DELTARUNE TOMORROW
@ratlesshonret
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DELTARUNE TOMORROW
@ratlesshonret
finally started writing again. got so inspired i did like almost 4k words in one sitting and now my brain is tired but in a happy way
before anyone asks. ugh. yes. it's DDLC. okay.
i feel so alone bc i know nobody cares even if i hurt myself or something so im out of ideas on what to do
my biggest fantasy is all my friends going behind my back to talk about how worried they are about me and then staging an intervention where they all tell me they love me and that im okay and they didnt mean to ignore me or make me feel unloved and unwanted and left out but that'll never happen nobody will ever do that for me and im a fucking stupid idiot for even fantasizing about something that people would have to like me for it to happen
i've deleted more posts than i've left up this past month. i dont get how anyone can just scroll past and ignore me and not care even when im hurting myself or on the verge of suicide. even my so-called "friends"
im starting to feel genuinely scared some of you would be happy if i started hurting myself
how many times do i have to threaten to kill myself until even one person asks if im okay. do i need PROOF im hurting myself before someone cares?
do you all see what's happening here. you cant call me the unreasonable one.
can people please just tell me. what do i have to do. what do i need to change about myself or my blog or anything to get people to stop treating me like an outcast. how do i get people to care that im alive.
please dont send me a billion asks at once.
all it does is get my hopes up that people started caring when i see the big notif number before i realize it's just one person
genuinely the most soul-crushing experience imaginable
i think at this point, judging by my notes, only 3-4 people even see my posts unless they get rbed.
actually here's a test. i'll queue this for a few times throughout tomorrow.
LIKE THIS POST IF YOU CAN SEE IT
so are you going to put a bandaid on your leg or what
it's not bleeding that bad
just don't wanna risk infection is all.
im sorry. im still mad but im sorry. and im mad. i dont wanna be mad but im so fucking mad. im so angry and im sorry.
It's wild how people can say I'm their friend, see me posting about how much I wanna be included in shit, then be fine doing shit together while not even trying to include me
so this is why my mutuals dont send me asks they're too busy playing games and hanging out with each other. i thought maybe the mutual circle wasn't that close but no IM JUST NOT PART OF IT.
learning that some of my closer mutuals are playing games together and i didn't know about it makes me want to FUCKING KILL MYSELF
YOU FUCKERS WILL DO LITERALLY ANYTHING EXCEPT INCLUDE ME IN SHIT
if i blow my brains out it is solely because of all the people who have decided that im not important enough to be anything to them
you people BETTER FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE THIS.
i feel sick. i feel like im gonna throw up. i fucking hate being here. i hate living. i hate existing. why am i systematically excluded from every facet of the lives of people i thought at least somewhat cared about me
IF THIS GETS IGNORED I AM BLAMING ALL OF YOU FOREVER YOU PEOPLE BETTER FUCKING RESPOND TO THIS SHIT
I SIT HERE POSTING EVERY DAY BEGGING FOR ENGAGEMENT FROM MY DEAR MUTUALS WHO DO NOTHING BUT IGNORE EVERY POST I EVER MAKE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIVES AND NOW YOU'RE ALL PLAYING GAMES TOGETHER AND MAKING MERRY WHILE YOU FUCKING IGNORE ME
ANSWER ME. ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW. YOU FUCKERS BETTER ANSWER ME BEFORE I START ACTUALLY HURTING SOMEONE
YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR NOT ANSWERING THIS YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE
fuck it im just gonna be shameless and ask straight-up
like this post if you dont want me to stop using tumblr, or if you'd notice/care if i was gone
I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.
I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:
Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)
Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)
Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often
Eat dessert first
Celebrate well, and often
Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)
Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.
Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate
Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)
Walk without having a specific destination or goal
Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.
I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.
@ratlesshonret
they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"
It's not a cure but you have no idea how many times this image has helped me with my OCD
This tag has been more effective than any meds I’ve ever taken
@ratlesshonret
HEARTBREAKING: friends who i should be going to the movies and playing dnd and watching anime and cosplaying and going to the mall and having sleepovers and exploring the woods with live one hundred trillion miles away
@ratlesshonret
I wish I could cook for you
Saw your post and rushed to make this
ty