Sydney Ceruto

I combine cutting edge psychology, brain science and intuitive listening to help you meet your goals and desires.

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Defense Mechanism’s

Defense Mechanisms are simply a person’s psychological defense, that helps them to cope or deal with uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and/or stressors. An example is denial. Denial is a natural defense mechanism that protects the psyche from psychological trauma. For example, when person A, tells person B that person C died, immediately the person A is in the denial as evident by responding with disbelief. A common response would be “I can’t believe it,” “I just saw person C the other day,” “How could this be.” After a couple of moments, the person B begins to accept the information that person A presented them with as evident by a common response such as “When’s the funeral.”

Defense Mechanism

Black or White Thinking which is sometimes referred to as All-Or-Nothing Thinking is often called Splitting. Splitting is a defense mechanism.  Splitting of objects refers to the attribution of qualities or intentions to others which are wholly good or bad.  In other words, splitting is when a person literally splits an idea and only sees good or only sees bad with no mix of good and bad. This can be done at a personal level and an organizational level. At the personal level a person may only look at their good qualities and ignore their bad qualities or the qualities about them that are not so favorable. At the organizational level, corporate or supervisors may look at individual employees strictly as useful or useless.

Thinking Errors

The phrases per se, Black or White Thinking, or All-Or-Nothing Thinking are used as thinking errors or errors in one’s logic. Thinking errors are made of cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are irrational thought patterns that one initially believes to be truth. However, once these thoughts are evaluated and explored with the help of a professional, the person becomes aware of the irrational thought pattern, and changes their thinking. When the person decides to change their thinking it also changes their behavior because their behavior was simply the physical expression of his or her thoughts.

Associations & Creations

Splitting can cause a host of mental health and behavioral disorders. Not all of the disorders are so salient, many are subtle but equally pernicious to ones mental health.  By becoming aware of which disorders are associated with splitting, it may bring about a better understanding of the creation of this defense mechanism. The disorders that are associated with the defense mechanism splitting are Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.  A way of creation is when a person with narcissistic personality disorder experiences that they are better at a task than other people and begin to see those people as inferior. As the person with narcissistic personality disorder begin to believe this more and more he or she then believes that everybody, even outside of their experience, are inferior and they are superior ones.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity.  A way of creation is that person with borderline personality disorder, BPD, struggles with interpersonal relationships. One moment they see somebody as high and praised and at one mistake, we are human, then see them as totally lowest of the low. Many people may identify with that example, that doesn’t mean one has BPD.

Depression is a depressive disorder most commonly referred to as Major Depressive Disorder. A creation is when a person who is depressed feels hopeless. A key criterion for depression is when a person does not anticipate any happiness. The thinking that is associated with that is all negative and all bad things will happen. There is no other side or light at the end of the tunnel.

Defense Mechanisms are not bad or good, they just are. They are behaviors that inform us on how we naturally cope with uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, and stressors. If a persons thought pattern is irrational, then their behavior will follow as irrational as well. A way to better cope with stressors is to look at the good and the bad, the usefulness or uselessness of something. That way when a person decides to make a decision it can be based on seeing the world or a person's actions from a whole view instead of a telescope of only positive or only negative.

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6 Signs Your Marriage Is Headed For Divorce

1. Signs of Contempt Start To Show

Contempt is fueled by simmering negative thoughts about one's spouse. It arises in the form of an attack on someone's sense of self. Contempt is toxic to a marriage because it conveys disgust and superiority on such a deep level.

2. Stonewalling Behaviors Arise

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the discussion or interaction in a marriage and emotionally shuts down. Rather than confronting the marital issue, the spouse may tune out, turn away from or engage in distracting behaviors, indicating their lack of interest in the marriage.

3. Personality Differences Grow

There are many kinds of personality traits that can make a married couple become incompatible and unable to reach agreements in the areas of sex, emotion, family and intellect. Extremely negative personality traits can make a marriage unbearable and drive couples to divorce.

4. Unrealistic Expectations Proliferate

The ability or inability to adapt to change in married life greatly depends on having realistic expectations about one's spouse. If disillusionment sets in when preconceived expectations are not met, it generates enormous dissatisfaction and makes compromise impossible, which leads to an irreparable breakdown of the marriage.

5. Blending of Family Fails

Family relationships with children, step children, parents, in-laws and siblings are all major sources of marriage failure. Raising and integrating step children, and ties to extended family, dramatically increases stress in the home and can cause major rifts in a marriage, permanently sending each partner to separate "corners" and ultimately leading to dissolution of the marriage..

6. Not Listening to Each Other

Actively hearing what your spouse is saying is vital to the survival of a marriage. When neither spouse is taking the time to really hear what the other is expressing, you are demonstrating that your partner's thoughts and feelings do not matter to you. This frequently leads to one or both spouse's finding someone else to confide in, which ultimately leads to infidelity and divorce.

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Being Sexually Alive

Sex is one of the strongest motivating forces in life. It has the potential for creating intense pleasure and fulfillment or for causing considerable pain and suffering. The effect of a natural expression of sexuality on one’s sense of well-being and overall enjoyment of life cannot be over-emphasized. The way people feel about themselves as men and women, their feelings about their bodies, and their attitudes toward sex contribute more to a sense of self and feeling of happiness than any other area of experience.

A “healthy” orientation toward sexuality is reflected in a person’s appearance and attractiveness, in the ability to be tender and generous to others, in a sensitivity to children, and in one’s level of overall vitality. The combination of loving, sexual contact and genuine friendship in a stable, long-term relationship is conducive to good mental health and is a highly regarded ideal for most people.

On the other hand, disturbances in one’s sexual life can have serious negative consequences: the unavailability of sexual pleasure and fulfillment causes irritability and tension; jealously  often leads to passive brooding and low-grade anger; and sexual withholding activates regressive or childlike feelings of inadequacy in oneself and rage and desperation in one’s partner. 

An individual’s basic attitudes, thoughts, and feelings about sex largely determine the extent to which he or she relies on inward, self-protective mechanisms or seeks satisfaction in a real relationship. Relegating sexuality to a completely separate and discrete sector of life also contributes to a basic distortion of human sexuality. This compartmentalization takes sex out of the realm of being a ubiquitous part of a person’s human nature.

Most intimate couple relationships start out with the individuals spontaneously expressing their sexual feelings but often degenerate into a Fantasy Bond typified by sexual withholding and other maladaptive responses. People who are involved in long-term intimate relationships are, for the most part, deeply affected by the declining quality in their sexual relating. However, unless they are troubled by a specific sexual problem, they may be unaware of the extent of the damage they sustain in the privacy of their bedrooms.

Most people view their mutual patterns of withholding and their diminished sexual attraction to each other as part of the normal course of events and mistakenly place the blame on the familiarity, routine, and daily contact inherent to a committed relationship. In truth, once people have been damaged in their basic feeling about themselves in their early lives, they find it difficult to offer or to accept love and close companionship. They hold on to their negative self-image because to change would lead to anxiety.

In time, destructive changes tend to occur not only in the area of people’s sexuality, but also in individuals’ fundamental feelings about themselves as men and women. The problem often can be traced to disturbances in the original mother-infant dyad or family constellation, and their reenactment of these dynamics in the present. 

Beyond a certain point in the early phases of a new relationship, most people gradually stop responding to each other according to present-day reality. Instead, regressive, childlike feelings and reactions gradually replace adult responses. One’s original feelings toward one’s parents are transferred onto the loved one. This process can be likened to the phenomenon of transference which often occurs in my practice.

There are other factors that affect sexual relating in long-term relationships. When men and women experience child sexual abuse, their sexual lives as adults may be problem-free until they enter into a deep relationship, at which point they begin to have trouble. During session with my clients, I described several individuals who were abused sexually as children and who became increasingly intolerant of closeness, affection, and passion as their relationship became more meaningful. They began to hold back their responses either sexually or emotionally, trying to stay away from the special combination of love, sexuality, and tenderness that can be the most satisfying. It seemed that they were unconsciously holding back a full sexual response to avoid reawakening painful feelings or memories from their past.

In withholding their sexual responses, individuals are denying their need for another person or for anything outside the self-parenting system. To varying degrees, they fantasize that they can entirely meet their own needs, that they can “feed” themselves, in effect. To help understand where one stands in relation to this defensive process, it is valuable to examine one’s sexual life and sexual fantasies because they symbolically express the individual’s attitudes toward the giving and taking of love in relation to other persons. 

This analysis also reveals the manner and the extent to which people have retreated to an inward style of self-feeding in order to gratify themselves, as compared with the ability to have a deep feeling, emotional exchange with another person.

This maladaptive process negatively affects marital relationships by limiting sexual responses and/or by distorting one’s views of sex based on the past. These inappropriate responses vary in intensity and become compulsive to the extent that the individual experienced deprivation, rejection, or sexual abuse, or has other issues of unresolved trauma or loss. By understanding and working through the defensive, regressive ways of relating sexually I describe here, most, if not all of my patients have been able to regain the friendship, affection and lively sexuality that characterized the early phases of their relationship.

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Are You A Slave To Your Moods?

Do you ever just wake up in a bad mood? Or someone says something to you that feels unkind and triggers you into a negative state of mind? Maybe you have a propensity toward depression and lose your will, your spirit, your gusto to stay engaged in life in ways that generate your creativity and good habits of health.

Our ‘staying power’ gets compromised, and we give up on our commitments when we get jerked around by our next mood that tells us we’re apathetic, agitated, aversive, and attached to our angst.It’s a new weather pattern, thickening dark clouds that can convince us there really is no blue sky or changing pallet.We are trained to stay only in the pleasant, avoid the unpleasant, and ignore the vast in-between. 

We have a range of habits to avoid what doesn’t feel good that further enslave us in pursuit of something better, which never lasts for long, leading us back to the unattended mood we were running from. We begin to lose confidence in ourselves in this distracted search, sinking into our story which convinces us to conclude, “I am the mood and the mood is me. I will never change, it will never change, they will never change.” 

When we do this, we’re building a mood into a monument of mind, thought by thought and brick by brick. The mortar thickens with each unknown perception, imagined into interpretation, informing the impulse to indulge in the narrative that constructs the block to our greater intention.We are all susceptible to this, especially when over-tired, too hungry, too alone, in the middle of protracted periods of high stress like a work deadline, or in any transition, big or small, where we feel uncertain or overwhelmed.

The first step is to know how normal it is to have moods come and go, and the heavier ones will arrive when the conditions make us more vulnerable. We can then begin to understand and be prepared for how we will weatherproof our well-being.Here are some steps to not be a slave to mood.

1. Normalize intense moods. They arise under stress but we don’t need to be mesmerized by them.

2. Settle into the body’s rhythm versus the mind’s construction of story (breath arrives and departs, heart beats – natural intelligence to rely upon.)

3. Set the view again. Gain some perspective to perceive more than just what feels wrong. Intentionally look for what is right, right here. Just like walking across a room and looking from another window, you can see other aspects of the landscape below, changing all the time according to the time of day, season, and the weather patterns. The mood is only a fragment of the landscape of your mind, not the whole of who you are.

4. Engage in investigative inquiry. Hmm, what specifically do I notice in sensation now? What emotion arises? What is that like in my direct experience? What urge/ impulse results from this? Be CURIOUS! Don’t conclude.

5. Energize your determination to direct your attention to this moment to create a new memory, to disrupt the same old same old. Have courage to build wholesome mind states – kind, caring, curious, open. It’s much easier to fall into the pattern of negative thoughts, a well-paved path of our biology to focus on the negative out of protection, but you are more than biology. You have awareness and ability, and it will take some intention and effort to turn toward training more than that automatic reaction.Find the element of ‘joy’ not based in episodic situations of pleasure, but in the building of your fortitude, your inner compass, the satisfaction in your freedom to choose. Stand up straighter, engage in some exercise, smile, offer yourself some kindness, decide to walk past the next tantalizing rabbit hole of self-defeating stories. Use your energy to relate kindly to the pain, not pushing it away or fixing it, but giving it more information, redirecting your attention -over and over, just training, just building the momentum of something far more satisfying.

6. Equanimity – This literally means to “stand in the middle.” When we get lost in a mood, we are tilted in one direction. Begin to find what it is you need to ‘put down’ or stop engaging in the mood. You can start to balance the scale by letting go of negative thinking and noting what’s right, right here. For example, when the mood of negativity toward just about everything takes hold, research shows that a dose of loving-kindness practice is the antidote; the two can’t coexist. 

Embracing loving-kindness can be as simple as offering some understanding to your next experience when you don’t like something. For example, you can respond to your mood with compassion and understanding, e.g., “It makes sense according to the conditions of body, mind, heart – too little sleep, distracted mind, lack of support. I’m caught in habit of negativity.” You can then offer a kind hand toward your new direction of focus.When we can begin to remember our greater intention – what it is we wish to build in our character toward what end – and let intention reorient our direction, we can be on the lookout for those telltale signs along the path that might pull us down into the detoured route following every other mood.

Determine which ones you will pay attention to and which might need some reconstruction. Those then can be broken down and built anew. Just by settling enough in the moment, you can sense the experience of your mood, the thought, the emotion, the physical tension, with care and understanding. With this awareness, you move the mind in a new direction to sculpt a brand new monument as a guidepost on that path to remind you of what supports your long-term well-being.

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7 Ways To Rethink                 Anxiety & Depression

7 Ways To Rethink Anxiety & Depression

We recognize that our minds control our reality, and that if we want to improve ourselves, we must discipline our minds to practice growth instead of destruction.

The following principles outline my approach for battling anxiety and depression. 

Principle 1: Everyone Has a Legacy of Insecurity

There is no such thing as a perfect childhood. Life is messy, complex, and complicated. As children, we all developed our own way of emotionally dealing with this.  When children feel out of control and vulnerable, they resort to any strategy that provides relief: tantrums, whining, sulking, hiding, and misbehaving…these are primitive tactics designed to reduce vulnerability by gaining more control.  Feeling out of control and vulnerable is a natural part of life. We all experience it in different ways. The more we want to run away from the fact, the more difficult our lives will become.

Principle 2: Thoughts Precede Feelings, Anxieties, and Depression

You've probably heard the phrase "your thoughts make your reality".  In a way this is true. Say you get passed up for a promotion. If your underlying thoughts about yourself are that you are a victim, you will either sulk, lash out, make excuses or a combination of all.  But if your thoughts are that you are whole and complete, you can engage this in a totally different, more appropriate way. This principle defines the greatest power we as humans have - the power of choice. We actively or passively choose the thoughts that underline the way we view both ourselves and the world. Because we have the power of choice, we have the power to change.

Principle 3: Anxiety and Depression are Misguided Attempts to Control Life

This is my favorite because it is by far the one that society needs to wrap its head around most.  Anxiety and depression are (generally speaking) a habitual response. They are an attempt to control life. Those who are depressed typically want to control and change the past. This is impossible, so they get depressed. Those who suffer with anxiety, typically want to control and protect themselves against the unforeseen future. This also is impossible, so they get anxious.

Feeling anxious or having low moods does not mean you suffer from a mental disorder.

Yes, there are those who have severe chemical issues that cause these disorders.  But for most people, responding with anxiety and depression is something that was learned. Most likely they learned it from their parents or caregivers, or developed it as a coping mechanism to difficult situations growing up. We can and should have compassion for ourselves and our anxiety and depression. There's no need or place for shame!  

We can change our responses. We can face situations of stress, and instead of going into a cycle of anxiety or depression, we can create a fresh path for doing something else. Neural Re-wiring is especially effective in treating these habitual patterns, because it does just that; creates space for thinking, believing and acting contrary to our old models that have not served us well.

Principle 4: Control is an Illusion, Not an Answer.

Control is an illusion.  One of the best ways to view this concept is to understand that if we truly felt like we could handle whatever came our way, we wouldn't feel the need for control.  Therefore, the problem of insecurity is really a problem of self-trust. If we can learn to trust in our innate strength to overcome anything, we will be fine.

Principle 5: Insecurity Is a Habit, and Any Habit Can Be Broken

As I incessantly remind people, if you can train yourself to brush your teeth each night, you can train yourself out of anxiety and depression.  Think about what you do when you feel weak.  What is your habitual response to that feeling? By gaining greater self awareness and emotional space to remain stable in emotional situations, you can choose differently and create new habits.

Principle 6: Healthy Thinking Is a Choice

Choice is our greatest superpower. One of the powerful truths is the realization that our suffering will only continue for as long we choose. It's up to us.

Principle 7: A Good Outcome Is a Good Motivator

You need to have two things to make this work: the right attitude and proper motivation.  Once you commit fully to changing a behavior or thinking pattern, and once you see you can actually do it, each time thereafter becomes easier and feels more natural.  At the end of the day it's up to you. You must have the intrinsic desire to change and employ the mental fortitude to persevere.

Principle 8: Our Worth Is Our Birthright.

You are of unconditional worth. You were of worth before you were born, you're of worth now, and you'll be of worth when you die.

In my experience, it all comes down to our own SELF WORTH.  Yet when we really dig at why we are anxious, why we want control, the answer is always the same. Our worth is on the line. We have to at least look good, sound smart, perform well, in order to gain love and support from those around us right?   

This is not good. Yes, we have our rules as a society for what is "good" and "bad" in order to keep some measure of control and order. But we have somehow trained ourselves to believe that our worth lies in our external lives. It lies in our achievements and what we think others think of us. Therefore, it's always at risk. The anxiety is palpable. We are constantly in jeopardy of losing it all.  But what about what we think about ourselves?  At the end of the day, when we lay our head on the pillow, what matters is what WE think of ourselves.  It is the only constant!  Everything and everyone are just variables.

Over the past two decades, I have worked with individuals who have spent years in therapy to no avail, and are finally making progress by viewing anxiety and depression as a habitual response instead of a chronic disease. It's something they can change, something they can control. I have seen this realization change peoples lives for the better over and over.

To learn more, please visit my website NYCLIFECOACH.COM to book your free phone consultation.

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5 Things You Can Do To Feel Closer To Your Partner

Relationships are full of ups and downs, but they can also have long lulls in which you just don’t feel the same level of intimacy or excitement with your partner. I’ve written a lot about the reasons  you may start to lose that lit-up feeling of being in love as well as the ways you can use your own power to get it back. Here, I share with you five tangible actions you can take today to change your half of the dynamic and shift your relationship. 

Be bold. Take some time to reflect on what would really make you happy in your relationship. People tend to get tangled up in all the things that aren’t working for them, rather than thinking about what would. Ask yourself what you want to happen between you and your partner? Do you want it to be exciting? Affectionate? Romantic? Less routine? It’s better to make your intentions more about a general feeling between you two than a specific course of events, because when you get too attached to a single idea, you can set yourself up for disappointment, and you don’t allow a space for closeness to naturally flow.  It can be an act as simple as being more flirtatious, acknowledging, or affectionate. It can be a matter of breaking a routine, surprising your partner in a small way, or slowing down to offer them your full attention. Whatever action comes to mind, don’t talk yourself out of it, and go for broke!

Stop making comparisons. Couples tend to get into trouble when they weigh their actions against each other. In a relationship, it can sometimes be tempting to catalogue all the things you’re doing and your partner isn’t. For instance, when you start ruminating that you’re putting yourself out there or working harder in some way, while your partner is distracted, you will most likely pull back, and become guarded or critical. You may even miss out on some of the ways your partner is reaching out and offering something, because you’re busy building a case.

It’s helpful to remember that your partner has their own internal (and external) life. They may be going through something that has nothing to do with you, and you may not always feel like you’re getting the response or attunement you desire. However, it’s okay to be there for your partner even when they’re not entirely there for themselves. It’s alright to let the little things go and to accept that you each have unique and separate things to offer.  Being loving and generous, even (or especially) when your partner is having an off day, is a strategy to feel close to them again. And it’s a choice you can make for yourself!

Ask for what you want. One of the best things you can do to stay close to your partner is to say what you want directly. People underestimate how hard it can be to do this. They think they are expressing what they want directly, but what they’re often really doing is hinting, nagging, complaining, demanding, or expecting their partner to read their mind.

Being open and direct can make you feel vulnerable. You may try to avoid the risk of feeling hurt or let down by either not saying what you want or saying it in a way that comes off as critical toward your partner.  Try to be open and vulnerable when you express yourself, speaking as an adult, without sounding victimized or angry.  Being vulnerable and honest allows your partner to know you and feel for you without feeling on the defense, and they are more likely to offer you what you want!

4) Take a breather. When I suggest you take a break from your partner, I don’t mean it in the sense that you should break up or press pause on the relationship. I just mean that a little time and space can be rejuvenating and offer some perspective, particularly at times when things either get really complicated or pretty dull and routine between you. When you’re with someone for a long time, you can start to operate as a unit, feeling an unspoken pressure to do everything together.  You don’t have to be together all the time to be close. Taking time to do your own thing gives you a chance to gain perspective, to miss the other person, and appreciate who they are all over again. These separations can come naturally and shouldn’t be used to punish or threaten your partner, but to reconnect with a feeling inside yourself!

 5) Be your old self. When a couple goes through a hard time, they often long for or miss the person with whom they first fell in love. They talk about how the other person changed in the relationship, but what they’re usually missing are certain vital and vulnerable characteristics. These characteristics often wain when a couple enters into an illusion of fusion, that replaces real, vital feelings of love.  Think about how you felt about yourself when you first fell in love. How did you feel about your partner? How did those feelings make you act? In the initial stages of a loving relationship, most people express more curiosity, respect, kindness, and excitement toward their partner, but additionally, they often feel more curiosity, confidence, care, and vitality within themselves. Think about the qualities that matter to you, and try to uphold them, because it’s when you feel you’re most yourself that you feel you’re most in love!

Some or all of these suggestions may make you feel out on a limb, a little insecure, or exposed, but they’re significant strides toward staying in love.

For more information on staying connected, visit my website or book a phone consultation today.  NYCLIFECOACH.COM

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Emotional Intelligence In The Workplace

Getting things done more efficiently and effectively and without derailment in the face of setbacks is a universal problem that few people solve on a consistent basis. Through my 90 Day Total Transformation Package, you learn how to apply an integrated, practical, and research-based framework for completing work that will help you improve your performance and effectiveness.  With this framework, you will have the skills needed to set challenging goals and meet them, regardless of setbacks faced in the process.

In my Total Transformation Package, we will thoroughly cover:

The 4 Most Important Areas of Emotional Intelligence

1 - Identifying and Managing Emotions

Emotions are what makes us human and they can never be fully erased from our interactions. However, as a leader, your emotions can’t be your primary driverwhen making business decisions and managing your team. Through my program, you will improve your emotional intelligence by better identifying and managing your emotions. I will teach you two empirically supported emotion-management tools that you can use on a daily basis, ensuring that your emotional responses are more accurate, adapted and effective.

2 - Interpreting the Behaviors of Others

Understanding why people do what they do is the foundation of all influence. When you are inaccurate in doing this, your attempt to influence others will have random and unpredictable effects. In my program, you will learn how to become more accurate in attributing causes to behavior in limited interactions, as well as how to increase your ability to get at the heart of a problem. I will also teach you how to use a set of tools that can help you understand other people with efficiency, accuracy, and impact.

3 - Mastering the Essentials of Influence

As a leader, you are always influencing others. However, if you’re not mindful of how you exert this influence, it could lead to unforeseen consequences for yourself and your team. Your ability to negatively impact someone’s performance, or elevate it to new levels, is powerful and should be taken seriously.  Through my 90 Day Program, you will learn how to identify negative and positive expectancy cyclesand develop the mental acumen needed to decipher between the two.

4 - Applying Strategic Influence

Being able to influence others is the most fundamental characteristic of an effective leader, but many people in positions of power don’t know specifically how they are influencing others’ behavior in positive directions. First, we will explore heuristics, or rules of thumb, that people use in order to make decisions. Next, you will learn how to influence through reciprocity by uncovering what the person you want to influence wants and needs. Lastly, I will teach you how to alter the social and physical environment in order to get the change in behavior you want.

By the end of this program, you’ll have the skills to consistently draw out the desired behaviors from yourself, your team and from those around you.

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INTROVERTS, ITS TIME TO SPEAK UP

If you’re an introvert, you might have heard these two bits of feedback before. And if you’re a high performer, they can be especially irksome. Speaking up just isn’t something you do. But be that as it may, failing to make your voice heard at pivotal moments might be hurting your career.

Most introverts tend to have good reasons–whether or not they consciously understand what they are–for holding their tongues during major presentations, meetings, and other situations where weighing in would be helpful. In those cases, it first helps to figure out which of your assumptions are preventing you from contributing to the discussion. Here are three of the most common, and how to overcome them.

“I WANT TO BE RESPECTFUL.”

The good intention: If you’re invited for only the first or second time to a senior-level meeting, chances are you’re one of the more junior employees in the room. Your natural tendency might be to defer to those more senior to you and soak in the conversation. Especially if you’re naturally introverted, it may not feel like it’s your place to talk. This deferential inclination can be especially strong in organizations with strong hierarchies.

The unintended impact: Your deference causes you to become invisible in the meeting. When no one knows you, they don’t know what you can do. That means you aren’t as likely to be considered when it comes time for a promotion. After you reach a certain level, the number of senior executives who know you and have a good impression of you will directly correlate with your career success.

The practical fix: Prepare to say something at the meeting. One senior executive shared with me that for every meeting he goes to, he’ll ask the person who invited him the following questions: Who’s going to be there, why has he been invited, and what will we be discussing? He then takes time to prepare how he’ll contribute to the conversation.

Understand that you can share your point of view and still be respectful. As long as you can contribute something substantive without overstepping your bounds or reaching beyond your knowledge base, you’ll be fine. For every meeting, try to say at least one thing–you can ask a question, play back what you’ve heard, or comment on what’s being said.

“I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO ADD.”

The good intention: Everything that needs to be said has already been shared. You hate it when others waste time saying nothing in meetings, so you refrain from talking just for the sake of talking. If you’re a good listener and usually let others speak first, or if you’re on a team with a few dominant personalities, you’ll most likely fall into this category.

The unintended impact: Imagine seeing yourself from a newcomer’s perspective. Even if you have the best ideas, someone who doesn’t know you will reasonably assume you don’t have any ideas as long as you don’t share them. Worse, you might be seen as someone who doesn’t care. Neither one of these misperceptions will help you in your career, and it’s up to you to set them straight.

The practical fix: Speak up earlier. If you wait until the end of the meeting, chances are someone else will already have shared your idea. Make it your goal to be one of the first two people to say something. For guidance, you might want to observe those who speak up first, and note what they say and how they say it.

“I DON’T WANT TO SAY THE WRONG THING.”

The good intention: You don’t want to appear incompetent in front of people who will judge you and have a say in your career. If you’re with a client, you might not want to say something to jeopardize the deal or damage the relationship. Why not let your more senior and experienced colleagues handle it? Isn’t that why they’re there in the first place?

The unintended impact: Your client sees you as the scribe or assistant, and you never build the working relationship you need to get to the next level. For internal meetings, your boss thinks you don’t have a mind of your own and sees you more of an order-taker than an influencer.

The practical fix: Before the meeting, ask your more senior colleagues what they want you to cover and how they want you to participate. That can help you decide when you to jump in during the meeting. You might also ask your coworkers to help pull you into the conversation for certain topics.

During the meeting, for every question that’s asked, come up with an answer in your head and compare it to what your more senior colleagues are saying. As your answers begin to align with what you hear, you’ll gain the confidence to speak up knowing your responses will be on the right track.

Being invited to a senior-level meeting or a high-stakes pitch are rare windows of opportunity to showcase your talents. Don’t waste it. Do your homework in advance, and be clear on the value you can add to the conversation. When you do share your views, make sure it’s concise, articulate, and focused on the topic at hand. There’s nothing more annoying than to hear someone trying to impress others or prove how smart or how hardworking they are.

But it’s a delicate balance. If you don’t talk, no one will know who you are; if you talk too much, people begin to wonder, “Who do you think you are?”

Finally, get feedback after a meeting wraps up. If your manager or mentor will be there, mention beforehand that you’re working on speaking up more and ask for some specific suggestions from them. They’ll let you know if you need to speak up even more, or if you’re going overboard.

Speaking up in key business situations sometimes poses a risk few introverts are all that inclined to make. But for the sake of your career, it’s almost alway worth the wager.

[revolutionwellnessblog-blog]

ATTACHMENT STYLES

Our style of attachment affects everything from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress to, sadly, how they end. That is why recognizing our attachment pattern can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. An attachment pattern is established in early childhood attachments and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood.

This model of attachment influences how each of us reacts to our needs and how we go about getting them met. When there is a secure attachment pattern, a person is confident and self-possessed and is able to easily interact with others, meeting both their own and another’s needs.  However, when there is an anxious or avoidant attachment pattern, and a person picks a partner who fits with that maladaptive pattern, he or she will most likely be choosing someone who isn’t the ideal choice to make him or her happy.

For example, the person with a working model of anxious/preoccupied attachment feels that, in order to get close to someone and have your needs met, you need to be with your partner all the time and get reassurance. To support this perception of reality, they choose someone who is isolated and hard to connect with. 

The person with a working model of dismissive/avoidant attachment has the tendency to be distant, because their model is that the way to get your needs met is to act like you don’t have any. He or she then chooses someone who is more possessive or overly demanding of attention.In a sense, we set ourselves up by finding partners that confirm our models. If we grew up with an insecure attachment pattern, we may project or seek to duplicate similar patterns of relating as adults, even when these patterns hurt us and are not in our own self-interest.

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SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

Let me set you straight: With the exception of at the altar, or during sex, there's no wrong time to break up with someone. Everyone feels pressure to pick the “right” time, or even a good time. There isn’t one. I once went round and round with a colleague over whether it was better to break up with someone right before the work week (they’d have to face people at work, but at least they could stay busy) or whether it was better to do it before the weekend (you’d ruin their weekend, but at least they could be at home all day). And if you’re long-distance, is it worse to break up over the phone, or to fly out and end things with someone who is really excited to see you?

There’s no magical time when your partner is going to like being broken up with. Within reason (e.g., don’t call them at work or tell them while you guys visit their parent in the hospital), once you decide you want to break up, your best bet is as soon as possible.

There is no point in a relationship that is either too soon or too late to end things. You aren’t in too deep, no matter how long it has been, and no matter how many big steps you’ve taken together or pieces of furniture you co-own.

Until you two are married with kids, you can leave at any time. You can leave even if you’ve only been dating for a month. It’s very easy to convince yourself that you haven’t given someone a “fair chance,” but you probably have. Firstly, "a fair chance" is an arbitrary benchmark that no one can help you define, and also: You are not required to give anyone more of your time. It’s perfectly fine for a small moment to be a deal breaker, especially if that small moment points to the fact that this person is cruel or manipulative or disingenuous.

That being said, you don’t need a sign. You don’t need a moment. People often wait and wait for a singular instance to tip the scales and let them know in bright neon lights that This Is Not The One! That moment most likely will never come. There’s even a chance that you’ll break up with someone and never feel sure, for the rest of your life, that you shouldn’t have tried a bit harder or stayed longer. But you don’t need a reason to break up with someone; Wanting to break up with someone is reason enough.

None of this is to say that you should jump ship as soon as things get hard. It’s fine if things get hard, they just shouldn’t get bad. As the saying goes, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.

If you feel bored or restless in a relationship with a person you once loved, you might just need to work on the relationship. If you feel like the person you’re dating isn’t kind to you or other people, you need to leave. “Mean” isn’t worth working on. “Cruel” isn’t going to see the light and become a better partner. Jealous, accusatory, and volatile are fine to walk away from, in case you’re waiting for some divine sign of permission. You can address and fix behaviors, but you can’t change who people are.

[revolutionwellnessblog-blog]

WHEN LOW MOODS & ANXIOUS THINKING REQUIRE HELP

Moods and anxiety should make sense given what is going on in your life. If you are going through a difficult or stressful time—like a loss, problems at home or work, relationship conflict, or trying to do too much at once, for example—most people will see a drop in mood or a spike in anxiety or both. Mood and anxiety are usually in proportion to the experience. Something that you understand as a minor, easily solved problem or setback doesn't make you feel as low or anxious as a very serious problem. Your anxiety and low mood typically start to lift as the problem is resolved.

Low mood and anxiety often go together. A low mood can increase anxiety, anxiety can worsen a low mood, and your mood and anxiety may be affected by the same situation.

If your mood or anxious thinking don't improve on their own, are out of proportion to events or situations in your life, or interfere with daily life, it's best to seek out professional help and support.

Although I see many of these signs and symptoms in my clients, this doesn't automatically mean that they have a mental illness. It's often that they simply need more tools to deal with whatever is affecting their lives. These are the exact techniques I teach during my sessions to help you improve your emotional intelligence, calm the anxiety loop and increase mood and productivity.

ALL THROUGH MY SPECIALIZED AND UNIQUE IMPLEMENTATION OF NEUROPLASTICITY!

The sooner you reach out for help to manage your symptoms, the quicker you will be able to get back to your usual activities.

[revolutionwellnessblog-blog]

RETRAIN YOUR BRAIN

Scientists have discover that our thoughts can actually change the physical structure of our brain.  This phenomenon, neuroplasticity, is revolutionizing the way we think about the human mind.

As we go through life learning and experiencing new things, our brain is constantly arranging and rearranging the neural pathways that control how we think and behave.  The best part is, we direct our thoughts in a way that consciously modifies these pathways for ourselves.  And the easiest way to shape those thoughts is through conscious, decisive self talk.  The kind of talk that "cuts through" and takes control of your life.

Just like we build habits by repeating an action until it becomes "automatic", we can use strong assertive language over time to create lasting change in our lives.  It's more than just happy thoughts.......youre actually affecting your brain's very biology.Neuroscience has now confirmed that we can determine our thoughts.  We can shape those thoughts by being conscious of and diligent about our words and the kind of language we engage in. 

It all starts by making a deliberate choice to talk in a way that's helpful rather than harmful.Brain psychology addresses the concept that our minds naturally play tricks on us, twisting and distorting our thoughts in ways that are not always rational. Neurocounseling helps people to realize that they are at the mercy of cognitive biases, emotions, and misconceptions, that they may be completely unaware of.

Fortunately, cognitive neuroscience helps by allowing us to see and accept our thoughts as just a small part of the whole and that old, deleterious thinking patterns CAN BE ALTERED.  By harnessing this incredible brain science, I help clients challenge their thoughts with action.  This process leads them to see the world more cognitively.

[revolutionwellnessblog-blog]

A MINDFUL MINUTE

How often have you rushed out the door and into your day without even thinking about how you’d like things to go? 

Before you know it, something or someone has rubbed you the wrong way, and you’ve reacted automatically with frustration, impatience, or rage—in other words, you’ve found yourself acting in a way you never intended.

Intention refers to the underlying motivation for everything we think, say, or do. From the brain’s perspective, when we act in unintended ways, there’s a disconnect between the faster, unconscious impulses of the lower brain centers and the slower, conscious, wiser abilities of the higher centers like the pre-frontal cortex.

Given that the unconscious brain is in charge of most of our decision-making and behaviors, this practice can help you align your conscious thinking with a primal emotional drive that the lower centers care about. Beyond safety, these include motivations like reward, connection, purpose, self-identity and core values.

Setting an intention—keeping those primal motivations in mind—helps strengthen this connection between the lower and higher centers. Doing so can change your day, making it more likely that your words, actions and responses— especially during moments of difficulty—will be more mindful and compassionate.

So each morning take a moment, just 60 seconds, and visualize the way you would like your day to unfold.  Simply putting positive thoughts in your mindset changes how our neuronal connections interact. This practice is best done first thing in the morning, before checking phones or email.

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WHY YOU WERE GHOSTED

Breaking up (in person) is hard to do.  While most people hope-and expect-that partners will grant them the courtesy of a face-to-face explanation of why they're moving on, reality can be much messier.  Instead, you may find your texts ignored, your calls unanswered, and your notifications tab empty.  You've not only been dumped-youve been ghosted.

To “ghost” is to cut a romantic partner out of one’s life, ignoring all attempts at contacts, and leaving the ghosted to figure out they've been kicked to the curb.  Breakups are rarely easy, but ghosting-which denies the opportunity for discussion and closure-can be as confusing as a painful blow.

Ghosting is far from new, but as dating grows faster, more convenient, and less personal, it’s on the rise.  Around 20 percent of adults under 30 admit to having ghosted someone, while another 20 percent say they have been ghosted!

The impulse to simply disappear from an unsatisfying relationship has likely existed since the first Cro-Magnon couple shared a cave.  But recent shifts in technology provide daters with the means to act on their desires with little social cost.  By its very nature, ghosting leaves more questions than answers-providing fertile ground for psychologists like me to explore this ghoulish phenomenon.  It turns out that not everyone is at equal risk of ghosting-or of being ghosted.

All of us hold certain theories of relationships.  Some people believe in destiny-that we each have a soul mate waiting to sweep us off our feet. Others are less sure that ‘the one” exists; less romantic, they may be more willing to work on relationships.

If you believe your one and only is out there somewhere-and decide your current partner isn't it-ghosting may seem like a viable option with minimal social cost.  Destiny daters may also have little concern about harming or confusing an ex they likely won't see again.  

Indirect breakup methods-like dumping someone through email or text message-minimize confrontation and lessen the emotional difficulty for the person initiating the split.  Ghosting is a more extreme type of indirect breakup, involving no confrontation at all.  Research suggests that such impersonal strategies are favored by those who fear commitment and shun intimacy.

For most people, the uncertainties of dating-whether in person or via an app-are necessary risks in the search for a long term romantic partner.  The possibility that their happily ever after might turn into a ghost story is unlikely to scare them away.

Either way, this new breakup method can hurt and leave you baffled and angry. I can help you successfully navigate your way through today’s new era of dating.

[revolutionwellnessblog-blog]

DEPERSONALIZATION

Infamous as one of the most painful disorders, depersonalization is also a safeguard, protecting from a danger. The emergence of depersonalization at the edge of stress can be compared with the explosion of an airbag at the edge of a car crash. The fog of unreality shields from psychological traumas like an exploded airbag protects from physical injuries. The fog of unreality falls as a barrier between person and trauma as if virtually removing this person from a threatening situation.

This defensive function of depersonalization is most evident in trauma, acute anxiety and panic attacks. When the level of panic reaches a certain threshold, depersonalization comes as a savior; continuing the comparison above – like a threshold of mechanical shock triggers the explosion of an airbag. Depersonalization appears as a kind of “airbag” built-in the human psychological structure to be employed in the threatening situations of stress, panic or trauma. Depersonalization is a very complex defense system that requires a high level of human mental organization.

In contrast to animal life where traumatic  accidents are resolved by flight or fight, human life is rich in situations where neither flight no fight are possible. Depersonalization represents a third way of coping that allows a person to escape or alleviate the traumatic situation. The uniqueness of this sort of escape is that it develops in the subjective world of the person psyche. Experience of depersonalization removes the person from trauma psychically and subjectively while remaining in it physically and objectively. Depersonalization and derealization create subjective feeling of unreality - “I am not myself,” “I feel detached” and “the world is not real.”  This feeling of “detachment from the world” provides the detachment from trauma, anxiety or panic, alleviating emotional and psychological threat. People with depersonalization describe the experience of the gap, screen or wall between person and world, often experienced together with estrangement from their own feelings, including extremely traumatic panic and fear. Thus, the “cotton of depersonalization” saves from the trauma of emotional or psychological distress, but also at the same time creates the trauma of feeling unreal. Diminishing the pain of trauma, the cocoon of depersonalization keeps a person trapped “inside unreality.”

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MIND GAMES

Our minds naturally play tricks on us, twisting and distorting our thoughts in ways that are not always rational. Even though we'd like to think we're always logical, we're not. We are at the mercy of cognitive biases, emotions, and misconceptions and most of it is completely unseen by us.

Sometimes we're too close, too involved in it to even realize. It's up to us to slow down, take a step back and reach out for help to understand what's really going on.

I encourage my clients face their problems as they come, one by one; giving them the attention they need and then moving on. This approach takes patience, precision, and discipline of thought.

This is a foundational part of the work I do with nearly every client. It is essentially the only way to stop those persistent MIND GAMES.

You need to learn to work through each item pragmatically and with a solution in mind. Remember, everything is solvable, and if you can't see a solution, it only means you haven't worked it out yet. However, often the reason you cannot see the "answer" is because you are too close to the problem.

Zoom out a little, zoom out A LOT and look at the big picture. This is a phenomenon I call "cognitive restructuring"-shifting the way in which your problems are presenting themselves in your life.

When you've finally put things into perspective, you'll come to your assertion: "I got this." You'll start to really believe it, experience it, and live from it.

Remember, the peculiar thing about bad moods is that we often fool ourselves and create misery by telling ourselves things that simply are not true.

[revolutionwellnessblog-blog]

CODEPENDENCY

Codependents often wonder what is normal. They feel insecure and wonder how others perceive them. Many tell me they don’t really know themselves. They’ve become people-pleasers, editing what they say and adapting their behavior to the feelings and needs of others. Some sacrifice themselves — their values, needs, wants, and feelings — to someone they care about. For other codependents their behavior revolves around their addiction, whether it’s to a drug, a process, such as sex or gambling, or to pursuing prestige or power in order to feel secure. They usually do so to the detriment of themselves and loved ones, and eventually their achievements feel meaningless.

Either type of codependent suffers from self-alienation — an alienation from their true self. This is the emptiness we feel when a relationship ends, success is achieved, or during withdrawal from an addiction. Hence, codependency is called a disease of a “lost self.”

Ideally, our true self emerges in the normal course of becoming an individual, called “individuation,” so that we’re able to identify our own feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, perceptions, and actions, as separate from our family and others. A dysfunctional family disrupts individuation to varying degrees. Because codependency is transgenerational, in childhood a “false” codependent self is formed.

Most codependents are in denial of this situation because for so long they’ve organized their thinking and behavior around something or someone external to themselves. Some codependents can’t identify their values or opinions on matters. They’re very suggestible and can be easily persuaded to do things they later regret. In a conflict, they can’t hold onto their views once they’re challenged. This makes relationships a minefield, especially with a partner who uses projection as a defense, or who blames them for his or her behavior. You may think that you’re being abused, but when you’re blamed, which abusers typically do, you become confused and doubt your own perceptions. You might end up apologizing for inciting an abuser’s rage.

This pattern MUST stop in order for you to be your authentic self.  Reach out to me to get help.  NYCLIFECOACH.COM