Right Now Write Here

I write to release. I write to know. I write to remember. Because I know I'll forget what this feels like right now. Write here.

[rightnowwritehere]

06/25/18

I want a love so fervent so humble and so kind I want a love that leaves me guessing and brings peace of mind and perhaps it is naive to want all this from you but I know if you wanted that I’d do all I could do

[rightnowwritehere]

trigger warning

Yes, I am triggered, but I am no longer a gun. No, I will not shoot. And no, you have not won.

[rightnowwritehere]

high speed chase

I chase boys like they hold treasure in their pockets, like their fingers are precious gems that slip right through mine.

I chase boys like they know where my parents put their leftover love in the fridge.

I chase boys like they are the leftover love, like their love will fill me up--

good ole fiber, nutrient filled love that will treat the deficiency that causes no backbone syndrome as well as my Can’t Let Go cancer.

I chase boys like they have the answers to the questions, “Why won’t my brothers love me anymore? Did they ever really? Am I someone worth loving?”

I chase boys like they are the answer.

They are not.

[rightnowwritehere]

flight risk

You loved the birds more than anyone I knew-- and I loved the birds.

But maybe we loved them  for different reasons. I loved how they knew to come back, but you loved how they could leave--

You longed for their freedom.

[rightnowwritehere]

[rightnowwritehere]

miscalculations

I used to think that we ran parallel and that us meeting was a lucky blip in the equation but now I see perpendicular one intersection between you and I and then never again

[rightnowwritehere]

left for dead

with bitter certainty I knew you were not coming back for me

[rightnowwritehere]

she took what she could get

you gave so little that so little felt like so much and i’ve made a living of making so little  feel like enough

[rightnowwritehere]

Only Some Days

Do you ever feel like a tipped tank of gasoline Ready to set fire to everything around you? Do you ever feel like clumsy words And fucking the facades?

Do you ever just want To tear out your heart And throw it at the wall Like a Jackson Pollock painting? At least then it could be good for something.

Some days I want to scream your name Up at your old apartment building And at the people who still know you So that maybe they’ll remind you that I exist But some days only in the wake of your absence.

Some days I hope you hear my name And it hurts a little Because I’m not a saint. Sometimes I’m the worst person I know. And I know it.

And you hurt me in ways I’m not sure you know. And some days I wish you understood this.

[hopelesslynicole]

The first time I wanted to die, I was only as old as a high five and a peace sign.

People often ask me what my tattoo is. For those of you who don’t know musical notation, it’s a fermata. Generally used in music for sustaining any number of notes or rests, the length of the sustain is at the conductor or performer’s discretion. When I first got it, I got it as a reminder to myself to “hold on”—as a reminder of everything I held tight through—that it is my decision how long I will hold on to this life. But as I’ve gotten older, it has come to mean much more. See, even though I no longer find myself wishing I were dead, there are often moments I wish I could escape. Whether it be to a simpler time before or what I hope is a better time after, I want to escape this current moment. But I am here. And sometimes it may feel sustained. It may feel like I am running in place, or that everyone is telling me it will get better or that I will need to make it better. And sometimes I can. But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes all I can do is live in these sustained moments. Live in the highs and lows and silence. Let them be what they are for however long they need to be. I am recognizing that I cannot hold onto anything that does not wish to be held on to. That life is a game of time and place. No note is ever quite the same. But each one has its purpose. And if you can only just hold on, just enough, just to yourself in these moments, they will end. And new ones will begin. I know this much, and for now that is enough. #suicidepreventionday (at Los Angeles, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnkP61vnt7S/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1rwrmabvm7rz3

[hopelesslynicole]

Before you sat down to write yourself off as a mere blip of existence, did you ever stop to consider that in this dense night sky, you were a star? Of course you cannot know these things from where you are. You have no mirror of truth of which to turn to. You do not understand that it is your emanating light that allows you to see such beauty in that which takes up space around you. (at Griffith Observatory) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnCGW9MnzWM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=u82jcdo6hfvy

[rightnowwritehere]

echo location

I seldom find solace in my hearts deepest yearnings for I know myself too well to trust that she knows what she needs. Riddled only with that which she wants She fails to see what lies around her-- All of the broken dreams she crushed for Shiny new promises of freedom and joy All of which she has ripped the tops off of Poured out the contents And stared at, puzzled at the pieces before her. She never knew how to fit them into one big picture. And thus she began her journey of “almost”s and “could have been”s and “maybe one day”s. At the end of which she finds she has only partial view of. Perhaps some middle pieces, but none of the all important framing border.

She stared, until she thought she did not want this anymore. Until she realized that wanting and needing do not always coincide. That they will often interject one another abruptly, rudely, without consideration of her plans and feelings.

They will fight.

And she will find that what she once yearned for, she was not ready for. Until this moment. And that is when the universe placed her wants in front of her. Close enough to touch. She held them in her hands, these battered little dreams, looked up and told the universe, “it’s not all that it seemed.”

[rightnowwritehere]

can’t take the heat

I loved you more than I knew what to do with it. where do you put the leftover love when they’ve decided they’re full?  where do you dispose of your future plans and inside jokes and how do you reclaim all of your favorite people, places, and things? how do I take every noun and  wash it clean of your memory? how do I erase you?

[hopelesslynicole]

The voice you thought you’d lost in this screaming match of life, I found it in the silence—tucked in corners of your mind.

[rightnowwritehere]

in waves

I loved you for who you were

not for who you weren’t.

I lived in your joy—

rode your laughter like a current.

[rightnowwritehere]

And I hope you find the answer in the way that your body begs you to move—away from the fire and yet closer to the sun.

[rightnowwritehere]

rewriting reality

and i write and i write and i write for clarity for peace for closure for the truth but the more i write the more i rewrite the reality of these words nothing is as it seems even when i’m ripping at them pouring out every word that passes through my shell of a head out on to paper-- into the screen in my hands i throw the words everywhere i can wrap my fingers around just so i can have them and rewrite them to be more pretty  to be more unlike the feelings  i’m feeling how is it that in my search for the truth i am writing lies? edited before they even leave my mind how will i ever know what side to look to? where to hide?