think the first hour will be easy.
Of course you do. You’ve done long drives before, with less than eight hours of fuel between you. And besides, this is Joshua.
You’ve survived all sorts of terrain together—coastal roads with the windows down, long drives through the mountains while his hand rested on your thigh, that one disastrous trip to Jeju where it rained so hard he missed a turn and the GPS rerouted you onto a cliffside road you’re still convinced was cursed. That one ended in tears. And a kiss. And a long night spent in a guesthouse where the power went out twice.
But this is different.
Now, you’re in the passenger seat of the same car, the leather warmed by the late morning sun, and Joshua isn’t even humming. You keep your eyes on the road or your phone or the shifting landscape outside the window. Anywhere but on him.
He drives the way he always does—left hand on the wheel, right hand fiddling with the AUX cable when the Bluetooth fails (as it often does). You’d always liked that about him. That he never filled silence just for the sake of it, that he gave it space to stretch out, to become something sacred.
Now, it just feels like distance.
“You okay?” he asks in an even voice.
You glance at him. The highway curves, and so does his mouth, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Yeah,” you lie. “You?”
He nods, then looks like he regrets it. “Yeah,” he echoes, but you know he’s lying, too. His nose scrunches up for a half-second. It only ever does that when he’s faking.
Another few minutes pass. The GPS chimes a reminder about your next turn in 112 kilometers. You both pretend like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
You used to talk about everything in the car. Plans, dreams, where you’d want to settle down when Joshua got a more permanent assignment. You’d nap on the longer drives, and he’d let you sleep, stealing glances when he thought you wouldn’t catch him.
Sometimes, he’d narrate the scenery just to hear you groan about how sentimental he was. There’d be music, sometimes arguments over the playlist. But even the fights were better than this new, tentative silence that makes your lungs feel tight.
You wish the GPS had a button for: Take me back to when it was easy.
“Want some music?” you ask finally, reaching for the console.
“Sure,” he says, and that’s all.
You put on a playlist and settle back, biting the inside of your cheek when the first few notes of a familiar song play. One he used to sing absentmindedly while driving. One that used to make you smile.
He doesn’t sing now.
The song ends.
The road stretches on.
Joshua doesn’t say much for the next half hour, and neither do you.
You try not to count how many times you look towards him. You lose count anyway. The GPS announces that there are six hours and thirty-nine minutes left in the trip. That’s plenty of time, you think, for things to get worse.
When Joshua speaks again, it’s so civil that you contemplate getting off at the next stop and walking the rest of the way instead. “There’s a diner up ahead. You wanna stop for lunch?”
You know the place—he’s taken you there before. Vinyl booths, terrible coffee, and pancakes that somehow taste like grilled cheese. It had always been charming in a very Joshua kind of way.
But a sit-down meal feels intimate. Too intimate. Like pretending nothing ever ended. You don’t have the energy to put on a show, to act like a couple, or friends, or strangers who were forced to be there together for the sake of a meal.
“Can we just get takeout?” you ask. “Eat in the car?”
Joshua glances at you, brows lifting. “You don’t wanna sit down? Stretch your legs?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not. Your neck does that thing when you’re annoyed.”
“It’s not annoyance. I just don’t think lunch should feel like a date.”
That lands a little too sharply. Joshua blinks at the road ahead, exhales slowly through his nose. “Wasn’t trying to make it one,” he murmurs, the edge of his petulance in his voice reminding you of days where you might’ve willed his upset away with a kiss to the tip of his nose.
Silence stretches between you, taut and cold. You rub your hands together in your lap.
“I just think,” you say more carefully, “eating in your car is a good compromise. Halfway point.”
Joshua doesn’t respond at first, but then his lips twitch. “Halfway point. Like everything else with us.”
You laugh despite yourself. “You make it sound poetic.”
“It kind of is.”
The tension eases just a little. Enough that when he pulls into the diner lot, you go in together, order your usuals with barely a glance at the menu. When the cashier asks if it’s for here or to-go, Joshua looks at you before answering.
“To-go, please,” he says, smiling faintly.
Back in the car, you pass him the paper bag and slide the drinks into the cupholders like you’ve done it a hundred times before. Maybe you have. He gives you your fries without asking, and you split the last onion ring exactly like you used to—right down the middle, no more, no less.
“We’re ridiculous,” you say through a mouthful of burger.
Joshua leans back in his seat, chewing. “Speak for yourself. I’m extremely dignified.”
“Right,” you say with an eye roll. “That’s why you ordered a chocolate milkshake with extra whipped cream.”
He lifts it like a trophy. “You’re just jealous.”
“Of diabetes?”
Joshua laughs, full and bright, and for a second, you forget that you’re not supposed to still be in love with him.
For a second, it feels like that chapter never ended.
Joshua wipes the last of his fries against the inside of his sauce carton before tossing it back into the paper bag, eyeing your half-eaten sandwich like he’s tempted to finish that, too. You don’t point it out. He’s always been the type to clean plates, especially yours, when you left food untouched for too long.
The silence feels less sharp than the last one, but not yet comfortable. It’s the kind that sits in the middle seat like an awkward chaperone.
He slurps down the rest of his milkshake, the straw giving an annoying little gurgle. Then, just as you’re debating how soon you can ask to queue up a podcast without it sounding like a lifeline, he speaks.
“We can’t spend the rest of the trip like this.”
You blink. “Like what?”
Joshua lifts his gaze to meet yours, pointed and unflinching. “Like we’re walking on eggshells. Like we didn’t share an apartment, a bed, a life for two years.”
He’s right, of course, but who were you if you weren’t arguing for the sake of it? “I’ve told you everything that’s happened to me since the breakup,” you shoot back. “If you want the weather report from last Tuesday, I can give that too.”
“I don’t want the weather report.” He levels you with a stare, then softens. “I want more than just a status update.”
You open your mouth, but before you can speak, he leans back with a little sigh and an even smaller smile. “Do you remember our first date?”
You do.
Too well, in fact.
An indie cafe with too many hanging plants and not enough tables. You’d sat across from each other with your knees knocking and your drinks forgotten. He’d suggested the list, half-sincere, half as a joke. You had humored him because his eyes crinkled so sweetly when he grinned, and you liked how he said your name like a song he already knew the melody to.
“Pull it up,” he says now. “Let’s revisit it.”
Your mouth curls into a grimace. "Joshua—"
“Pull it up,” he repeats, firmer. He’s already gathering up your trash along with his, crumpling napkins and squashing cartons, as if taking away your excuses along with the waste.
“This is stupid,” you huff, not bothering to hide your exasperation.
“Probably,” he shrugs, stepping out of the car. “But so are we.”
As the door shuts and he heads toward the garbage bin, you pick up your phone with reluctant fingers. It takes only a few taps to find it again. A New York Times article, a psychologist’s experiment, a curated path to intimacy in less than 40 questions.
The title glares up at you, both a threat and a promise.
The 36 Questions to Fall in Love.
Joshua merges back onto the highway, one hand steady on the wheel, the other fiddling with the A/C knob until the air turns from too cold to just bearable. You hold your phone in your lap, glaring at the list he told you to pull up.
“You’re impossible,” you say flatly.
“Come on,” he grins, eyes now on the road. “It’s been four years. Think of it as a science experiment. Research question: Have we changed? Independent variables: us, circa year one.”
You exhale slowly, scrolling down to the first question. “Fine. But if I cry, I’m blaming you.”
“Looking forward to it.”
You read: “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”
He hums. “Still Adam Levine.”
“You said that last time.”
“Yeah, and I still want him to serenade me over dumplings. What about you?”
You pause. “I said Robin Williams.”
“You did.” He glances at you briefly. “You still would?”
Your voice softens. “Yeah. More than ever.”
Joshua nods, not saying more. The next question: “Would you like to be famous? In what way?”
“God, no,” he answers. “The idea of people knowing my grocery list terrifies me.”
“You said that exact sentence before.”
“Then I’m nothing if not consistent.”
You consider. “I think... maybe a little. Not movie-star famous, but like, niche-famous. Someone kids cite in their thesis papers.”
“I always said you’d be a terrifying cult classic.”
“And you’d be the first of my followers.”
He just laughs.
You ask the next question. “Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?”
Glancing over at Joshua, you sound almost accusatory. “You said no.”
“Still true.”
“Still sociopathic,” you mutter. “I rehearse everything. Even pizza orders.”
“You did. And you still turn red when they ask if you want extra cheese.”
You try to glare, but he looks too pleased with himself. That’d been his role, way back when. Designated orderer, designated caller, designated voice at the counter saying We asked for no pickles. ‘We’, because he never threw you under the bus when it mattered—every time else was fair game.
You read on. “What would constitute a 'perfect' day for you?”
Joshua’s voice mellows out. “That one I might change. Used to be pools, no tourists, good weather. Now... I think it’s waking up late, coffee with someone I like, doing nothing important.”
You stare out the window. “You said hiking and tide pools,” you recall, tone just a little too wistful.
“Yeah. That was when I thought I had something to prove.”
“Mine’s the same. French toast. Blankets. A book.”
His smile is small. “Still easy to please.”
You persevere. “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”
“I sang to the clownfish this morning. They’re judgmental bastards.”
“That counts. And to yourself?”
He falters. A beat. Another. “I don’t remember,” he says, like singing was now something he could only give to others and not to himself. You try not to overthink it. He goes on to accuse you, “You used to sing in the shower. Loudly.”
“Still do. But I sang to my niece last week. She made me do six rounds of Baby Shark.”
“A timeless classic.”
You grin despite yourself, heart ticking a little faster. You knew this would be strange. You didn’t expect it to feel so oddly comforting.
He breaks the quiet. “Told you it wouldn’t kill us.”
“We’re only five questions in,” you warn. “Plenty of time to implode.”
He just smiles, knuckles brushing the gearshift.
“Onward, then.”
Questions six and seven are easy. Your answers to those haven’t changed much. You would rather live to the age of 90 and retain the mind of a 30-year-old; Joshua’s secret hunch about how he might die would always be something about the water, knowing how he could never stay away from it. There’s a pang of something in your chest. This sinking feeling caught between disappointment and relief, over the fact that there were still some things that stayed the same.
You stall a little at question eight.
“Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.”
Your phone screen lights up with the prompt, and you roll it over in your palm like it might yield an easier answer if you look at it long enough. Next to you, Joshua keeps his eyes on the road, but his grip on the steering wheel slackens.
He must remember, too.
The first time you answered this question, you were strangers seated across from each other. A mutual friend had sworn you'd get along. There had been no pressure—just coffee and curiosity, laughter over things neither of you really understood yet.
“We both like documentaries,” you had said then, too quickly, a little flustered.
“We’re both good listeners,” he had added.
The third one had taken a while. You remember biting into your food, chewing slowly, the hum of the café’s playlist blending with the chatter around you.
“I think,” Joshua had said, after a beat, “we both really want to be understood.”
You remember the way your gaze had lifted then, meeting his across the table. You hadn’t said it, but you’d thought it: That’s not a guess. That’s a direct hit.
Now, four years later, a breakup and a road trip between you, the question lands differently.
“We both like silence,” you say eventually, to break it.
Joshua lets out a small huff of a laugh. “You used to say that was a bad thing.”
“It was. When we didn’t know what the silence meant.”
A nod from him. “But now?”
You glance sideways, catch the way his profile is lit by the late afternoon sun. “Now, I think we know.”
You don’t have to expound. He knows. You know. Silence is not your enemy, the same way you are not each other’s enemy.
“We both overthink everything,” he adds next. “Especially what the other person is thinking.”
That makes you grin, despite yourself. You always thought of yourself to be a bit of a people pleaser, while Joshua just so happened to lack a proper brain-to-mouth filter. You tap your finger against the phone, as if tallying it up. “Documentaries still count?”
“You tell me.”
You think about the way you’d fall asleep to David Attenborough narrating sea creatures. How Joshua would shake his head, but stay up beside you anyway. The way your conversations would spiral into philosophical debates over conservation, ethics, humanity.
You had learned to love the things he loved, learned to love him by seeing the world through his eyes. And he had loved you back. Loved the intent, loved the work, loved the way you overstayed your welcome every single time.
“Yeah,” you decide. “Guess so.”
Silence laps at the car again, but it’s softer now. Not a chasm, just space.
Then Joshua speaks again, voice low and steady.
“If it doesn’t count,” he says slowly, as if each word is a minefield to navigate. “We could just say we both still care for each other.”
You don’t protest. You don’t need to.
You both go through the next four questions with twin wavering resolves.
You ask, For what in your life do you feel most grateful?, and you do your best not to flinch when he squeezes your name between mentions of waterproof dry bags and mechanical pencils.
When you read out If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?, you tell him about wishing you had better examples for love—but you don’t quip that maybe it would’ve saved your relationship.
The two of you sidestep and navigate like your lives depend on it. Joshua’s tapping the steering wheel like he’s in rhythm with a song only he knows. A comfortable lapse hovers for the next few minutes as the miles disappear into the road behind you. You think you’re in the clear. That the minefield is behind you.
Then, the GPS voice gently announces a turn. A new fork, a new direction.
The second set of questions.
You scroll down the list, phone warm in your hand. “Thirteen,” you say. “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?”
Joshua doesn’t answer right away.
You look towards him. He’s biting at the inside of his cheek, eyes still trained on the road. He exhales slowly, the sound more tired than thoughtful.
“If I made the right call,” he says. “About us.”
It twinges like a pinched nerve.
You wish you had something eloquent to say, some wry comment about him never trusting the scientific method, but all you manage is a short, “Oh.”
Oh, because the breakup is an unwelcome third guest chaperoning you in the car. Oh, because you had both told your friends it was mutual—but if you were to get technical about it, Joshua was the one who brought it up. Oh, because that would have been your answer to the question, too.
Instead, you choose to say, “I think I’d want to know if I’ll ever feel like I’m doing enough.”
Joshua doesn’t say anything to that.
“Fourteen,” you try again. “Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?”
“You already know mine,” he says. “Marine biology, living near the coast, helping with coastal restoration programs. I did it.”
You nod, expecting the conversation to move on, but he doesn’t let it.
“What about you?”
“I don’t know,” you say hesitantly. “Same answer as before, I guess. I always thought I’d do something with my psychology degree. Make something that helps. You know. But money talks.”
Joshua snorts, but this isn’t like the small, amused sounds of earlier. No, this is preemptive of the Joshua you’d always loathed a little bit. The one who could be derisive, the one buried underneath the gentleman.
“You said the exact same thing two years ago,” he points out, and the tone of his voice grates.
You bristle. “And your point is?”
“My point is,” he says, voice sharpening, “you keep talking like you’re stuck, but you’re the one who won’t move."
The air tightens between you. He takes one hand off the wheel, gesturing vaguely.
“I’m not judging. I just don’t get it. You said you wanted more.”
“And you wanted me to upend my entire life for an ideal,” you shoot back.
“That’s not what I said.”
“It’s what you meant.”
Your voice is louder than you intended. The words are more pointed than they needed to be. This is too familiar—this twisting spiral of disappointment and miscommunication, the way your arguments always started from a flicker and turned into a full blaze.
Joshua exhales. “I just want you to be happy. You used to talk about doing something meaningful with your life.”
“Well, maybe I changed my mind.”
He looks like he wants to challenge that—but just as he opens his mouth, the car jolts.
Hard.
Something thumps beneath you, loud and jarring. Your body lurches forward with the sudden stop, but before you can react, Joshua’s arm darts across your chest, steady and instinctive.
The car groans. You both freeze.
“What the hell,” Joshua breathes, flicking the hazards on as he pulls over.
You’re stunned, held in place by his outstretched arm. It’s only when he turns to look at you, concern overriding the tension in his expression, that you realize he’s still bracing you.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his voice low and urgent.
You nod, lips parted but unable to speak.
Because even now, after all this time, his first instinct is to protect you.
Five hours away. That’s how far you are from your destination.
It’s nothing major. Something about the floor of the car, something that will need repairs so Joshua can drive safe. But the nearest repair shop isn’t going to open until seven in the morning, and Joshua bitches about sleeping in the car for 15 minutes before you finally agree to a motel. Which, of course, has only one room available.
The door creaks open with a wheeze of rusted hinges, revealing a room that looks like it time-traveled straight out of a 70s crime thriller. You both pause on the threshold, blinking at the single bed in the center of the room. The comforter is a paisley fever dream, the walls painted a suspicious shade of beige. A ceiling fan wobbles threateningly above.
And then, as if on cue, you both burst out laughing.
You lean against the chipped door frame, wiping tears from your eyes. “Jeonghan cursed us,” you proclaim. “I knew it. He saw us in that hallway and whispered some old-timey hex under his breath. Probably used sea salt and seashells.”
Joshua drops his bags with a thud and grins, running a hand through his hair. “You’re giving him way too much credit. If anything, this is God. This is Him writing fan fiction. You know—slow burn, exes to lovers, only-one-bed trope.”
“Ah, right,” you say, nodding solemnly. “God’s on AO3 now. What’s next? Coffee shop AU?”
“Don’t tempt Him,” Joshua laughs, flopping onto the bed with a bounce that makes the entire frame groan. “He might give us matching aprons tomorrow morning.”
You look around and spot the world's saddest mini fridge and a TV that probably doesn’t work. There’s a vending machine outside humming like a chainsaw. The neon sign of the motel glows red through the thin curtains, bathing the room in a faint hellish light.
If this was hell, it wasn’t all that bad.
“Well,” you say, toeing off your shoes and sitting at the edge of the bed. “At least it’s clean.”
“That is a bold assumption,” Joshua mutters, inspecting a mysterious stain on the carpet.
Another beat passes. You're both still chuckling softly, disbelief softening into something warmer. Something easier.
You lie back beside him, careful to leave a healthy, polite distance between your bodies. “You know, for all the fights, I missed this part. The chaos. The way the universe used to screw with us.”
Joshua turns his head, gazing at you with a tenderness that nearly knocks the air from your lungs. “Yeah. Me too.”
For a while, you both just lie there, listening to the ceiling fan squeal and the cars woosh pasts on the highway. Laughing quietly at the impossible, fanfictional mess you’ve found yourselves in yet again.
Loving Joshua had felt a bit like that. A fairytale. A song. And so the ending of it all—the last chapter, the final notes—had left you feeling cheated. There was a time where you believed the love might have lasted; it sucks to be proven otherwise.
Joshua pulls himself up, socked feet nudging yours underneath the yellowing duvet. He looks up at you with something reverent in his eyes, the kind of look that used to come just before he said something dumb and sincere all at once.
“You know we can’t stop now,” he says. “It’s not every day we get to be stranded in a town with population thirty and a single bed between us.”
You shake your head, still smiling from earlier. “You’re really pushing the limits of what counts as a romantic setting.”
“I’m just saying,” he continues. “We made it this far. Might as well keep going. Question fifteen.”
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
You settle into the other side of the bed, cross-legged, careful not to brush against his knee. “Finishing grad school while holding down a full-time job. That, or not screaming at that one VP during our quarterly meeting.”
Joshua laughs. “Oh, I remember that guy. You hated him with the passion of a million suns.”
“That hasn’t changed. You?”
He thinks for a moment. “Publishing my research paper last year. The one on coral regeneration. That felt big. Like it could actually change something.”
It’s a good answer. You nod. “Alright. Question sixteen. What do you value most in a friendship?”
Joshua leans back, hands behind his head. “Loyalty. The kind that doesn’t flinch when things get hard.”
You hum. “I get that. And maybe the ability to sit in silence without it being weird. Just… coexisting.”
You both fall quiet. That used to be the two of you. Afternoons of independent hobbies, evenings of parallel play. You were both perfectly fine, fully functional people outside of your relationship. You were not two halves of a whole.
A part of you wonders if that’s where you went wrong. If completion was precedent to a proper romance. But you also know that’d been your strongest suit—letting the love guide, not consume. Letting it linger, not fester.
“Question seventeen,” you say, scrolling down your phone. “Most treasured memory.” You steal a glance. “Back then, yours was that beach day with your mom, right?”
Joshua nods slowly. “Still important. But… I think it’s changed.”
He looks out the small motel window, takes a deep breath like he’s getting ready to plunge into the deep end of something. “Remember the time we got caught in that summer storm in Jeju?” he muses. “We were soaked, freezing, and the only place open was that sad diner with the flickering lights. You looked miserable. But you laughed anyway. God, you laughed so hard. I think I knew I loved you then.”
Your throat tightens. You hated that night. Everything went wrong, and you thought it was a sign this new boyfriend of yours wasn’t meant for you. But Joshua had been an even bigger diva than you—enough to make you forget your misery, to have you giggling despite the fact you were borderline pneumonic, showering in ice-cold water.
“That was a good night,” you say.
He offers you a half-smile, one that communicates just how aware he is of your indulgence. He knows you complained to your friends, that you logged the entry into your diary with notes of Never again!!! and The Jeju curse is real. But he also knows you loved him, even then, even with your shoes full of water and your lips too chapped to press against his.
“Your turn,” he urges.
You shrug, suddenly aware of your hands in your lap. “There’s a lot. But… that one birthday you surprised me with the rooftop dinner. I had the worst week, and you just… knew.”
Neither of you have to expound. Not on the work week that had wrung you dry, not on the chocolate chip cookies he had learned to bake especially for that evening. You had burst into tears when you saw the candlelit dinner and the monstrous bouquet of mismatched flowers; Joshua had cooed reassurances into the top of your hair, whispering sweet nothings like Pretty girls shouldn’t cry on their birthday. Come on, love, smile.
“Question eighteen,” you continue, because dwelling on the way he looked then is almost enough to have you relapsing. “Most terrible memory.”
You don’t answer right away.
“Back then,” you say slowly, “it was something stupid. Failing my first stats exam. But now…”
You glance at him, and he’s already looking at you.
“It was the night we decided to end it,” you admit. “The part where I packed up and left. Closing the door. That part hurt the most.”
Joshua exhales. “Ditto,” he says, and you don’t call him a cop out. You don’t accuse him of not being as hurt as you. You just—you let him have that, too.
It’s a terrible memory.
The room is quiet again. Outside, the neon motel sign flickers. Inside, two people who once knew each other like the back of their hands try to find their way back through questions that are starting to feel like maps.
Joshua doesn’t hesitate to read out question nineteen.
“If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?”
You shift slightly on the edge of the bed, knees curled toward you like you could fold yourself into a simpler version of this night. “I’d probably quit my job,” you say slowly. “Travel. See my parents more often. Start writing again. Not wait for the perfect time to do everything.”
He hums. “I’d probably take a few sabbaticals. Go diving in the Galápagos,” he says. “Set my mom up with a good house. Maybe... I don't know. Make a documentary. Something that puts all the little things I love in one place.”
You glance at him, watching the way he fidgets with a corner of the blanket between his fingers. He’s leaning against the headboard, one leg stretched out, the other bent. A familiar pose, from when he used to read in bed. The memory tugs, and you almost say something—almost add what neither of you have said.
You’d want to call him. One last road trip, maybe. One last laugh over something ridiculous.
A kiss, if he were feeling particularly generous. Not to see if it could salvage, but just to remember the way it’d made you feel alive.
But you don’t say it. And neither does he.
Instead, he offers you a smile that doesn’t look real at all. “You tired?”
You nod. You lie. “A bit.”
Joshua pushes himself up from the bed, stretching his arms above his head. “Alright. You get the bed. I’ll take the cockroach-infested couch chair.”
You glance at the lumpy thing in the corner and raise an eyebrow. “You’ll get scoliosis.”
“I’m a marine biologist, not a chiropractor,” he quips. “I’ll survive.”
You roll your eyes, already pulling the blanket over you. “Fine. But if you wake up tomorrow and can’t feel your back, I’m not driving.”
He chuckles. “Forever a passenger princess.”
As he dims the lights, he adds, “The experiment continues tomorrow.”
You don’t answer. You let your eyes fall shut, the room quieting into the rustle of sheets and soft motel noises. Since the breakup, you’ve been having trouble with sleep. The melatonin gummies have helped somewhat; you don’t have any on hand, though, after expecting the two of you would make the trip a one-and-done.
Now, though, your breathing slows quicker than it has in weeks. You have a fleeting thought that it has something to do with Joshua being in the same room—as if your body is fine-tuned to relax and uncoil in his presence, so used to the notion that he would always keep you safe.
In your dream, you are somewhere coastal.
The salt air clings to your skin. Joshua is there, too.
Older and sunburned, wrinkled and still yours. He’s smiling at you like nothing ever hurt between you, his eyes curled in those crescents you were always so weak for.
Knee-deep in the water, he reaches out a hand.
You take it without thinking.
The mechanic gives Joshua the all-clear just before nine in the morning. The two of you make do with a gas station breakfast—powdered donuts and hot coffee that taste vaguely of cardboard—and then you’re back on the road.
The sky is clear, and the early morning light softens the world around you in a way that makes it feel like yesterday’s sharp edges never happened.
You think, maybe, that Joshua’s forgotten about the questions. Maybe last night was a fluke. A relic of nostalgia mixed with insomnia. Maybe the two of you can ride the rest of the way in companionable silence, listening to acoustic playlists and the occasional podcast.
Except Joshua is a bitch who never forgets.
“Okay,” he says, fingers tapping rhythmically against the steering wheel. “Where were we?”
You sigh dramatically. “We’re still on that?”
“Of course,” he replies cheekily. “We’re in too deep to give up.”
You scroll back on your phone, eyes scanning the familiar list. You breeze through questions 20 and 21—both of you agreeing that you value honesty in relationships and sharing that you talk to your family almost every week. It’s easy. Almost comfortable.
Then comes question 22.
“Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.”
You remember how this went the first time. How clumsy and awkward you both were, strangers trying to map out the shape of each other with vague guesses. You’d said something like, You seem like a good listener, and Joshua had commented on your style.
All surface.
Now, there’s too much underneath.
Joshua clears his throat. “You go first.”
You consider calling him a narcissist, but you opt out. “Okay. Uh,” you start. “You’re—steadfast. Once you decide something matters to you, you stay. Even when it’s hard.”
He hums. “You’re perceptive. You always notice the things no one else does.”
“You’re thoughtful,” you go on. “You remember things—like people’s favorite snacks or how they take their coffee. It’s never loud, but it’s there.”
“You’re funny,” he says, a little more quickly. “In a smart way. You don’t always say the joke out loud, but when you do, it lands.”
You laugh. “That’s the first time you’ve called me funny.”
“I call you funny in my head all the time,” he replies.
You don’t quite know what to say to that, so you look down at your phone.
“You’re earnest,” you offer. “Even when you try not to be. Especially then.”
His grip on the wheel tightens for a split second before relaxing again. “You care deeply. About people. About doing the right thing. Even when it tears you up.”
Joshua drives just a little below the speed limit, as if trying to stretch this moment out. You don’t say it out loud, but you both know you’ve passed five.
You wonder if that’s the point.
The hum of the car is soft under the quiet that settles again between you. The GPS chirps—still three hours to go. Still three hours of pretending it doesn’t sting to sit this close to him. Still three hours of pretending like this is just a ride and not a slow unraveling of everything you’d packed away.
You read the next prompt aloud, your voice only slightly more confident now: “Make three true ‘we’ statements each. For instance, ‘We are both in this room feeling...’”
He lifts an eyebrow. “Three each? That's excessive.”
You shrug. “Take it up with Dr. Arthur Aron.”
Joshua rolls his shoulders. “Okay. One: We are both doing our best to not make this weirder than it already is.”
“One: We are both extremely bad at not making things weird,” you counter.
He laughs, and it's the kind of laugh that softens something in your chest. “Two: we both care more than we probably should.”
You hesitate. Then, “Two: We both don’t really know what to do with all the leftover feelings.”
Joshua exhales like you had punched the air out of him.
So far, everything has alluded to this. To the eventual conclusion that you both had things you still wanted to say. Joshua was never slick; you know why he’s insisting on playing this game.
He’s hoping to find closure—some twisted semblance of it—in between questions one to thirty-six. Or maybe he’s hoping to find something else. A hint. A reason. An opening. You don’t know for sure, but you know Joshua Hong is the type of person that always has a motive.
Leftover feelings is just a nice way to put it.
“Three,” he goes on, as if he physically can’t bring himself to address your second statement, “We both remember everything. Even if we pretend we don’t.”
You look at him. His hands on the wheel, that little crease between his brows that forms when he's thinking too hard. You say, quietly, “We are both still here. In this car. On this trip. That counts for my last one, right?”
He doesn't answer right away. Then he says, voice lighter than it’s been all day, “Are you still okay with all this?”
It feels like the first real question he’s asked you—not part of a list, not pulled from a script, not something rehearsed. It’s a moment of benevolence, an offer for an out. If you told him your heart was cracking open, he’d find one of his own playlists and you would throw in the white flag at the start of set three.
You turn toward the window. “I’m okay if you are,” you say, because it’s true, because you’re indecisive, because you kind of want answers, too.
From the corner of your eye, you see him nod. “Okay.” A pause. “Then we keep going.”
You move on to question twenty-six.
“Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone with whom I could share…’”
Joshua shifts his grip on the wheel. The road outside blurs into long stretches of beige and green, but neither of you is looking at it.
He exhales. “...small wins.”
You think of the refrigerator in your shared apartment, the one with fish-themed magnets and Joshua’s accomplishment reports pinned up like kindergarten drawings. You think of his evening prayers, the sleepy mumbles of Hey God, it’s me, Joshua, and the gratitude for no traffic or healthy corals. You think of the crumpled look on his face when you couldn’t quite understand why he was so happy over something, the way his shoulders would fall when you couldn’t share in his small but certain happiness.
You give your own answer. “...my fears.”
It lands heavier than it should. There are notebooks full of pages upon pages of writing, words you should have probably divulged to Joshua but chose not to. There are sweaters, and hoodies, and jackets with loose threads around the sleeves, from all the times you’d gotten scared but took it out on yourself instead of saying something. There are memories of Joshua—on his knees, slamming the door—asking for you to give him an inch. You never did budge.
The car suddenly feels small. Too small for the weight of things unsaid.
“Twenty-seven,” you announce, voice wavering. “If you were going to become close friends, please share what would be important for him or her to know.”
You look at Joshua. His jaw tenses. It’s a query that works best in the context of the study. The questions are a first-date gig, meant for strangers looking to be friends or friends praying to be lovers.
Not exes. Not you and Joshua.
“That I get quiet when I’m overwhelmed,” he responds. “That it doesn’t mean I’m shutting people out. I just need space to think.”
You give a jerky nod, then answer, “That I overthink most things. That I’ll ask for reassurance even when I know the answer.”
He glances at you. “You still do that?”
“Yeah.”
The silence this time is different—not the awkward kind from the first hour of the trip, but something rawer. Tension prickles at the base of your neck.
You tap the GPS map. “Can you pull over at the next gas station? I have to pee,” you say, even though your bladder is the furthest from full.
Joshua grunts his approval.
A few minutes later, he turns off the road. You murmur a quick thanks before slipping out of the car.
The restroom is fluorescent-lit and smells faintly of soap and old tiles. You grip the edge of the sink and lean forward, staring into the mirror.
“You’re fine,” you tell your reflection. “You’re fine. Don’t go there again.”
You splash cold water on your face, the shock of it grounding. You know what this is starting to feel like. A ledge, a pattern, a memory dressed up like something new.
You’re not sure if you can fall again and survive the landing.
Behind your reflection, the bathroom door creaks open. You dry your face and brace yourself to step back into the heat of the day—and into a car that feels more like a confession booth with every mile.
Joshua drums his fingers along the curve of the wheel, elbow resting by the window as highway signs blur past. Your hair is still slightly damp at the edges from where you splashed your face. The radio hums low between you, some soft indie band murmuring about lost time.
“Two more hours,” he informs you. Not quite a warning, not quite a relief.
You nod, thumbing through the article on your phone. “Eight more questions.”
He exhales a laugh. “Maybe space it out? Take your time with the hard ones?”
“I’ll take a break after the next one,” you say. “Number twenty-eight.”
There’s a half-smile on his face, like he remembers the first time twenty-eight was posed. “The big one.”
You clear your throat and read aloud: “Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time.”
You both laugh, maybe a little too hard. You’re thinking of the first date—how you’d nervously said you liked that he was punctual, how he’d said he liked your jacket. Neither of you were very brave, then, or honest.
Will you be now?
“Okay,” he says, tapping the wheel in rhythm to the Billy Joel song that has started to croon. “I’ll go first.”
You don’t stop him.
He speaks slowly, at first. As if he’s the weight of each word. You had expected maybe one or two big things, but the fact that there’s an upcoming break seems to embolden him.
He says he likes how you read people before they know they’re being read. He says he likes how you tilt your head when you’re thinking too hard. That you always ask baristas how their day’s going. That you cry during movies, but always pretend it’s allergies. That you never half-listen to someone when they talk.
Each word feels like it’s making the air between you warmer. Thinner. More charged.
He goes on, and on, and on. Some things, you already know. Some things, it’s the first time you’ve heard.
Some things, you thought he had hated—only to find out it was the complete opposite.
Some things, you’re surprised he even noticed.
When he patters off, he looks a bit sheepish, like he hadn’t expected to ramble. Neither of you steal a glance at the car’s analog clock. There’s no need to check, to confirm he spent perhaps a little too long extolling your virtues and waxing poetics you no longer felt like you deserved.
You inhale.
“I like how you look like you’re trying not to smile when you are,” you start. “I like that you leave voice memos instead of texts when you’re tired. That you care about fish more than people sometimes, but you’ll never admit it. That you always carry two chargers. That you know the scientific names for all your favorite corals but still call them ‘little guys’ when you talk about them.”
Your list goes on, and on, and on. You like the calluses on his fingers from the years of guitar-playing. You like the soothing cadence of his voice when he’s reading something out loud. You like the slightly absurd way he sits, and the empathy he gives out as easily as one gives out gum, and the expressions he makes when somebody does something questionable.
You stutter to a stop, knowing you’ve said as much—maybe even a little more—as him. The entire time, you’d kept your eyes on the road, but now you dare yourself to look. You regret it immediately.
He’s gnawing at his lower lip, fighting back a smile. You don’t know how long he’s been trying to hold it back, but from the ruddiness of his cheeks, you’d say it’s been a couple of minutes. “Don’t say all that,” he manages.
“Why not?” you say defensively.
“Makes me want to kiss you,” he says outright, so softly it folds itself between the cracks of your ribcage. “And I’m not supposed to want that anymore.”
His eyes flick over to you. You meet his gaze for half a second longer than is wise.
“Keep your eyes on the road, Hong,” you say, voice steady even as your pulse wavers.
He does as he’s told, but the smile on his face still tries its damnedest not to break.
The silence between you now is lighter, almost companionable. The kind that doesn’t need filling. You’re both tired, but not from each other—at least not in the same way you were when the drive began.
There’s still an ache, a wariness, but it’s no longer sharp. Just an awareness of proximity and time passed.
Outside the window, the highway begins to bleed into coastal roads, winding through the kind of sleepy seaside towns that barely show up on a map. You catch a whiff of salt in the breeze when Joshua cracks the window open. The air is briny and cool, and your landlady’s city can’t be more than ten minutes away now.
“Bring up the next one,” Joshua prompts. “Question twenty-nine.”
You unlock your phone and read aloud, “Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.”
You think for a second before answering. “One time during a client pitch, I said ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism.’ Completely straight-faced. No one corrected me. I didn’t even realize until hours later.”
Joshua barks out a laugh. “That’s… incredible.”
“Corporate girlie era. Not my best work.”
The road narrows, bending toward the sea. Then, he says, “A few weeks after the breakup, I accidentally called you during a team meeting. Like, I butt-dialed you. I was underwater a lot at the time, so I’d listen to your old voicemails whenever I could. Guess my phone got confused. Everyone heard it. The voicemail. You were talking about soup.”
You blink. “Soup?”
He nods solemnly. “Tom kha kai. You were mad I ate yours.”
You stare at him. He tries to act like it’s nothing, like the voicemail wasn’t from very early into your relationship, but his ears are pink.
“That’s…” You want to say sweet, or something else foolish. “Embarrassing. Yeah. I get it.”
He nods, but doesn’t meet your eyes.
Neither of you speak after that. The silence returns, soft and warm. The car turns down a familiar street, and the ocean gleams in the distance like it remembers you both.
Your landlady—sorry, ex-landlady—Minjung lives in a cheerful, sea-salted bungalow at the end of a sloping road. The pavement gives way to pebbles and gull cries. It’s the type of house you and Joshua once joked about retiring in.
There’s none of those jokes today.
The two of you pull up just after one in the afternoon, both exhausted but trying not to show it. The air smells like fried dough, and there’s a breeze that tangles your hair the second you step out.
Minjung opens the door almost as soon as you knock. She’s wearing her usual floral house dress, grey hair pinned up in a neat bun, and when she sees you both standing side by side on her porch, her eyebrows lift so high they nearly disappear into her hairline.
“Oh, you both made it,” she says. Her voice is kind but pointed. “Together, even.”
You and Joshua smile politely, murmuring greetings as you step inside. The living room is exactly how you remember it: mismatched furniture, a faint smell of liniment, crocheted doilies covering every available surface. She ushers you in, offers you barley tea you both politely decline, and sits with a huff in her favorite armchair.
The conversation is short and mostly administrative. Paperwork is signed, keys are handed over, deposits are discussed. She asks if you've found new places to live, and you both assure her you have. When the last form is signed, she takes a long look at the two of you.
“I’m surprised,” she says plainly, “that you two didn’t make it. I had a good feeling about you.”
You glance at Joshua, whose smile is tight but not insincere. “We had a good run,” he says, voice gentle, and that’s somehow the part of this whole endeavor that tears you up the most.
Minjung hums, not quite convinced. But she pats your hand and says she wishes you both well. You thank her.
It’s done. After everything, it’s finally done.
No more shared bills or split chores. No more arguing about groceries or laundry schedules. Just clean breaks, and quiet endings, and another eight hours back home you’ll probably sleep through.
You’re on the porch again, about to step off the last stair, when Minjung opens the door behind you.
“By the way,” she calls out. “You two didn’t have to come all this way, you know. I have a—what do you kids call it? Van-me? Venmo? Yes, that. I have that now.”
She shuts the door in your faces before either of you can respond.
You and Joshua stare at each other. For a beat, silence.
Then, laughter. Real, deep, absurd laughter.
You double over, hands on your knees. Joshua leans against the porch rail, laughing so hard he wheezes. Your cheeks hurt, your eyes blur, and for the first time in what feels like forever, you’re laughing with him like you used to—like nothing ever changed.
“I hate us,” you manage between giggles.
“She really let us suffer through all that,” Joshua gasps. “An eight-hour drive, a motel with one bed, all for... this.”
You can’t stop laughing. Not for a while. And when you finally do, breathless and dazed, you’re not sure what the ache in your chest means anymore.
Joshua invites you to the beach after Minjung’s door shuts behind the both of you. He says it casually, like he’s not asking you to walk across a tightrope of memory, but just to sit, to rest, to let the waves be the only thing talking for a while.
You agree. Because it’s the least you can give him, considering the fact he’s in for another long drive. Because Joshua said that nothing in the world made him happier than the beach, and you.
“We should finish the questions,” he says, already headed toward the shoreline. “Might as well. Before we have to get back in the car.”
You follow him. It’s easier to, now.
The wind’s picked up, but not so much that it makes the air cold. Just enough to push your hair around your face and coat your skin with salt. The two of you find a smooth stretch of sand near the water, a small incline that gives you a view of the waves curling back on themselves. The city behind you is quiet and gray, the kind of place where time seems to wait a little longer between minutes.
You settle in beside him, knees pulled up to your chest. Joshua stretches his legs out in front of him, leans back on his palms.
You open your phone and pull the list up again. “Alright,” you say, trying to make your voice light, “question thirty. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?”
He hums. You think he's stalling, but when he answers, it’s immediate.
“By myself? Last month. One of my undergrads turned in a paper about the death of coral ecosystems and how they linked it to their relationship with their dad. It hit me. I cried in the breakroom.”
“And in front of someone?”
He glances at you. “Right now doesn’t count, right?”
You smile. You don't answer.
“You?”
You pick at a loose thread on your sleeve. “By myself, probably... a couple weeks ago. Work stuff. And in front of someone?” You give him a look. “When we broke up.”
He nods like he remembers, and you know he does.
Question thirty-one. “Tell your partner something that you like about them already.”
Joshua chuckles. “This is like the third time they’ve asked this.”
“Reinforcement is key.”
He looks at you. Not in the way he used to—hungry and open—but with a quiet sort of affection, like he's memorizing without needing to possess. Really looks at you.
“I like how you look when the wind hits your hair. Like you're always on the verge of something. Running or staying,” he says.
You roll your eyes, but your heart doesn’t get the memo.
“You’re such a sap.”
“You used to like that about me.”
“Still do,” you mutter.
Joshua doesn’t press it. You give him your answer—something about the way his eyes light up when he’s watching the sunset. He takes it with grace, angling his face a little more towards the horizon like he’s trying to remind you of what you love about him. As if you’d need a reminder.
Question thirty-two. “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?”
You take longer with this one.
He answers first. “Grief. Not because it can’t be joked about, but because not everyone gets to laugh about it. You have to earn that.”
You look at him.
“What?” he says.
“That was... insightful.”
“I’m a marine biologist, not a clown.”
You huff out a laugh. Your chest is tight, and your heart is full, and your throat is dry with words you shouldn’t say.
Not now. Maybe not ever.
You tell him you agree with him, and he doesn’t claim you’re trying to field the query. He knows you’ve earned the right to say the same thing.
The waves crash in slow rhythm, and the sun slips further down the sky. Joshua turns his head slightly toward you, just enough for the breeze to tousle the hair at his temple.
“We doing all thirty-six today?” he asks, a small smile playing on his lips.
You shrug. “We’re here, aren’t we?”
The wind answers for you both.
It tugs at your sleeves and hair, but not enough to be cruel. Just enough to remind you where you are: a little too far from home, and closer to something else you can't quite name.
“Alright,” you murmur, tapping into your phone. “Thirty-three. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”
You expect him to hesitate. Instead, he answers softly, “That I forgive my dad.”
You glance at him. He stares out at the water, eyes glazed over and jaw tense, but his voice is even. “I kept waiting for the right time. For him to earn it, maybe. But some things... you give, not because they deserve it, but because you need to let it go.”
You nod, even though he isn’t looking. You don't ask questions. You don’t press. It feels sacred, what he said.
He turns to you. “What about you?”
You think for a long moment. The waves come in, and the waves go out.
“That I’m proud of myself,” you say, eventually, your voice cracking around the confession. “That I spent so long trying to be someone worth loving, I never stopped to tell myself I'd made it.”
Joshua’s gaze doesn’t waver. “I’m proud of you, too,” he says.
He says it not because it’s some concession, not because it’s a consolation prize he wants to give you in the face of your honesty. He says it because he means it, the same way he probably meant it when he said he was proud of you for starting your corporate job, proud of you for opening a jar without his help, proud of you for this, and that, and simply existing.
You smile at him. He smiles back. It’s the moment you will carry in your pocket when it’s all over, the one you’ll replay when the morning comes and no trace of Joshua is left.
“Question thirty-four.” You clear your throat. “Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?”
“This feels like a game show.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Final answer, Hong?”
He grins, but it fades quickly, as if he’s realizing just how serious the question is. “There’s this box,” he says, “in my closet. Letters, ticket stubs, Polaroids. I guess I thought I’d forget otherwise.”
You know the box. You’d added to it once. Movies you had watched. Grocery receipts. Post-Its with crude drawings of sea animals that he deemed worthy of keeping despite your disgruntled protest.
That had always been Joshua’s way—loving every part of you, every scrap and morsel, even the ones you didn’t think deserved love. Especially the ones you didn’t think deserved love.
You turn back to the sea, silence stretching between you. You’re not sure what your answer to the question is. Everything you own feels replaceable lately.
You open your mouth. Then close it.
And then, softly, “There’s a necklace. My mom gave it to me before college. It wasn’t worth much, but... it made me feel safe. Like I was tethered to someone.”
He knows the necklace. He’d fixed it once. You were hysterical when it broke, and he painstakingly gathered every broken charm, every loose bead. He watched three YouTube videos and treated the necklace with such care that it came back to you good as new.
You stopped wearing it shortly after, though, out of fear that it would snap again. That Joshua might some day not be around to fix it one more time.
Joshua reaches across the space between you and takes your hand, gently, as if asking permission without words. You let him.
For the first time in months, you feel tethered again.
The question lingers between you like sea mist: soft, hazy, impossible to ignore. Joshua is still holding your hand, thumb barely moving, but the warmth of it spreads up your arm like it's been waiting all this time to find a home there again.
You read out loud thirty-five. “Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?”
You share a look, then, simultaneously—the same way you had when you first encountered the questions—you both say, “Skip.”
“Thirty-six,” you go on, voice a little thinner than you'd like. “Share a personal problem. Ask for advice. Then—”
“—have the other person reflect back how you seem to be feeling,” Joshua finishes for you. His smile is faint but real. “I remember that one.”
The tide hums its low lullaby, and for a while, you pretend to be thinking.
You both stare out at the ocean instead of each other, even as the last question hovers between you, even as his fingers shift—no longer just clasping, but sliding between yours, interlocking like they used to.
Like it’s the last time he'll get to do it. Maybe it is.
Then, you crack. Partly because the entire trip has been absurd, because thirty-six questions got you here in the first place and was now bringing you back.
Partly because you think it’s the last time you’ll have this, too.
You laugh. It escapes like air from a balloon, breathless and tinged with disbelief. “I have a personal problem,” you admit, looking down at your joined hands. “It’s really serious.”
Joshua tilts his head toward you, brows raised.
You meet his eyes. The world around you fades into pale sand and blue waves. “I really, really want to kiss my ex right now.”
His breath hitches, but he doesn’t look away.
And then, softly, like it's the simplest thing in the world: “I can fix that.”
He leans in, and you meet him halfway.
His free hand slides to your cheek, yours to his chest. His heartbeat—usually so certain and steady—hammers underneath your palm. There is nothing scientific about the way it undoes you.
Whatever comes next, you’ll figure it out later. For now, the question has been asked.
The answer is this.
Four years ago, you sat in front of Joshua with your heart on your sleeve.
After running through the thirty-six questions, you had asked him between giggles whether he was in looove with you now. He had looked at you like he was trying to remember how to breathe.
You got some ice cream for dessert. You had felt like you were floating, as if your feet weren’t touching the floor, and the feeling only worsened when he tried and failed to be cool about holding your hand.
At the door of your dormitory, he had kissed you good night. A proper kiss. And when he’d leaned in, you put a hand to his chest and told him to leave the night clean and quiet. Leave it at that, you had said against his lips.
That one, perfect kiss. We’ll have more, you had promised, and he responded with I’m going to collect.
You had watched him turn the corner and go. Right before disappearing, he glanced over his shoulder and flashed you a giddy smile.
The ocean gives—
Five months ago, you sat in front of Joshua with your heart in his hands.
The conversation ended with less than thirty-six questions. There is only so much times you can argue, and compromise, before the spats threaten to spill into resentment. In a small voice, you had asked him if he still loved you. Yes, he had said breathlessly, but you and I both know love isn’t always enough.
In the freezer, a tub of his favorite ice cream waited. One you had picked up in the grocery store, remembering him. It would remain there, cold and sweet and untouched, because the argument started mid-dinner and ended with you feeling like you were an astronaut jettisoned into space. One that would never come back down to Earth.
At the door of the apartment, he had kissed the crown of your hair with quivering lips. You were the one with a friend nearby, the one with a place you could stay at before the two of you had to figure out the shared apartment. Joshua had tried to kiss you properly, but you shook your head wordlessly.
Clean and quiet.
All Joshua could do was love you hard. All you could do was let him go.
You had gotten into a cab. Right before you turned the corner, you twisted in the seat to look in the rear window.
Joshua had been by the gate, watching you leave.
The ocean takes away—
It was easier than you thought, quitting your job.
After the roadtrip, that seemed like Joshua’s parting gift. The realization that you had wanted to do something meaningful with your degree, that running or staying was always a choice you could make.
And so you put in your two-week notice, and looked up Master’s programs, and got a part-time job at a non-government organization with an advocacy you believed in. You had been looking for an excuse to change your life, anyway, and here it was.
It was not like anything happened after the kiss by the beach. Somehow, it had reminded you of that first night—how you had advised Joshua not to push his luck.
He knew, you knew, that the kiss was perfect as is. To try and steal another would do neither of you any good.
He hadn’t answered question thirty-six. The kiss took away that opportunity, and so the two of you simply got back into his car without another word.
You slept the entire ride back and woke up to Joshua listening to some podcast about investigating subtidal zone organisms using a light source. He dropped you off at your apartment, wished you well with a one-armed hug, and drove off into the night.
It’s not like you’d been expecting a follow-up text, but it sure would have been nice.
You don’t dwell on it. You transition your replacement and tie up all loose ends. On your last day in the office, you pack up your desk. Whale-themed calendar, coral-shaped push pins, blue Post-It’s.
“I’ve always loved that about you,” a co-worker says in passing as you rearrange your belongings like a perverse Tetris game. “All the sea stuff.”
It hits you, only then, that you’d been a walking, talking documentary for all the things Joshua Hong loved. You could almost cry at the realization. Instead, you laugh politely.
You’re logging out of your work computer for the very last time when the Mail app pings. You’re inclined to ignore it, to just open it up on your phone and be done with everything, but the preview in the notification has your brows furrowing.
where Chan comes home after months, only to find his beloved mad at him
noble's daughter reader X left-hand-man chan
genre - smut (MDNI)
tags - kind of a loser chan (only to reader), forbidden love, a bit of fluff, oral (f receiving), fingering, unprotected sex (do NOT), multiple orgasms, almost overstimulation?, mentions of blood and decapitation (separately)
let me know if I missed any
wc - 2.6k
note - writing my first smut was harder than I thought 😭
Even in a broken kingdom, where the royals drew a thick, taunting line between the rich and the poor.. nothing could ever make Christopher Bahng falter.
He was the one people talked about.
The boy who came from the less fortunate side of that line, who'd climbed his way up and landed himself a place at the left side of the Marquis.
The first time the Marquis had noticed him was when he'd had bloody knuckles— when a barely adult Christopher had taken down a man almost twice his size in order to carry out his duty to some lowly merchant that did not deserve his loyalty.
The Marquis had asked him to free himself from the filthy place, offering him a job and a livable income.
And now years later, Christopher was his most trusted— whether in terms of business, planning gatherings, getting his hands dirty on behalf of him.. or guarding his precious daughter and keeping her company.
Every task he was handed, he carried out with little to no difficulty. Because there was truly nothing that could make Christopher Bahng falter..
Except you.
The mere sight of you.
Your literal existence.
He had returned back to the capital only minutes ago. Travelling under the hot sun for hours on an empty stomach, the first destination his feet had taken him after returning to the Marquis's house was his daughter's room— to you.
You sat there in your glowing form, where the golden, evening sun bathed your body and reflected off of your silk robe. He had to stop for a moment, remind himself to breathe again, and carve your image into his head.
And yet— you did not take notice of him. Or refused to, for some reason. Because it had been minutes since he had been standing at your door, patiently, admiring you and the way your fingers slowly skimmed through the pages of the novel in your hand.
“For how long are you going to stand there, Christopher?” You asked without sparing him a glance.
“As long as it would take for you to look at me.”
You refrained from rolling your eyes and trained them towards him instead— towards his broad frame clad in black, up to his plump lips and his dark, starry eyes.
“There.. what you wished for.”
He smiled, a dimple falling on his cheek. “Don’t be so cold, m’lady.”
“Oh.. Of course. I am the one being cold.” Your gaze found the words in the novel again, missing the glint in his eyes. “It is not you who's cold, when you go away for months without even bothering to let me know.”
Ah.. he should've expected that.
The Marquis— as any other nobel in the capital— took the fear of his name and the business at his hand very seriously. And because of that, he had all the fame and the happiness he could ever wish for.
Though the one and only thing he lacked.. was a son to carry on his legacy.
Not that he didn't absolutely adore his only daughter. But to carry on his legacy, he needed someone just as demanding.. as intimidating as him.
To stay filthy rich in a kingdom like theirs.. one would often have to have filth on their palms too.
He wasn't sure if his daughter's pouty face and her incredible knack for words would get her the same respect and status as him. Moreover, he would rather spend time thinking of ways he could protect her from the courting eyes of the undeserving people in the kingdom.
But ever since Christopher had made his worth known to him, he felt like his work had become even easier. Naturally.. The Marquis sent him off to close a deal that he knew would take a while.
And it did take a while.. more than two months to be exact.
“So I ask you again.. For how long are you going to stand there, at my door?” You asked, voice laced with venom. “Till my father whisks you away for some work again, for months?”
Christopher couldn't hide desperate smile on his lips. “Lady Y/N..”
“Christopher?”
“Chan.” He corrected, his brows knit up in a way that made your heart lurch. “Chan, for you. Always.”
The entire capital said that you were blessed since birth; A kind face, beautiful features, a sharp tongue that turned soft and nurturing whenever it was appropriate, and a family that could lay the world at your feet.
But no one knew this was your blessing— the softness no one else saw.. the starry eyes, the bloodrush to his face, the dimples on his cheeks. The soft sighs and the groans, the praises and the pleas, all in the confines of those same four walls and among the same pile of pillows on which you laid, now glaring daggers at him.
The capital knew the disciplined, ruthless man with knuckles of iron.. not the boy who yearned for love and attention, who was putty in the hands of his beloved.
And why would they? The only one he ever yearned for, were you.
“Is my lady so mad at me she wouldn't call me by the name she so loves?”
There it was again.. the gentle voice that never fell on another's ear.
“If Chan just so happens to love Y/N’s father more than her, then yes.. Christopher it is.”
He finally moved after what seemed like hours, taking slow steps until he was inches away from the edge of your bed, kneeling in front of it. And you placed your novel on the nightstand beside, staring him down with a piercing, almost derogatory gaze.
If he said it didn't go right through his poor heart, he would be lying.
“But then what would Chan do without his lady?”
“Go and kiss her father's feet. After all, his word means life and death to him.”
And he bent over, lifting your foot till his lips met softly with your ankle— a sign of worship.
“Chan does all this for his lovely lady.. so he could live here another day, close to her.. trapped within her arms, and her lips, and her sweet voice.”
“Lies.” You scoffed, on the edge of forgiving and cruel.
“It was not easy for him either.. to stay far from her for so long.”
You blinked, unimpressed. “Then you should've told my father that.”
He let go of your foot, and you pulled it closer to your body. “Should’ve told him about what we have.. and what we are to each other. That his lovely daughter cannot live a day without her Chan.” You continued.
His eyes darkened only for a moment; half with immense affection, half with thrill. “He would take my head and mount it on a wall in his trophy room.”
“I would steal it and keep it my room.. right there..” You tilted your head towards the wall in front of you, a small smile on your face. “I would brush your hair tidy when a breeze falls, and kiss you good night till you fall apart and decay.”
He smiled, both of his dimples making a show this time. “How romantic.”
Though he saw the frown on your face. And all the days he longed for you came running back to him.
“I couldn't wait to be back here.. Couldn't wait to see you— hold you again.” And he could see on your face that you wanted to hear more. “Couldn't wait to be your Chan again.”
“And I should believe you are not lying?” You quirked an eyebrow, finding it hard to keep on the act.
“Please..” he whispered, climbing on the bed and crawling to you. Your breath hitched as his hands reached for you, parting your legs so he could settle in between. And you let him.
“Please what?” You teased as he hiked up your skirt, leaving a trail of kisses up your leg.
“Every day for two months, I've seen a man starve for his woman whenever I’ve walked past a mirror.”
“Pretty sure the left hand of the Marquis has more semblance than this.. He wouldn't let just anyone have him act this way.”
“Only you.. my lady, only you.” He had you melting at the sight of him.. his cheek resting against your thigh as he looked at you with crimson-dusted ears.
“Please.. Let me make it up to you.” He almost begged, peppering kisses as apologies on the inside of your thigh and then your barely covered mound. You exhaled sharply, feeling a familiar ache as his lips lingered more and more.
He looked up at the sight of you almost heaving, and his grip on the soft plush of your thighs tightened. Moving just a bit further down, he poked his tongue against your clothed cunt, and instantly felt your fingers in his hair pulling him up and away from his sweet place.
“Y/N..” He whined, leaving a trail of slow, wet kisses against your thigh— almost as if it helped him keep his sanity.
“Is this how you make it up to everyone, Channie?” You teased knowing your heart was racing madly, despite wanting to push him back where you wanted most.
He groaned softly at the nickname, rolling his hips into the mattress to give his growing bulge some sort of relief. “Only my lovely lady. Only to you..”
“Not even when you go away for months?”
“I promise you, my life and death has been written right here, beneath you. With you.” He squeezed at the soft skin of your legs again, before lifting your robe and dragging a finger through your folds. “Making sure my lady has everything she ever asks for.”
He looked up at you, and felt he could die happy right there, buried with his face between your thighs if it meant you'd look at him with lust-ridden eyes just one more time.
The next moment was a blur. Your grip on his hair easing which made him dive down once more, tasting you and burying his beautiful, beautiful nose in the place you loved— like his life depended on it.
You'd never felt such relief in your entire life before, having your nails run lovingly through his hair again. Having the one man that you ever loved and his warmth right by your side again.
His hands grabbed your hips and lifted then, making you whine at the growing knot in your lower belly. You came with a shudder, rubbing yourself against his face to ride out your orgasm.
“So sweet— my lady—”
His next words were cut off by your mouth on his, moaning when you tasted yourself on him. And then he was kissing you with the same ferocity, hands roaming everywhere, undoing the silk tie around your waist.
You bared his torso, wanting to feel his warmth against your body. And he understood it, reciprocating the need as he pulled you impossibly closer while mingling your tongues.
But then his hands were on your cunt again, two fingers sinking in that made you whimper.
“Channie!” You gasped, head falling back into the pile of pillows while his lips grazed your throat. “Need you.. inside me, please..”
“One more— just one more.” He begged, fingers pressing into the spot that he knew made you squirm. His thumb found your clit, rubbing rhythmic circles. “My sweet lady Y/N deserves that, doesn't she?”
You felt the knot again, out of breath, but still pulled him into a heated kiss, moaning against his mouth as you came.
You held his wrist there, wanting to feel full for a moment more as you came down from your high while he peppered soft kisses against your mouth.
“You do that again, I'm running away.” You warned him, and he chuckled.
“What? Making you come twice?”
You smacked his arm hard despite the wobbly feeling in your limbs, while he just laughed. “You know what I meant, Christopher.” You muttered distastefully, letting him remove his fingers despite feeling disappointingly empty.
“Let's stay at Chan, shall we?” He said against your lips, finding it hard to part from them.
“You can tease me all you want. We'll see what happens when I finally get tired of you leaving and get married to a noble.” You smiled slyly. “Preferably a Duke. I've heard Duke Felix of the North is rather charming.. Both with his face and his words.”
Chan bit his lips. “But would he come crawling back like this to my lady?” His lips pressed beneath her jaw, trying to suppress the jealousy that the image of that Duke with his Lady Y/N gave him.
“Would Lady Y/N ever love him the way she loves her Channie?”
“I mean.. if the first night after marriage is good enough..”
Chan’s mouth fell open, with a hint of amusement as well as disbelief. “Y/N!”
“Channie!” You whined playfully, using the tone that you knew would shut him up. You grabbed a pillow from your side and tossed it behind his back. You pushed him down, taking off his pants.
“Y/N..” His gaze held honey, as thick and saccharine as the love in his heart. He watched you caress his hard length before placing your warm cunt right on top of it. He let out a throaty moan.
“Never leave me like this again.” Your piercing tone was back. “Ever.” He groaned, hands finding your hips as you ground against his length.
“The Marquis might be your boss, but your lady is your first priority.” You mewled as he moved your hips against him, heading falling back with pleasure. “If not, she'll be the Duke’s—”
A wave of envy washed over him and he closed the distance to capture her lips again, biting against her lower lips hard enough to almost cut but then soothing it with his tongue.
“Always going to be me.. not him..” He lifted you a little, pumping himself a few times before lowering you onto him. Your warmth clenching around him made his head tip back with a groan. “Only me, no one else.” He panted.
“So full, Channie.” You moved slowly, rhythmically with him, and soon shivered with pleasure that made your eyes tear.
“You feel so— so good, my lady..” He grunted, his hand lowering and finding your clit again. You arched into him and hummed with satisfaction, feeling too much. “Come one more time for me?”
You nodded. “Yes— yes—” A cry broke out of you, and you hoped that he had scurried your maids out of the hallway before he'd come to your room.
You fell against his chest with a dazed smile as he held your hips in place and thrusted into you, chasing his own pleasure, driving you into the overstimulation you scowled at but secretly adored.
He fell apart to your presence— your smell, your skin against him, your nails marking his back, your tears falling on his shoulder— everything drove him mad to the point where he wanted nothing more to fuse with you and live as a part of you forever.
He should really consider going on shorter trips.
Once he pulled out of you, you laid there against the same pillows you always did, snuggling against each other through the cold that the evening brought. Your head found his chest immediately, longing for the thump of his heart against your cheek.
A beat of silence passed, and then he spoke up again. “Forgive me, Lady Y/N. I should've let you know before I left.”
“A bit too late for an apology, don't you think?” You taunted, and he smiled again, grabbing your chin pulling you into a kiss.
“Next time, I'll make sure to apologise first.” He teased back. You squinted your eyes at the implication of his words.
“So.. the Duke of North..”
He sighed with exaggeration.
“What? He really does wish to marry me. Go ask your boss.”
“What?!”
“Yes. Go on, disappear for another two months!”
“You declined?” He asked hopefully, face turning into something frail.
“Of course, I declined! I love you, you hunky fool!”
wondering why you're so nervous 'round your so-called 'friend'.
★ co-producers jihoon x reader.
★ part of buzz (seventeen's version).
★ word count: 13.8k
★ genre/warnings: romance, fluff. producer!reader. feelings realization and denial, jihoon has a crush <3, pining/yearning, first date and confessions. references to producing (that may or may not be accurate).
When you first started working with SEVENTEEN three years ago, Jihoon wasn't all that excited to have you around.
Perhaps it was his pride. BUMZU and PRISMFILTER had been the company's go-to's until they decided they wanted to bring in someone fresh, new, up-and-coming. You had been the result: Someone two years younger than Jihoon. Scrappy and hungry. Experimental, ambitious.
His hesitance at your music production has morphed from begrudging respect, to genuine appreciation, to something akin to admiration. Jihoon would never say it out loud, but you've grown to be one of his favorite producers to work with. (He doesn't have to say it, really. Everyone is already privy to Jihoon's biases.)
Now, three years in, Jihoon finds himself trying to reckon with a foreign feeling—
The flutter of his chest as you walk in to the studio. The stutter in his pulse as your fingers lightly brush over the digital audio workstation. The hitch of his breath as your head, ever so lightly, falls on to his shoulder the longer the evening drags on.
Jihoon is a 27-year-old man. As he tries to stay absolutely still, there's only one thing on his mind: Wasn't he too old to have crushes?
You could usually keep up with Jihoon when it came to these long-night sessions. One had to, considering how he was practically nocturnal at this point. But it had been a long day of minor misfortunes, the type that wear you down bit by bit.
You don't even seem to notice that your head is lolling to one side. When your cheek lands on something solid, you might think it's the back of the chair next to you— except it's Jihoon's shoulder, and he absolutely freezes underneath you.
He would be the first to admit that this isn't the first time you've ever been this close. There's been many times your bodies have gravitated to the same spot on the couch, or times when your heads are practically glued to one another while your hands are both at the keyboard, or during the times your feet accidentally meet with each other under the desk.
It's just never been this close, where Jihoon can feel the brush of each of your lashes against his neck every time your eyes fall shut.
He think he might pass out if he dwells too much on it.
He watches from his peripheral vision as your eyes flutter shut, and he thinks, for a moment, that you're out of commission. But then, you mumble, "The reverb on the snare, just now."
If you hadn't been right next to Jihoon's ear, your words might have been drowned out by the speakers. But, as it is, he hears you loud and clear. "Too heavy," you go on to say, without even opening your eyes. "We need to dial it back for a cleaner sound."
There it is, he thinks with both awe and bitterness. Even half-lucid, even half-asleep, you're still as brilliant as you've ever been.
"Mhm," he hums lowly. "I'll adjust it."
He does as you've asked. When he runs the track back, you let out a soft sound of contentment and shift slightly in your seat, blissfully unaware of how you're leaning more weight in to Jihoon's side. It's absolute torture, he thinks.
"Better," you mutter. A beat. Your drowsy inquiry comes in next. "How do you feel about the tempo in the bridge?"
He forces himself to pay attention. He runs the song back once more, this time paying particular attention to the bridge. It doesn't take him long to identify the issue— one of the main ones, anyway.
"A little too dragging," he replies. "It slows the track down a bit too much. I think it disrupts the flow. Makes the chorus—" He suddenly stops mid-sentence.
Because, for some reason, he's become acutely aware of the way your head fits perfectly into the crook of his shoulder.
He's now fully conscious of how close you are. Of the way your breath fans against his neck. Of the way your knee seems to bump against his whenever you unconsciously readjust your position.
Jihoon feels his pulse pound at his chest as he tries to keep his tone steady.
"It disrupts the flow," he repeats, his voice slightly gruff. "Makes the chorus less of a… high, for lack of word."
When your initial response is a thoughtful hum, he bites back the urge to smirk. It should come to no surprise that you're about to disagree with him. More often than not, you butted heads over minor things like this.
"Thought it was too fast," you grumble, somehow sounding a little sulky because of your drowsy state. You're usually a lot more adamant and fiery when it comes to asserting your opinions. But in the late— or early, since it's already past midnight— hour, you've tamped down my temper.
It does absolutely nothing for Jihoon's poor heart.
Your cheek nuzzles against Jihoon's sweater as you shake your head in a very that won't do manner. "The lyrics might suffer. Try slowing it down by 8 BPM so we have more space for vocal delivery."
8 BPM? Jihoon nearly chokes on an incredulous laugh. The number is so arbitrary, so out of pocket. "The tempo's already sitting at 139 right now," he bites out. "It's not like slowing it down by another 8 BPM is going to—"
Jihoon makes the mistake of glancing down at you, and damn it. You're not just leaning against his shoulder at this point.
You've practically cuddled into him.
Jihoon's breath catches in his throat as you shift once more, leaning your chin against his shoulder.
He finds himself wanting to wrap an arm around you and pull you closer. Press you into his chest until your cheek is up against his. Until your head is tucked right under his chin.
But then you're grumbling out your next words. "139?" you repeat. "Notch it down by 9, then."
The slur in your tone is just enough to remind him that you're not entirely coherent. He swallows hard, his fingers a little too gentle as he inputs the changes. 9 BPM it is.
It's a bad call, one that's made abundantly clear when Jihoon plays the track back. He doesn't even have to tell you; you're already groaning, pressing your face in to his shoulder. Your words are muffled against the soft material of his sweater.
"You were right. Should have amped it up instead of slowing it down," you mutter, though there's a distracted edge to your tone. He gives it a cursory couple of seconds, letting you gather your thoughts.
"There's an issue with the kick and the bass, isn't there?" you note.
He listens closely— and, as always, you're right. There's a dissonance between the kick and the bass.
Jihoon frowns, a little more focused now. "Yeah, I hear it too," he manages to say succinctly.
His brain is still trying to conjure up a solution when you let out a slight huff and finally peel away from Jihoon's side. He doesn't know if he's grateful or disappointed because of it.
You're bleary-eyed and your fingers fumble but your work is efficient as you click away at his mouse, at his digital audio workstation. He watches with a straight face as you add sidechain compression to the bass, as you drag the bridge's BPM up.
It's not just the music that's synced, but the way the two of you work as well. A little push, a little pull, and you manage to find balance. You know exactly what to do, even when you're tired.
Jihoon listens closely as soon as the bridge plays back and he's pleasantly surprised.
"That fixed it," he says, his eyes darting rapidly as he takes in the revised audio levels. "Yeah, I think it's good. We should move on to verse three now."
"Jihoon."
He blinks and glances over at you. You've slumped back heavily in to your chair; it spins slightly on its wheels when you do.
"I'm not going to make it through another verse," you warn. "I think I need, like, a power nap."
"Power nap?"
Despite Jihoon's best efforts, a corner of his mouth twitches. A glance at the clock tells Jihoon that it's past one in the morning. They'd been working on the track for a solid eight hours now.
He lets out a low, considering hum, before looking back at you with a slight frown.
"How long is this power nap supposed to last?" he asks dubiously.
"I only need fifteen minutes," you respond.
There's a decisiveness to you tone, one that brokers no argument even if you're rolling your shoulders from sheer exhaustion.
"You're too stubborn for your own good," he replies, though not unkindly.
He rolls the chair back, moving so that he's facing you fully. One leg is crossed over the other, his eyes studying you carefully. He's going to attempt to convince you, obviously.
"You need a good night's rest. You won't be any use at all when you're this tired," Jihoon insists, but he immediately regrets his choice of words when he sees you wince slightly.
You're no stranger to his bluntness; you know just as well that he can be both brutally honest and painfully inconsiderate. That he shows his care and concern in much more roundabout ways compared to others.
And so when you insist that you'll be good as new in fifteen minutes, he can only sigh, leaning forward to rest his forearms against his knees.
"And if you're still tired after fifteen minutes?" he counters. His tone is gentler, softer, this time.
"I'll go home," you grumble, like the thought physically pains you. "If I'm still out of it after my nap, I'll go home."
Jihoon feels some of the tension in his shoulders abate as you finally agree to a compromise. "Fifteen minutes," he reiterates firmly, holding up a single finger for emphasis. "And if you're not ready to work again by the end of it, I'm driving you home."
You open your mouth, almost like you're about to argue at the thought of Jihoon driving you home, but then you opt to purse your lips. You know how the two of you can go in absolute circles some days and so you merely shoot him a heatless glare before stalking over to his studio's couch.
It's not really the type that should be slept on. With its stiff, black leather, the couch is an awful makeshift bed for anyone. But you and Jihoon have figure out little workarounds after spending so much time working together— like the fluffy, folded comforter at the foot of the sofa and the throw pillow that's shaped like an onigiri.
Jihoon watches with a small smile as you curl up on the sofa, underneath the blanket and with the pillow. "G'night," you call out mid-yawn. "See you in fifteen."
He watches you for a beat longer, his eyes tracing the way your expression relaxes, just a little, as your head hits the pillow. After a moment, he manages to tear his gaze away. He really had to work on his habit of staring.
"Yeah," he huffs as he tries to go get a head start on the third verse. "Night."
It's difficult because he can't help but steal glances, and every single time he does, he's struck by a wave of affection. You're so small, so fragile-looking, burrowed in to the sofa. He notes the way the pillow's slightly squished underneath your head, your face half-buried in the plush material…
He almost feels the urge to take a picture just to capture the scene.
And then he realizes: Why not? You're friends, aren't you? And friends take embarrassing photos of each other.
He picks his phone up from his pocket with one hand and angles the camera with the other. He knows just what he wants to take a picture of. The way your cheek is squished against the rice ball pillow, just barely visible underneath the edge of your tangled mess of blankets. The way your expression is relaxed, softened in sleep, with the slightest pucker to your lips.
He presses down on the snap button, and the shot is just perfect. The way the glow of the monitor catches in your hair, bringing out the natural color. The way your eyelashes fan out over your cheek, and the way the shadows highlight the sharpness of your features.
Jihoon's eyes linger on the image, something akin to longing twisting in his gut.
This time, he doesn't bother to push the feeling away. He does go back to work, though.
Fifteen minutes pass. And then twenty, thirty. The longer you sleep, the more Jihoon's guilt gnaws at him.
He knows he's about to wake you up, to ruin the temporary blissfulness that sleep has brought you. He knows he's about to drag you back to the studio to work again, despite the bags that are under your eyes and the exhaustion that is evident in every line of your body.
He knows he's going to be the cause of your fatigue. And he hates that— hates himself, just a little, for his need, his drive.
Still. At the thirty-minute mark, he makes his way over to your side. He reaches out, fingers hesitating for a second, before he gently shakes your shoulder.
"Hey," he calls, his tone soft and neutral. "Wake up. We need more work done."
It's very likely that the unceremonious way you've been dragged out of your sleep has gotten to you, because how else can Jihoon explain the way you drowsily move to hold him?
Your fingers reach up and curl gently around his wrist. Your eyes are still closed as you exhale, "Jihoon-ah."
It's more of a whine than anything, really, but it's one that he can't deny, not when you clutch his wrist like that. "What," he asks, his tone flat out of panic. "What is it?"
It's surreal, in a way. The way your tiredness has loosened your inhibitions, has stripped you down to the simplest, most vulnerable version of yourself, one that's practically begging for closeness.
You give his hand a gentle tug. "Come nap with me. Y'need to rest, too."
Jihoon's mind goes blank the moment the words leave your mouth, his whole body freezing. Because no, he didn't just hear that, you didn't just ask that—
And then you tug on his wrist again, and he swears his heart stutters.
On one hand, the rational, reasonable part of his mind is screaming at him to push you away, to reject the idea entirely. He needs to focus. He needs to finish the track. He needs to work, not rest.
But then he looks down at your sleepy form, the way you're clinging on to him, and all those thoughts are thrown out the window.
Slowly, Jihoon lowers himself onto the couch, his body sinking against the plush material. It's a tight squeeze. Months ago, the two of you might have called each other ridiculous for even trying to fit in a piece of furniture that was clearly not for two people to lay on.
The thick of comeback season absolutely shatters any attempts of appropriateness or discretion. As Jihoon complies with your absurd request, you somehow manage to throw the blanket over the two of you.
Jihoon isn't a stranger to casual touches— he's had to survive through years of constant skinship between the members— but there was something different about this.
The feeling of your body, curled against his own. The way you hold his fingers in your grip, like a comfort, like an anchor. The scent of your hair, so close he could just nuzzle his face into the messy strands.
He tries very hard to focus on the negatives. On how cramped and uncomfortable the couch is, how he's going to end up with a backache—
— but his mind doesn't want to cooperate. Because all he can see is you, all he can feel is you; the way your soft, warm body is pressed against his own, the gentle rise-and-fall of your chest against his, you, you, you.
His mind goes blissfully vacant, and before he can even think to stop himself, Jihoon is wrapping his free arm around your waist, drawing you in.
Jihoon doesn't mind the sudden increase in body heat that comes with having you pressed so close to him, not when your back is solid and warm against his chest, not when the curve of your hips slots so smoothly against the shape of him.
He lets out a shuddering breath as you press his palm against your stomach, the fabric of your shirt slightly rucked up by the motion. You're so soft.
For once, Jihoon finds himself hating everything else— the studio, the album, the uncomfortable sofa, this damn comeback for robbing him of an opportunity to simply hold you.
Jihoon swallows, his throat suddenly dry as the words slip past his mouth before he can even stop himself.
"You're too close," he mutters in your ear, his lips so close to the shell that he's half-convinced you were going to feel his words against your skin. He's being a hypocrite, really, since he's the one holding you, but he needs to maintain some sense of propriety.
"Mmm," you hum, still more asleep than awake. You exhale an apology as you try to sleepily shift away, mumbling something like "didn't notice" in your languid effort to disentangle.
Your movement has to be the most half-hearted attempt at putting space between the two of you. So Jihoon tightens his grip, his fingers curling over your hip to keep you from shifting away.
He doesn't want you to move, not even an inch— and it's greedy of him, really— but the thought of losing the heat from your body is more than he can bear, not when you're here and you're so close.
His hold is firm, almost demanding. As you settle back down, Jihoon buries his face against the back of your hair, his mind going blissfully quiet.
"Dunno why y're so cozy," Jihoon murmurs, his words slightly slurred with the exhaustion that's catching up on him now, too.
He tries not to think too hard about it, the intimacy of it all. He tries not to focus on how he's practically molding his body against yours.
Just a nap, he thinks. It's just a nap.
Your voice is so soft, so quiet, nearly lost against the sound of Jihoon's thrumming pulse in his ears. He catches it anyway. Your quiet murmur of "G'night, Jihoon-ah."
He feels strangely light-headed. It's hard to focus, hard to think, his thoughts fuzzy around the edges as he slowly starts to succumb to drowsiness.
Jihoon lets his lids flutter shut, his mind sinking into darkness. "Sweet dreams," he mumbles back.
In the end, Jihoon is the one who has sweet dreams.
They're fractures of a bigger picture, pieces to a puzzle he could never piece together.
He sees your tired smile, hears your soft laugh, feels the brush of your hair against his chin. He sees you in flashes, in glimpses, always out of reach. Never close enough.
They're so vivid, these dreams— so real— that Jihoon swears he can almost feel you, can almost hold you. When he reaches out for you, for the dream version of you, it feels like he's grasping at air.
There are hints of other things— flashes of studio lights, melodies and songs that drift in snippets. But they all fade to the background in the face of you, the way you shine in his dreamscape like a sunbeam.
Seungcheol is the one who finds Jihoon and you the next morning— or, rather, the next early afternoon.
He's not surprised to hear that Jihoon didn't come home to the dorm. He's not surprised to find Jihoon asleep in his studio. He is surprised to find Jihoon spooning you— his co-producer, the one they all thought he was a little too soft towards.
Seungcheol's eyebrows raise to his hairline. Jihoon was never the affectionate type. And yet here he was, curled around you like a parentheses. Seungcheol takes a quick picture on his phone before gently nudging Jihoon with his foot.
"Yah," the leader says, his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants; his tone, a little too-amused. "Jihoon."
It takes a few nudges for the words to register, for Jihoon's sleeping mind to slowly come back to the world of the living.
He feels… groggy. Exhausted. And strangely warm.
After several long moments, reality catches up with him. As his sleep-addled mind slowly pieces everything together, Jihoon's eyes flutter open and it takes all of two seconds for him to process the fact that he's spooning you.
Jihoon's eyes widen, and his head snaps up to a grinning Seungcheol.
"This isn't what it looks like," Jihoon says immediately, his words tumbling out of his mouth in a rush.
He almost screams when he tries to move away, when he tries to untangle himself from you, and your soft, sleepy whine sounds more like a protest than anything.
He should've let you go. He should've, but when you make that noise, when you curl in closer to him, the part of Jihoon's brain that's awake shuts down entirely.
Jihoon freezes and tries desperately to ignore the way Seungcheol snickers.
Seungcheol keeps his hands in his pockets as he watches Jihoon with growing amusement. Put-together, frumpy Jihoon, stunned in to silence because his co-producer is latched on to him.
It is, as Jihoon had said, very much not what it looked like. Seungcheol can see that the two of you are still fully clothed. Hell, he wouldn't have even imagined Jihoon going that far when the boy barely thought of romance that way.
Still, it's just a little funny. "Long night?" the leader drawls, not even trying to conceal his sheer mirth at the situation.
Long night is a huge understatement, and Jihoon shoots Seungcheol an acerbic look that's not nearly as effective as it normally might be. Not when he's still trying to detangle himself from you without waking you up.
"You have no idea," he grumbles under his breath, his eyes flickering down to your exhausted expression as you cling to him.
He can feel the way his heart stutters at your closeness, the way his chest tightens. Not the time, he scolds himself.
"We were working on the album," Jihoon says, as if that explains everything.
He's given up on trying to move, because he knows that if he keeps trying, you're going to stir— and the last thing Jihoon needs is an awake you, all warm and soft and adorably disheveled.
"Can you... leave?" he croaks to Seungcheol. Jihoon's cheeks are tinged with a furious red color; he prays to any deity that Seungcheol will simply chalk it up to shame. "I'll give you details later, just..."
Jihoon shifts minutely, and a muted noise of protest escapes from you. He shuts his eyes and sends a silent plea at the ceiling of Please, God, not now.
Seungcheol, for his part, lets out an amused huff, the corners of his mouth twitching. "Alright, alright," the leader says, holding his hands up to show he's conceding. "I'll leave. I'll talk to you later."
He grins. "And try not to have too much fun, yeah?"
The smirk only widens when he sees the flush on Jihoon's face. The leader saunters out of the studio, the door clicking shut behind him.
And Jihoon is... well... left with you.
Silence descends, and it's deafening.
Jihoon can feel each and every beat of his own heart, can hear your slow, soft breath coming out in steady, even exhales. You're asleep— still clinging on to him, your body pressed firmly against his own— and Jihoon tries not to focus on the feeling, tries not to think about how you're so soft, so warm.
He should move, he thinks. He should untangle from you, put at least two feet of space between you, and yet.
Jihoon can't, not when you look so peaceful against him. Not when you're making little noises every now and then, the soft, low sounds coming from somewhere in your throat.
It's a special kind of torture, having you so close when he knows he can't do a single thing about it. Just a taste, an inkling of closeness— and now he's hooked, wanting for more.
He knows it's selfish, what he's doing. To have his arm wrapped around you, holding you tighter than he should. To relish in your warmth as you sleep— but Jihoon can't help it, not when he knows this might be the only way he could ever get to hold you.
He knows you're not his. You can't be his, for several reasons.
But for this brief, quiet moment in time, you feel like you could be.
There's no way of telling how much longer you stay there. To Jihoon, it feels like an eternity and then some; in reality, it's probably only a couple more minutes. You shift in your sleep, letting out a big yawn. Jihoon tries to not flinch when you stir.
For one ridiculous moment, he considers closing his eyes and pretending to sleep, so he can have a few more seconds, a few minutes longer with you in his arms. But then you're moving again, and Jihoon can feel his heart in his throat as you blink, shifting to look up at him.
"Huh," is the first thing you say as you squint up at him. "Hi."
"Hey," is his lame response, his tone oddly, uncharacteristically soft. He swallows when he catches the way your eyes flicker all over his face, as if drinking him in.
There's a lot to take in, he's sure. His arm is still around your waist and your leg is slotted between his. The blankets are a mess; the noonday sun, peeking through the studio's heavy curtains.
As your mind finally seems to catch up, you let out a groan. "S'rry," you slur, voice still thick with sleep. "We overslept. I'm a bit clingy when 'm tired."
Yeah, right. Clingy is not a strong enough word for what you had become in your sleep.
Jihoon tries to ignore the feeling of your legs tangled together, the way you're practically molding against him. He tries to tamp down the way his breath hitches, to ignore the way his heart skips a beat when you let out a sleep-filled groan.
"You were hanging on to me for your life," he remarks in a tone that is far more amused than exasperated.
"Yeah, I figured," you say wryly, glancing over at the clock to see the damage. Jihoon's eyes follow your gaze. Two in the afternoon. Your shared 'nap' had lasted a full twelve hours.
"Wow," you huff. "We were out for a while."
"That we were," Jihoon agrees, and he's more than a little reluctant when he lets you go, unravelling his own limbs from yours. The space between your bodies feels like a physical blow, but Jihoon tries not to seem too put off by it.
He sits up, running a hand through his hair. "I haven't slept that long since I was a trainee."
"That's unhealthy."
"Pot calling the kettle black."
There's a calculated casualness in your next words. "Did you at least sleep well?"
The slight concern undercutting your tone makes Jihoon rather light-headed. "I slept like the dead," Jihoon answers easily, and he doesn't even have to lie about that.
His rest had been more peaceful than it had been in years, and if he's truthful, he'd blame it all on the fact that you were wrapped so firmly around him, all soft skin and sleepy warmth. You'd fit so perfectly with him and Jihoon is fairly sure he's never going to get the sensation of you pressed against him out of his mind.
A corner of your lip twitches upward. "Don't say that," you tease as you stretch your arms over your head. "Because we may actually be dead soon enough."
There's still an album to finish. A couple more tracks due in mere days. But Jihoon's suddenly feeling much better in a way that he hasn't in a while.
Even the ever-present stress and exhaustion feels almost like an afterthought, like it's barely even there. In the midst of it all, there's only you, still mussed from sleep.
It helps that you're taking the little cuddle session with surprising grace. "Wanna order in breakfast? Lunch?" you inquire, like you can't quite decide what to call your first meal of the day when it was well in the afternoon.
"Breakfast-slash-lunch sounds good to me," he answers, a hint of a smile visible in the curve of his mouth.
You order Chinese food. Something proper and real, a break from the convenience store rice balls and energy drinks. In the time it takes for the takeout to come, you and Jihoon speed through the song that had been plaguing you both last night. It seemed that being well-rested did you both well.
When the food comes, you go to collect it. In your absence, Jihoon finally checks his phone.
Suddenly, the studio feels ice cold, because he has seventy-something unread messages from his group chat with the boys.
He clicks the little arrow that takes him back to the first unread message, and surprise, surprise— it's from Seungcheol. The stolen snap of Jihoon and you cuddled together glares up at the producer, paired with the world's most annoying message.
🍒: Our Woozi-yah's a big boy now. ㅋㅋㅋ
The messages don't stop there, because Seungcheol had essentially given the others the green light to blow his phone up.
Jihoon scrolls through them, his expression growing more and more irritated as he reads through the suggestive and ridiculous messages the boys have chosen to send.
⚔️: Jihoon-ah~ Who knew you had it in you~
🐈⬛: finally!
🦦: LET'S FUCKING GOOOO
Jeonghan, as per usual, is the worst offender of them all. Jihoon is just about to try and get a word in when a new, rapidfire sequence of texts pop up, the second eldest member clearly having entirely too much fun with this.
👼: So cozy, our Jihoon-ie! So cozy ♡ ♡ ♡
👼: Finally, our Jihoon found himself a pretty girl
👼: We didn't know you were such a cuddler~~~
Jihoon's fingers are itching to reply something back, but it's hard to even make sense of the messages; they're coming in so fast. Every time he tries to type something back, another notification pops up with more texts, so he's forced to sit and watch as the members tease him relentlessly.
But then—
🐱: Cough up @Joshua @Vernon
🐢: dammit. couldn't have waited four months, woozi hyung? -_-
🦌: I didn't lose as much, so it's okay~
🐯: WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER
The other boys all chime in with their own odds, and Jihoon realizes with horror that his bandmates had bet on him.
The horror quickly morphs into disbelief mingled with irritation.
So they'd bet on him? And on what exactly? That he wouldn't fall for a girl over the course of three years working together?
He doesn't even look at the odds before he types an aggravated reply.
🍚: You guys bet on me???
No one even tries to deny it. Soonyoung, the menace that he is, is the first to respond.
🐯: Not all of us ఇ ◝‿◜ ఇ
🐈⬛: and it's just if you'd get with your fav producer. lol
It occurs to Jihoon, then and there, that the boys presume him and you are dating. It's a misconception he has to amend before any of the twelve can make some wisecrack about it in front of you.
🍚: We're not dating.
Jihoon doesn't bother to hide his irritability.
🍚: We were just napping together.
It's not the last of it, as it turns out.
More texts flood in after his message, and while there aren't as many jokes as before, it's easy to tell that the members are just dying to tease him about this whole thing.
When you return to the studio bearing your takeout, you're greeted with Jihoon typing furiously away at his phone, a disgruntled sort of look on his face. "You alright over there?" you call out amusedly as you pad over to the studio couch.
"Yes, and no," Jihoon answers shortly, a hint of petulance to his tone. If he looks up at you, it's only for a moment.
For someone who tends to be stoic and brooding, he's not exactly having the best morning right now. Jihoon is more than a little annoyed from the relentless teasing, and while he tries to fight it, there's a lingering feeling of humiliation, too.
A part of him wonders if this is what he deserves— for having had that moment with you this morning.
"Well, whatever it is—" you give a dismissive wave of your hand before plopping down on the couch.
He almost smiles at that; you've known each other for an odd number of years. It was enough time to be fairly acquainted with each other's habits and mannerisms, to know when something was worth pressing in to or not.
"Come on," you urge him. "The faster we eat, the sooner we can finish."
"Okay, yes, I'm coming," Jihoon answers hurriedly, and he makes a hasty beeline for the coffee table, where your takeout boxes are set out neatly.
He gives the group chat a final glance, just to make sure they're not texting anything too embarrassing. The more he scrolls the more he's bombarded with messages about you, and you would have thought the group chat was dedicated entirely to you, considering the number of texts.
He groans and locks his phone, turning it face down on the table as he takes his seat.
"Here," you say as you gently place Jihoon's order in front of him. Chao fan with a side of sweet and sour pork; a can of cola.
The way you seem to automatically know all the things he orders, the way you know what the right order to pick for him is, it almost gives Jihoon the sense that you've been working with him for even longer than three years.
He's not sure what to make of it, but it feels strangely nice, somehow, knowing that there's always something or the other that you would already know. He takes a bite out of his meal, wondering when it was that this relationship of his with you had become so comfortable.
It's an odd sensation, really.
Jihoon had always been more than content to keep to himself. But there's no denying that he feels a certain kind of peaceful contentedness when he's with you.
Perhaps it's how the two of you work so seamlessly together. Perhaps it's how you somehow managed to get under his skin. There's a certain comfort that Jihoon isn't used to having that's settled around the two of you.
And it's the kind of comfort that might make him vulnerable.
He can't have that, so he privately decides to keep you at a distance.
It's a distance you reciprocate. Both Jihoon and you know better than to tread the careful line of your friendship, especially in your line of work.
The two of you work like a well-oiled machine, like a lit match being tossed in a haystack. Jihoon and you are relentless, as always, and you finish off the rest of the mini-album in the next three hours.
There's still fine-tuning to hurdle through, but as Jihoon and you replay the last track for the first time, he has to concede. The worst is over.
You slump forward in your chair, your forehead resting against the work desk of his studio. "Done," you breathe. After a moment, you add, "For now."
"For now," Jihoon echoes.
There's a long pause between the two of you as you both relish the peace and quiet of a fully completed mini-album.
"Let's go for coffee?" he finally asks, glancing to where you're slumped in your chair.
You tilt your head ever so slightly until your cheek is pressed against the desk and you're looking up at Jihoon. You smile ruefully as you speak, your tone almost apologetic. "No to coffee. I think I want to go home and knock out for twelve hours."
You go on, "You should do the same. We've been in this studio for…" You pause like you're doing the mental math, and then a disbelieving laugh slides past your lips. "About thirty-three hours, Jihoon-ah."
Thirty-three hours is almost incomprehensible. Jihoon isn't even surprised, because of course, that's the kind of work ethic you've come to expect from an idol— but, thirty-three hours?
Jihoon's head is spinning. There's a strange, odd kind of haze settling around him, almost like he's caught between a dream and consciousness. He's tired, yes, he's more than tired, but Jihoon knows that he doesn't really need to go home to sleep.
Except he can't say no, not when your words are coming with all the weight of a command, not when you're looking at him like he's some helpless, pitiful wreck, needing some sort of care. He hates it.
He hates that you see him.
"Okay, okay," Jihoon says in a rush, standing from his chair. "I'll go home."
He's always known that any work done with you ends with him doing exactly as you say. You might have never said the words to his face before, but Jihoon isn't an idiot.
He's wrapped around your goddamn finger some days.
The thought that he's now more than willing to do whatever you want from him has never occurred to him before now, and it leaves him feeling slightly shaken, slightly unsure of everything.
It takes you both about ten minutes or so to get everything in order, then another seven minutes to head out of the company building. The relief Jihoon feels as you finally find yourselves outside is immense, even if it is a chilly, early winter evening.
You glance at your wristwatch before distractedly asking him, "You'll be okay behind the wheel?"
"'Course," he says as he fishes for his keys. For a moment, he contemplates asking if you want a ride home. It'd be out of his way, but it's something he's almost willing to bear.
Almost.
Instead, he forces himself to say, "See you. Take care."
You give the same pleasantries back before beginning your trek to the train station. Jihoon, for his part, finds his car in his designated parking space.
The drive home is the most boring and uneventful thing ever— except when Jihoon looks in his rearview mirror. The sight of you disappearing into the distance makes him feel strangely hollow and a bit wistful.
His stomach gives a weird, twisting lurch, and he's tempted to make a U turn right there and then and find a reason to be back in his company.
Maybe he'll tell you just how alone he can sometimes feel after an album is completed. How there's always this sort of lull in the days, hours after his work; how he fights it off by doing more work, even if it's not all that necessary.
He wants to ask if you ever feel the same way, too.
But you had never really been a part of that loneliness, and now you were leaving. And— just for the night— Jihoon can't help but feel more lonely than ever.
He doesn't want to be lonely.
He wants to be left alone, in a company of his own thoughts, with nothing and no one to distract him. But, for some odd reason, he wants you around.
It's almost too much to bear, so Jihoon turns the radio on louder and lets the sounds of music drown out the patter of his ragged heartbeat.
Jihoon and you are forced to reconvene a couple of days later, albeit on circumstances that neither of you are particularly fond of.
Sungsoo, the company's CEO and executive producer, is already seated at the head of the table when you walk in. Jihoon sees the way your eyes scan the meeting room; he tries not think too much of the way the tension in your shoulders seem to ease when you spot him.
The sight of you makes Jihoon's heart do a little dance, which makes him want to both pull you close and run far, far away from you.
For now, he just gives you a nod of acknowledgement and shifts his eyes back to the older man sitting across the meeting table from the both of them.
You sit across from Jihoon. Sungsoo doesn't even bother to sit; he merely launches straight in to his agenda.
"Good work on SEVENTEENTH HEAVEN," Sungsoo says right off the bat. Jihoon knows it's more of a cursory greeting than anything; there was always going to be more than just a pleasant compliment.
The other shoe drops soon enough. "I think there's more work to be done, though, specifically on three tracks," the CEO presses on.
Three tracks.
Jihoon feels his jaw clamp tightly. He's been through these kinds of corrections before, of course, both from himself and the company. Sungsoo says things about the lyrics of Back 2 Back, and the organization of Yawn, and the chorus of Diamond Days.
And while Jihoon has been through this, has needed to take things apart or put stuff together to appease the higher-ups, it's never any easier. His hands are clasped tight, and he's trying his best to hold himself together, but on the inside, he wants to scream.
This is a part of him. These are all parts of him, big and small, and it's always just a bit of a jab— to have his heart put in someone else's hand, and then to watch that heart be poked and prodded for the sake of... what? Commercial gain?
At one point, Sungsoo pauses to look between Jihoon and you. "Are you not going to take notes?" the older man asks.
You respond before Jihoon can. "Rewrite the second half of Back 2 Back, tweak the instrumentation balance and structure of Yawn, adjust the rhythm for Diamond Days' chorus," you rattle off. "I— we got it, sir."
"Right. Good," he says, and Jihoon doesn't like the condescending tone that Sungsoo uses with you, but at least it's not aimed at him.
The older man sits back in his chair, and Jihoon lets his eyes drift away from the company boss just for a moment to look at you. A strange feeling fills him. He wants to name it appreciation, wants to claim it's nothing more than a little admiration.
But then he'd be lying to himself. Because that warm kind of feeling shifts into— just a little— something a bit more than what he's supposed to be feeling for a co-producer.
Before he could dwell on this thought any longer, Sungsoo clears his throat and Jihoon quickly tunes back in. He's not thinking about that right now, and that's final.
The meeting wraps up not too long after with some parting reminders on deadlines and the upcoming comeback. Jihoon can tell by the look on your face that you're a bit dazed, and Sungsoo's parting words only add gasoline to the fire.
The CEO says both your names as he readies to dismiss you. "The two of you are a good pair," he notes, and Jihoon almost short-circuits.
Pair.
Right. A good pair of co-producers. Not anything else, not anything more.
Both of you mumble your appreciation for the CEO's remark. And Jihoon, like the fool that he is, feels that warm, fuzzy glow bloom again. He doesn't care what it signifies; at the moment, he's just too happy to work with you again.
By the time you head back to his studio, there's not much that either of you can really say. Marathon edits were not new to either of you; you both slide in to work mode without much preamble.
The music starts playing and the edits start pouring in, and the five or six hours spent on the three tracks fly by without Jihoon even noticing it. It gets to the point where he's working on autopilot— one hand on the mouse, fingers flying across the keyboard.
The thing about working on autopilot was that it made the process quicker but left little room to feel or think, which was both a blessing and a curse.
At the six-hour mark, he finally deigns to glance at you. Your gaze is focused on the digital audio workstation as you cut some low frequencies from the guitar on Diamond Days, but there's a slight quiver in your hands as you do it.
While Jihoon doesn't see what you're having trouble with, he can sense that you're off. He knows the signs of stress and exhaustion better than most, what with the hours he puts in.
"Aigo," he calls out to you, and his voice is a little raspy— hoarse— because he's been humming and singing for the better half of the evening. "Are you okay?"
"Still in the green," you say wryly. You had a bit of a traffic light system to refer to when talking about how far gone either of you were.
He watches intently as you implement the changes to Diamond Days, as you give a disapproving shake of your head at the revision. Still not to your standard.
Of course you wouldn't be at the red light stage— not even close, he muses. But in Jihoon's head, there was already one foot on the red light spectrum— and it wasn't just because of the revisions.
"Let's take a break," he suggests.
The idea comes out of absolutely nowhere, even for him. A break—? When was the last time he had voluntarily done that?
Jihoon's been having more questions than answers lately, but he just chalks it all up to being stressed. And maybe a little tired.
Anything except what it really is.
This time, you actually do glance up from the workstation. There's mild surprise on your expression as you tease, "Yah, who are you and what have you done to the indomitable WOOZI?"
"Huh?" he deflects. For a brief moment, he almost feels a little shy around you.
"I'm just bored," he explains, and he's surprised that he can lie so well and sound so casual. "You don't need to come if you don't want to. I just wanted to get some air."
But of course you're coming, already pushing back against the table at the rare invite from Jihoon. "The usual?" you prompt.
To others, a 'usual' might have indicated a trip to the cafeteria, a smoke break on the sidewalk. But Jihoon and you both hated the company's food and neither of you smoked, and so your breaks were spent somewhere a little more unorthodox.
"The usual," he agrees.
He leads you across the company building, the walk to your destination full of comfortable silence. Eventually, you make it to your designated break place: The company's rooftop.
Jihoon takes his usual seat at the far end while you sit closer to the ledge. The atmosphere is thick and humid from the weather, but there's a breeze to keep the heat bearable.
When Jihoon said he wanted to get some air, he meant it quite literally.
He doesn't want to give away his real intentions on calling for the break. Still, he can't help the question that slides out of him as he watches the glittering lights of Seoul beneath the two of you.
"Are you feeling better now?" he asks, glancing at you.
"I am," you answer quietly, your gaze still fixed on the city. "Thanks, Jihoon-ah. I needed this."
He almost smiles. "Of course."
This was the first time since he's met you that he'd asked you to do something just because he thought you needed it. And it isn't long until that fact has Jihoon wondering why the heck he's been putting things off so much lately.
He doesn't get to mull over his thoughts for long though— not when there's a sudden urge to do another thing that he realizes he hasn't ever done.
He takes out his phone and opens up the camera app. "Yah," he calls. "Look here for a second."
You do as he asks, glancing over your shoulder, and the soft click of his phone breaks through the white noise of the city below. When you let out a surprised laugh, he thinks it's the second best thing he's ever heard. Only after music.
"What are you doing?" you chide, a bit of a giggle in your tone as you raise your hand— palm facing Jihoon— to your face, as if trying to shy away from the camera.
"I don't know," he admits. A laugh tumbles out of him, and he knows he's blushing— but he's not ashamed of it this time, not really.
"It doesn't have to mean anything," he assures you. He holds in a chuckle at the way you're blocking your face and snaps another picture.
Maybe he's delirious from all his work. That has to be it, he thinks, as he clicks away despite your sputtered protests.
"Alright, fine," you huff, feigning annoyance. And then— oh.
You brace your hands against the ledge and tilt your head to one side so you can flash Jihoon an easy, practiced grin. "Cheese," you sing-song.
It takes quite a lot of willpower for Jihoon not to just sit and stare, that strange feeling welling inside of him coming to fore. He's not proud of it, but it's there, and the fact that there's something about you that makes him feel this way makes everything a little bit more complicated.
"Cheese," he agrees, taking just one more picture of you.
He knows he's smiling too hard, his eyes turning in to crescents with just how damn fond he feels to be snapping photos at your side.
You can never tell from the expression on his face, but he's wrecked with the knowledge that he had just done three things he had never done before:
He's asked you to do something solely because he thought you needed it.
He's taken a picture of you (with your knowledge, this time).
And he's let this thing he has for you be so in control of him.
It's a damning thing, he muses as he tucks his phone away. What would happen next was up to the universe.
Admittedly, it almost all felt like a test, and Jihoon is terrified he had failed.
But then you reach out, your hand casually resting atop of Jihoon's. You don't clasp your hands together or intertwine your fingers. You merely keep it there as you cast your gaze back down at the city, like you're giving Jihoon a chance to pull away.
It's almost instinctual, how he turns his hand over and links his fingers together with yours. His fingers are longer, so your fingertips curl over his and you’re left holding his hand for the first time.
You don't say a thing about it. Jihoon tries to rationalize the action on your behalf. Maybe you're just delirious and tired, too. Maybe it's cold and you need something to hold on to. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
All the while, his heart thumps in his chest.
Did he even deserve this? Was this okay?
Would it be okay if he just sat there, looking down onto the city, holding your hand and nothing more?
His brain refrains the earlier remark he'd given you. It doesn't have to mean anything. It's just a hand in his, a quiet evening, a moment that will eventually pass.
It doesn't have to mean anything, but why does Jihoon want it to?
Back in the studio, neither of you say a word. Not about the photos of you that Jihoon now has in his phone; not about the way you initiated holding his hand. Not about how the two of you held on for just a bit too long before heading back from your break.
The two of you do what you do best: You throw ourselves in to the last of your work.
It takes you two a record of fifteen minutes to fix what had been wrong with Diamond Days, and then some twenty more minutes to make sure the three other tracks are alright. Jihoon does the honors of sending them over to Sungsoo for some final checks.
Once the email goes through, you lean back in to the couch of Jihoon's studio. "And now we wait," you exhale, sounding equally exhausted and elated.
With your work for the day done, it feels like whatever veil of formality had held the mini-album together is broken— and you're now just two people in Jihoon's workplace, tired, and done working for the day.
Jihoon stretches his arms out and sags against his chair, letting out a groan.
"And now we wait," he repeats. A beat, as he keeps his eyes trained to the ceiling. Then, softly, he adds, "You did good, you know."
He sees you glancing at him from the corner of his eyes. "You, too," you offer quietly, sincerely. "You did well, Jihoon-ah."
His eyes remain on the ceiling, his mind taking him back to how it felt when your hand rested atop of his. It had felt strange and it had felt good— and the fact that you'd so boldly initiated it in the first place made it even better.
The thought that there was a possibility of it being a one-time thing made him almost want to cry, for whatever reason.
It's just so weird, and Jihoon has never felt like this before. He's never caught in a complicated sort of feeling like this. But the way you'd held his hand was different— and the more thoughts he thought about it, he realized that your touch was different from the touch of anyone else's.
"Can we talk for a second?" is all he finds himself able to ask, and it's a surprise to him— considering how much the two of you have never talked about things that were just about you and him.
Still, he wonders that perhaps now, with everything that's happened here, there was something he needed to tell you. Something he wanted you to know.
He hears you shifting on the couch, spots a corner of your lip quirking upward in a show of interest. When he fully turns to look at you, he notices the way you've braced yourself against the back of the couch to meet his gaze.
"Sure," you say. "What's on your mind?"
Jihoon rubs his hand over his mouth as he thinks of a way to articulate his thoughts.
There are so many words here that don't need to be said. There are some words that he wants to say but that you simply don't need to hear.
There were a lot of things he wanted to say, but he needed to filter them very well because he wasn't sure if they'd cause a misunderstanding.
"I'd like to keep doing this," is what eventually comes out.
His fingers find his earlobe out of nervousness. His heartrate only seems to spike when you stare back at him for a moment, your eyebrows raised like you're waiting to see if he'll elaborate.
And so elaborate he does. "All of this," he goes on. "Producing for the group, collaborating with you, just… seeing you and talking to you and… having you around."
It feels a bit weird to express after three years of working alongside each other, but it's also the first explicit admittance Jihoon has made abut wanting to keep up your collaboration.
He's not surprised when you try to pass it off with some humor. "I'll stick around for as long as you'll have me," you say almost jokingly, but there's almost a desperate weight of truth in your words.
Jihoon sighs, his expression tightening. There was a whole lot he wanted to say to you— he wanted to make a lot of things very clear— but he also wanted to keep whatever was blooming between the two of you going.
He tries not to dwell on it. Not now, with his feelings as fresh as they were.
"I've been thinking," he starts, his voice quieter now. "Maybe we could… get to know each other or something. Spend the day together— away from the company. Away from this life. Just as… two normal adults."
Another pause.
"Are you asking me out on a date, Jihoon-ah?" you kid after a torturous minute.
Jihoon goes quiet for a moment, the gears turning in his head.
He really was asking you out on a date, wasn't he? How would he even spin this as something simple and innocent?
What had he been expecting in return when he asked you? Why did he ask in the first place if it wasn't to actually find out who you were and why you were the only person he could really say he wanted to spend time with?
Questions, no answers. He's going to go insane.
"You know what," he blurts out before he can lose his nerve. "Yeah. Yes, I am asking you out on a date."
You're both stunned in to silence, and you look like you're just about to say what you should. A 'no'. Something about this not being proper.
But then there's a faint ding from Jihoon's laptop, and he glances over just in time to see that Sungsoo had responded in the affirmative to your revisions for the group's eleventh mini-album.
A stuttering, relieved breath escapes you. Jihoon, for his part, lets out a huff, his shoulders falling. He hadn't even meant to ask you out on a date; he was only going to ask you to spend the day with him.
Now, though, it was out in the open. And he'll be damned to take it back.
"Looks like we're free now," he muses, far too prideful to let Sungsoo derail this conversation. Jihoon's voice is edged with hope as he goes on, "So, what do you say?"
Jihoon has no way of knowing this, but you admire his persistence. When you laugh, it's what changes your mind, what privately convinces you to take him up on his offer.
Because Jihoon had still somehow managed to make you laugh despite it all.
"You know what? Okay," you say readily, one shoulder raising in half a shrug. "Let's go on a date next week, Jihoon-ah."
It would definitely beat sitting in Jihoon's studio, alone and bored, until Sungsoo had sent over their next project.
"Okay," he repeats, his lips curling in a tentative smile. "I'll let you know what plans I come up with, then."
"Alright." You're already rising from the studio couch, preparing to take your leave for the evening.
As you gather your things, Jihoon tries to look back at his workstation instead. Like the sight of it might somehow give him the answers to where to take you, what to do, how to go about all this.
You pause at the door of his studio. "Text me," you say.
It's nothing short of a miracle, how Jihoon is able to respond "I will."
And then you're gone, but the loss doesn't feel as prominent as it usually does. Because now, Jihoon has something to look forward to.
He doesn't remember the last time he allowed himself to be so selfish.
His thoughts over the next few days are consumed with the upcoming date.
Everything he does seems to center around how the date will go, where he'll bring you, and how he would survive a day in your presence without completely humiliating himself.
He takes his time planning. By the time next week rolls around, he's a mess.
His ears are burning as he dials your number and presses the call button.
Your tone is casual on the other line. "Hey, Jihoon-ah," you greet. "What's up?"
Jihoon takes a moment to just hear your voice. He internally groans at how a simple what's up already has his heart rate picking up like nobody's business.
"Hey," he finally says after he gathers himself, his free hand shoving into his pocket. He's pacing his apartment bedroom, fighting for his life to keep calm. "I… just wanted to call about tomorrow."
When you respond, your voice is cautious. "Sure. What about tomorrow?"
There's a slight pause again, and Jihoon can already feel the sweat forming on the inside of his palm.
Surely, you wouldn't think he was calling to cancel? Why would he have waited until the day before?
"Just needed to ask you about something," he admits, his free hand coming up to fiddle with the hair on one side of his ear. "I just wanted to… ask a question. Uh…"
"What… are you going to be wearing?" he finally spits out, his face already going red as the words leave his mouth.
Why the fuck can't he be cool about this? Why can't he be casual and chill about the date and about seeing you? It's so goddamn frustrating— he needed to get a handle on himself and soon, he thinks with despair.
"Oh. Uh…" From the other end of the phone, you seem to be shuffling around. "I was actually going to ask what our plans were," you admit rather meekly. "So I can dress accordingly."
Jihoon's eyes widen, and for a moment, he feels even more like an idiot than he usually does.
You had no idea where you were going, he realizes, and as a result— you had no idea what to wear.
"Oh… right," he says, mentally facepalming himself. He was supposed to be the one giving you information, not the other way around. "Yeah, okay. That makes sense."
He takes a second or two to collect himself, because— God, he did not want to mess this up. If you found out about the amount of work and effort he'd put in this thing, you'd definitely laugh at him.
"Nothing too formal, but don't be super casual," he says slowly. "You'll want a jacket, maybe. And wear comfortable shoes."
He takes another deep breath, steadying himself before he adds, "And I'm going to pick you up at ten. Is that alright?"
Jihoon's instructions are a touch on the vague side, but you don't seem to mind as you let out a huff of amused laughter. "Dress warm, comfortable jacket and shoes, ten in the morning," you repeat. "Okay. Got it."
You go on, "I'll text you my address. I— we've known each other so long, but I don't think you've ever come over, have you?"
Another good point. Jihoon and you spent most of your time at the company. There were rare occasions where you'd join the group's post-comeback celebrations with the rest of the staff, but those were always at some rented-out restobar.
"Yeah. Well. Just text me, then," he says lamely, already mentally berating himself for how much of a fool he's acting. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow, Jihoon-ah," you bid, and he can hear the smile in your voice.
Just like that, Jihoon's heart rate picks up again— except this time, it's not just nervousness he feels.
There's that strange sense of anticipation, the slight thrill of excitement he gets with the mere thought of seeing you the next day, and he nearly lets out an exhale to quell all those feelings.
"See you," he says finally, his voice barely above a murmur.
And then suddenly— he's hanging up, the realization of everything finally settling on him. This was actually happening.
He sits on his bed for a moment, just mulling over the conversation, before he lets himself fall back onto the mattress in horror. He had just hung up, hadn't he? Did he even say goodbye? Did he even say something nice? He was a mess.
He lets out a long, pitiful whine in to a pillow as he wonders for a second or two if he should call back just to say good night to you properly.
In the end, he decides against it. He didn't want to come off as desperate and it was pretty likely that he'd just dig a deeper hole for himself.
Still, he can't help but let out an annoyed, strangled sound as he turns to look at the ceiling.
He was going to have to put a lot of effort if he didn't want to embarrass the hell out of himself.
Come the next day, Jihoon is standing outside your apartment at exactly ten in the morning.
He knocks almost tentatively, and he's only a little surprised that you swing the door open without missing a beat.
You flash him a smile in greeting. "Come in," you say, ushering him in to what he can only describe as uncharted territory. "Can I get you something to drink? Water, juice?"
He's so tripped up over how you look— the smart-casual outfit, focused on warmth, as he'd advised— that he almost misses the offer.
"Ah," he stutters. Barely a minute in and I'm already done for, he thinks ruefully. "Do you have— cola?"
You give a small sound of assent as you move further in to your apartment, towards what he assumes is the kitchen. "Make yourself at home," you call, and Jihoon is left to bear witness to your space.
It looks very much like that of an artist's. There's floor-to-ceiling corkboards on almost every wall and a blackboard full of chalk markings— bearing everything from concepts to half-finished lyrics.
You have bookshelves groaning under the weight of music albums— Jihoon sees a number of SEVENTEEN's— and instruments crammed in to nooks and crannies.
He suddenly remembers how, for some reason, you had never really let him come over to your apartment before. And now, he understands why, because your apartment almost felt like a reflection of your own brain— chaotic, but brilliant. It was a creative genius's studio, and it was more than just a little bit captivating.
You return with a can of Coke. "It's a lot, isn't it?" you muse.
Jihoon shakes his head. It is a lot. But also— he knows how gifted you are, knows how driven you can be. Seeing it here, so openly on display, has something stammering in his chest.
"Is this all your work?" he asks a moment later, still glancing around. "Is this… everything you've been working on? You've been keeping it here?"
"Not all of us have separate studios," you shoot back. There's an easy smile on your face, indicating that you're just teasing.
When you seem to realize that your initial jab hasn't answered Jihoon's question, you amend, "It's not all of my work. You should see my childhood bedroom back in Jeju."
"Jesus," he says with a slight chuckle, his fingers pressing around the metal of his soda can.
He doesn't know why the thought of your childhood room in Jeju having more of this surprises him. But, then again, that was just the kind of person you were. An ambitious, freethinking, creative genius, the same qualities he'd grown to appreciate over time.
And now he was about to go on a date with you. How the hell had he gotten this lucky?
He isn't quite sure what compels him. All he knows is that the question, almost rhetorical in nature, is out of his mouth before he can reel it back in.
"You really love music, don't you?"
The question seems to throw you off-kilter, but you recover surprisingly fast. You're thoughtfully smoothing out the patches on your denim jacket as you retort, "I love it about as much as you do."
If it had been any other person, Jihoon might have scoffed, might have privately thought they were cocky or just outright lying. But it's you, and his heart twists in to a knot at the thought of how willing he is to accept that cardinal truth.
That you and him loved music in equal measure.
In a hopeless attempt to collect himself, he shoots back his soda in several big gulps. The carbonated drink burns as it goes down his throat; he forces it to stay down.
"We should probably get going," he prompts once he's done with his drink.
"Right, of course."
You go to throw away his empty soda can for him, and the way you move makes it abundantly clear that you're unaware of the effect you have on him.
As the two of you step out of your apartment and find your way to Jihoon's car, he can only hope that it won't be that long of an afternoon.
Despite the way he keeps both hands on the steering wheel, Jihoon can still feel the nerves racing up and down his spine. He's nervous, excited, his emotions a mess as he tries to get himself together.
He can't believe that after years of talking about music and just working together, after all this goddamn time, you were finally going on a date together.
The car radio is just a touch too loud, which is to be expected, considering that it was Jihoon's vehicle. You have to pitch your voice above it to be audible.
"Where are we going?" you ask as he peels in to traffic.
"You'll see when we get there," he responds.
The disapproving pinch of your expression draws a laugh out of him. He doesn't give you the opportunity to press any longer as he fiddles with the radio dial, upping the volume just a touch more.
He'd planned this date carefully after spending far too much time agonizing over all the details. He was damned if he wasn't going to keep some things in the dark.
It's a quiet drive for the most part, with only the radio keeping the silence from being too deafening. But, frankly, Jihoon isn't too bothered by the silence because it gives him ample time to collect his thoughts, to try not to focus on the way your hand is right there, a few inches away from his on the gear shift.
He keeps his eyes on the road, keeps his expression neutral, and keeps his cards as close to his chest as possible.
Once Jihoon is finally pulling in to a parking lot, he manages to find his voice. "We're here," he notes, like it's not the most obvious thing in the world.
He waits a moment for you to also unbuckle your seatbelts, and only then does he climb out of the car. He quickly walks around to your side, pulling open the door for you and gesturing for you to follow him as he crosses the parking lot.
"What is 'here', exactly?" you ask Jihoon as you walk up to the building in front of you. It looks rather unassuming; nothing on the outside giving out what it might be. Just white walls and a sign outside that's still too far to read.
Jihoon catches the way you try to make out the sign, and he can't help but find himself feeling a touch flustered because goddammit, was he allowed to find everything you did endearing?
He clears his throat before finally answering. "A planetarium."
Now, Jihoon definitely doesn't miss the way your eyes widen, nor the small tone of excitement that betrays the otherwise casualness of your voice.
"That's cool," you say with your hands shoved in to the pockets of your jacket. "Never been to one before."
He can clearly see how excited you'd gotten just at hearing where he'd brought you. And, frankly, it just makes his pulse race all that much more.
"Well, let's go in and have a look then, shall we?" he offers, his voice a little on the quieter side as he tries valiantly to not mimic your excitement.
As you approach the building façade, the signage comes in to better view. It boasts of an immersive planetarium experience, but what stops you dead in your tracks is a note tacked on the front door.
Closed for a private event.
"Oh?" you're saying, a slight edge of disappointment in your tone. "It's looks like it's—"
But before you can finish your sentence, the door is pulling open, and an important-looking man— the manager— is already stepping up to address Jihoon.
"Mr. Lee, right on time," the employee greets with a bow. "We've set everything up for you."
The oh that escapes you, this time, is a lot softer.
Jihoon can't help the small grin that immediately works its way across his lips at your reaction. He'd been hoping to catch you by surprise, and he can tell that it worked.
He gives a polite, somewhat formal half-bow in return to the manager before glancing over his shoulder to you. There's a hint of smugness in his voice as his gaze lands on you again. "C'mon," he says as he starts making his way in to the planetarium.
The inside is mostly dark; Jihoon gives his eyes a moment to adjust to the change. There's no one else here but the two of you, and Jihoon isn't really complaining about the emptiness. It just means he can have you all to himself, without having to worry about having anyone else around.
He can hear your footsteps, following behind him, and he has to mentally remind himself to keep himself together before he finally glances over his shoulder at you.
"Surprised?" he teases, the ghost of a smirk making its way on to his face.
He revels in the look of awe on your face, the way you all but ignore him to pull a couple of steps ahead. You're surveying the lobby like it's already the main exhibit, and Jihoon has the sudden urge to rent out every gallery in Seoul for you to see.
Your next words are one-two punch on Jihoon's poor, poor heart. "I think you've got some nerve, Jihoon-ah, pulling out all the stops on our first date," you muse, your face still upturned to the entryway.
Jihoon almost trips right over his own two feet as the casualness of your words registers in his mind.
Multiple dates. You were implying that there might be multiple dates to follow. That you wanted there to be multiple dates.
He takes a quick breath, trying to maintain any semblance of a nonchalant attitude as he responds. "What?" he says, the smirk just a touch more shaky on his lips. "You think this is 'going all out'?"
He continues to walk, catching up to you a few moments later. "I'm offended. How dare you think that I'd settle for anything less than perfection."
"If this isn't 'all out' yet for you," you quip. "I'm a bit nervous as to what is."
He only responds with a small chuckle. "You'll see."
He leads you to the next room over, and this particular one is far more darker. The only source of light is from the projector against the back wall, projecting a constellation map on the opposite wall.
Jihoon glances over his shoulder once more, watching the small look of wonder on your face. He leads you to a small couch in the center of the room before sitting comfortably beside you on it.
His face is partially illuminated by the lights of the projector, and he can clearly see the way you're taking in everything around him.
"You like it, hm?" he gently prods, watching you again.
It's a lot to take in, honestly. The high ceiling, the projected constellations, the lights dancing across both your faces. Even the way the room has been rearranged— the single plush couch, the type that allows you to recline and gaze up at the faux sky of constellations— is all so damn good.
"I like it," you concede, your voice barely above a murmur. You speak like you're scared that talking any louder will break an illusion. "It's— yah, Jihoon-ah. It's so pretty."
In that moment, Jihoon almost forgets how to breathe.
There's something so soft and gentle and fond to your voice as you speak, and the way your words came out almost reverently does something to Jihoon that he couldn't quite explain.
"Pretty," he repeats, eyes still trained on you. "It is, isn't it?"
The two of you sit in comfortable silence for a long time; Jihoon still watching you instead of the exhibit. You didn't just say it was pretty. You'd said it with words and tone and expression that told him just how much you loved it.
Christ, he was a goner. He was far gone for you.
After what feels like both an eternity and a second at the same time, Jihoon finally shifts his gaze away from you, glancing up at the ceiling above him. He's quiet for a few more moments before he finally speaks again.
"Y'know…" He starts, the sound of his voice just a touch quieter than usual. "When I was a kid, I always thought the stars were my favorite thing."
Jihoon glances over at you again, noticing the way you were still practically enchanted by the projected stars above you. It makes him bite back a small, amused smile, before he continues.
"I used to sit out in the field by my house and count them, name them, make up my own stories for each of them. I thought they were the most magical, most incredible things in the whole universe."
He thinks of his home back in Busan, the way the moon reflected over the sea water. He thinks of a version of him from lifetimes ago— a boy he'll never be again.
He almost misses him.
Jihoon lets out a soft huff. "And then I got older, and life got really shitty and busy, and..." His voice falters a bit. "The stars were no longer as important to me as they were before."
He exhales, the sound filling the quiet room. He can feel you listening, can feel you taking in every sincere word of his. And that's enough. That means something.
"But..." He goes on quietly. "Sometimes, there are moments that come, and the only things that matter are the stars again."
It's just like Jihoon to spew something poetic without pretense or shame. In his peripheral, he sees you glancing at him, and it takes everything for him to not let this feeling overwhelm him.
"I hope you have more moments like that, then," you say, your voice equally soft.
There was something so endearing about the sentiment you'd said, and he knew that you meant every word of it. And that made it all so much worse for his heart.
He's so whipped, it almost makes him want to laugh.
This is one of those moments, he almost says. Even if it's not real stars.
He can't help it anymore. Despite all the times he's had to keep up his usually cool, calm demeanor with you, despite his usual attitude, despite his usual shyness, the urge is just too much and—
He slides his arm around your shoulders, pulling you a little closer.
That was one thing the stars could do: Give him a bit of courage.
When you don't resist his gentle tugging, he figures he can do just one more thing.
His free hand moves to your chin, gently coaxing your head up so that you’re looking at a specific point up at the ceiling.
You're so focused on the stars, you barely even register the sound of Jihoon’s voice again.
"The most special stars," he murmurs. "They all have names."
He’s still speaking into your ear, and you can feel his warm breath against your skin. "That one," he says, his voice like gravel. He slowly, carefully tilts your chin up just a little more. Coaxing you to look up even further. "Is my favorite."
His calmness is belied by the fact that his heart is a jackhammer in his chest. All he can do, really, is try to get you to look at one of the larger stars that's almost dead center in the middle.
"Why is it your favorite?" you inquire, the genuine curiosity in your tone almost mistakable for breathlessness.
"It's the brightest star in the entire sky." His gaze darts between the star and your face, the shadows of the room hiding the way his chest tightens at the sight of you listening intently. "It's called Sirius."
His voice is still soft, but there's a new note to it that you've never heard before. It's quiet, reverent, almost like he's about to tell you a secret.
"The Romans called it the 'dog star'," he continues. "Because it's the brightest star in Canis Major, the big dog constellation."
He lowers his head a little so that his chin is almost resting on your shoulder, and his arm around your shoulders tightens just a fraction.
"But to the Chinese, it was known as the 'heavenly river commander'," he goes on. "And the Arabs called it the 'chief star in heaven'."
Jihoon is getting nervous, now, but he has to do this. He has to.
It feels like the first flicker of a neon sign as he goes on, "To all those different people, it was all of those things. To me—"
He pauses, feeling the words stick in his Adam's apple.
The brightest star in the night sky.
For the longest time, Jihoon had wondered whether he would find something to call it, too. The closest he's come has been the boys, his music.
But that felt like an understatement. They weren't just a group, after all; they were his whole life. And so it was more apt to describe them as the universe, as the entire planetarium.
Which left him with the brightest star—
"To you?" you repeat, tilting your head back to meet Jihoon's gaze head on.
"What's it called to you?" you prompt.
In the relative darkness, he can't read you as well as he might have wanted.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't change what's he's going to say, anyway.
He gives you his answer—
He says your name.
And then he leans in— his heart at your feet, all yours for the taking.
[Kindergarten Teachers AU] Fearing that their two favourite teachers might break up, the kids decide to take your romance into their own tiny hands.
Big thank you to my beloved @haoboutyou for giving me the idea and helping me defeat writer's block (even if just for a day)! idk what I'd do without you, girl
“You know what? Fine! Have it your way!”
The car door was slammed closed with far too much force. A dog froze in the middle of passing by, eyeing you two with caution before continuing on his morning walk with his elderly owner mumbling words of concern under her breath.
“Well, have a good day.” Seokmin sighed and held the gate open for you, ever the gentleman even when he was annoyed and upset. “Please don’t skip lunch today.”
Eyes narrowed into slits, you turned on your heel to glare at him. “Don’t tell me what to do!”
The sound he let out was something of a groan mixed into a wail of despair. “I didn’t mean it like that, baby.”
You rolled your eyes and strolled past him with purpose. There was not a single glance spared his way until you were both well inside the building, surrounded by curious little children who looked like they had heard your argument just fine. One of them looked positively ready to start crying at the sight of you.
Sitting at your desk, you sighed. “What is it, kids?”
“Are you and Mister Minnie breaking up?” a wavering little voice dared to ask. Various noises of protest filled the room before you could even take a breath to prepare to answer the question.
Sparing a quick look at your boyfriend, who was organising the toy shelves and deep in a conversation with one of the more shy kids, you shook your head. “No, we’re not.”
The children let out a collective breath of relief. Some high-fived and cheered in joy. A bitter part of you thought they might just be more invested in your relationship than your boyfriend was. You tried to wave the thought away as fast as it came.
“Because they’re already broken up!” a little boy suddenly declared, standing up and pointing fingers as if he’d been personally betrayed. He was all accusations and none of the ability to listen. You suspected he’d make a great – or at least popular – politician one day.
“We are not,” you argued with all the patience only a kindergarten teacher could possibly muster. “We’re just… having a bad day.”
To your surprise and joy, no more questions were asked. Only curious glances remained. Still you thought it was the end of it. Another crisis averted, another day saved.
Behind your back, the kids exchanged looks of mischief and worry – they had a plan brewing.
Little Misoo toiled away at her desk, hands covered in charcoal smudges and ink. She had tried a big girl pen for the first time, having wanted to emphasise the seriousness of the situation, but quickly realised it was harder to wield than it looked, and so she had resorted back to her trusty coloured pencils to write the invitations. She had just ten more to go.
“I don’t understand why we’re doing this,” Jaemin finally voiced his concerns between clumsily peeling and sticking heart-shaped stickers on every piece of paper. “Everybody already knows. Why do they need invitations?”
Misoo gave him a scathing look. “You can’t have a wedding without invitations! Everybody knows that!”
Jaemin pouted. “Then should we make invitations for Mister Minnie and Miss (Y/n) as well?”
“No.” She looked at him like he’d just suggested unicorns and dragons could be best friends (they obviously couldn’t because all unicorns are vegans and dragons famously hate vegans). “They’re the bride and the groom! They don’t need invitations!”
“But do they even know they’re getting married?”
“They will.” Misoo suspected she had the most patience any woman had ever possessed. She glanced towards the ceiling as if to challenge god for putting her in this situation and then gave Jaemin another glare. “Stop asking stupid questions and get back to work.”
A mysterious chocolate bar had found its way onto your desk. Even more mysteriously it was your favourite brand and flavour. Your boyfriend sat in a circle with the kids, reading their pre-nap fairytale, and snuck glances at you as if he was expecting something.
You fought back a smile and grabbed a sticky note.
When he returned to his seat after getting the kids to sleep, he found the pink piece of paper stuck on his laptop. On it, a little heart and two words: ‘You’re forgiven.’ He almost screamed of joy before remembering that he had to be quiet. He wore a dumb lovestruck smile for the rest of the hour.
Mingyu knew something was wrong the moment the kids stepped into the art room. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it but he just knew. And if the wide-eyed look Minghao gave him was anything to go by, he felt it too.
It was only about 10 minutes in that he realised the problem: the kids were moving like they had a purpose. This was rare. This never happened on free art Fridays – usually the kids would spend the first twenty minutes trying to come up with an idea to execute. Today it took them less than twenty seconds.
Cautiously, he approached tiny Sohyun and Yunho – the first sharpening pencils at a furious pace and the other sorting through the unsharpened ones under her command. It was abundantly clear that Sohyun was working the boy like it was the military. One had to admire her leadership abilities, even if they were a little rough and loud around the edges.
“So what’s today’s project?” he asked, trying his best not to wince when the pencil’s tip snapped in the sharpener.
Sohyun sighed in frustration before skillfully removing the graphite from between the blades and restarting the sharpening process. “Pencil confetti.”
Mingyu blinked. “I’m sorry?”
“Pencil. Confetti.” She repeated it slowly as if fearing he was dumb and wouldn’t get it otherwise.
He tried not to take offense. “For…?”
“For the wedding,” she explained like it was obvious before gasping and turning to Misoo. “You need to give him an invitation!”
The other girl facepalmed theatrically before rushing over to him with a surprisingly neatly folded paper card. Before he could ask her about it, she was rushing to the other side of the classroom to hand an identical one to Minghao.
‘INVITAISION’ it read in big bold multicolour letters, a large pink heart-shaped sticker sitting right under the word.
Mingyu opened the card and his jaw just about dropped (granted, it took him about two minutes to decipher the writing and make sense of it; he couldn’t complain because he hadn’t expected any kindergarten kids to know how to write anything at all).
“Seokmin and (Y/n) are getting married?!” He made eye contact with Minghao who gave him an equally shocked look.
“We’re throwing them a marriage!” Hyesoo declared happily and held out a little string tied into a circle. “I’m making rings!”
Mingyu fought a smile. “So, pencil confetti and string rings?”
“We wanted to make flower rings but it’s too early to go outside yet,” Jaemin informed him with a pout.
“And flower confetti,” Sohyun sighed and continued working the pencil sharpener like it was her day job and she was getting paid per shaving.
“... Want me to get you guys some real flowers?” Mingyu asked after a moment of thought. It wasn’t every day that the kids planned a wedding, after all.
The kids’ faces lit up with joy like little Christmas trees. If he hadn’t wanted to do this, he would’ve felt compelled now.
“And we could make them paper rings,” Minghao suggested with a little smile. “They would last longer than flowers.”
The kids screamed in excitement.
You leaned closer to your boyfriend, eyeing the kids suspiciously as you did so. “They’re being weird.”
Too busy to even look up —Seokmin was neck-deep in his emails—, he hummed. “Weird how?”
“Like … quiet weird.”
His attention was fully on you now. “Oh, that’s no good.”
“Look at them!” you whispered and nodded towards where the kids were supposed to be playing on the carpet.
Instead of messing around with little trucks and dolls and teddy bears, they were braiding ribbons into each others’ hair and handing out cards and whispering secrets. You felt like you’d entered an alternate dimension.
Seokmin raised a single brow and nodded. “Okay, this is scary.”
“Should we—” you hesitated, “—do something?”
He shrugged. “But what if we do something and they get noisy and crazy again?”
“Good point.”
The big hour was growing nearer. The kids were buzzing with excitement, ready to see their plan in action. In half an hour, it would be time to go outside to play games and throw the biggest party of their lives.
“Okay, do we have everything?” Minsoo asked, standing in the middle of the circle on the carpet. She glanced towards the teachers’ desks – the married-couple-to-be were still unaware of their plans and working on something on their computer. She was happy with the sight, for now, and turned back to her co-conspirators. “Invitations?”
“All given out,” Jaemin replied.
“Confetti?”
“Pencil or rose petal?” Sohyun wondered. She received no answer. “Well, I have both.”
“Perfect,” Minsoo approved and continued checking her mental wedding list. “Rings?”
Bomin – universally recognised as the resident expert in paper crafts – held two rings out on his palm. The other kids made noises of approval.
“Music?”
Eunji nodded and hummed in confirmation. She was the only kid in the group to have a phone, even if it did only let her call her mom, listen to about fifteen songs and play Candy Crush. By all accounts, she was the coolest kid in town.
“Priest?”
Silence. The kids turned to look at Yunho who let out a whine and slumped backwards until he was lying on the ground. “Why do I have to be the priest?”
“Because it’s a boring people job,” Sohyun told him with utter seriousness and all he could do was sigh in defeat.
Mina held up her hand and asked, “Shouldn’t we get Miss (Y/n) a wedding dress?”
“No, because she’s already pretty,” was the general consensus.
Minsoo looked at her friends, her companions, her co-conspirators, her little minions. She nodded in approval. “People, we have a wedding to do.”
“Kids, don’t wander too far off,” you reminded them gently as they rushed outside in a single file. Somehow it felt like they were even more enthusiastic about playing outside than usual.
Odd, you thought and pushed the thought out of your head. It had, after all, been an overall strange day. Then again, the weather was lovely and you suspected you would’ve been similarly excited if you were in their shoes.
Still, it was weird that they were all heading in the same direction as if led by an invisible tour guide.
Seokmin nudged your side. “You’re right. They are being weird today.”
“Right?” Your brows furrowed. “What is up with them?”
“You know, I think they might have heard our fight this morning.”
You couldn’t help but laugh. “Honey, they asked me if we were breaking up as soon as I got to the room. I am sure they heard us.”
“Maybe that’s why they’re so weird,” he concluded with a click of his tongue before turning to you. “I’m glad you forgave me though. I’m sorry for being so dumb.”
A sigh forced its way out of your body. “You’re not dumb. You’re just … less hesitant than me.” Your fingers brushed against yours. “You know I want a future with you, I just— It hasn’t been all that long.”
“It’s been two years and eight months,” he supplied with a quiet chuckle but there was no malice behind those words. He leaned forward to kiss your cheek. “But who’s counting? Not me.”
“Right,” you deadpanned and jabbed him in the ribs with all the force of a bumblebee crashing into a human body. Your fingers wrapped around his and gave them a squeeze. “Just give me some time, okay? Soon, but not yet.”
“Soon, but not yet,” he parroted with a smile that said he was more than willing to wait.
The padding of feet pulled you out of the moment. In front of you stood Jaemin, hands politely behind his back, cheeks flushed red from the spring chill. He cleared his throat.
“You need to come with me,” he declared and didn’t bother to wait for an answer before heading right back where he came from.
You shared a look with your boyfriend. “Did he mean the both of us?”
“I think so,” he said and shrugged before following after the boy. You sighed and did the same.
The world came to a standstill for just a moment when you reached the old tree in the middle of the yard. It seemed that all of the kids had gathered exactly there, forming two neat groups with a little path between them leading to Yunho wearing glasses that were certainly not his own and a top hat. Mingyu and Minghao stood on either side of him with wide mischievous grins, in on a scheme that had clearly been created under your nose without you ever suspecting a thing.
“What is this?” you asked no one in particular.
“Your wedding!” Minsoo declared as Jaemin all but dragged your boyfriend to the other end of the makeshift path.
Seokmin wore a puzzled smile as Mingyu started dusting his jacket and fixing his hair like a fuzzy mother. “Our what?”
“Wedding,” the kids repeated in unison like it was the most obvious thing. When you still stared at them with nothing but confusion in your eyes, they let out a collection of little sighs.
Sohyun called out, “You’re getting married!”
“We are?”
“Yes!”
“Why?” Seokmin wondered while dodging Mingyu’s attempts to straighten his collar. “How come?”
“Because you had a fight and then Miss (Y/n) said you two were having a bad day,” Minsoo explained to you like you two were the five-year-old ones and they were the much more experienced adults. “And my mom always says she was the happiest on her wedding day, so now you are getting married so your day can be happy too.”
No one could argue with logic. You admitted defeat and let the girls adjust your clothes and put a little flower into your hair.
When they were done, like the woman on a mission that she was, Minsoo handed you a single red rose – a real one, you noted in astonishment – and held out her hand for you to take. Hesitantly, you did as expected.
The moment your fingers touched hers, you almost burst out laughing when you heard the beginning notes of ‘Love Is an Open Door’.
With a proud grin on her face, she led you down the aisle towards the old tree – towards your boyfriend. You really did start laughing when the kids began throwing flower petals onto your path.
“You guys put a lot of thought into this, huh?” you asked.
She only smiled and led you to the make-shift altar made of an old tree log. You stood next to Seokmin who offered you a matching amused smile and took your hand from hers, giving it an encouraging squeeze.
“We’re getting married,” he whispered as if he couldn’t believe it.
Frankly, you couldn’t either. Especially when just this morning you had been arguing over this very thing. Funny how the universe works, you thought and stepped closer to his side. “We’re getting married.”
“Ladies and gentlemans,” Yunho began in a faux-official tone as soon as the song ended, holding a notebook up like he could read, “we are here to marry Miss (Y/n) and Mister Minnie. Does anybody object?”
Silence filled the yard. You glanced back to find the kids giving each other glares as if to dare the other to make even a squeak. One could rest assured violence would erupt if the smallest sound was heard.
Yunho seemed to breathe out in relief before continuing, “Do you, Mister Minnie, take Miss (Y/n) as your wife?”
“I do,” Seokmin told him, not even bothering to fight his giggles.
“Stop laughing! This is a serious matter!” Sohyun scolded him from the first row.
Seokmin schooled his expression and cleared his throat, standing up straighter as if he was a mere soldier that had just received an order from his commanding officer. With all the seriousness he could muster, he repeated, “I do.”
“Good,” Yunho approved and turned to you. “Do you, Miss (Y/n), take Mister Minnie as your husband?”
You nodded. “Yes, I do.”
“Perfect! Then I announce you–”
“The vows! Don’t forget the vows!” Bomin called out from the crowd.
Jaemin gasped. “And the rings!”
Yunho seemed a little overwhelmed by the demands of the many but quickly gathered himself. “Right. Mister Minnie, do you have any vows?”
Seokmin’s lips twitched. “Sure.”
“You do?” you gasped and turned to him. “Well, come on then.”
“Do you not have vows for me then?” He pressed his free hand to his chest, feigning a wound.
You rolled your eyes. “I didn’t realise I would be getting married today, so…”
“Then you’d better think quick because these kids are ruthless,” Mingyu leaned over to tell you.
Seokmin chuckled and cleared his throat once more. He took your other hand in his as well. “My (Y/n), my beloved, my moon, my stars, my sunshine–”
“This was a mistake,” you heard one of the kids mumble in the crowd, clearly disgusted by the amount of honorifics your boyfriend had decided to bestow upon you. Maybe she wasn’t the romantic type.
“–I love you and I adore you. I didn’t expect to marry you today but, well, here we are, getting married, today, right here. They say that if you find the one you love, you feel like you can live forever. I am glad you’ve chosen me to spend your forever with.”
The kids cooed and awwed and squealed in delight. You would’ve joined them if you didn’t feel so suspiciously close to crying.
“It’s your turn,” Yunho whispered to you after a moment of silence.
You blinked back to reality and squeezed Seokmin’s hands. “Alright, well, I didn’t have anything prepared but… I can’t imagine a life without you in it, Seokmin. I can’t imagine waking up to anything other than your attempts at coffee. I can’t imagine coming to work to the sound of anything other than your singing. You mean everything to me. This wedding came as a surprise but I am so glad it did because it means I can marry the man of my dreams.”
The children erupted into cheers as Minghao held out two rings for you to take. Seokmin slipped one around your ring finger with gentle, nervous grace. You did the same for him and smiled wide when he leaned forward to kiss your lips.
Boys fought grimaces of disgust while girls giggled and squealed in delight. ‘Love Is an Open Door’ commenced playing once again as Yunho ushered you back down the aisle to be showered in flower confetti.
“Not at all what I thought they were planning,” Seokmin leaned towards you to whisper. “I did not expect this.”
“Is it weird that I’m not mad about it?” you asked and rested your head against his shoulder. “I know I said I wasn’t ready for marriage this morning but–”
“As far as I care, this marriage is all that counts,” he told you with a giddy smile and pressed another kiss to your lips. He held his left hand out for you to see, wriggling his fingers to show off his new paper jewellery. “I have a ring to prove it now.”
Electra Heart "died", found her true self and grew up to be the PRINCESS OF POWER?
I'm not saying I'm right, but this is how I interpret the album as a baby Diamond: Electra Heart and PRINCESS OF POWER are either
1. The same person,
2. Versions of each other in parallel universes, or
3. Sisters
I'll tell you why.
(I may have reached, while trying to justify certain parts, but I'm doing this for fun. I'm just a girl </3
Also, I'll be referring to the standard version of "Electra Heart", because it has 13 tracks as well, so easier to relate to "Princess of Power".)
⏤ PRINCESS OF POWER
Talks about self-transformation and finding love but this time, without manipulation (like faking personality or creating a new persona to be loved).
Also "welcome to my world PRINCESS OF POWER", sound familiar?
("welcome to the life of Electra Heart" from Bubblegum Bitch, album opener for Electra Heart).
⏤ BUTTERFLY
Classic feel-good and confident Marina song with a hint of "putting a mask on to hide what's really going on".
Primadonna does it for the entire song, with the intention of hiding Marina's true self. BUTTERFLY does it more in a way that "yes, I have suffered, but I truly have overcome a lot and bloomed".
⏤ CUNTISSIMO
CUNTISSIMO vs Lies is just:
"Marina giving no fucks" vs "Marina giving all the fucks she can and more".
⏤ ROLLERCOASTER
"wanna do things I'm not supposed to" uhm.. like being a Homewrecker, Marina?? Like.. her feeling low but wanting to go up and feel good about herself again?
And please let's talk about her not belonging to anyone, only being happy when she's on the run, while she's found the love of her life in ROLLERCOASTER? Love that honestly.
⏤ CUPID'S GIRL
Marina in Starring Role, "You don't love me and I'm never gonna tell you about my feelings"..
or Marina in CUPID'S GIRL, "You're so stupid trying to reject me lmao you're gonna fall in love with me, no matter what".
Who's gonna win?
⏤ METALLIC STALLION
BOTH THE STATE OF DREAMING AND METALLIC STALLION ARE MY FAVOURITE TRACKS!!!
I only find these tracks sonically similar⏤ very dramatic, they have this tension that breaks off in a sort of theatrical way.
⏤ JE NE SAIS QUOI
Her feeling overwhelmed by her love for him. She doesn't know what he has in him but still is so into him.
While her love in Power and Control was more of a power battle against her partner. Love was more of a game, but it's more serious for her in JE NE SAIS QUOI.
⏤ DIGITAL FANTASY
MARINA IS HEARTBROKEN (in Living Dead, so much that she doesn't feel alive anymore).
Digital Fantasy is her accepting that wow her partner was kinda shallow and shit, and protecting her inner peace. Yes mother!
⏤ EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M SAD
SHE'S TEEN IDLE'S BIGGER SISTER! WHO'S PRETENDS TO BE OKAY FOR HER OWN SAKE!! EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M SAD IS THE GIRL THAT GOES PARTYING TO TRY TO "HEAL" HERSELF!!
WHILE HER SISTER IS ROTTING IN BED!!! HOPELESS!!!!
I'm gonna stop here.
⏤ HELLO KITTY
Marina being very veryyy intense about her love this time.. perhaps because of her failed love in the previous songs?
Yk what else was intense? Marina clinging to her identities to fill the void inside her in Valley of the Dolls. Identities were the core of Electra Heart.
Of course, she's Princess of POWER, but she's still a Princess: a textbook character in fiction who's meant to find love. She's looking for love to fill her void in HELLO KITTY.
⏤ I <3 YOU
SHE'S FINDING LOVE AGAIN Y'ALL?! MARINA'S HEALING WITH I <3 YOU!!!
And so is she in Hypocrates. How?
Her play with identities is to (majorly) protect herself from the heartbreak that love brings. But Marina is realising her true worth. Now, love cannot tell her what to be and what not to be.
⏤ ADULT GIRL
Acceptance of a lot of things, just as it is in Fear and Loathing. I'm not gonna explain further.
(And yes, ADULT GIRL could also be related to Teen Idle </3)
⏤ FINAL BOSS
Marina taking a stand for herself!! Against the FINAL BOSS? Who is it? Idk. But she's gonna win.
If it's against her partner though, it's her strong self (at the start of the album) taking stand against her love (that takes her on an emotional rollercoaster rough the rest of the album).
While in How to be a Heartbreaker, it's her persona Electra Heart (through the majority of the album) trying to prevent the hurt that love could cause (that she experienced as Electra Heart).
